Asheville atheist snowman pleads for God as sunrays scorch icy flesh
Feb14

Asheville atheist snowman pleads for God as sunrays scorch icy flesh

ASHEVILLE- Abe the snowman a life long atheist has always questioned the existence of God, because he thought how could any creator be so cruel as to create life without legs and thus imprison Abe to staring at a West Asheville bungalow overran by cats and defined by an intense urine smell.   But if Abe the snowman had been blessed with knees, he would certainly be on them right now begging God for salvation.   West Asheville neighbors were alarmed early Friday to find their neighbor Abe the snowman screaming in agony.   “It was unreal, Abe was sweating profusely and crying out in pain,” said Nancy Withers, a West Asheville resident.   “It was like that scene in Wizard of Oz. Abe was just screaming ‘I’m melting, I’m melting.’ I was surprised to see it, because Abe was always such a cool, calm, and collective guy.”   As the midmorning sunrays beat down on Abe’s icy flesh, Abe began to cry out to God for help.   “Why God? Why me?” Abe pleaded.   “What did I do to deserve this? Was it the corncob pipe? A neighborhood kid stuck it in my mouth and I had no choice in the matter.”   Abe the snowman slowly melted away as the day wore on.   “Abe was the size of Chris Christie, now he looks like a stick figure,” said Withers.   “I would feed him, but I have no idea what a snowman eats. I tried feeding him soup, but that just made him melt faster. Only person I know that when he eats he loses weight.”   Abe has requested a preacher to read him his last rites as he feels his death is imminent.   “I’m not sure if God is real or not, but I’m hedging my bets by asking God for forgiveness,” said Abe.   “Hopefully my grandfather Frosty will meet me at the gates and hopefully it’s the pearly gates, because if it is hell, we will both be screwed. An eternity in a perpetual liquid state does sound like...

Read More
Coworker suspected of buying her own Valentine flowers really has boyfriend
Feb14

Coworker suspected of buying her own Valentine flowers really has boyfriend

ASHEVILLE- The snowpocalypse has everybody in Asheville feeling cold this week.   But employees at a local medical sales supply company feel cold year round because they have deal with their coworker ‘Bitchy’ Vicky 365 days a year.   That is why when ‘Bitchy’ Vicky received Valentine flowers midmorning from the delivery guy her coworkers were left speechless.   “How could anyone love her?” said Monica, a sales associate who spends most her days sharing cat videos on Facebook.   “She always so pushy and overbearing.”   Monica’s overweight cubicle pal Shelia, who religiously listens to Jillian Michaels podcast about weight loss and nervously chews on Girl Scout Thin Mints, had her own theory about ‘Bitchy’ Vicky’s Valentine delivery.   “I bet she bought them for herself,” said Shelia.   “No one and I mean no one could love that cold hearted woman. You remember Monica, when we had to spend a whole day with ‘Bitchy’ Vicky once during that team building seminar our boss made us attend? Ugh what a long day that was.”   Unbeknownst to Shelia and Monica, ‘Bitchy’ Vicky does indeed has a boyfriend, who also happens to be the CEO of the company they work for, which mean ‘Bitchy’ Vicky will soon be their boss.   “How embarrassing, who buys themselves flowers?” said Monica.   “Hey John did you know ‘Bitchy’ Vicky bought herself flowers for Valentine’s Day?”   John pretends that he didn’t hear Monica as he plays Angry Bird on his iPhone and wonders why just because he is the only gay guy at the office that all his female coworkers thinks he wants to hear their bullshit...

Read More
Comic Andy Woodhull at Millroom tonight
Feb14

Comic Andy Woodhull at Millroom tonight

Comedian Andy Woodhull will be performing at the Millroom tonight.   There are two shows tonight, one at 7:00 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased here.   About Woodhull: Andy made his television debut on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham. This came the same year that he was invited to perform at the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, and The Great American Comedy Festival. He has also been featured on the nationally syndicated Bob and Tom radio show, and was a semi- finalist in CMT’s “Next Big Comic”. Most recently he won the Best of the Midwest Competition at Gilda’s Laugh Fest earlier this year.   Here is a video of Woodhull performing:   Joining Woodhull on stage will be Atlanta comedian Gilbert Lawand and Asheville’s own Grayson...

