ASHEVILLE- Heath Mason had already reduced his morning anxiety a year ago when he decided to wear the same pair of skinny jeans for the rest of his life.
Despite his anxiety prevention move, Mason found himself rubbing his lens-free horn-rimmed glasses, with mouth a gaped staring at his mass closet collection of flannel shirts early Tuesday morning.
“There is just so many,” said Mason.
“Red ones, blue ones, green ones, yellow ones, I just don’t know where to begin.”
Shortly after Mason collapsed to the floor in the fetal position, quivering as the cool closet air overwhelmed his bare chest. Mason began to question why God had put him on earth as his mounting flannel collection taunted him with chants of ‘wear me.’
Mason’s plight while extreme may not be all that uncommon as a new survey conducted by the Citizen Thymes has found 75 percent of Asheville males own more than six clothing items consisting of flannel.
Mason’s roommate Chuck Rigby found Mason 20 minutes later, when he went into Mason’s room to borrow Mason’s pipe.
“Dude what are you doing?” said Rigby.
“I can’t decide which flannel to wear today,” said Mason.
“Red ones, blue ones, yellow ones, it’s just too much.”
Rigby took a hit of Mason’s pipe and began laughing hysterically at his roommate’s predicament.
“Dude, red shirt, blue shirt, who gives a shit?” said Rigby.
“Here hit this and you will be alright.”
Mason took a hit of his non-doctor prescribed anxiety medicine and immediately returned to his life disposition of ironic pretentiousness.
Mason grabbed a red flannel shirt and put it on and then grabbed a yellow flannel shirt and tied it around his waste. He readjusted his lens-free horn-rimmed glasses and looked at his attire in the mirror and muttered to himself, “ironic, just how I like it.”
If you or someone you know may be suffering from flannel shirt anxiety, you may want to consider moving to the states of Colorado or Washington so you too can take non-doctor prescribed anxiety medicine, but legally.