ASHEVILLE- Little Ann Perkins wants a unicorn for her upcoming fifth birthday, but she’s not getting one because unicorns are not real.
The Asheville Zombie Walk organizers wanted zombies for their walk, but they’re not getting them because zombies are not real.
Despite countless pieces of literature and films hinting at the possibility of the flesh eating species existence, UNC Asheville State Thanatologist Chris Evans explains zombies are in fact a myth.
“We get a call at least once a week, whether the zombie apocalypse has started,” said Evans.
“Let me be clear zombies do not exist and when I tell people that, they seem disappointed. That just seems crazy to me. Who would want a zombie apocalypse to take place? Imagine what it would be like for McDonalds to serve Big Al, Big Lisa, and your neighbor Fred, instead of the Big Mac. The thought makes me shutter.”
The lack of zombies is reportedly one big reason why Asheville’s annual Asheville Zombie Walk was canceled.
“I don’t know how they held the event in the past, zombies do not exist,” said Evans.
Evans and the UNC Asheville Thanatology department have received heavy phone traffic in the last several months in regards to a possible zombie apocalypse. Several incidents of humans eating other human faces have left the public at large worried the zombie apocalypse is coming.
“Those people were not zombies, they were just fucking crazy, there is a big difference,” said Evans.
“The people that ate other peoples’ faces off were breathing and alive. If anything we call that cannibalism. I’m sure there is a lot of mad cannibals out there right now because they are being accused of being zombies.”
The UNC Asheville State Thanatology department has started a support group for cannibals, who may feel traumatized by the recent outbreak of misinformation. For more information call the cannibal support hotline at 828-209-8874.
For those still hoping for the zombie apocalypse, Evans has some advice.
“Most people, who wish for the apocalypse to happen, we find is very nerdy, out of shape, and lacks both the strength and aptitude to survive an apocalypse if one were to happen,” said Evans.
“Be careful for what you wish for, because most people, who want the apocalypse to happen, would be zombie meals.”