Local Mom concerned Recycle Asheville’s ‘Cookie Monster’ Recycling Bins may promote childhood obesity
Jan28

Local Mom concerned Recycle Asheville’s ‘Cookie Monster’ Recycling Bins may promote childhood obesity

ASHEVILLE- Natasha Rollins usually isn’t in favor of throwing an item in the trash, especially if she can recycle the item instead.   But when it comes to Recycle Asheville’s logo of a Cookie Monster recycling bin, Rollins wants to throw that logo straight into the trash.   “I respect what Recycle Asheville is trying to do, but this Cookie Monster recycling bin is downright deplorable,” said Rollins, a 38-year-old Asheville resident and mother of two.   “Childhood obesity is becoming a growing problem in the U.S. and this depiction of Cookie Monster eating cookies is only going to make that problem worse. Kids are going to see that and say, ‘hey this environmentally conscious contraption is eating cookies. I like the environment. I like cookies. I should eat cookies, because I want to help the environment.’ Kids are so analytical these days and it is just making them fat.”   Rollins suggests Recycling Asheville should either replace Cookie Monster with a blueberry character or other healthy blue food like water. Rollins says she would even be fine with Cookie Monster, as long as Recycling Asheville feeds Cookie Monster with some organic vegetables.   “I totally understand why Recycle Asheville’s logo couldn’t be Cookie Monster eating aluminum cans,” said Rollins.   “After all we don’t want our kids eating aluminum cans. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t raise goats. Although I’m pretty sure I read somewhere aluminum is a healthy mineral, the kiddos would probably cut themselves while trying to chow down on a Diet Coke can.”   A representative with Recycling Asheville, Captain Planet was unavailable for comment regarding the logo. Captain Planet said he was too busy trying to prevent cows from farting. Cow gas or methane is the number two contributor of greenhouse gases that cause climate change.   Recycling Asheville is a recent movement to get City Council to prioritize recycling bins in downtown Asheville and to be recycling by 2014. You can find more about Recycling Asheville here or contact Ty Hallock of Top Floor Studios, who has organized the movement....

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Downtown Asheville Building Collapses, Friends say building was contemplating ending it for long time now
Jan25

Downtown Asheville Building Collapses, Friends say building was contemplating ending it for long time now

ASHEVILLE- When a building at 15 Carolina Lane collapsed to its’ death around 2:15 p.m. yesterday, it shook nearby office workers as they felt the impact of the collapse.   But friends of 15 Carolina Lane were not surprised to hear about 15 Carolina Lane’s demise as friends say the building had been considering ending its’ life early for a long time now.   “You know 15 was kind of a loner,” said 62 N. Lexington Avenue, the building that houses the Asheville French restaurant Bouchon.   “Us buildings would throw parties and 15 just kind of always stood there, not really wanting to socially interact with anyone. 15 was a real stiff, you know always upright and held the same posture. I think 15 was in a lot of pain.”   Nearby buildings say 15 was always complaining about the pain and how it was too much to handle.   “Oh 15 truly embraced the Asheville spirit,” said 62 N. Lexington Avenue.   “15 didn’t believe in Western medicine and refused to see a doctor. 15 always complained about how it felt like it was being eaten alive on the inside. Yesterday certainly didn’t shock us buildings, when we heard 15 finally ended it. 15 is not in pain anymore and that is all that matters.”   The eaten inside feeling can be explained as workers had been already doing demolition work on the inside of 15 Carolina Lane before it collapsed.   As of 11:59 p.m. last night the coroners had yet to rule 15 Carolina Lane’s death as a suicide.  The Asheville Fire Department did not recover a suicide note at the scene as they dug through the rubble for potential victims.  No one was injured in the collapse.   15 Carolina Lane lived to be 96-years-old. Downtown Asheville buildings plan on remembering 15 Carolina Lane by engaging in a moment of silence tomorrow at noon. So if the buildings are extra quiet tomorrow, now you know...

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City Council passes food security plan, Asheville mall cop hopes to guard your dinner plate as alternative
Jan23

City Council passes food security plan, Asheville mall cop hopes to guard your dinner plate as alternative

ASHEVILLE- I have always thought when I order a $46 Cowboy Ribeye steak from Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, that for the price it should probably come with its own security entourage.   Now with all the dialogue about food security in Asheville, I just may get a security entourage for my steak.   The Asheville City Council passed the Food Action Plan 6-0 at last night’s meeting, which includes a focus on food security, food deserts, and local food production when making decisions about development.   However, Asheville mall cop Bert Haney thinks more can be done about food security and he think he is the man that can do it.   “It is time for people to start thinking about the security of their food in their own homes,” said Haney.   “People buy home security systems, they have alarms for their cars, they put their money in a vault, but they disregard the one thing that keeps them going daily, which is the food they put in their stomachs. You ever come home to a half empty Oreo package, but you swore the night before you only ate one or two Oreos out of that freshly opened package? That’s not your mind playing tricks on you. You were robbed my friend.”   Haney is in the process of developing a food security system company called Nobodys Gonna Lay a Finger on My Butterfinger. The company will offer one food cop per household armed with a taser, nightstick, and flashlight to protect all food products within the confines of the home.   “I’ve been trained to shoot a taser from 12 feet away,” said Haney.   “Oh what’s that your husband wants to steal your last fry from your dinner plate, while you are not looking? I don’t think so pal. Boom there I am to taser him from across the dining room table. Enjoy that last, oh so luscious fry Ma’am courtesy of Lieutenant Haney.”   The food security system also trains food cops to divert indirect threats to food security.   For instance, if your neighbor was to come over to ask for a cup of sugar, the food cops have been trained to say, “get your own, this is isn’t some sugar cane field,” and then directs the neighbor to the closest grocery store.   The food cops will even follow you dining out.   “We are there to make sure you never forget your leftovers at the table and to ward off the panhandlers asking for food on your way back to the car,” said Haney.   “Our cops attended an NFL fantasy camp this...

