Asheville father shows son Chick-fil-A campers as example of what giving up on life looks like
Apr03

Asheville father shows son Chick-fil-A campers as example of what giving up on life looks like

ASHEVILLE- Usually when Garrison Ford wants to teach his 9-year-old son Leonard a lesson he just revokes Leonard’s television viewing privileges for a week.   But when more than 100 people camped out in a parking lot of a soon to be opened Chick-fil-A on Merrimon Avenue, in hopes of being one of the first 100 people in line to win 52 sandwiches, 52 orders of waffle fries, and 52 medium drinks or $292.76 worth of product from Chick-fil-A, Garrison Ford could not pass up the opportunity yesterday afternoon to teach his son one more life lesson.   Ford holding his son hand walked his son around the campsite.   “Dad why are these people camping in this parking lot?” said Leonard.   “Why don’t they camp in the woods like we do?”   Garrison Ford lowered to one knee and placed his hand on his son’s shoulder and looked him in the eyes.   “Son these people don’t camp in the woods because camping in the woods might mean they would have to go a day without convenience,” said Garrison.   “These people are here for free chicken sandwiches. Now Leonard on a nice day like today would you want to be in the woods right now or camping here for chicken sandwiches?”   “In the woods, so we can look for bears and have s’mores,” replied Leonard.   “Why do these people want to camp out in this boring parking lot for free chicken instead of the woods?”   Garrison Ford smiled at his son’s perplexed face.   “You know how mommy and I tell you to keep dreaming big and working hard and to listen to your teachers?” said Garrison.   “Yes, so I can be an astronaut,” said Leonard.   “That’s right, well look at all these people here, son,” said Garrison.   “Each and everyone of them had big dreams like you once. Some of them wanted to be astronauts, some wanted to be doctors, some wanted to be firefighters, some wanted to be writers, some wanted to be painters. But somewhere along the way they quit dreaming, they quit working hard, they quit listening to the important and encouraging people in their life like their teachers and more importantly they quit listening to what their heart wanted and because of it they had to settle for a job they didn’t want. Worse, now they have a big hole in their heart from not pursuing what they were meant to do with their lives. ”   “A hole?” said Leonard.   “Yes a hole,” said Garrison.   “And they have to fill it with...

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Unemployed Asheville man to run against Moffitt in hopes for UNC-TV job offer from Moffitt
Mar13

Unemployed Asheville man to run against Moffitt in hopes for UNC-TV job offer from Moffitt

ASHEVILLE- What one man sees as an ethics violation, another man sees as a job opportunity.   Unemployed Asheville resident Mike Jones officially filed paperwork yesterday to run against Republican incumbent Rep. Tim Moffitt for the N.C. House District 116 seat.   “It’s a tough job market out there,” said Jones.   “So if Mr. Moffitt is giving out jobs to his political opponents in exchange for dropping out of races, I say why not give a run at a house seat a shot. I knew the new economy would require me to be creative to acquire a job, I just didn’t know I had to be this creative.”   Jones decided to run for the District 116 seat yesterday after learning Rep. Moffitt had reportedly offered Democrat opponent Brian Turner an opportunity to run UNC-TV in exchange for dropping out of the race. Turner turned down the opportunity and called the offer a possible ethics violation, but Jones is willing to look the other way in regards to ethics, if it means employment for the first time in six months.   “You would be amazed how quickly your ethics disappear when you have been forced to live off of exclusively Ramen for the past six months,” said Jones.   “I wasn’t really going to vote for Moffitt, because I never really saw him as a job creator. But I have to say this incident has changed my mind and if I get the UNC-TV job for running and then dropping out, Mr. Moffitt is definitely getting my vote.”   Jones, who graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in English from UNC Charlotte and former Papa John’s pizza delivery driver, says he is ready if offered by Moffitt to run UNC-TV, despite not having any media or production experience.   “Unemployment has allowed me to thoroughly study Netflix’s vast media library,” said Jones.   “You could say I’m a journeyman in what makes good television.”   However, if Moffitt doesn’t offer UNC-TV to Jones, Jones has yet to figure out what issues he will base his campaign on.   “I don’t know what issues I want to tackle first, perhaps state legalization of marijuana or free Tibet,” said Jones.   “That way I don’t have to listen to my drug dealer Tom go on and on about how the lizard people are taking over America. Tim Moffitt is a good example how that theory has to be bunk. Lizards are known to be cold-blooded creatures, but Moffitt had it in his heart to not only offer Turner a job, but also warn Turner that third parties outside of Moffitt’s control...

