Willy Wonka tells Asheville to get over itself when it comes to Chocolate City USA talk
Dec03

Willy Wonka tells Asheville to get over itself when it comes to Chocolate City USA talk

ASHEVILLE-   “Come with me And you’ll be In a world of Pure imagination Take a look And you’ll see Into your imagination”   Those attuned to the Asheville chocolate scene imagine Asheville is quickly becoming Chocolate City USA.   However, Willy Wonka in an interview Saturday says Asheville can keep dreaming when it comes to claiming the title of Chocolate City USA.   “Asheville has to win every city tile there is, don’t they?” said Wonka, CEO of Wonka Bars.   “I have to say I admire Asheville’s imagination. But come on when it comes to chocolate nobody beats the work of my Oompa Loompas. I guess a solar powered chocolate factory is cool, but do y’all have a chocolate river?”   Asheville chocolate enthusiasts will have a chance to show off why they think Asheville is Chocolate City USA this Saturday, Dec. 8 with the Chocolate and Arts Festival. The festival which runs from noon-7:00 p.m. will feature 15 local chocolate and dessert-making businesses.   The Chocolate City USA talk started in August with Citizen Times’ food writer Mackensy Lunsford declaring Asheville Chocolate City USA. The talk heated up this past weekend after Heather Cohen, director of the Chocolate and Arts Festival, claimed Asheville had more chocolate per square inch than any place in the country.   “Let’s just say Cohen hasn’t been to the Wonka factory,” said Wonka.   “We have geese that lay golden eggs of chocolate for crying out loud. I bet your geese do nothing but shit, don’t they? Quit being a silly goose. Wonka is Chocolate City USA.”   The Citizen Thymes has come up with a way to settle this chocolate dispute once and for all. Go to our Facebook page and vote for which city you think deserves the title of Chocolate City USA. The Citizen Thymes believes just like the Beer City USA poll, people who generally know nothing about chocolate should decide, who would ultimately become Chocolate City...

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Con Artist gives up dream of becoming President after lying idol Romney loses
Nov07

Con Artist gives up dream of becoming President after lying idol Romney loses

ASHEVILLE- When your hero falls short of his or her goal, it’s hard to see how you may achieve a similar goal.   Professional con artist Austin Lang (at least that’s what we think his name is) gave up his dream of becoming President of the United States after his idol Mitt Romney was defeated by President Barack Obama last night.   “My mom always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I put my mind to it,” said Lang.   “I’ve done a pretty good job so far of living up to my mother’s expectations. But I have to say after watching one of the best liars I have ever seen lose the election, I just don’t think it’s realistic for me to ever become President of the United States.”   Lang, who has stolen the identities of hundreds of North Carolina citizens, convinced several senior citizens that he is their long lost nephew, and has capitalized on a number of pyramid schemes says although he was experienced in the art of lying, he had nothing on the king of lying Mitt Romney.   “Oh my God I have seen nothing like Romney before, that guy should write a text book on lying,” said Lang.   “The auto bail out shift, the I created jobs while I was at Bain, the I care about Latinos because I’m practically from Mexico, all were just so good they will probably be theories for us con artists. It’s just too bad we all have to wake up every day and live with the fact, although we may swindle millions from struggling companies and the IRS, it’s just sickening to know the American people will never let us become President of the United States. Talk about class warfare.”   With the presidency out of the question, Lang has started to think about an alternative future.   “Well once I get Mildred to add me to her will, I plan on getting out of North Carolina,” said Lang.   “I find if you stay in the same place for too long, the FBI eventually finds you. Once I leave North Carolina I hope to go on a few Mormon missionaries to get a since of where the guru got his swag. After that since I still have a dream of making a difference in this country, I would like to serve as an apprentice to another great liar Karl Rove. Who knows someday I could become chairman of the GOP with all my lying experience.”   If anybody knows a Mildred please keep a watchful eye on her the...

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Newland NC squirrels press charges against Biltmore Estate for cutting down home for Christmas tree display
Nov05

Newland NC squirrels press charges against Biltmore Estate for cutting down home for Christmas tree display

ASHEVILLE- First Bank of America, now the Biltmore Estate.   When will everyday Americans ever feel safe in their homes again?   The Nutter family squirrels filed a complaint with the Newland, N.C. police department late Friday night accusing the Bilmore Estate of stealing their 1,000 branch home.   The Biltmore Estate currently has the alleged Nutter family home, a 34-foot Fraiser Fir, displayed in the Banquet Hall as part of the Biltmore Christmas celebration.   “They gave us no notice what so ever,” said Butter Nutter, head of the Nutter family household.   “We spent all day in the forest collecting fall’s harvest of acorns and pine cones and we come home to an empty lot. I just don’t understand it. All our mortgage payments were on time to Mother Nature. I can’t believe someone could do this to us especially around the holidays.”   The Newland Police Department is seeking the assistance of the Asheville Police Department to help investigate the case.   The Biltmore Estate refused to comment about specifics when asked for comment Sunday.   “We have been advised by our counsel since the case is currently under investigation that we cannot comment about the case,” said LeeAnn Donnely spokesperson for the Biltmore Estate.   The Nutter family meanwhile doesn’t plan to rest until justice is served.   “The Biltmore Estate does not understand, they didn’t just put the Nutter family out of a home but also several other creatures,” said Butter.   “My neighbor Jay who lives four branches up flies south every winter. But boy when he comes back this spring to no home that guy is going to flip a bird. Biltmore Estate destroyed an ecosystem for some holiday token for tourists. They should be ashamed of themselves.”   The Newland Fire Department is currently collecting donations for the Nutter family and those impacted by the tree-napping. If you are interested in helping the Nutter family, you can text the word NUTCROSS to 828-209-8874 and $10 will be donated on your behalf....

