Asheville Police: High Winds suspected of murdering UNCA Crab Apple Tree still on the loose
Jan07

Asheville Police: High Winds suspected of murdering UNCA Crab Apple Tree still on the loose

ASHEVILLE- The Asheville Police Department still has had no luck capturing the High Winds that is suspected of murdering an iconic crab tree on the UNC Asheville quad on December 21.   Asheville Police Chief William Anderson says authorities have been working diligently to track down leads, but has yet to capture the High Winds.   “The suspect was last seen on the campus exiting north at 47 mph on the evening of December 21,” said Anderson.   “The suspect is described as colorless, slightly frigid, and was armed heavily with random leaves and other debris. If anybody has any leads on the whereabouts of High Winds please contact the Asheville Police Department immediately.”   High Winds is suspected of murdering a 49-year-old crab tree that was found dead on the UNC Asheville quad the morning of December 22. The Arbor Day foundation is offering a $1,000 reward for any leads in the case.   After discovering the 49-year-old crab tree unconscious on December 22, UNC Asheville grounds crew tried to resuscitate the crab tree with water, until UNC Asheville grounds superintendent and landscape director Melissa Acker stepped in.   “Unfortunately the crab tree had signed a Do Not Resuscitate order,” said Acker.   “It was tough to let the tree die, but we had to respect the patient’s wish. The crab tree is in a better place now.”   The UNC Asheville grounds crew removed the crab tree’s remains from the quad Friday and hope to use the crab tree’s body parts to build some type of memorial. This has stirred a bit of controversy as some suspect the crab tree wished to be cremated instead.   The crab tree was survived by its companion, the other crab tree, and a squirrel that always use to tickle the crab tree underneath its right...

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Asheville Senior Citizen not sure life is worth living anymore with ban of video sweepstakes machine
Jan07

Asheville Senior Citizen not sure life is worth living anymore with ban of video sweepstakes machine

ASHEVILLE- The statewide ban on video sweepstakes machines went into effect this past Thursday.   As a result Asheville senior citizen Mildred Kennedy is now considering a ban on life.   “What am I supposed to do now?” said Kennedy.   “Play bingo? I won’t be caught dead at a bingo hall. Bingo is for those old folks, who want to run their mouth about the recent Viagra episode at the retirement home. I think the ban is a sign from God it is my time to go.”   Kennedy often frequented Lucky’s Sweepstakes in Candler before the ban went into effect. Kennedy is well aware she could make an hour drive to Harrah’s Cherokee to do some gambling, but is afraid cruise control won’t get her there safely.   “I can’t even back out of my own driveway without hitting the mailbox,” said Kennedy.   “The only reason I went to Lucky’s is because it was a straight shot, plus not a lot of children in the area so the risk of hitting a child was very low. If I drove to Harrah’s I would go straight off the embankment.”   Kennedy plans on living out the rest of her days watching VHS tape recordings of her favorite show Wheel of Fortune, eating three healthy meals of grilled cheese sandwiches, and drinking as much gin as possible.   “I just feel bad for all those people who will lose their jobs,” said Kennedy.   “With the unemployment rate like it is, I can’t believe they would get rid of something that creates jobs. As for me, I will be fine. The gin has to get to my liver at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later.”   UPDATE- This morning Kennedy was arrested and cited with a DUI after parking her 1991 Lincoln Town Car in her neighbor’s front yard. Officers reported there was a strong smell of gin on her...

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CITIZEN THYMES EXCLUSIVE- 3 Rejected Asheville Tea Party Raffle Prizes
Jan04

CITIZEN THYMES EXCLUSIVE- 3 Rejected Asheville Tea Party Raffle Prizes

ASHEVILLE-  The Asheville Tea Party will go ahead with the “Great Gun Giveaway” raffle this Sunday in the parking lot of the WNC Agricultural Center during the Land of Sky Gun and knife show, despite criticism from outlets such as the Huffington Post that the giveaway seemed insensitive due to the recent shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, Conn.   While the recent raffle prize of DPMS Panther Oracle AR15 assault rifle may seem controversial, believe it or not the Asheville Tea Party has rejected some raffle prize suggestions for being too controversial in the past.   The Citizen Thymes did some digging and here are the Top 3 rejected Asheville Tea Party Raffle Prizes.   3. Drift: The Unmooring of American Military Power by Rachel Maddow   If you send a member to Barnes and Noble to pick up last minute raffle prizes you better make sure that member can read. Hank Stubbins recalls his mistake of buying what he calls ‘liberal toilet paper.’   “They told me to get whatever, just something patriotic,” said Stubbins.   “The book was right there at the front of the store and it had a soldier on it. I had no idea it was written by that hootenanny skinny Communist man.”   Drift was not given away as a prize, but members did have a hell of time shooting it with an M16 according to Stubbins.   2. The Bible   The Asheville Tea Party didn’t want to confuse its members with all that ‘love thy neighbor’ mumbo jumbo stuff Jesus said. After all that may prevent members from understanding that all social programs to help the poor should be cut to reward rich people with tax breaks, because rich people are oh so very oppressed by high taxes.   The Bible was given away, but the New Testament was ripped out. Makes for faster reading.     1. Backyard Nuclear Silo   Well let’s just say the Asheville Tea Party didn’t reject a backyard nuclear missile silo as a raffle prize per se. Turns out building your own backyard nuclear missile silo breaks a couple federal laws. Who knew?   President Obama’s weak stance on Iran and North Korea lead the Tea Party to try to take the nation’s defense in their own hands. The Tea Party started building a nuclear missile silo. Thankfully members had only tied just a couple microwaves together before being busted by federal...

