ASHEVILLE- What is the obsession with roads?
That is what one Asheville man wants to know of New Belgium Brewery’s options for getting its beer from the brewery on Craven Street to distributors.
A traffic study performed by the City of Asheville recommended the New Belgium trucks use Haywood Road as the primary route from Craven Street. While opponents of the City’s recommendation have offered alternative routes to reduce truck traffic on Haywood Road.
But Asheville resident Tank Colbert doesn’t think New Belgium needs to use the roads at all. Colbert is offering his 12 x 12 foot, homemade raft, made out of Pigsah Forest dead wood, as an alternative to transport New Belgium beer out of the city.
“Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads,” said Colbert.
“Who needs roads when we have the beautiful French Broad River to navigate? Now I won’t charge New Belgium very much since they’re creating jobs in the area. Just one case of beer for each trip down the river and a handgun to ward off river pirates and otters.”
Colbert has been using his personal raft to give Tank’s Hope It Floats River Tours the last ten years to unsuspecting tourists, but is ready for a change of pace due to his clients always complaining about him drinking on the job.
“My clients were always complaining about me drinking,” said Colbert.
“But we are floating a bloody river, mate. There is water literally all around us. You’re bound to get thirsty with all this water.”
Colbert has yet to contact New Belgium about his plan. Colbert is currently preparing a presentation about his idea to present to the Asheville City Council on January 22. The City Council is expected to review the process of the New Belgium Brewery that night.
“Where does one get poster board in this town?” said Colbert.
“Maybe my mum will let me borrow her computer and I could make one of those fancy slide show things.”
New Belgium was probably available for comment, but the reporter assigned to this story was too busy checking his Facebook status to care. The status “at the gym” received two likes and one comment, “fat ass,” left by his high school buddy, who has a serious disregard for people’s feelings.