Now that Super Bowl is over, Asheville family thinks it might be time to put away Christmas tree
Feb05

Now that Super Bowl is over, Asheville family thinks it might be time to put away Christmas tree

ASHEVILLE- If your Christmas tree is decorated with football ornaments, surely you can’t put the tree away until football season is over.   At least that is what one Asheville family thinks.   “Who says you can only celebrate Jesus’s birthday for a set amount of time?” said Teresa Jones, a 45-year-old West Asheville resident.   “First, our tree is so pretty and it would be a shame to only have it up one month a year. Second, our Christmas tree is covered in footballs. Now granted the footballs are Carolina Panther footballs, but someday we are going to put this tree away with the Super Bowl champions hanging on our tree. Yes pigs do fly. Not to mention taking down the tree is a big pain in the ass.”   The Jones’s decision to put away their Christmas tree on February 4 sets a personal family record. Usually the Jones family doesn’t put away the tree until after Valentines Day.   “We usually have hearts on the tree, so of course we have to give Cupid his day,” said Jones.   “This year our cats tore them down and I was too lazy to put them back on. Perhaps next year we will buy some shamrock ornaments and then we can have the tree up through March. My mom suggested I add American flags that way we could keep the tree up through July. But Christmas in July is plain crazy.”   The Jones’s tree is on a rolling platform. When they are ready to put the tree away they roll it down the hall and stuff it into the hall closet.   Jenni Jones, Teresa’s 16-year-old daughter, is excited to be able to invite her friends back over, now that the Christmas tree has been put away.   Terry Jones, husband of Teresa, would like to put the tree away a lot sooner every year, but lets it slide, because he still wants to play poker with his buddies every Tuesday...

Read More
Possible ban on Asheville Topless rally has Asheville man concerned he may have to go to strip club instead
Feb04

Possible ban on Asheville Topless rally has Asheville man concerned he may have to go to strip club instead

ASHEVILLE- A ban proposed by Buncome Rep. Tim Moffitt on public female toplessness under the state’s indecent exposure laws could cost some Asheville citizens some extra cash.   The ban would make the Go Topless rally held in Downtown Asheville illegal, eliminating a free source of entertainment for one Asheville man.   “Look I get to look at female anatomy for free once a year and now the state wants to take that away from me?” said Darryl Nash, a 43-year-old Downtown Asheville resident.   “I tell you what this state is turning into a tyranny more and more every day. My ex-wife use to show her breasts for free the first ten years of our marriage, but the last three of years of the marriage, I paid my soul. I guess it is true what they say, nothing is free anymore.”   Nash says by eliminating the rally, the state will be adversely impacting the Downtown Asheville economy.   “The Go Topless rally was the one day of the week I would skip going to the Treasure Club,” said Nash.   “Instead I would save my money, attend the rally, and then let my intake of public nudity settle with a nice lunch downtown. No more topless rally, no more lunch downtown. I guess the Treasure Club will just get my money 365 days a year instead of 364.”   Nash speculates he can’t be the only person, who sacrifices going to the strip club for a day to take in free nudity at the topless rally.   This reporter can’t help but think how much money Nash would save by investing in online porn instead, but good for Nash for stimulating the local economy. We need more patriots like Nash, who are willing to sacrifice his wallet for the good of the Asheville economy.   Rep. Tim Moffitt was too busy getting his Twitter account hacked to give a...

Read More
Asheville man disappointed to find just a bunch of old junk at Patton Avenue Goodwill grand re-opening
Feb01

Asheville man disappointed to find just a bunch of old junk at Patton Avenue Goodwill grand re-opening

ASHEVILLE- Goodwill on Patton Avenue reintroduced its’ newly renovated store to the public Wednesday, with a grand opening celebration.   But one Asheville man found nothing grand about the redesigned store.   “Grand Opening? More like grandma,” said Spencer Elliot, a 28-year-old West Asheville resident.   “Everything was old and used. I don’t get it. Just because you hang up a bunch of balloons doesn’t make anything grand. They should have called it a Balloon Opening.”   Elliot though explains not all was lost as he tried to make the best out of the trip to Goodwill.   “I had a pretty good time sucking the helium out of the balloons,” said Elliot.   “I would suck in the helium and then I would hide in the clothes racks. Then when the right person approached, I would jump out from the racks and scream, ‘welcome to Goodwill, where you can buy your stuff back that you threw away in the 90’s.’ It was totally a rad time.“   Elliot was asked to leave the store by management after deflating five balloons.   “It is not every day we get people to donate balloons,” said Steve Mitchell, Goodwill manager.   “We can’t have people destroying balloons, when we have no idea when people will donate balloons again.”   Mitchell also doesn’t understand Elliot’s helium fixation as the balloons were blown up by human air since no one had donated a helium canister.   “We only get helium and balloons, when clowns decide to retire,” said Mitchell.   “Thankfully we have plenty of people on staff, who are full of hot air, to fill the balloons with.”...