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BeerCity poll dead, Asheville Chamber of Commerce found bedside frantically trying to resuscitate with defibrillator
Mar12

BeerCity poll dead, Asheville Chamber of Commerce found bedside frantically trying to resuscitate with defibrillator

ASHEVILLE- Letting a loved one go is always hard.   It’s even harder to let a loved one go, which essentially did your job for you.   So when the BeerCity USA poll’s heart stopped and the doctor muttered ‘we’ve lost it’ over the piercing sound of the heart rate monitor, Kit Cramer, President and CEO of the Asheville Chamber of Commerce lost it.   Cramer was overheard yelling, “don’t die on me dammit,” “what am I supposed to say about Asheville now,”  “you really think people under 50 care about the Biltmore House?” and “clear” from the waiting room of Mission Hospital, in between the sound of the defibrillator shocking the BeerCity USA poll’s lifeless chest.   Nurses scrambled to restrain Cramer, but were halted by Charlie Papazian, the father of BeerCity USA poll, stern voice say ‘let her be.’   Papazian placed a hand on Cramer’s shoulder and whispered, “it’s ok” into Cramer’s ear. Upon hearing Papazian, Cramer dropped the defibrillator paddles and fell helplessly onto BeerCity USA poll’s cold body, crying frantically and beating on its chest, screaming, “why God, why now?”   “It is definitely hard to say goodbye to a child, but it is also nice to know they had an impact,” said Papazian.   “I had no idea that the BeerCity USA poll had such an impact in Kit’s life. I hope she will be ok.”   The BeerCity USA poll lived to be five-years-old and is survived by it’s father Charlie Papazian. The BeerCity USA poll is known to be the only living organism other than Jesus to be conceived by just one human, justifying the Asheville Chamber of Commerce’s annual worship of the poll.   The BeerCity USA poll is said to of died, as sacrifice for your daily beer intake. So the next time you drink an Asheville brew, be sure to thank the poll for dying to save you from the ills of drinking hoppy goodness.   As for Cramer, she was last seen trying to think of interesting ways to repackage a house built by a rich dead guy to unsuspecting...

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Asheville man paralyzed with decision of what flannel shirt to wear today
Feb18

Asheville man paralyzed with decision of what flannel shirt to wear today

ASHEVILLE- Heath Mason had already reduced his morning anxiety a year ago when he decided to wear the same pair of skinny jeans for the rest of his life.   Despite his anxiety prevention move, Mason found himself rubbing his lens-free horn-rimmed glasses, with mouth a gaped staring at his mass closet collection of flannel shirts early Tuesday morning.   “There is just so many,” said Mason.   “Red ones, blue ones, green ones, yellow ones, I just don’t know where to begin.”   Shortly after Mason collapsed to the floor in the fetal position, quivering as the cool closet air overwhelmed his bare chest. Mason began to question why God had put him on earth as his mounting flannel collection taunted him with chants of ‘wear me.’   Mason’s plight while extreme may not be all that uncommon as a new survey conducted by the Citizen Thymes has found 75 percent of Asheville males own more than six clothing items consisting of flannel.   Mason’s roommate Chuck Rigby found Mason 20 minutes later, when he went into Mason’s room to borrow Mason’s pipe.   “Dude what are you doing?” said Rigby.   “I can’t decide which flannel to wear today,” said Mason.   “Red ones, blue ones, yellow ones, it’s just too much.”   Rigby took a hit of Mason’s pipe and began laughing hysterically at his roommate’s predicament.   “Dude, red shirt, blue shirt, who gives a shit?” said Rigby.   “Here hit this and you will be alright.”   Mason took a hit of his non-doctor prescribed anxiety medicine and immediately returned to his life disposition of ironic pretentiousness.   Mason grabbed a red flannel shirt and put it on and then grabbed a yellow flannel shirt and tied it around his waste.  He readjusted his lens-free horn-rimmed glasses and looked at his attire in the mirror and muttered to himself, “ironic, just how I like it.”   If you or someone you know may be suffering from flannel shirt anxiety, you may want to consider moving to the states of Colorado or Washington so you too can take non-doctor prescribed anxiety medicine, but...

