5 predictions of what will happen in Asheville in 2013, because we’re smart and stuff

  • SumoMe

One does not simply make predictions. One just opens his ears to the universe’s whispers.


If  I wanted to predict the future accurately, unlike all the other blogs making predictions about 2013 right about now, I knew I had to get in touch with my inner spirit animal. In order to do that I knew I would have to become one with nature.


So I fasted from Asheville beer. I didn’t touch a biscuit or grits for nearly two months. I stood outside in the grass and welcomed the cold wind on my exposed nipples. I chatted with the neighborhood’s stray cats. I took a whole box of Nyquil, because I came down with a cold.


All my sacrifices finally paid off last night as my inner spirit animal Squirt the Chipmunk visited me in my dreams. Here is what Squirt squeaked at me:


1. David Forbes or Jake Frankel of the Mountain Xpress will be drafted by the Asheville Citizen Times


Jake Frankel

David Forbes

David Forbes

Despite being passed up in last year’s Asheville Citizen Times Draft of Mountain Xpress reporters, we hear these two reporters have been training hard in the off-season. Frankel has significantly improved his 40-yard dash time and Forbes is benching laptops like a beast.


Frankel and Forbes are projected as the two top picks on both Todd McShay’s and Mel Kiper Jr.’s draft board. McShay gives Forbes a slight edge due to his shifty Twitter fingers, but Kiper has faith in the old dog, Frankel. It will be interesting to see whom the Asheville Citizen Times will pick.


2. Food Bikes will be the new Food Trucks

cathal_bike12012 was the year of the Food Truck. But hey wait a minute don’t food trucks emit green house gases into the atmosphere through gasoline consumption and coal fire power plants that run the truck’s generators? And Al Gore thought Exxon Mobil was the problem? Makes you wonder if that fact about Al inventing the Internet is even true.


But no worries you Asheville tree huggers, food bikes are on the way and they emit zero emissions. Chefs pedaling to power their flattop grill, while chopping an onion on the handlebars. Hell that is what we call a dinner and a show folks.




3. A lot of you are going to get fat with all this beer in town

beer_gut_by_gottagetbeefy-d5b55g5Hey you! Yeah I’m talking to you pal! You thought you were so cool being able to drink all the micro beers you want and look so physically fit. For the love of God it doesn’t make sense to me and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.


But in 2013 I get to smile. This is finally the year your metabolism slows down and you join the rest of us overweight fools, who thought we could drink all the local beers we wanted, because everybody seemed to be doing it and everybody seems to be so fit in this town. Cocktails will come back in a big way in 2013 not because we’re sophisticated 60’s salesmen, but because we still need to fulfill our alcoholic desires except with fewer calories.


4. The next great Downtown Asheville business will be an automated Person Wash

121807-smellyOh what’s that smell? Is that my Tupelo Honey biscuits baking? It sure as hell is not. It’s the guy at the other table that just hiked on the Blue Ridge and hasn’t showered since the Reagan administration. Excuse me sir, why don’t you just soak your armpit hair in my jelly? So I can apply your essence directly to my biscuit.


The Downtown Business Improvement District Board is expected to hire a private company that will provide cleaning and graffiti removal service. But will that company be taking sponges to citizens?


If you are young entrepreneur and like taking advice from a person with no business sense listen up! An automated person wash would make such a killing in Downtown Asheville. You could even get a step up on the competition by offering free vacuum service like Gorilla Car Wash.


5. Asheville will be around another 365 days

funny-meme-picturesI can’t really tell you why. With the fiscal cliff, Tim Moffit, Rebecca Black, Christmas Story 2, and local chefs throwing upper cuts at meter maids, it’s hard to be optimistic that Asheville will be around another 365 days. (If Diaz would of punched a meter butler would the story be as popular?)


But you know what they say, whatever the street preachers say at Bele Chere the opposite is true. A lot of the street preachers said the end was near, which means unfortunately, we all are going to be here a very, very long time. So get to know your neighbor, who plays Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ extra loud at 3:00 a.m., because you better believe that guy is going to prevent you from sleeping another 365 days.


Stay tired my friends!

Author: citizenthymes

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