ASHEVILLE- The statewide ban on video sweepstakes machines went into effect this past Thursday.
As a result Asheville senior citizen Mildred Kennedy is now considering a ban on life.
“What am I supposed to do now?” said Kennedy.
“Play bingo? I won’t be caught dead at a bingo hall. Bingo is for those old folks, who want to run their mouth about the recent Viagra episode at the retirement home. I think the ban is a sign from God it is my time to go.”
Kennedy often frequented Lucky’s Sweepstakes in Candler before the ban went into effect. Kennedy is well aware she could make an hour drive to Harrah’s Cherokee to do some gambling, but is afraid cruise control won’t get her there safely.
“I can’t even back out of my own driveway without hitting the mailbox,” said Kennedy.
“The only reason I went to Lucky’s is because it was a straight shot, plus not a lot of children in the area so the risk of hitting a child was very low. If I drove to Harrah’s I would go straight off the embankment.”
Kennedy plans on living out the rest of her days watching VHS tape recordings of her favorite show Wheel of Fortune, eating three healthy meals of grilled cheese sandwiches, and drinking as much gin as possible.
“I just feel bad for all those people who will lose their jobs,” said Kennedy.
“With the unemployment rate like it is, I can’t believe they would get rid of something that creates jobs. As for me, I will be fine. The gin has to get to my liver at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later.”
UPDATE- This morning Kennedy was arrested and cited with a DUI after parking her 1991 Lincoln Town Car in her neighbor’s front yard. Officers reported there was a strong smell of gin on her breath.