ASHEVILLE- Andy Hays never expected his Big Love festival experience to end with him sitting on a park bench crying over an order of yucca fries from the Smash Box food truck.
But cry Andy did, and no number of delicious yucca fries in his mouth could patch the hole left in his heart from Arielle Kinsley, his girlfriend of four weeks, who dumped him in the middle of Big Love festivities Sunday.
“How could anyone dump somebody during a festival called Big Love?” said Hays.
“I don’t understand what happened. Everything was going so well. We just got done hula hooping on the lawn together and was lying on the grass sharing a Kombucha, when all of a sudden Arielle said she didn’t think our two energies were aligning well with the planets. What the hell does that even mean?”
Hays soon after, found himself with an empty Kombucha bottle, holding back tears, as he watched sitting in his Bohemian skirt, an accessory Arielle forced him to wear that morning that was giving him a severe case of jock itch, Arielle take off with what he swears was the drummer of the Hermit Kings.
“I knew I should have joined the band in high school,” said Hays.
“But no, my dad was like ‘band is for dorky nerds.’ So instead I rode the bench as a backup punter for four years trying to live up to my dad’s legacy. Thanks dad, now not only am I a backup punter, but a backup punter with no girl and no sense of rhythm.”
Hays plans on winning Arielle back by learning how to play mandolin and writing a power love ballad entitled ‘Little Mermaid of My Heart.’ In the meantime, Hays isn’t going to let a broken heart keep him from training for the Hacky Sack World Championships.
“Being a backup punter you use your feet all the time, so I picked up hacky sack pretty quickly,” said Hays.
“That’s how Arielle and I met actually. She was meditating in Pritchard Park and I straight up jacked her in the braids with a sack on accident. Shiva as my witness, I will have Arielle on my arm and a hacky sack championship by the end of the year.”