Asheville resident warming up brick throwing arm for future downtown Starbucks window

  • SumoMe

ASHEVILLE- There is more to vigilantism than dawning a cape and jumping off buildings in attempt at human flight.


True vigilantes train for months, so when the call comes, justice is served quickly.


Upon the announcement this past week that the Aloft Hotel in Downtown Asheville at 51 Biltmore Avenue will include a Starbucks, one local vigilante began his training.


So when they build it, he will come. Come to destroy it that is.


Vigilante Suck My Latte

The vigilante, who calls himself Suck My Latte, divulged his plans to prevent the corporate chain Starbucks from moving into downtown.


“What do people don’t understand about the Asheville Go Local campaign?” said Latte.


“Support your local store owner dammit! Starbucks is going to move in here and run all the local coffee shops out of downtown. People are going to lose jobs. But I have a brick in hand and I am getting ready to throw it through the Starbucks’ windows to make sure they don’t survive in downtown for long.”


Latte had a similar strategy several years ago when Starbucks built an establishment on 62 Charlotte Avenue. But his strategy failed after his arm wore out from throwing too many bricks and many of his fellow Starbucks detractors sold out and wound up frequenting the Seattle based establishment.


“I threw a brick and they replaced the window,” said Latte.


“I threw another brick and they replaced that window. Eventually my arm got tired. I needed a relief pitcher, but all of them were too busy sipping Starbucks Frappuccinos in the bullpen. This time around though I’m going to make sure my rotator cup has the endurance.”


Latte has been working out with resistance bands and curling bricks since the announcement. Latte also is working on becoming ambidextrous so when one arm gets tired he can switch a brick to the other arm.


Surprisingly, Latte believes his plan will not only work, but he will escape criminal charges in the process.


“I think with the Downtown Business Improvement District proposal, the city of Asheville has made it clear people can get away with crimes in downtown currently,” said Latte.


“Even if the BID does pass, mall cop Paul Blart doesn’t have a chance against me. Besides I don’t think I’m committing a crime, I’m saving lives. Starbucks is the real criminal.”

Author: citizenthymes

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