Read More
Asheville Honda finds Biltmore Avenue flood pool dirty, cold, and not nearly deep enough
Jan31

Asheville Honda finds Biltmore Avenue flood pool dirty, cold, and not nearly deep enough

ASHEVILLE- January is probably not the optimal month to take a quick dip outside.   But one Asheville Honda decided to go ahead and take a dip anyways.   “There I was cruising down Biltmore Avenue and then I saw it,” said Honda.   “The pool of water was just calling my name. I thought the pool could wash all the salt off I’ve collected the last couple of weeks.”   However, the pool on Biltmore Avenue quickly disappointed Honda.   “The water was frigidly cold. I haven’t been that cold since I went tubing in Montana last September,” said Honda.   “Also the water was super dirty. Not to mention the fact, the water wasn’t even deep enough for diving. What fun is it to wade in waist deep water?”   To make matters worse, Honda’s owner Frank Reynolds constantly berated Honda to get out of the pool.   “Oh my God, Frank was so annoying,” said Honda.   “Every 30 seconds he was like get out of the pool and I was like, ‘but I just got here. 5 more minutes, please Frank?’ Thankfully the pool wasn’t spectacular; otherwise I would have blown a gasket. Can you believe Frank didn’t want to play Marco Polo?”   Honda finally complied with Frank’s orders and got out of the pool. Honda doesn’t plan on going swimming in pools anytime soon as Frank warned Honda of the possibility of pneumonia.   “Oh pneumonia is really bad stuff,” said Honda.   “I don’t want to take any more chances. Pneumonia can really mess up your tailpipes.”   Honda also can’t stand the fact that there is water still stuck in his floorboard from the swim. Honda is currently seeking the human equivalent of q-tips to remedy the problem....

Read More
Asheville drug addict tells Leicester Crime Prevention Group threat of war probably a non-starter
Jan30

Asheville drug addict tells Leicester Crime Prevention Group threat of war probably a non-starter

ASHEVILLE- War! Huh-yeah   What is it good for?   Absolutely everything?   Uh-huh?   There is a new sheriff in town or should we say a general?   The Leicester Crime Prevention Group, a community group, has declared “war” against thieves, who have broke in to local homes and businesses. Leaders of the community group has given the drug addicts suspected of breaking into homes two options, go to church and get clean or get killed by the people protecting their homes.   But local drug addicts are likely not about to back down.   “Go to church? No thank you,” said Jerry Felton, a heroin addict and long time thief.   “Church is what drove me to heroin in the first place. All that Catholic guilt gets a little overwhelming at times. The heroin just lets me escape.”   Felton says while he appreciates the threat of death by the Leicester Crime Prevention Group, the threat is likely not to stop addicts, who have already left the plain of reality and rational thought.   “You think they are thinking about people, who have guns in their home?” said Felton.   “Have you seen the bath salt cases? There are dudes eating people’s faces out there man. And those people aren’t even dead man. Some real zombie shit. You think people, who eat other people’s faces, are going to care about guns? People are nuts.”   Felton though says he can’t help but admire the brass of the Leicester Crime Prevention Group.   “It’s like the Wild, Wild West out there in Leicester now, boy,” said Felton.   “I might just hang out around in that side of town to see if I can catch a good ole fashion standoff. Imagine a guy with a shotgun versus a guy that can’t even keep his drool in his own mouth because he is so strung out.”   All Leicester citizens were notified earlier today that the Third Amendment of the U.S. Constitution requires citizens to permit soldiers quartering during wartime. Yes, the amendment even applies to your annoying uncle. Let him in.   The Leicester Crime Prevention Group spent yesterday arming their lawn gnomes with land mines. All Leicester animals have been ordered to stay clear of the lawn...

Read More
Chick-fil-A considering opening up drive-thru directly on Merrimon Avenue during traffic jams
Jan29

Chick-fil-A considering opening up drive-thru directly on Merrimon Avenue during traffic jams

ASHEVILLE- Stuck in traffic on Merrimon Avenue?   Go ahead and let it rip my friend.   “What in the world are you doing jackass? Are you kidding me? Hey any day now? Oh Jesus fricking cheese and rice!”   Now don’t you feel better?   You know what would make you feel even better? A Chick-fil-A cookies and cream milk shake to lube up your vocal cords for your inside the car shouting voice.   Well at least Chick-fil-A thinks so.   Asheville residents are concerned the introduction of Harris Teeter and Trader Joe’s will make an already congested Merrimon Avenue a constant traffic jam.  Furthermore, the possibility of adding two fast-food drive-thrus in the area, one of which rumored to be Chick-fil-A, had residents up in arms at last Tuesday’s City Council meeting.   However, Chick-fil-A believes they have an idea that will win over residents. Chick-fil-A plans on proposing to the City Council on February 12 a drive-thru right on top of Merrimon Avenue.   “We figured if everybody is going to be stuck in traffic on Merrimon anyways, why require people to turn off of Merrimon to get our food and then try to get back on after ordering?” said Dan Cathy, President of Chick-fil-A.   “Let’s kill two birds with one stone, two golden fried juicy tender bird filets from Chick-fil-A of course, and open up shop right on Merrimon. We could have car hops take people’s order, while they are stuck in traffic and get them their food as they inch their way down the road.”   Cathy believes opening a location on Merrimon will reduce traffic congestion an additional drive-thru off Merrimon would cause and reduce traffic stress, which could save your life. A Pennsylvania State University found that daily stresses like traffic could increase your risk of chronic health conditions like heart disease by over 40 percent.   “Here at Chick-fil-A we do everything we can to make the customer feel comfortable,” said Cathy.   “If that means also saving your life through reduced stress, well I’m just glad God lets us do the work we were meant to do. Not to mention think of the reduction of hand injuries. Most drivers in traffic jams not only yell, but also pound their steering wheel or dash. If they have a shake in their hand, now they can only injure one hand on their steering wheel.”   Chick-fil-A is currently studying how they can keep their carhops safe as they weave in and out of traffic. One idea on the table is to require all carhops to wear the Chick-fil-A cow costume...

Read More