James Franco back in town, pushing number of aspiring terrible writers in Asheville to 10,000
Jan15

James Franco back in town, pushing number of aspiring terrible writers in Asheville to 10,000

ASHEVILLE- Oh what’s that, you want to write a book or a screenplay?   Join the club my friend.   Hollywood actor and Warren Wilson student James Franco arrived back in Asheville last week pushing the number of aspiring terrible writers in Asheville to 10,000 according to the Asheville Terrible Writer Census.   “There are 10,000 of us in this town. Wow I can’t believe there are 10,000 egotistical, self-loathing people in Asheville that hate their full-time job that pays the bills,” said Mark Holiday.   “I guess writers are attracted to the scenery. They think if they connect with the wilderness they will find their true inner self. You know what I found? A minimum wage job and food stamps.”   Holiday is currently writing what he calls the next great American novel, a story about his love affair with an Asheville woman that broke his heart, after leaving him for another woman.   Jessica Long also shares Holiday’s pain of being a terrible aspiring Asheville writer.   “It seems real easy at first,” said Long.   “You start a blog, get a bunch of Twitter and Facebook fans, then companies will want to advertise on your blog, and finally some book agent will find your website and gives you a book deal. Lord was I wrong. It is really hard around the holidays with family members asking how your writing career is going.”   Long gave up her dream of being a writer a long time ago by prioritizing writing in her mind as just a hobby and something she just enjoyed to do.   “What can I say dressing up your current plight instead of accepting failure is much easier to take,” said Long.   “We can’t all be Emerson, but we can be the dopes that convince ourselves that are 8-5 job is good enough and true happiness is enjoying mind numbing CBS sitcoms with a spouse that hates you, nightly.”   The Asheville Aspiring Terrible Writer support group meets weekly on Monday nights at the Bojangles on Merrimon Avenue.   “Nothing like sweet tea to bring out the inner Southern gentleman scholar in my work,” said Holiday.   James Franco has yet to attend a support group meeting.   “When you make millions you can convince yourself of anything, poor guy thinks he is good with a quill and paper,” said Holiday.   A staff member of the Citizen Thymes found this article very depressing and is thinking about going back to school for something more practical than...

Read More
Poll: 10% of Asheville residents agree with Bothwell, Councilman Marc Hunt makes them want to puke, 80% who is Marc Hunt?
Jan14

Poll: 10% of Asheville residents agree with Bothwell, Councilman Marc Hunt makes them want to puke, 80% who is Marc Hunt?

ASHEVILLE- A new Fox News/Citizen Thymes poll reveals only a small number of Asheville residents agree with Asheville City Council member Cecil Bothwell’s claim that fellow Council member Marc Hunt makes him want to puke.   Fox News/Citizen Thymes took a random scientific and religious poll of 1,000 Asheville residents showing them a picture of Council member Marc Hunt’s face and whether the picture gave them the urge to vomit. Only 10 percent of respondents had the urge to puke after seeing Hunt’s face, while 80 percent of respondents had no idea who Hunt was.   “Who is that? Is he a professional wrestler?” asked Asheville resident Tom White.   “I could see how that cheese grin could make some people want to vomit, but I have a pretty strong stomach.”   The Citizen Times, the Citizen Thymes’ little sister publication, reported on an email Bothwell sent to Hunt in September following the City Council’s approval of the McKibbon Hotel Group’s proposal to build a hotel on Haywood Street near the Basilica of St. Lawrence. In the email Bothwell communicated to Hunt, “You make me want to puke.”   Asheville resident Becky Riggs agrees that the sight of Hunt makes her want to vomit.   “Oh God, don’t ask questions too loudly, yes the guy in the picture makes me want to vomit,” said Riggs.   “Everything makes me want to vomit right now. I think I had too much to drink last night. I’m never drinking again. Do you have any Advil?”   The next Asheville City Council meeting will be Tuesday, January 22.  The Citizen Thymes will have a reporter present to see if Bothwell actually vomits at the sight of Hunt.   An anonymous source says there will be a vomit bucket on hand at the meeting if Bothwell does blow chunks.   Does City Council member Marc Hunt make you want to puke?   Let us know in the...

Read More
Asheville man writes thank you letter to Exxon Mobil for ‘global warming’ warm January weekend
Jan14

Asheville man writes thank you letter to Exxon Mobil for ‘global warming’ warm January weekend

ASHEVILLE- Enjoy your warm January weekend Asheville?   Well so did Asheville resident Bill Hader.   In fact Hader enjoyed his warm weekend so much that he spent Saturday afternoon on his porch writing a thank you letter to Exxon Mobil.   Hader shared his letter with the Citizen Thymes before shipping it off:   Dear Exxon Mobil,   I just wanted to take a moment out of my usually warm January day and give thanks to your company for providing enough greenhouse gases that I can walk my dog in January, without the assistance of a hoodie.   I have to admit I have not always been the biggest fan of your company, especially after paying $3.23 a gallon this past Friday to fill up my car.  But now I see I shouldn’t fret about paying high gas prices, when in a way I’m paying to improve my own lifestyle by enjoying a warm January weekend.  God I love paying $3.23 a gallon!   If this warming trend continues, I am concerned that there may not be any snow in the future and I kind of do enjoy skiing from time to time. But I probably shouldn’t ski due to the fact I have really bad knees. There you go again Exxon, thank you for saving my knees!   Finally Exxon, I want to thank you contributing to the release of carcinogens in the atmosphere.  Enjoying my daily three-mile run on clean air was too easy for me in the past. Having to now breathe in toxins and do the run has made my runs challenging. Thank you Exxon for challenging me to do my best.   So again thank you for everything and as a thank you gift I would like to invite you to my backyard pool party in February. It is a potluck, so bring a casserole if you can. But don’t fret over bringing a dish, because seriously you have already done so much to help my life and this planet.   Sincerely,     Bill Hader   P.S. Don’t forget to bring a towel and...

