Lazy witch puts potion in crock-pot before flying off to work
Oct31

Lazy witch puts potion in crock-pot before flying off to work

ASHEVILLE- There is just not enough time in a day to slave away over your potions and spells any more.   Ester Filmore a century old witch and resident of Asheville threw her ingredients for her latest potion this morning in a crock-pot instead of a cauldron for the first time.   “A witch’s life is a busy one and to tell you the truth I have no time for a cauldron anymore,” said Filmore.   “The crock-pot was just easy. I threw all my ingredients in and set it on low and when I get back from my job at the Magic 8 ball factory it should be ready to go. Now if I can just figure out a way to get my black cat Lucy to feed herself my life would be set.”   The witch community is embracing crock-pots at a growing rate, but not all witches are happy about the latest trend.   “Oh those witches are just old fuddy duddys,” said Ester.   “They claim cooking out of cauldrons give us witches a sense of history and preserves our way of life. But those witches are the same witches that are still casting spells out of spell books. Warlock Steve Jobs created the IPad for a reason honey. A witch gotta be reading incantations in high definition, it’s the future baby.”   Ester shared one of her crock-pot potion recipe with the Citizen Thymes. Ester plans on publishing a book soon on the art of crock-pot potions.   Cheap Seduction Ingredients 1 handle of Tequila 1 cup of melted Chocolate 1 Marvin Gaye ‘Let’s Get It On’ MP3 diced 2 tbsp of Vicks Vapor Rub 1 Bear Rug shredded   Directions Place all ingredients in crock-pot. Set crock-pot on low and cook for eight hours. Put aside some Vicks Vapor Rub for garnish. Serve hot and...

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Vampire glad his favorite Italian restaurant is now garlic free
Oct30

Vampire glad his favorite Italian restaurant is now garlic free

ASHEVILLE- Food allergies can be frustrating, especially when the allergy is specific to a key ingredient in your favorite food.   But Count Edward Buble a vampire and resident of Bat Cave, NC can now rest easy that his favorite Italian restaurant is now garlic free.   Asheville restaurant Vinnie’s Italian rolled out a garlic free menu this week for their number one vampire fan, Count Buble.   “I can’t tell you how excited I am now to eat at my favorite restaurant without having to worry about my allergy,” said Count Buble.   “Before I didn’t have a lot of options available to me that I could eat at Vinnie’s without getting sick. Don’t get me wrong I still ate at Vinnie’s because man nothing can stop me from eating that twice baked lasagna, but it’s just good to know now I can enjoy it without feeling like there is a big stake being driven in my heart.”   Count Buble is excited to not only be able to enjoy twice baked lasagna without pain for the first time, but also be able to court potential suitors at Vinnie’s. Before Count Buble was too embarrassed to reveal his condition in front of others.   “I would take a Rolaid with every bite of lasagna to battle the heart burn,” said Count Buble.   “My doctor said that is not very healthy and I said come on doc, what’s it going to do? Kill me? Look at me? But to say the least I couldn’t take that many pills on a date without the girl asking questions. Vinnie’s is perfect for the romance or what I like to call the marinating period, if you know what I’m saying.”   Count Buble enjoyed twice baked lasagna last night at Vinnie’s and finished with Type A Lisa for dessert.   “The dessert was pretty good, she was aged a good 34 years,” said Buble.   “You know what they say blood ages like wine.”   Count Buble hopes other Asheville restaurants follow Vinnie’s lead and offer garlic free options.  Be sure to ask your server the next time at Vinnie’s for your favorite blood sucker Count Buble’s menu, the sucker...