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Asheville Bodybuilder opposes Councilman Bothwell’s call to ban gun show on City property, says biceps are a masterpiece
Jan03

Asheville Bodybuilder opposes Councilman Bothwell’s call to ban gun show on City property, says biceps are a masterpiece

ASHEVILLE- Do you have tickets to the gun show next week, yet?   No?   Asheville Bodybuilder Brock Nettlebaum has two for sale.   “Right bicep, left bicep, oh yeah bro I got your tickets to the gun show right here, bro,” said Nettlebaum.   Nettlebaum is concerned he won’t be able to sell tickets to his gun show much longer with City Council member Cecil Bothwell calling to ban gun shows on City-owned properties.   “Our municipal code specifically prohibits the carrying of weapons on City owned properties. I don’t understand why that law is not being enforced,” Bothwell said in a press release Tuesday.   Both the Asheville Civic Center and the WNC Agricultural Center, City-owned proprieties, have rented to gun promoters in the past.   Nettlebaum however says his gun shows should be protected under the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.   “These cannons (biceps) are works of art and the Statue of David pales in comparison,” said Nettlebaum.   “I should be able to host my gun shows on City-owned property because as an American I have a right to freedom of speech. Bothwell is being all unpatriotic and shit by suggesting I can’t show these bad boys off. Plus it would be a shame for all those babes to not get a glimpse of this on City-owned property.”   Nettlebaum admits he does not know why Bothwell wants to ban gun shows on City-owned properties, but Nettlebaum does have a theory.   “I think he is jealous of these bazookas, bro,” said Nettlebaum.   “I bet he doesn’t even do curls. I pity a fool who doesn’t do curls, bro.”   Nettlebaum does impromptu gun shows daily for whoever has the time and patience to watch. If you would like to purchase two tickets to Nettlebaum’s gun show click...

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After visiting gym for first time in 2 years, Asheville man wishes he chose easier New Year’s Resolution
Jan02

After visiting gym for first time in 2 years, Asheville man wishes he chose easier New Year’s Resolution

ASHEVILLE- Bill Redmond has had a gym membership at WNC Barbell on Sardis Road for two years now.   Yesterday was the first time Redmond saw the inside of the gym in two years and he hated every minute of it.   “I can’t even feel my legs right now,” said Redmond.   “Maybe it was because I didn’t stretch first? Oh man I could really go for a beer right now.”   Redmond like many individuals this year made a New Year’s resolution to get in shape. But after 25 sweat inducing, excruciating minutes on the treadmill, Redmond is having second thoughts.   “I should have just gave up smoking instead,” said Redmond.   “The whole time I was on that treadmill I wanted a cigarette. I thought I was going to die on it. In fact I was quite confident I saw the light a couple times and it was my time to go. Turns out it was just the light reflecting off the sweaty bald guy’s head in front of me on the elliptical.”   Redmond’s second thoughts about the gym were amplified this morning after stepping on the scale to see he had only lost .02 pounds.   “All that work for nothing,” said Redmond.   “Maybe I should try Atkins because clearly exercise isn’t working. Or maybe God just meant for me to be fat. No use arguing with God.”   Redmond is skipping the gym this evening to research easier ways to get in shape products like the Shake Weight and the Tug Toner.   There is now just 364 days left to complete your New Year’s resolutions.   No...

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Hung over Asheville man can’t believe there isn’t one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole fricking house
Jan01

Hung over Asheville man can’t believe there isn’t one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole fricking house

ASHEVILLE- Sam Keegan made his New Year’s Eve plans three weeks in advance.   Keegan arranged for a limo to pick up him and his wife from his coworker’s New Year’s Eve party two weeks in advance.   Hell, Keegan even wrote his New Year’s resolutions in October.   But Sam Keegan forgot one important item to survive New Year’s Day. Keegan forgot to stock up on ibuprofen to suppress that pounding headache he now is suffering from.   “Holy Hell how much did I drink last night?” said Keegan.   Keegan remembers drinking a six-pack, but conveniently forgot about taking 4 shots of Jack with that annoying jackass from Human Resources and then there was that bottle of champagne.   “My head is killing me and I can’t even see straight. Where is the damn ibuprofen?” said Keegan.   Keegan stumbled to the bedroom window, with both hands over his eyes to prevent being blinded by that ‘damn’ sun and subsequently closed the blinds.   “I told you for the umpteenth time we don’t have any ibuprofen,” yelled Keegan’s wife.   Keegan loved his wife, but he thought if she yelled one more time it might send his migraine over the edge and he might have to suffocate her with a pillow. Keegan laughed to himself over the thought of murdering his wife as a convenient loophole to that ‘death do us part’ part in his vows.   “A fricking $250,000 house with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and there is not one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole house?” said Keegan.   “Jesus does anybody deliver ibuprofen in this town?”   The Keegans plan to spend the rest of the day in bed.  Attempting to drive to a CVS to get ibuprofen would be a death sentence according to Sam. Hell, the thought of getting up and walking downstairs to let their golden retriever Molly out, sounded exhausting to Sam. Maybe tomorrow thought...

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