Asheville Tourists fire manager Mikulik after 13 years, says can’t still be a tourist after 13 years living here
Oct22

Asheville Tourists fire manager Mikulik after 13 years, says can’t still be a tourist after 13 years living here

ASHEVILLE- You can only ride the out of town excuse for so long.   For Asheville Tourists manager Joe Mikulik that excuse expired this past Thursday as he was fired from the ball club.   “We would like to thank Mikulik for his 13 years of dedication,” said Al Rogers, a representative for the Tourists’ parent club the Colorado Rockies.   “Unfortunately we took a hard look at Mikulik and decided you really can’t call yourself a tourist if you have been living in this town for 13 years. Joe never asked for directions, stiffed a server, asked where he could pet a bear, or asked for the nearest Famous Daves because he wanted to enjoy quality Southern barbecue. It is quite clear Joe was no longer tourist material.”   The firing comes as a shock as Mikulik was the most successful manager in Tourists history and had coached the Tourists to a South Atlantic League title this year.   “Sometimes winning isn’t everything,” said Rogers.   “The Tourists’ parent club the Colorado Rockies has a long history of not winning, which we are ok with. We just felt if we let Mikulik continue coaching it would be false advertising, because Joe is clearly not a tourist anymore.”   The Tourists will be holding open tryouts for the new manager position outside the Biltmore House this week. The Tourists are on the lookout for someone that really embodies the Tourists name.   “We will be looking for people that wear fanny packs and carry disposable Polaroid cameras,” said Rogers.   “But the look isn’t the only thing that is important. We will also be judging people’s intellect. So for example if someone were to ask a question like, ‘Was the Biltmore House here before Pocahontas?’ That would be the ideal person we would be looking for.”   The Tourists should have a new manager by the end of the...

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Asheville political advertising gets ugly, but not as ugly as the candidates
Oct15

Asheville political advertising gets ugly, but not as ugly as the candidates

ASHEVILLE- Checking the mailbox this time of year you should expect political paraphernalia.   But some of the political mailers have left residents shaking in their boots.   “I now vomit every time I open the mail box,” said Jason Kirk, an Asheville resident and unregistered voter.   “I know the political system is a mess, but wow I didn’t realize it took a toll on these people faces. It’s almost like they are battling for the part of Beast in Beauty and the Beast.”   A new Citizen Thymes/Guinness Book of World Records poll reveals 90 percent of Western North Carolina residents find the candidates visually repulsive.   “Sometimes I just wish there was anthrax in my mailbox instead,” said Kirk.   “Isn’t this region supposed to be environmentally conscious, anyways? Quit printing pamphlets, save the trees man and save my fricking corneas.”   The same poll revealed 75 percent of respondents if given the choice of consummating with a local candidate or a thorn thicket, would consummate with the thorn thicket.   Unfortunately, North Carolina law prevents a thorn thicket from running for office. All candidates in North Carolina have to be human. North Carolina law is unclear however on the legality of consummating with a thorn thicket.   Local candidates Nathan Ramsey, Susan Wilson, John Snow, Jim Davis, Rep. Tim Moffitt, and Jane Whilden have spent over a combined $600,000 on political ads mostly attacking their opponents, some including downright lies about their opponents.   “While Rep. Moffitt is flattered 25 percent of Western North Carolina would have sex with him, Mr. Moffitt is a married man,” said a campaign spokesman.   “Mr. Moffitt however will do whatever he can if elected again to keep thorn thickets alive and flourishing. Did you know Jane Whilden once sprayed thorn thickets with Ortho Weed-B-Gone? It is shameless what Whilden did to those innocent thorn thickets.”   Moffitt’s new mailer campaign will be sent out Wednesday featuring Moffitt sporting a crown of thorns as a headband. The mailer will feature the following message, “I will die for your...