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Asheville waiter spends Moogfest weekend doing what he does every weekend hating everyone
Oct29

Asheville waiter spends Moogfest weekend doing what he does every weekend hating everyone

ASHEVILLE- A combination of live music, costumes, drugs, and alcohol should be enough for even Droopy Dog to turn that frown upside down.   But for one Asheville waiter Moogfest was just another weekend at the Waffle House hating everyone including himself.   Billy Walker a long time employee of the Waffle House on 798 Brevard Road explains this past weekend is just one of many he will try to forget over a bottle of Jim Bean.   “How was my Moogfest experience? How do you think my experience was? I work at Waffle House,” said Walker.   “The only thing different about this weekend is there was a nice crowd of wannabe hipsters that came through the door. But Jesus how hipster can you be eating at the Waffle House? What you spent too much money on those testicle hugger pants to afford a real breakfast?  But don’t you worry about me I will forget everything about this weekend once I get to the bottom of this bottle.”   Walker then took a rather long drink from the handle of Jim Bean and leaned in.   “I had dreams once you know,” said Walker.   “My parents always pushed me you know. Go to college, they said. Find your passion and major in that, they said. Well I tell you what I will let you in on a little secret. Turns out majoring in Philosophy at Warren Wilson College is the exact educational experience you need to decipher drunken tongue at 2:00 a.m.”   Walker graduated from Warren Wilson in 2008 with a Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy. Walker has been a dedicated Waffle House server ever since.   Walker explains the Moogfest crowd was a little bit rowdier than the usual patrons the Waffle House gets Friday and Saturday nights.   “Yeah they were a little bit inebriated, but who really can enter the Waffle House sober,” said Walker.   “I’ve been working at the Waffle House for four years and I can’t remember the last time I was sober taking orders. But hey drinking on the job is practically in my job description. To understand a drunk, you must encompass a drunken lifestyle. I think Aristotle said that.”   Walker plans on spending the rest of the year trying to work his way up the corporate Waffle House ladder.   “I’m taking it one waffle at a time you could say,” said Walker.   The Waffle House was unavailable for comment. But the Bert’s chili consumed while waiting for comment was pretty tasty. Although Bert’s chili falls way short of the epic greatness that is Hormel’s...

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Ghost starting to feel like he is invisible seeks help from therapist
Oct29

Ghost starting to feel like he is invisible seeks help from therapist

ASHEVILLE- You ever wonder if you were to go missing tomorrow would anybody notice?   Thomas Wolfe a 74-year-old poltergeist floats around Downtown Asheville often, but feels like no one really notices him as of late. So to improve his self-esteem Wolfe has acquired the help of acclaimed psychologist Dr. Malcom Crowe.   “I don’t know what it is, but I just don’t feel whole anymore,” said Wolfe.   “Here I am strolling the streets of Asheville and I just let people walk right through me. I’m just like hello can anybody see me right now? Do I not exist anymore? I’m hoping Crowe can improve my outlook on life. I just feel invisible right now.”   Dr. Crowe is a Philadelphia based child psychologist, who began working with ghosts and their self-esteem in 1999.   “I know it is hard to believe, but some ghosts forget that they are invisible to the average person and can only be seen by a few gifted individuals,” said Crowe.   “Unfortunately not every ghost can be fortunate enough to have an Oda Mae Brown in their life to communicate to the world with. But I think there is hope for Mr. Wolfe yet, after all he is just as attractive as Patrick Swayze.”   Wolfe seeks to find a place where he is comfortable with his own invisibility.   “Right now even though people can’t see me, I tend to make people uncomfortable,” said Wolfe.   “I make the room go cold and everyone shivers. The Marble Slab is the only place I can hang out at where people feel comfortable around me. I guess it does feel good that I’m keeping the Marble Slab’s electricity bills down.”   Wolfe is currently scheduled to see Dr. Crowe three times per week. Wolfe before his death was an acclaimed American novelist but finds writing rather pointless as a ghost.   “The only people that can read my new work are fellow ghosts,” said Wolfe.   “We’ve all seen Casper and that kid although cute, isn’t very bright. I need to find a way to cope with my current existence and I’m hoping Dr. Crowe can help me do that.”   Wolfe did try seeking other assistance before contacting Dr. Crowe. Wolfe tried getting assistance from Asheville ghost hunter Josh Warren. However according to Wolfe, Warren insisted on mounting him over his living room mantle, a proposal Wolfe was not too fond...