Read More
Special snowflake that was told by mom no two snowflakes are alike just dies on windshield like thousands of peers
Feb12

Special snowflake that was told by mom no two snowflakes are alike just dies on windshield like thousands of peers

ASHEVILLE- Snowflake parents are usually not known for having the warmest hearts.   However, Flake Junior’s mother was an exception, who used to tell her son while growing up and falling through earth’s atmosphere that no two snowflakes are alike and that Flake Junior was indeed very special.   Flake Junior must of let his mother’s words get to his head as the not so invincible snowflake floated into I-40 traffic early Wednesday morning colliding with a Subaru windshield.   Flake Junior was pronounced dead at the scene. Paramedics attempted to resuscitate Flake Junior, but could not identify Flake Junior ‘s body parts from the thousands of other snowflake body parts that laid in the carnage left by the Subaru.   “There is a reason why Humpty Dumpty is a fairy tell,” said Asheville EMT Rick Rogers.   “Besides we didn’t exactly have a magnify glass in the back of the meat wagon.”   The snowflake family group Snow Flake Focus on the Family released a statement shortly after the incident, calling Flake Junior’ s death one more tragic example of how coddling and putting snowflake children on a pedestal can lead to their ultimate demise.   The Snow Crime Scene Investigation Unit questioned the woman driving the Subaru about the incident.   “He just floated out into the road,” said the woman.   “There was nothing that I could do. Well I think it was him, they all looked the same and I think I hit quite a few of them. What was so special about this snowflake again?”   Flake Junior lived to be 45 minutes old and is survived by his sister Flakelita, who resides inside a snowman in a West Asheville resident’s yard.   The SCSCIU however is still trying to find someone that can confirm the remains that they have is indeed Snowflake...

Read More
Asheville video game developer & devout deadhead Adam Blumenthal latest guest on Finding Asheville
Feb10

Asheville video game developer & devout deadhead Adam Blumenthal latest guest on Finding Asheville

How do you go from working with rock stars to working with doctors?   Nathan sits down with Adam Blumenthal owner of Curious Sense and Health Games Innovation Lab for the 22nd episode of Finding Asheville. They chat about growing up in Fairfax, VA, Adam’s short stint into journalism, history of virtual reality and gaming, stops with Kodak, R/GA, and McKinney, what it was like to develop video games for Phish, REO Speedwagon, Soulja Boy, and the Grateful Dead, what it means to be a dead head, and why video games may be the answer to America’s health problems.   Listen to the full episode below or via iTunes here: Be sure to subscribe to the podcast via iTunes here to get new episodes to download to your listening devices each week and get caught up on past episodes!   Oh and if you are feeling super nice like the Finding Asheville Facebook page...

Read More
Adam Blumenthal video game developer talks virtual reality, Grateful Dead fandom on Finding Asheville Monday, listen to a teaser
Feb07

Adam Blumenthal video game developer talks virtual reality, Grateful Dead fandom on Finding Asheville Monday, listen to a teaser

The 22nd episode of the Finding Asheville podcast will be with Adam Blumenthal owner of Curious Sense and Health Games Innovation Lab.   Listen to a teaser below:   Nathan sits down with Adam Blumenthal owner of Curious Sense and Health Games Innovation Lab. They chat about growing up in Fairfax, VA, Adam’s short stint into journalism, history of virtual reality and gaming, stops with Kodak, R/GA, and McKinney, what it was like to develop video games for Phish, REO Speedwagon, Soulja Boy, and the Grateful Dead, what it means to be a dead head, and why video games may be the answer to America’s health problems.   Full episode will be available for download via iTunes February 10th here.   Remember the easiest way to listen to Finding Asheville each week is by clicking the subscribe button via iTunes...

Read More