5 predictions of what will happen in Asheville in 2013, because we’re smart and stuff
Jan01

5 predictions of what will happen in Asheville in 2013, because we’re smart and stuff

One does not simply make predictions. One just opens his ears to the universe’s whispers.   If  I wanted to predict the future accurately, unlike all the other blogs making predictions about 2013 right about now, I knew I had to get in touch with my inner spirit animal. In order to do that I knew I would have to become one with nature.   So I fasted from Asheville beer. I didn’t touch a biscuit or grits for nearly two months. I stood outside in the grass and welcomed the cold wind on my exposed nipples. I chatted with the neighborhood’s stray cats. I took a whole box of Nyquil, because I came down with a cold.   All my sacrifices finally paid off last night as my inner spirit animal Squirt the Chipmunk visited me in my dreams. Here is what Squirt squeaked at me:   1. David Forbes or Jake Frankel of the Mountain Xpress will be drafted by the Asheville Citizen Times Despite being passed up in last year’s Asheville Citizen Times Draft of Mountain Xpress reporters, we hear these two reporters have been training hard in the off-season. Frankel has significantly improved his 40-yard dash time and Forbes is benching laptops like a beast.   Frankel and Forbes are projected as the two top picks on both Todd McShay’s and Mel Kiper Jr.’s draft board. McShay gives Forbes a slight edge due to his shifty Twitter fingers, but Kiper has faith in the old dog, Frankel. It will be interesting to see whom the Asheville Citizen Times will pick.   2. Food Bikes will be the new Food Trucks 2012 was the year of the Food Truck. But hey wait a minute don’t food trucks emit green house gases into the atmosphere through gasoline consumption and coal fire power plants that run the truck’s generators? And Al Gore thought Exxon Mobil was the problem? Makes you wonder if that fact about Al inventing the Internet is even true.   But no worries you Asheville tree huggers, food bikes are on the way and they emit zero emissions. Chefs pedaling to power their flattop grill, while chopping an onion on the handlebars. Hell that is what we call a dinner and a show folks.       3. A lot of you are going to get fat with all this beer in town Hey you! Yeah I’m talking to you pal! You thought you were so cool being able to drink all the micro beers you want and look so physically fit. For the love of God it doesn’t make sense to me and it...

Read More
Asheville stoner confused why Wicked Weed Brewing’s beer lacks marijuana as ingredient
Dec31

Asheville stoner confused why Wicked Weed Brewing’s beer lacks marijuana as ingredient

ASHEVILLE- Wicked Weed Brewing opened their doors this past Friday to rave reviews.   But not everyone is sipping Wicked Weed’s hoppy Kool-Aid.   Asheville marijuana enthusiast Tate Linneman finds the lack of marijuana in Wicked Weed Brewing’s Beer irresponsible and misleading.   “Marajuana is in your name dude and you’re not going to put it in the beer you serve?” said Linneman.   “Total buzz killer man. Why would you tease someone like that? I got a bad case of reefer blue balls man. I’m glad I smoked before I checked Wicked Weed out Friday, otherwise I may have just ended it all right then and there man.”   Linneman plans on protesting Wicked Weed Brewing starting next week. Linneman is currently weaving a banner out of hemp that reads ‘No weed here man.’   “People got to be warned about this man,” said Linneman.   “What happens if you and your friends want to watch the Hobbit right? And your friend is like, ‘hey let’s light one up man?’ And you’re like, ‘No let’s just eat at Wicked Weed and get our buzz on with the green beer man.’ Experiencing the Shire not stoned that’s like blasphemy man.”   Linneman’s strict interpretation of the word ‘weed’ may explain why his yard is filled with weeds despite his wife gifting him a Weed Eater and a bottle of Weed-B-Gon for his birthday in May.   “Weed be gone?” Linneman chuckled.   “My wife is so funny.”   Wicked Weed is Asheville’s newest brewery. Wicked Weed is open from 5:00 p.m. to close daily and will begin lunch service after the New...

Read More
Federal Agent surprised by lack of octopus at Asheville Octopus Garden
Dec19

Federal Agent surprised by lack of octopus at Asheville Octopus Garden

Photo Courtesy of Ashvegas    ASHEVILLE- If you visit an octopus garden, one would hope to find an octopus.   Homeland Security officer Randy Lee was quite disappointed by the absence of octopus after raiding the Octopus Garden on Monday.   “Talk about false advertising, not one octopus in the whole garden,” said Lee.   “I don’t know a lot about octopus farming, but they didn’t even have any aquariums or salt water in there either.  Do they grow the octopus off site? Here I fly all the way from Washington and all I wanted to do is pet an octopus. This trip has been so disappointing.”   Homeland Security, the Asheville Police Department, and the Buncombe, Transylvania, Henderson County sheriff’s offices joint raided Octopus Garden smoke shop locations Monday carrying out search warrants for bath salts.   “Whoever owns the place had to be smoking baths salts,” said Lee.   “Who names their establishment Octopus Garden but has no octopus? I just can’t wrap my head around it.”   Lee is considering a transfer to the FDA after Monday’s raid. He wants to spend the rest of his days prosecuting businesses for false advertising.   “Monday was the last straw,” said Lee.   “I don’t know how many times I have been fooled by Everlasting Gobstoppers. Everlasting my ass, do you see any Gobstoppers in my mouth? More like two minute Gobstoppers. This world needs...

