Coworker suspected of buying her own Valentine flowers really has boyfriend
Feb14

Coworker suspected of buying her own Valentine flowers really has boyfriend

ASHEVILLE- The snowpocalypse has everybody in Asheville feeling cold this week.   But employees at a local medical sales supply company feel cold year round because they have deal with their coworker ‘Bitchy’ Vicky 365 days a year.   That is why when ‘Bitchy’ Vicky received Valentine flowers midmorning from the delivery guy her coworkers were left speechless.   “How could anyone love her?” said Monica, a sales associate who spends most her days sharing cat videos on Facebook.   “She always so pushy and overbearing.”   Monica’s overweight cubicle pal Shelia, who religiously listens to Jillian Michaels podcast about weight loss and nervously chews on Girl Scout Thin Mints, had her own theory about ‘Bitchy’ Vicky’s Valentine delivery.   “I bet she bought them for herself,” said Shelia.   “No one and I mean no one could love that cold hearted woman. You remember Monica, when we had to spend a whole day with ‘Bitchy’ Vicky once during that team building seminar our boss made us attend? Ugh what a long day that was.”   Unbeknownst to Shelia and Monica, ‘Bitchy’ Vicky does indeed has a boyfriend, who also happens to be the CEO of the company they work for, which mean ‘Bitchy’ Vicky will soon be their boss.   “How embarrassing, who buys themselves flowers?” said Monica.   “Hey John did you know ‘Bitchy’ Vicky bought herself flowers for Valentine’s Day?”   John pretends that he didn’t hear Monica as he plays Angry Bird on his iPhone and wonders why just because he is the only gay guy at the office that all his female coworkers thinks he wants to hear their bullshit...

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Special snowflake that was told by mom no two snowflakes are alike just dies on windshield like thousands of peers
Feb12

Special snowflake that was told by mom no two snowflakes are alike just dies on windshield like thousands of peers

ASHEVILLE- Snowflake parents are usually not known for having the warmest hearts.   However, Flake Junior’s mother was an exception, who used to tell her son while growing up and falling through earth’s atmosphere that no two snowflakes are alike and that Flake Junior was indeed very special.   Flake Junior must of let his mother’s words get to his head as the not so invincible snowflake floated into I-40 traffic early Wednesday morning colliding with a Subaru windshield.   Flake Junior was pronounced dead at the scene. Paramedics attempted to resuscitate Flake Junior, but could not identify Flake Junior ‘s body parts from the thousands of other snowflake body parts that laid in the carnage left by the Subaru.   “There is a reason why Humpty Dumpty is a fairy tell,” said Asheville EMT Rick Rogers.   “Besides we didn’t exactly have a magnify glass in the back of the meat wagon.”   The snowflake family group Snow Flake Focus on the Family released a statement shortly after the incident, calling Flake Junior’ s death one more tragic example of how coddling and putting snowflake children on a pedestal can lead to their ultimate demise.   The Snow Crime Scene Investigation Unit questioned the woman driving the Subaru about the incident.   “He just floated out into the road,” said the woman.   “There was nothing that I could do. Well I think it was him, they all looked the same and I think I hit quite a few of them. What was so special about this snowflake again?”   Flake Junior lived to be 45 minutes old and is survived by his sister Flakelita, who resides inside a snowman in a West Asheville resident’s yard.   The SCSCIU however is still trying to find someone that can confirm the remains that they have is indeed Snowflake...

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Asheville woman awarded key to City after exposing Biscuit Head’s diabolical plan to kill customer base
Jan08

Asheville woman awarded key to City after exposing Biscuit Head’s diabolical plan to kill customer base

ASHEVILLE- You would think Chef Jason Roy’s maniacal laughter heard from the kitchen would be enough to let on something was up at Biscuit Head, West Asheville’s biscuit centric eatery.   But it wasn’t until a brave Asheville woman [name redacted for the personal safety of the whistle blower] took to a West Asheville Facebook forum last week to type the following status with her left pinky finger on the shift key the whole time:   ATTENTION HEALTH CONSCIOUS FOLKS: BISCUIT HEAD USES A SOYBEAN OIL MARGARINE-BUTTER BLEND IN THEIR BISCUITS AND THEY ARE TELLING PEOPLE THEY USE BUTTER. PLEASE PASS ON THE WORD. THANK YOU!!!!   The status exposed Chef Jason Roy’s diabolical plan to slowly poison his customer base and blew the lid off of Asheville’s biggest scandal since George Vanderbilt unknowingly consumed a rib eye steak off a standard enamel plate.   Asheville will celebrate the woman, who is being deemed ‘Asheville’s Lady Snowden,’ brave actions by awarding her a key to the City tomorrow.   “We thought it was so brave of her to out an Asheville local business’s dirty laundry on the Internet with no evidence or reference to where she received her information from,” said Esther Manheimer, Asheville mayor.   “Most people would think twice to make sure the statement they were making was correct, but boy she hit enter on that status so confidently and in capital letters to boot. Giving her a key to the city is the least that we could do for her heroic efforts.”   Lady Snowden a health conscious Asheville resident felt the need to expose Biscuit Head after realizing she was being robbed of the nutritional value she usually gets out of a standard biscuit.   “Most people don’t know that biscuits can be a daily staple of a healthy American diet,” said Lady Snowden.   “I’m a runner so I use biscuits as a form of carbohydrate loading. One biscuit slathered with jelly before and after my daily run. But Biscuit Head’s Soybean Oil Margarine-Butter Blend biscuits just really slowed down my morning run. I felt like my blood cells where just choking on soy. ”   But really what motivated Lady Snowden to out Biscuit Head was the restaurant’s propaganda of being ‘the option’ in town for health fanatics.   “Biscuit Head tries to pull the wool over your eyes by offering healthy menu options like the Pulled Pork Biscuit (biscuit with pulled pork, jalapeño pimento, bacon, egg, and maple syrup) and then they turn around and use Soybean Oil in their biscuits,” said Lady Snowden.   “It’s absolutely criminal and people need to...

