ASHEVILLE- War! Huh-yeah
What is it good for?
There is a new sheriff in town or should we say a general?
The Leicester Crime Prevention Group, a community group, has declared “war” against thieves, who have broke in to local homes and businesses. Leaders of the community group has given the drug addicts suspected of breaking into homes two options, go to church and get clean or get killed by the people protecting their homes.
But local drug addicts are likely not about to back down.
“Go to church? No thank you,” said Jerry Felton, a heroin addict and long time thief.
“Church is what drove me to heroin in the first place. All that Catholic guilt gets a little overwhelming at times. The heroin just lets me escape.”
Felton says while he appreciates the threat of death by the Leicester Crime Prevention Group, the threat is likely not to stop addicts, who have already left the plain of reality and rational thought.
“You think they are thinking about people, who have guns in their home?” said Felton.
“Have you seen the bath salt cases? There are dudes eating people’s faces out there man. And those people aren’t even dead man. Some real zombie shit. You think people, who eat other people’s faces, are going to care about guns? People are nuts.”
Felton though says he can’t help but admire the brass of the Leicester Crime Prevention Group.
“It’s like the Wild, Wild West out there in Leicester now, boy,” said Felton.
“I might just hang out around in that side of town to see if I can catch a good ole fashion standoff. Imagine a guy with a shotgun versus a guy that can’t even keep his drool in his own mouth because he is so strung out.”
All Leicester citizens were notified earlier today that the Third Amendment of the U.S. Constitution requires citizens to permit soldiers quartering during wartime. Yes, the amendment even applies to your annoying uncle. Let him in.
The Leicester Crime Prevention Group spent yesterday arming their lawn gnomes with land mines. All Leicester animals have been ordered to stay clear of the lawn gnomes.