Asheville man surprised to find Mormon at door not preaching about Joseph Smith, but instead some new made up prophet named Romney
Oct01

Asheville man surprised to find Mormon at door not preaching about Joseph Smith, but instead some new made up prophet named Romney

ASHEVILLE- Usually when Mormons come a knocking on James Henderson of Asheville’s door, he turns off the lights and pretends not to be home.   However, a Mormon caught Henderson this past Wednesday off guard, when Henderson opened his Biltmore Park home’s front door expecting the pizza man.   “I opened the door expecting my nose to be filled with the smell of pizza goodness and instead I find myself staring at a wide eyed grinning Mormon,” said Henderson.   “The look on the guy’s face was like ‘Haha I finally duped one.’ So I told him, ‘let’s get this over with.”   But Henderson was in for far more than a lecture about the Church of Latter-Day Saints. Henderson was surprised to learn the Mormon at his front door was none other than Tagg Romney, son of Republican nominee for president, Mitt Romney.   “He started rambling about some guy named Mitt Romney, who in the past had brought his people economic prosperity by firing other people,” said Henderson.   “But he said now this Romney guy promised to bring economic prosperity by creating jobs. He said I know it sounds weird, but you have to have faith. These Mormons will believe anything.”   Tagg Romney spent this past Wednesday stumping for his father in Biltmore Park. Henderson was just one of many residents that received a visit from Tagg, but Tagg’s visit with Mr. Henderson may be one Tagg will never forget.   “I asked this guy if his father planned on delivering me a pizza, because I was starving,” said Henderson.   “He chuckled and said unfortunately his father did not plan on delivering me a pizza, but he did know some guy name Hermain Cain that could sell me some stock in some pizza companies. So I finally just asked what can your father do for me?”   Henderson explained Romney began to ask him a series of questions and if he responded no to all of them that his father could help him. Here are the series of questions Romney asked Henderson: Are you a woman?   Do you currently receive food stamps?   Are you poor?   Are you currently enrolled in college?   Are you over the age of 65?   Do you make under $250,000 a year?   Are you a recipient of Medicaid/Medicare?   Are you a teacher?   Are you a member of a union?   Are you a scientist?   Henderson proceeded to answer no to every single one of Romney’s questions.   “After he was done asking me questions, he said congratulations you belong to the 53...

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UNCA Basketball brings Charlotte Bobcats to Kimmel Arena as lesson what not to do this season
Oct01

UNCA Basketball brings Charlotte Bobcats to Kimmel Arena as lesson what not to do this season

ASHEVILLE- The UNCA basketball team watches hours of film each season to learn from their own mistakes and mistakes made by others.   The Bulldogs will get a front row seat to mistake ridden basketball, when they observe the Charlotte Bobcats open practice in Kimmel Arena on October 4th.   “I’m so grateful the Bobcats are willing to put on a clinic on what not to do on a basketball court for us,” said Eddie Biedenbach, head coach of the Bulldogs.   “I think after watching the train wreck that will take place on the court, it will give us a lot of confidence in the personnel we have this year. I will just have to remind our guys that they will face much tougher opponents once Big South conference play starts. But you can learn a lot from a team that makes a lot of mistakes.”   This year the Bulldogs look to defend their back-to-back Big South Conference titles and capitalize on a gritty 72-65 defeat to No. 1 seed Syracuse in the NCAA tournament that landed the program national recognition.   Meanwhile, the Bobcats are just hoping to get the win total to double digits this year. The Bobcats finished last in the league last year with a record of 7-59.   However, Bobcats fans did receive good news in the off-season, with rumors the franchise will attempt to recover it’s old branding the Hornets, after the NBA sells the New Orleans Hornets franchise.   But some fans would just rather see the Bobcats win more games.   “You can name a steaming pile of shit gold, at the end of the day it is still a steaming pile of shit,” said Mitch Felix, an avid Bobcats fan.   The open practice will run from 6-7 p.m., immediately following Fan Fest, which will be held from 5-5:45 pm on the plaza outside the main entrance to the Sherrill Center.  Activities include face painting, interactive games, live music, Bobcats merchandise for sale, ticket plan information, appearances by the Lady Cats Dance Team, and Rufus, the Charlotte Bobcats mascot.   “I’m very familiar with the Lady Cats Dance Team,” said Felix.   “The Lady Cats are the only good thing to look at during Bobcat games. Hell I think I know more names of the dancers on the dance team, than I do names of the players on the basketball team. I’m just glad we didn’t offer UNCA a scrimmage. Hate to be embarrassed by a college team like that.”   Both Fan Fest and the open practice are free to the...