Read More
Man hopeful for Mayan apocalypse so he doesn’t have to go to the in-laws for Christmas
Dec17

Man hopeful for Mayan apocalypse so he doesn’t have to go to the in-laws for Christmas

ASHEVILLE- Let’s just say visiting the in-laws is not on Harold’s bucket list.   Harold Finnegan, a 34-year-old South Asheville resident is hopeful the Mayans were right about the world ending on December 21, 2012, so he doesn’t have to go to the in-laws for Christmas again this year.   “It’s suppose to be the most wonderful time of the year and instead every year I celebrate Jesus’s birthday in hell,” said Finnegan.   “The devil is winning. My wife’s mother is a terrible cook and her dad, oh holly hell her dad. Every year he tells the same story about how the foreigners are ruining this country. The Mayan apocalypse would be a walk in the park compared to another trip to the in-laws for Christmas.”   Finnegan has already started developing a survival strategy in case the Mayan apocalypse does not happen.   “Oh the first year I went to my in-laws I went in unprepared,” said Finnegan.   “Never again, I felt ambushed the first year. I almost didn’t make it out alive. But now I come prepared. Booze of course to ease the pain. Granola bars to eat after pretending to eat my mother-in-law’s Christmas dinner and more booze to survive the annual game of Pictionary.”   Finnegan will be celebrating his 10th Christmas with his in-laws this year.   “It’s such a milestone,” said Finnegan.   “Perhaps we could celebrate by talking about how my career choice as a teacher is not good enough for their daughter for the 10th year in a row.”   Finnegan considers himself a Christian, but has been praying to Mayan gods such as Itzamna in recent weeks to increase the likelihood of the apocalypse prediction coming true.  Finnegan also has been praying to Ix Chel, Mayan goddess of childbirth, because he hasn’t got any action from his wife in over a...

Read More
Asheville unemployment rate leaves Applebee’s waiter confident he can quit job and find new job at Chili’s
Dec10

Asheville unemployment rate leaves Applebee’s waiter confident he can quit job and find new job at Chili’s

ASHEVILLE- The recent job report shows Asheville has a 6.8 percent unemployment rate, which has a lot of out of town individuals looking at Asheville for a possible career change.   But one local waiter thinks the job report is a sign he too can make a career change.   Anthony Hillard, a 34-year-old server at an Applebee’s on Smokey Park Highway is contemplating leaving his current position for a new position at Chili’s in light of the new jobs report.   “You know it ‘s not necessarily a promotion, but sometimes you just need a change of pace,” said Hillard.   “I’ve really wanted to tell my boss off for a long time now. But everybody was always like keep on plowing ahead, because you can’t get fired in this economy. The job report gives me comfort that I can finally tell my boss he is a dick.”   Hillard would really like to get out of the service industry completely, but explains the jobs that are available in Asheville tend to be service industry related jobs.   “Sure I would like to use my economics degree, but the truth is the jobs here in Asheville tend to focus around the tourist industry,” said Hillard.   “I just envision a lot of ‘yes sir’ and ‘yes ma’am’ in my future. Oh and of course baby back ribs. At least the margaritas are a lot better at Chili’s.”   Hillard has already submitted an application to Chili’s and is currently trying to plan the most epic way to quit his current position at Applebee’s. Hillard is hoping to have a friend record it and post the video on...

Read More
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer applies Proactiv to nose, now just Rudolph the reindeer
Dec10

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer applies Proactiv to nose, now just Rudolph the reindeer

NORTH POLE- Turns out a giant zit guided Santa’s sleigh on one foggy Christmas Eve.   Rudolph ‘the Red-Nosed’ reindeer’s signature red nose is no more after Rudolph applied a hefty dose of Proactiv to a zit on his nose that had been bothering him for centuries.   “Everybody was like ‘hey I like your nose’ and ‘hey you saved Christmas that one time with your nose,” said Rudolph.   “But you know how embarrassing it is to have a zit that size on your nose? Sure I had a lot of red nose chasers in my day, because I saved Christmas. But every time I went to lean in and kiss them, they were repulsed.”   Rudolph ordered Proactiv two weeks ago after seeing a late nightspot during his favorite television movie Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.   “I saw the commercial and was skeptical, but I figured if Kaley Couco from the Big Bang Theory uses it, I should give it a whirl,” said Rudolph.   “The stuff really works. The one time doctors on a commercial weren’t lying, miracles really do happen.”   But the nose change hasn’t been completely positive for Rudolph. Rudolph is currently seeing a therapist, as his zit was more of an integral part of his identity than he once thought.   “On one hand the giant ugly zit is off my nose,” said Rudolph.   “But now I go out in public and no one knows who I am. I just look like everybody else. I feel like I’m just another hoof in the reindeer herd. I feel invisible.”   Rudolph sometimes wears a clown nose around the house to remind him of what he once was. All the other reindeer are laughing and calling him...

Read More