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Lack of Cold Mountain forces distraught Asheville man to try one of thousand other winter seasonal brews
Dec10

Lack of Cold Mountain forces distraught Asheville man to try one of thousand other winter seasonal brews

ASHEVILLE- Staring at an empty spot in the Ingles beer cooler where Highland Brewing Company’s highly touted seasonal Cold Mountain Winter Ale is supposed to be located, West Asheville resident Tony Mojito shook his head in disbelief.   “It’s a cold, cold day, brother,” said Mojito.   Mojito has been visiting his local Ingles every day for the past three weeks expecting Cold Mountain to be in stock and every day he walks home empty handed.   Albert Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.   But Mojito defended his daily routine of searching for a case of Cold Mountain by slinging an ad hominem fallacy at Einstein.   “Insane hey? Ole Einstein never had the sweet nectar of vanilla and hazelnut brew touch his lips, did he?” said Mojito.   “Insanity is relative, brother. Some people would call me insane for throwing down $19 for a 12 pack of beer, but Cold Mountain is worth every penny.”   Insane or not, there is one big problem. Mojito can’t seem to find a store, carrying Cold Mountain anywhere.   “Finding Cold Mountain is a tough mountain to climb,” said Mojito.   “The anxiety of finding the brew almost doesn’t make it worth it.”   The anxiety reached its peak for Mojito last night, after staring at an empty slot for Cold Mountain at Ingles one last time. Aghast by the situation, Mojito dropped a carton of eggs that he was carrying in his right hand, as he knees buckled and fell to the cold tile resting his distraught face upon the cooler’s glass window.   “Why Shiva, Asheville beer God, why?” Mojito thought to himself.   But just when Mojito looked to have skunky beer face stuck as a permanent facial feature, a light shined out of the cooler illuminating dozens of other bottles that dawned the label winter seasonal ale.   “It was like Shiva turned on that little refrigerator light to show me the way,” said Mojito.   “I never knew there were so many other winter seasonal ales available. Thousands in fact.”   Slightly defeated, Mojito picked up his cracked carton of eggs and a six-pack of RJ Rockers Brewing Company’s The First Snow Ale, and walked out of Ingles with his head held high.   “Cold Mountain or not, beer will be drank tonight and that is all that matters,” said...

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Asheville Gingerbread Man protests Grove Park Inn’s parking fee, says fee was not in original HOA agreement
Dec03

Asheville Gingerbread Man protests Grove Park Inn’s parking fee, says fee was not in original HOA agreement

ASHEVILLE- It is bad enough the Gingerbread Man has to deal with the new next door neighbor’s pandas tearing up his perfectly kept green frosting yard.   But to add a $10 mandatory parking fee to park his ginger mobile on his own street is really pushing Gingerbread Man’s buttons.   For the second year in a row, the Omni Grove Park Inn is charging all visitors a parking fee to visit the resort during the annual gingerbread house display.   However, the Gingerbread Man claims the original Gingerbread Homeowner Association agreement he signed when he first built his humble abode mentioned no parking fee.   “Absolutely ridiculous, they try to gumdrop and snow cap a man to death these days,” said Gingerbread Man.   “I built my home with my own sweat, blood, and flesh and you are telling me I can’t park my own car on my own street without paying a parking fee. Licorice Sticks! I purchased candy cane rims for my car this year and I can’t even drive it around the block to show it off because it will cost me $10.”   The Omni Grove Park Inn claims the original HOA was voided after the resort was purchased this past summer by Omni, not to mention documents signed with frosting are not legally protected in the state of North Carolina.   Grove Park claims the parking fee is necessary to hire the increased staff that it takes to handle the sudden increase in visitors to the resort to see the gingerbread display. Also, Grove Park says the fee supports a good cause as half the $10 parking fee is donated to local charities.   But Gingerbread Man is not buying Omni’s sweet talk for a second.   “It’s for charity sure man, that’s what they tell you,” said Gingerbread Man.   “But I know what’s really going on. They are just trying to price us locals out that have lived here for years.  $10 may not be a lot for Omni’s fat cat customers, but you know how hard it is for a Gingerbread Man to make real money in this town? No one will hire me because everybody is a gluten free freak. Excuse me that my skin bothers you, I was born this way...

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Nestor Teran of Smash Box & yucca fries goodness, next guest on Finding Asheville, listen to a teaser now
Nov15

Nestor Teran of Smash Box & yucca fries goodness, next guest on Finding Asheville, listen to a teaser now

The 10th guest on Finding Asheville will be Nestor Teran of Smash Box Mobile Kitchen.   Listen to a teaser below:   Nathan sits down with Nestor Teran of Smash Box Mobile Food Truck. They discuss growing up in Miami, what it means to have parents that escaped Nicaragua during the Sandinista Revolution, how he escaped a career he did not enjoy for something he loves, what it is like to operate a food truck and catering business in Asheville, and his musical talents as Soul Saturn Six.   Full episode will be available for download via iTunes November 18th here.   Remember the easiest way to listen to Finding Asheville each week is by clicking the subscribe button via iTunes here.  ...

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