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PETA protests inhumane Cherokee bear pits, Owners say not inhumane, bears have adopted BDSM lifestyle
Jan22

PETA protests inhumane Cherokee bear pits, Owners say not inhumane, bears have adopted BDSM lifestyle

ASHEVILLE- Looks can be deceiving.   The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protested the Chief Saumooke Bear Park in Cherokee on January 12th calling for the government to shut down the zoo due to what looks like cruel treatment of the bears.   PETA’s complaint adds on to the mounting pressure to shut down the zoo after the U.S. Department of Agriculture alleged last year the zoo had failed to provide the bears with adequate shelter and veterinary care.   But zoo owner Kole Clapsaddle says he is just giving the bears what they want.   “Look these bears like a little darkness in their bedroom,” said Clapsaddle.   “I’m all for sexual freedom and these bears have adopted a sadism and masochism lifestyle. Pain really turns them on. What we do is no different than sex shops providing whips and handcuffs. Some people see our treatment as cruelty, but if you ask the bears this is exactly what they want.”   The Citizen Thymes’ bear translator was on vacation, but a Brown Bear did leave us with what we can only assume is an answer.   “Growl, snarl, growl, sniff, sniff,” said Brown Bear.   The bears’ adoption of a BDSM lifestyle lends further credibility to Charlie Gordon Earll’s, a media spokesperson for Focus on the Family, theory that bears are starting to mimic certain human attributes. You can read more about Earll’s theory here.   But Clapsaddle says it doesn’t matter how the bears found to enjoy a BDSM lifestyle, instead all that matters is the bears are allowed to practice BDSM freely.   “Do you want people busing into your bedroom telling you how to have an intimate relationship with your wife?” said Clapsaddle.   “No? Then don’t try to regulate the bears’ bedroom. This is a free country and if bears want to slap each other around to get their jollies off, then it is there God given birth right. Harming the animals? Please we are fostering the perfect environment for cub making.”   Clapsaddle has ordered several sex swings, blindfolds, and electroshock nipples for the bears that should arrive next week....

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Asheville child makes mud man since the weatherman lied about snow
Jan21

Asheville child makes mud man since the weatherman lied about snow

ASHEVILLE- Normally you wouldn’t think the local weatherman is in the business of crushing and destroying children’s dreams.   But after meteorologists predicted three to five inches of snow for the Asheville area this past Thursday that never came, six-year-old Billy Rider was left holding his pair of mittens staring out his living room window, with tears rolling down his face.   “How could the weatherman do this to me?” said Rider.   “He promised snow and lots of it. I wanted to build a snowman.  He is a liar. My mom said lying is a sin. She says it says so in the bible. Guess what weatherman? There is no snow in hell either, because it’s hot and the devil doesn’t let you do fun things like build a snowman.”   Expecting snow, Rider had gone shopping with his mother during the day Thursday to acquire supplies for the snowman including a carrot, coal, and a scarf.   But when the snow never came, Rider was left with snowman supplies and his own imagination.   “I wasn’t going to let the weatherman ruin my weekend,” said Rider.   “So I built a mud man instead. I think it was a good alternative considering my resources, besides if I didn’t do it, I was afraid my mom was going to make me eat the carrot. I hate carrots. I think my dad was a little mad I dug up the front yard to do it though.”   As of Sunday evening the mud man had dried up turning into a dirt man.   “He went from looking like my friend Bert to my grandpa in two days,” said Rider.   Muddy the mud man turned dirt man’s luck made a turn for the worst shortly after our reporter left the Rider residence, as the family’s golden retriever took a rather large bite out of Muddy’s abdomen. Mother Nature has listed Muddy in critical condition and Muddy may not make it to next weekend.   If you would like to make a donation to Muddy’s relief fund, you can make one here. All proceeds will go to Rider in order to help pay for the next carrot needed to make a snowman, if it ever snows...

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NCDOT battling mudslides, Asheville woman doesn’t see the big deal, really likes a stiff drink every now and then
Jan21

NCDOT battling mudslides, Asheville woman doesn’t see the big deal, really likes a stiff drink every now and then

ASHEVILLE- Heavy rainfalls lead to multiple mudslides throughout Western North Carolina last week.   The North Carolina Department of Transportation is working hard to clear the debris to get the roads back open as quickly as possible.   But Asheville resident Deidra Powers doesn’t understand the rush to clean up the mudslides.   “I personally enjoy mudslides,” said Powers.   “Mudslides are a pretty stiff drink and they go down pretty smooth. Sure mudslides pack a lot of calories, but in moderation should be fine.”   Powers has written a letter to the NCDOT offering assistance in helping clean up the mudslides.   “I’ve cleaned up a mudslide or two in my day,” said Powers.   “I’m somewhat of a mudslide aficionado. I would love to serve my state by cleaning up some mudslides, as long as the state of North Carolina is willing to pay for my hangover supplies.”   Powers has yet to hear back from NCDOT. In the meantime Powers plans on training for her cleaning duties by drinking a mudslide every...

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