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Recent Outbreak of Bears Explained, Smokey the Bear sends army of bears to prevent joint fires in Asheville
Oct15

Recent Outbreak of Bears Explained, Smokey the Bear sends army of bears to prevent joint fires in Asheville

ASHEVILLE- The next time you decide to blaze up, you better think twice.   No the Drug Enforcement Agency probably won’t kick your door down, but you may get a visit from a fire prevention black bear.   Western North Carolina has recorded 275 bear nuisance complaints so far this year.   But Smokey the Bear explains you shouldn’t think of his bear fire prevention team as a nuisance, rather friends asking you to party responsibly.   “We just want to make sure everybody handles their joints safely and a way that prevents house fires,” said Smokey the Bear.   “Some people lay the joints down and forget about them and the next thing you know the house is a blaze figuratively and literally. Some people lose their lighter and light the joint with the oven burner and forget to shut off the burner. So our message is clear if you light one up, puff, puff, until it’s gone. Remember, only you can prevent joint fires.”   Smokey the Bear has assigned 100 bear joint officers to the Asheville area. The Joint Safety Initiative is a sign Smokey the Bear is adapting to changes in American lifestyles.   “Although we find forest fire prevention is still important, there is an overwhelming trend of people staying inside and thus less camp fires to worry about,” said Smokey the Bear.   “Now we need to make sure those starting fires in blunt wraps, playing video games in their basement are also practicing fire prevention techniques. To assign bear joint officers to Asheville is a no brainer, y’all smoke a lot of weed.”   But some residents believe the bear joint officers are doing more harm than good.   For example, Rebecca Kossick a Biltmore Lake resident is annoyed that the bears constantly try to dig through her trash.   Smokey the Bear explains digging through the trash is part of the reconnaissance work the bear joint officers do to prevent joint fires.   “Digging through people’s trash gives us a lot of hints as to whether someone is at risk for a joint fire,” said Smokey the Bear.   “If someone has a lot of Cheetos or Hostess wrappers, it is a good sign someone may be at risk. Also receipts from Taco Bell with random purchase times throughout the day is another good sign.”   Smokey the Bear’s Joint Safety Initiative is in its second year of existence. Smokey the Bear is aware of people’s complaints and is working to address them, but the program has steadily improved over time.   In 2011 Western North Carolina filed 430 bear nuisance...

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Liar, Liar Pants on fire: Romney to wear fire retardant pants on US Cellular stage, Asheville Fire Department on standby
Oct11

Liar, Liar Pants on fire: Romney to wear fire retardant pants on US Cellular stage, Asheville Fire Department on standby

ASHEVILLE- Mitt Romney’s pants haven’t caught on fire due to lying yet.   But the Romney campaign isn’t taking any chances.   Romney has been issued a special set of fire retardant trousers for when he takes the stage at 5:30 p.m. today at the US Cellular Center. The Secret Service has placed several fire extinguishers around the stage and the Asheville Fire Department has been put on standby.   The fire prevention strategy was put into place after Romney’s debate performance last week, where according to Think Progress, Romney delivered 27 lies in just 38 minutes.   “Well Mitt complained last week that every time he lied his privates got hot and sweaty,” said Eric Fehrnstrom, senior Romney campaign adviser.   “I think Mitt is legitimately concerned if he lies too much that his pants may in fact just catch on fire. But don’t worry Asheville, Mitt will tell you just want you want to here tonight, whether it is true or nor, because those fire retardant pants should get the job done.”   The Walt Disney Company sent Romney the fire retardant pants as a gift after the debate.  Romney’s fire retardant pants are the same fire retardant pants Tim Allen as Santa Clause wore in the movie Santa Clause 2.   “That’s right we have Santa Clause on our side,” said Fehrnstrom.   “We were a little skeptical of taking a gift from Santa Clause, a man who stood for socialist ideas by spreading wealth to people that don’t deserve it. But Santa Clause is a big supporter of the coal industry, so we said I guess we can take these pants from a job creator. Mitt has never felt so comfortable lying. I would expect a lie per minute in those pants.”   Joining Romney on stage will be local blind country singer Ronnie Milsap.   “Milsap will really set the stage tonight as he will describe what he sees in Romney and why Romney has a better vision for America than Obama,” said Fehrnstrom.   Romney advisers have been hard at work the last couple of days not only to make sure Romney doesn’t burst into flames tonight, but communicates a clear message that wins over the disenchanted liberal vote in Asheville that is dissatisfied with the last four years under President Obama.   Romney will adorn a tie-dye t-shirt along with Birkenstocks on stage tonight.  Romney plans on starting his speech with a 20-minute freestyle session on a bongo and then plans on leading the audience in meditation. Romney will end the speech with what he has in common with Asheville residents. Here...

