ASHEVILLE- When you are missing one blonde hair bombshell beauty that has lighting quick reflexes, superhero strength, and goes by the name Slayer, you have to rely on the next best thing to fight forces of evil.
Asheville Street Services (A.S.S.), armed with a pocket flashlight, a tape measure, and a pencil, is the City of Asheville’s last line of defense against the recent rash of gateways to hell opening in the city limits.
After filling in one gateway to hell in West Asheville, the A.S.S. has to tackle another one that has opened up by Wild Birds Unlimited in South Asheville. The local media has referred to the gateways as sink holes, but the Citizen Thymes uncovered there was a lot more to these sinkholes on June 25th.
“These gateways just keep popping up,” said Tank Ashley, director of A.S.S.
“The sin must truly run rampant through the city. We fill one and then another opens up. We fill that one and then another one opens up. It is like playing a game of whack-a-mole, but we are whacking the devil. Here at the A.S.S. we do God’s work.”
The A.S.S. has yet to see anything crawl up out of the gateways, but claims evil forces are present.
“For the earth to erupt like that is damn spooky,” said Ashley.
“I’d begin to say your prayers to whatever higher power you believe in because the spirits are coming. One of these days A.S.S. will not be able to save your behind.”
A.S.S. is currently figuring out how to close the gateway by Wild Birds Unlimited.
“I would say a little sand, dirt, and asphalt will take care of that,” said Ashley.
“We do hero’s work my friend.”
When A.S.S. is not closing gateways, they strive to stay on top of their game.
A.S.S. workers engage in sinkhole simulations by playing whack-a-mole at the local Chuck E. Cheeses.
“An A.S.S. worker has to stay alert at all times,” said Ashley.
“Whack-a-mole helps with hand eye coordination and the prizes you get with the tickets isn’t too shabby either.”
A.S.S. is also coming up with a formula to predict when another gateway to hell may open.
“A gateway to hell will open up to areas, which have a lot of people who sin,” said Ashley.
“We have been monitoring Applebee’s parking lots for seismic activity. We just think whoever enjoys an Applebee’s steak must be in hell already.”
Asheville has yet to find the Slayer, until then A.S.S. will take care of the city sinkholes, gateways to hell, and if they have time potholes.