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Rep. Tim Moffit consults former Rep. Anthony Weiner over dick tweet
Sep24

Rep. Tim Moffit consults former Rep. Anthony Weiner over dick tweet

ASHEVILLE- Rep. Tim Moffitt didn’t exactly tweet a picture of his dick this past Wednesday evening from his twitter account.   But many are calling the scandalous tweet a dick move.   Late Wednesday evening Moffitt’s Twitter account sent out the following tweet, “They should lock up all the gays on their own island. Except for the lesbians. Y’all can have them!”     The tweet was deleted several minutes later and Moffitt apologized via Twitter claiming his account was hacked. Moffit in an email to the Mountain Xpress revealed he had reported the hack to the authorities and was focused on more important issues.   But former House of Representative of New York Anthony Weiner revealed to the Citizen Thymes late Sunday that the tweeter scandal has the Moffitt campaign sweating more than a pair of testicles waiting for a vasectomy.   “What a classic congressional misstep,” said Anthony Weiner.   “As page 32 of What to do when I’m caught with my political pants down? manual eloquently states ‘deny, deny, deny, and deny some more.’ This of course will work for some time until the media finds out from open records that the Moffitt campaign never reported the hack to authorities.”   Weiner explains the Moffitt campaign contacted him this past week on how they should handle the incident. Weiner was a victim of a Twitter scandal in 2011 after he tweeted a picture of his penis to an adult woman following him on Twitter. The scandal forced Weiner’s resignation from Congress nearly a month later.   “Normally I’m not one to help Republicans, but I feel bad for the guy and let’s be honest a state representative, whose main agenda is to decide who should be in charge of an airport that no one flies from, isn’t going anywhere fast,” said Weiner.   “I just told them to stay low and not worry about it too much, because his base is full of fellas, who don’t like the gays if you know what I’m saying. Besides locking up all the gays on an island doesn’t have to be interpreted as hate speech.”   Weiner sent the Moffitt campaign a list of how the statement ‘lock up gays on an island’ could be taken as a positive. Here is a small sample of the list:   I wanted to lock up all the gays on an island because I wanted to throw a FABULOUS beach party.   I wanted to lock up all the gays on an island so I could find an audience that appreciates my banana hammock.   I wanted to lock up all the...

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McKibbon Hotel Group to Basilica ‘Hotel was God’s plan all along’
Sep17

McKibbon Hotel Group to Basilica ‘Hotel was God’s plan all along’

ASHEVILLE- God always has a plan.   McKibbon Hotel Group believes God revealed his illustrious intervention this past Tuesday, when the Asheville City Council approved the $2.5 million sale of property on Haywood Street across from the Basilica of St. Lawerence to McKibbon.   “Sometimes God works in mysterious ways my friend,” said Wes Townson, vice president of McKibbon.   “We have been praying every day here at McKibbon. Just hoping God would provide us enough strength to fight for this property. I think the big man in the sky came through this past week. Praise Jesus.”   The abandoned Haywood Street property has been a source of controversy for months as the city contemplated whether to award the lot to McKibbon or to the Basilica of St. Lawrence, who offered to build a public plaza in the space.   “I think God just knows the hotel will help people more than a public plaza would,” said Townson.   “The Bible is all about helping other people and we are providing folks shelter from the elements. When people finish a long day of walking with Jesus, they can prop there feet up on our suites’ coffee tables. Plus we will have a King James version of the Bible in every nightstand in our 145-room hotel. You could say we are doing God’s work.”   Townson does admit he is a bit confused why God rewarded the property to McKibbon and not the Basilica, a house where one worships God.   “That just shows you have to have faith and be persistent,” said Townson   “We must have prayed a little bit harder. Here people at the Basilica have been praying for over a hundred years, but we said not so fast my friend. Just like one of God’s favorites Tim Tebow, we made a fourth quarter comeback and prayed our way to victory. We have been Tebowing in the office all week.”   Townson confirmed that McKibbon would go through with plans to build a replica New York New York Hotel and Casino on the property, which was revealed in June by the Citizen Thymes here.   Townson also confirmed McKibbon would comply with the city coucil’s requirements for the sale of the property, which includes a second appraisal of the land’s value, mitigating shadows on the Basilica, seismic monitoring to protect historic structures nearby, a traffic-management study, and following the Downtown Master Plan’s.   “I personally think the seismic study is smart considering our hotel will include a roller coaster,” said Townson.   “But I think everything will go smoothly, because we have God on our side obviously....