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Asheville named No. 10 ‘sharp city’ by Reader’s Digest, City Council purchases Edge of Glory knife sharpeners to boost ranking
Oct08

Asheville named No. 10 ‘sharp city’ by Reader’s Digest, City Council purchases Edge of Glory knife sharpeners to boost ranking

ASHEVILLE- Asheville is sharp, but not razor sharp, at least not yet.   Reader’s Digest named Asheville No. 10 in it’s list of the Top 10 “Sharpest Cities” in the nation this past week. Asheville placed behind other cities such as San Francisco, Seattle, and Portland.   But the Asheville City Council believes being crowned the No. 1 sharpest city is within reach. The City Council’s goal of being No. 1, lead the Council to purchase 42,229 Edge of Glory knife sharpener sets over the weekend.   “We did the research and found Asheville citizen’s knives are sharp, but not as sharp as they could be,” said Marc Hunt, City Councilman.   “So we just bought enough knife sharpeners for every citizen. If every Asheville resident has sharp knives, that has to guarantee us the title of Sharp City USA, right?”   The Council’s purchase of knife sharpeners will cost taxpayers $464,096.71, plus shipping and handling. Each knife sharpener set, which costs $10.99 each, comes with two Edge of Glory knife sharpeners and a set of three knives.   “Asheville should be proud of the Council’s decision, because we had to act fast to get such a good deal,” said Hunt.   “We were watching the Edge of Glory commercial and we’re a little timid about buying a single knife sharpener for $10.99. But then the commercial host said, ‘We are not done yet, call now and you get a 3 piece knife set, a $20.00 value, free with your order. But wait there’s more, order now and we will double your order, two Edge of Glory knife sharpeners for the price of one.’ It was too good of a deal to ignore and like the commercial said we had to order now.”   The City Council will start dispersing the 84,458 Edge of Glory knife sharpeners to residents the first week of December as an early Christmas present. Every city resident will receive an Edge of Glory knife sharpener, no matter the individual’s religious affiliation.   The Council hopes the title of Sharp City USA will attract new visitors to Asheville the same way Beer City USA has attracted craft beer lovers from all over the country to Asheville.   “I think knife sharpening could be a real big draw for tourists,” said Hunt.   “We could have knife sharpening tours, where tourists tour local homes and learn about the different ways people use sharp knives in this town. Not everybody uses the knives for food, you know? We also could have knife-sharpening tests. The Edge of Glory commercial used an Edge of Glory to sharpen a credit...

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Abstinence group to shoot documentary about lives of abstinent people at Asheville Comic Expo
Oct08

Abstinence group to shoot documentary about lives of abstinent people at Asheville Comic Expo

ASHEVILLE- When swarms of people, who practice not having sex, gathers in a central location, national abstinence group We’re Abstinent and We Know It (WAWKI) is there to celebrate.   So when individuals attend this Saturday’s Asheville Comic Expo, they will not only be celebrating their favorite comics, but WAWKI’s filmmakers will be asking them what it is like to be abstinent.   WAWKI will be shooting scenes during the Asheville Comic Expo to be part of a documentary that focuses on groups of people that are abstinent and how they live their lives.   “Our culture is so focused on sex and everything we watch on television is just sex,” said Stacey Fox, president of WAWKI.   “We wanted to give people a breathe of fresh air and focus our documentary on individuals, who do not have sex. We’ve been all over the country filming our documentary and we have found people, who do not have sex either go to church frequently, married, or love the shit out of comic books.”   The Asheville Comic Expo will be held at the US Cellular Center from 11:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. There will be comic books vendors, artists, writers, guests, and panels. The convention will also include costuming, science fiction, and tabletop, card, and video gaming.   Andy Molder a 32-year-old Asheville resident plans on attending this weekend’s Asheville Comics Expo and does not appreciate WAWKI’s assumption that attendees of the Expo do not have sex.   “I had sex once and I didn’t even pay her for it,” said Molder.   “The assumption that us nerds don’t have sex is bullshit.  In fact right after this interview I’m going to stick my light saber in my Princess Leia blowup doll’s galaxy. Oh and people say plastic does not count. You would be amazed how far technology has come in mimicking the actual reproductive parts. Plastic is almost better than the real thing too, because nobody is mad after five seconds.”   Molder says although most attendees’ primary goal this Saturday is to share their interest of science, comics, and gaming, most attendees also hope to get some action under the sheets or on top, personal preference of course.   “It’s only natural for that many sex starved people to gather in one area that things will get extra spicy,” said Molder.   “My dad attended the San Diego Comic Con in 1973 and he still talks about the action people were getting that weekend. In fact that is where my dad and mom met. So for some group to be shooting a documentary about abstinence this coming weekend, good...

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