Read More
City will tear down ice house, Asheville man says waste of money, let it melt instead
Jan10

City will tear down ice house, Asheville man says waste of money, let it melt instead

ASHEVILLE- The Asheville City Council voted in favor 5-1 for the demolition of the historic ice house building Tuesday night.   The demolition is expected to cost taxpayers $145,000.   But Asheville man Tom Stevens has a cheaper proposal that will cost taxpayers nothing.   The idea? Let the ice house melt.   “The spring and summer heat wave will get here eventually and with it the power to melt a structure made of ice,” said Stevens.   “No reason to spend all that money on cranes and bull dozers in a tight economy. Besides we could collect all the water runoff from the melt and put it back in the City of Asheville’s water supply.”   Stevens, who received an A- in Chemistry his junior year of high school, is confident enough heat will get the job done.   “This is basic science,” said Stevens.   “If you don’t believe me just watch Inconvenient Truth. All those glaciers at the North Pole are melting because it is too hot outside. If heat can take down a glacier, surely heat can take down a building made of ice.”   After fact checking with Asheville city officials it appears the ice house is not made of ice, but instead brick and mortar. The ice house derives it name from the ice plant that was once operating inside the building.   The revelation that the ice house is not made of ice makes the previous 233 words a completely worthless read. Thanks a lot Tom Stevens! If you would like to write an angry letter to Stevens for wasting your time, click...

Read More
Asheville baby-bear boom expected, Focus on the Family blames pre-marital sex, gay bears
Jan09

Asheville baby-bear boom expected, Focus on the Family blames pre-marital sex, gay bears

ASHEVILLE- Experts are predicting more cubs in the spring this year due to an abundance of food sources and a significant drop in hunting yields of bears in WNC.   The cub explosion will likely bring in a wave of cuteness and adorableness come spring.   But Focus on the Family doesn’t think this expected rise of cubs out of wedlock is cute or adorable at all.   “We just think it is a tragedy to know all these cubs will be raised without a father,” said Carrie Gordon Earll, media spokesperson for Focus on the Family.   “As a nation we have lost touch with our family values. With the rise of premarital sex and the rejection of traditional marriage, we can’t help but see bears have looked at our culture as an example and we are failing bears not only in North Carolina, but everywhere.”   Focus on the Family explains bears mimic human culture. Focus on the Family claims the rise in single parents in the United States has risen at the same rate as single parents in bear culture. Furthermore, Focus on the Family points to the fact that bears have adopted a gay lifestyle is a good example of how human culture impacts bear culture.   “We have heard that there is gay bears now,” said Earll.   “These gay bears have completely rejected their heritage and we hear that they hang out at bars, instead of foraging in the woods for berries. Our lack of disregard of family values has encouraged Winnie the Pooh to have a drinking problem. That is just plain sad. A woman in my congreagation said her son tried to date a gay bear once.”   Focus on the Family encourages everyone that is skeptical of their theory to just watch the documentary Ted to see how far bear culture has dwindled.   A message was left with Christopher Robin, Winnie the Pooh’s owner, asking for comment about his toy bear’s drinking problem was not returned Tuesday night.   Focus on the Family is asking for donations to pay for their March mission trip that will encourage mother bear’s to breast-feed. You can make a donation...

Read More
Asheville man offers personal raft as alternative to New Belgium trucks in West Asheville
Jan08

Asheville man offers personal raft as alternative to New Belgium trucks in West Asheville

ASHEVILLE- What is the obsession with roads?   That is what one Asheville man wants to know of New Belgium Brewery’s options for getting its beer from the brewery on Craven Street to distributors.   A traffic study performed by the City of Asheville recommended the New Belgium trucks use Haywood Road as the primary route from Craven Street. While opponents of the City’s recommendation have offered alternative routes to reduce truck traffic on Haywood Road.   But Asheville resident Tank Colbert doesn’t think New Belgium needs to use the roads at all. Colbert is offering his 12 x 12 foot, homemade raft, made out of Pigsah Forest dead wood, as an alternative to transport New Belgium beer out of the city.   “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads,” said Colbert.   “Who needs roads when we have the beautiful French Broad River to navigate? Now I won’t charge New Belgium very much since they’re creating jobs in the area. Just one case of beer for each trip down the river and a handgun to ward off river pirates and otters.”   Colbert has been using his personal raft to give Tank’s Hope It Floats River Tours the last ten years to unsuspecting tourists, but is ready for a change of pace due to his clients always complaining about him drinking on the job.   “My clients were always complaining about me drinking,” said Colbert.   “But we are floating a bloody river, mate. There is water literally all around us. You’re bound to get thirsty with all this water.”   Colbert has yet to contact New Belgium about his plan. Colbert is currently preparing a presentation about his idea to present to the Asheville City Council on January 22. The City Council is expected to review the process of the New Belgium Brewery that night.   “Where does one get poster board in this town?” said Colbert.   “Maybe my mum will let me borrow her computer and I could make one of those fancy slide show things.”   New Belgium was probably available for comment, but the reporter assigned to this story was too busy checking his Facebook status to care. The status “at the gym” received two likes and one comment, “fat ass,” left by his high school buddy, who has a serious disregard for people’s feelings....

Read More