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Asheville spider embarrassed after mistaking household spider web decoration for own home
Oct29

Asheville spider embarrassed after mistaking household spider web decoration for own home

ASHEVILLE- Ever try to get into your car in the grocery lot parking lot only to realize it’s not your call at all, but just looks very similar?   Halloween presents plenty of opportunities for spiders everywhere to make the same mistake except with their own homes.   Crawlina a 2-year-old Daddy Long Legs spider lives under the railing of a home on Sand Hill Road.   But this weekend she found herself in quite a predicament. Crawlina feasted on a nearby jack-o-lantern late Saturday night and crawled her way back to what she thought was her webbed abode, but instead found herself the next morning in someone elese’s web.   “I knew I had a lot of pumpkin juice, but I guess I had one sip too many,” said Crawlina.   “I woke up and I had no idea where I was. Thankfully there was no dead male Daddy Long Legs around, so I knew that the night didn’t get too crazy.”   Crawlina had passed out in a household Halloween spider web decoration, instead of her own web.   “I find it quite embarrassing that I couldn’t even tell the difference between my own home and a fake web,” said Crawlina.   “But these fake webs keep getting closer and closer to the real thing every year. Maybe next year I’ll just save time and buy one of the fake webs, instead of building my own home. It would save me a lot of hassle.”   In the meantime Crawlina plans on taking it easy on the pumpkin juice.   “The pumpkin juice makes me a little clumbsy,” said Crawlina.   “I tend to trip over my own legs, when I have too much to...

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10-year-old says first curse word after realizing parents drove him 15 hours to see leaves in Asheville
Oct22

10-year-old says first curse word after realizing parents drove him 15 hours to see leaves in Asheville

ASHEVILLE- Every year fall brings a new array of colors.   For 10-year-old Trevor Fleming of 3750 The Midway Dallas, Texas fall added a little color to his vocabulary.   Fleming was riding with his two parents in the family minivan on the Blue Ridge Parkway Saturday afternoon, when all of a sudden he threw his juice box at the windshield and blurted out his first curse word.   “Are you fucking kidding me?” said Fleming.   “We drove 15 hours to look at fucking leaves. We skipped the state fair to look at fucking leaves.”   Susan Fleming appalled by her son’s coarse language pulled the car over and began to berate Trevor for his actions.   “Trevor where did you learn that word?” said Susan.   “I don’t pay 4,000 a semester to Sister Mary’s School for the Boys for you to be some heathen.”    Meanwhile Trevor’s father Tom resisted the temptation to smirk as he secretly held the same thoughts as his son, but didn’t want to anger Susan in case a miracle happened and Susan wanted to relive her high school days in the Holiday Inn hot tub later that evening. Tom planned on taking Susan on the Biltmore Estate Wine tour later that evening to increase his chances.   “Come on mom we have leaves at home that look exactly like this,” said Trevor.   “You know how I know? Because you made me and daddy rake them last Saturday and then you didn’t even let me jump in them because they would supposedly ruin my clothes. We have washing machines for a reason mom.”   Susan irate at her son pleaded at her husband Tom for assistance.   “Do you hear the words that are coming out of your son’s mouth Tom?” said Susan.   Tom, who had been daydreaming about Susan in a cheerleading outfit, attuned to the conversation for the first time.   “Ummm, Uhh what?” said Tom.   “Oh yeah Trevor don’t talk to your mother like that. When we get back home you’re grounded from trumpet lessons for a month.”   Susan threw her hands up in the air.   “Your son doesn’t even play the trumpet Tom,” said Susan.   Trevor, Tom, and Susan drove back to the Holiday Inn in silence. The Fleming’s eventful Saturday took a pleasant turn later that evening as they lost themselves in the aroma of Applebee’s Triple Chocolate Meltdown.   The Fleming’s next family vacation will be in February with a trip to Colorado Springs, Colorado to see snow. Tom hopes to consummate with his wife at least once before the...

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