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Unemployed Asheville man spends snow day like everyday smoking pot and watching Netflix
Feb14

Unemployed Asheville man spends snow day like everyday smoking pot and watching Netflix

ASHEVILLE- Even a snow day can’t screw up Jerry Morgan’s daily routine.   Mr. Morgan spent yesterday’s snow day doing what he does every day smoking pot and searching Netflix for shows to watch.   “Snow days can create chaos for some folks,” said Morgan.   “For me, I made life choices a long time ago that created the chaos in my life.”   Morgan a 24-year-old unemployed man, who lives in his parents’ basement in North Asheville, explains how the snow day impacted him.   “The snow day was pretty good actually, because it forced my mom to stock up on groceries,” said Morgan.   “Plenty of munchies if you know what I’m saying. It got pretty cold in the basement but I rode it out by watching Wings on Netflix. I guess yesterday could have been better if House of Cards was already released, but there’s always today for that.”   Morgan spends the first hour of every day applying to the minimum wage server jobs available in Asheville and then spends the rest of each day smoking pot and watching Netflix.   “I guess this is not what I imagined when I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in philosophy,” said Morgan.   “I do spend a lot of time thinking about what it means to be a member of the 4.8 percent that is unemployed in Buncombe County. But philosophy taught me a lot about perspective and boy can a bowl and a Breaking Bad marathon really change your mind about your own...

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Asheville atheist snowman pleads for God as sunrays scorch icy flesh
Feb14

Asheville atheist snowman pleads for God as sunrays scorch icy flesh

ASHEVILLE- Abe the snowman a life long atheist has always questioned the existence of God, because he thought how could any creator be so cruel as to create life without legs and thus imprison Abe to staring at a West Asheville bungalow overran by cats and defined by an intense urine smell.   But if Abe the snowman had been blessed with knees, he would certainly be on them right now begging God for salvation.   West Asheville neighbors were alarmed early Friday to find their neighbor Abe the snowman screaming in agony.   “It was unreal, Abe was sweating profusely and crying out in pain,” said Nancy Withers, a West Asheville resident.   “It was like that scene in Wizard of Oz. Abe was just screaming ‘I’m melting, I’m melting.’ I was surprised to see it, because Abe was always such a cool, calm, and collective guy.”   As the midmorning sunrays beat down on Abe’s icy flesh, Abe began to cry out to God for help.   “Why God? Why me?” Abe pleaded.   “What did I do to deserve this? Was it the corncob pipe? A neighborhood kid stuck it in my mouth and I had no choice in the matter.”   Abe the snowman slowly melted away as the day wore on.   “Abe was the size of Chris Christie, now he looks like a stick figure,” said Withers.   “I would feed him, but I have no idea what a snowman eats. I tried feeding him soup, but that just made him melt faster. Only person I know that when he eats he loses weight.”   Abe has requested a preacher to read him his last rites as he feels his death is imminent.   “I’m not sure if God is real or not, but I’m hedging my bets by asking God for forgiveness,” said Abe.   “Hopefully my grandfather Frosty will meet me at the gates and hopefully it’s the pearly gates, because if it is hell, we will both be screwed. An eternity in a perpetual liquid state does sound like...

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