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Biltmore Estate worker doesn’t care what state you are from, for the love of God quit touching shit
Nov05

Biltmore Estate worker doesn’t care what state you are from, for the love of God quit touching shit

ASHEVILLE- Read the sign.   Or don’t.   But read the sign if you want to win over your local Biltmore Estate worker.   Biltmore Estate tour guide Jay Ester is sick and tired of telling Biltmore Estate visitors to quit touching things inside the house.   “We are right up front up with about no touching things, there are even signs,” said Ester.   “But no, nobody can follow directions anymore. I had some lady the other day that was like, ‘but we drove all the way from California’ and I’m so old. And I was like, ‘I don’t give a shit where you are from, for the love of God quit touching shit, unless you brought some of that Cali weed.’ Ok so I didn’t say that last part.”   Ester says he spend the majority of his days telling people not to touch things, in between answering dumb questions.   “I get asked the question all the time at the end of the tour when was the house built?” said Ester.   “Really? For Vanderbilt’s sake please listen. Like I would fail to mention what year the house was built in the last hour we have spent together. Those are the same people who touch shit.”   Ester explains people feel the need to touch things because of the high price of admission.   “There always like we paid so much, why can’t we touch history,” said Ester.   “And I’m always like the same reason ‘why I can’t treat you to Ruth Chris’s prime rib and expect to get laid.’ Here at the Biltmore Estate we want to let you look at what you can’t have, not touch what you can’t have. Because if you touch it, you might start to realize that shit you’re touching is just that, shit. That’s the American dream to work a dead end job that you hate for shit you ultimately don’t want.”   Ester is considering leaving his current position at the Biltmore. But just like last month realizes he has to pay rent on...

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Asheville adult to vote for Romney after bad trick or treating haul last night
Nov01

Asheville adult to vote for Romney after bad trick or treating haul last night

ASHEVILLE- Both presidential campaigns has challenged every American to answer the question are you better off today than you were four years ago?   For Rodney Taylor the answer to that question is no.   After dressing up in his storm trooper costume for the 36th Halloween in a row, Taylor pulled in the worst trick or treating load of candy ever last night.  Taylor as a result will be casting his ballot for Mitt Romney this coming Tuesday, because he claims to not be better off than he was four years ago.   “Trick or treating was a disaster last night, nobody wanted to give me candy,” said Taylor.   “The economy must be in shambles if nobody is willing to give me candy. I’ve had the same routine for 36 years. Look at my bag it is nearly empty. Obama may of killed Bin Laden, but he also killed my sweet tooth. I hope Romney can really turn this candy shortage around.”   Taylor managed to receive candy from four Asheville residents last night. However, the four pieces of candy was a small bright spot in a night full of ridicule and tough questions.   “My neighbors were all like ‘really Rodney? Again? Aren’t you too old for trick or treating?” said Taylor.   “There is nothing wrong with a 42-year-old man reliving his childhood. The current economic crisis has turned my neighbors into a bunch of stiffs. To top it off the economy must be in a real crisis, because the four pieces of candy I got were generic brand. No Butterfingers? Bart Simpson somewhere right now is cursing the world.”   Taylor has pledged to vote for Romney Tuesday. But Taylor says Obama still could get his vote if Obama managed to turn his depressing week around.   ‘This week started off terrible after learning George Lucas sold the Star Wars franchise to Disney,” said Taylor.   “Can you imagine goofy in my storm trooper costume? The thought makes me shiver. If Obama can prevent the sale of Star Wars, I’ll vote for him Tuesday.”   Mitt Romney is expected to speak in Charlotte today where he will be hosting a Candy Shortage relief rally. The Romney campaign has bought 5,000 pounds of candy to hand out to supporters so the supporters can donate the candy back to the campaign to save Rodney’s sweet tooth....

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Uptight zombie finds zombie Halloween costumes racially insensitive, not politically correct, and poor taste
Oct31

Uptight zombie finds zombie Halloween costumes racially insensitive, not politically correct, and poor taste

ASHEVILLE- One could say there is a zombie fad going around with all the recent references in literature, television, and movies.   Asheville even had it’s own Zombie Pub Crawl a couple weeks ago.   In fact zombies have become such a fad that you can expect a number of trick-or-treaters at your doorstep this evening in zombie garb.   However, Randy Jarvis an Asheville resident and self-identified Zombie American finds zombie costumes repulsive.   “What has this world come to?” said Jarvis.   “I thought we as Americans strive to understand other cultures, not patronize them. You don’t see us zombies go around dressing up as humans dancing around and putting on a parade, it’s disgusting.”   Jarvis argues dressing up, as a zombie is demeaning to zombies and frankly racially insensitive. Jarvis goes on to say other races wouldn’t be caught dead dressing up as other cultures.   “You don’t see African American parents dressing their kids up as Caucasians and vice-versa,” said Jarvis.   “Hell I thought we were done with this after the NAACP worked so hard to educate people how insensitive blackface was not only as a costume, but also as a theater performance. I pray that my children’s children will see the day when racial intolerance has been wiped from the world. But I guess I also said that when I was alive.”   Jarvis plans on holding a rally at Riverside Cemetery at 6:00 p.m. today to speak out against zombie costumes and for zombie equality. Attendees are encouraged to bring their own signs. Blood cocktails and human finger food will be served to all attendees.   Lady Gaga perhaps one of the most prominent zombie figures today will make a special appearance and will perform her famous single ‘You were dead this way, baby.’   Gaga will be wearing a dress made of human remains as a political statement. The human remains will be Caucasian of course to ensure political correctness....

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