ASHEVILLE- Abe the snowman a life long atheist has always questioned the existence of God, because he thought how could any creator be so cruel as to create life without legs and thus imprison Abe to staring at a West Asheville bungalow overran by cats and defined by an intense urine smell.
But if Abe the snowman had been blessed with knees, he would certainly be on them right now begging God for salvation.
West Asheville neighbors were alarmed early Friday to find their neighbor Abe the snowman screaming in agony.
“It was unreal, Abe was sweating profusely and crying out in pain,” said Nancy Withers, a West Asheville resident.
“It was like that scene in Wizard of Oz. Abe was just screaming ‘I’m melting, I’m melting.’ I was surprised to see it, because Abe was always such a cool, calm, and collective guy.”
As the midmorning sunrays beat down on Abe’s icy flesh, Abe began to cry out to God for help.
“Why God? Why me?” Abe pleaded.
“What did I do to deserve this? Was it the corncob pipe? A neighborhood kid stuck it in my mouth and I had no choice in the matter.”
Abe the snowman slowly melted away as the day wore on.
“Abe was the size of Chris Christie, now he looks like a stick figure,” said Withers.
“I would feed him, but I have no idea what a snowman eats. I tried feeding him soup, but that just made him melt faster. Only person I know that when he eats he loses weight.”
Abe has requested a preacher to read him his last rites as he feels his death is imminent.
“I’m not sure if God is real or not, but I’m hedging my bets by asking God for forgiveness,” said Abe.
“Hopefully my grandfather Frosty will meet me at the gates and hopefully it’s the pearly gates, because if it is hell, we will both be screwed. An eternity in a perpetual liquid state does sound like hell.”