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Brewgrass Festival: Man in long line for beer, fears losing place to go urinate, chooses to just piss his pants instead
Sep17

Brewgrass Festival: Man in long line for beer, fears losing place to go urinate, chooses to just piss his pants instead

ASHEVILLE- Life is about making tough choices.   When one local man was faced with the choice of losing his place in line for beer in order to go stand in the restroom line with the eventual hope to urinate at this past weekend’s Brewgrass Festival or continue to wait for beer, the man chose beer.   Chad Spencer a 27-year-old West Asheville resident’s decision to stay in the beer line left him with a satisfying cold brew from Wicked Weed Brewery, but also a pair of piss yellow stained cargo shorts.   “I had been waiting in line for beer all day and here I was in the middle of a long line to try Wicked Weed and I said screw it, I can just hold it,” said Spencer.   “There was a lot of pressure in my bladder. I tried everything. I danced in place, pretending to enjoy the music on stage, but the pain was just too much. So I said to myself ‘if I just release a little bit, that will relieve the pressure.’ Next thing I know I have a steady stream of urine pouring down my leg.”   Spencer says he tried to pretend the best that he could that he was not pissing his own pants, but couldn’t help but notice the warm urine running down his Birkenstocks.   Spencer, who was on his 12th beer of the day, explains he broke the proverbial seal way too early in the day.   “You’re not suppose to urinate until the last possible moment when you are drinking, because when you do, you will have to go a bunch afterwards,” said Spencer.   “But I read some study that men, who hold it often, have a higher risk of urethra cancer. So I went the restroom really early in the day, because I don’t want to risk urethra cancer. I may have pissed my pants in public, but my urethra is clean as a whistle.”   After Spencer finally received his beer from Wicked Weed, he consumed half of it before returning to his friends and then pretended to spill his beer on accident all down his front to cover up the piss stain.   “I don’t think my friends even noticed and besides everybody smelled weird at the festival,” said Spencer.   “Although if I had to do it again, I would probably choose to leave the line to go to the restroom. Peeing in public is nothing like peeing in a public pool. Peeing in a pool, you get this rush of doing something naughty, while everyone is watching, but nobody has...

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Lexington Avenue Arts And Fun Festival embraces true artistic spirit by going broke
Sep10

Lexington Avenue Arts And Fun Festival embraces true artistic spirit by going broke

ASHEVILLE- It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between performance art and reality.   The Lexington Avenue Arts and Fun Festival ‘s (LAAFF) performance piece over Labor Day weekend has left the festival with the harsh reality of being $10,000 to $15,000 in debt.   “This year we really wanted to emphasize the art in our festival’s name,” said Jen Van Gogh, a staffer for LAAFF.   “We wanted to really live and breathe the life of the artist through our festival. I guess that not only meant striving to be misunderstood, but also going broke.”   Festival organizers blame the $10,000 to $15,000 shortfall on logistical problems in ticketing for Saturday’s Pub Crawl, which left the festival well short of the revenue needed to pay all 68 bands that performed at this year’s festival.   “Hey all I can say is we artists major in art for a reason,” said Van Gogh.   “Let’s just say math is not our strong suit. The miscalculation really leaves one with the urge to cut one’s own ear off. If you know what I’m saying.”   LAAFF is now asking for community donations to pay off the debt.  Payment will ensure LAAFF organizer Arts2People’s programming in 2012 will continue as scheduled and LAAFF will survive another year into 2013. You can make a donation to Arts2People here to help save LAAFF.   Van Gogh is hopeful Arts2People will receive enough donations to put on the festival in 2013, which she says will be the best LAAFF yet.   “We have something really special planned for LAAFF 2013,” said Van Gogh.   “Next year we plan on having an artist simulator, where people can experience what it is like to be an artist. The festival visitors will be able to tour a real life artist’s apartment, which is about the size of regular family’s half bathroom. As you walk in you will be serenaded by an authoritative father figure’s voice, who says random things like, ‘What are you doing with your life? You should have gone to law school. How am I suppose to explain you to the neighbors?’ We may even raffle off government assistance at the door.”   Van Gogh is not only a LAAFF staff member, but also a local artist. You can purchase Van Gogh’s work...

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