Asheville child glad to have concealed carry holder as back up in nerf gun war at city parks
Nov13

Asheville child glad to have concealed carry holder as back up in nerf gun war at city parks

ASHEVILLE- Sure city parks seem safe enough with hippies hula hooping, families picnicking, dogs chasing after flying discs, and squirrels scurrying around doing whatever squirrels do.   But to a 10-year-old strapped with a bazooka Nerf gun with a mission to kill as many bad guys as possible, everything becomes a potential danger especially when Fido the family dog could potentially eat your ammunition.   So when 10-year-old Jacob Reemer received news that the Asheville City Council voted last night to comply with new North Carolina state laws allowing concealed carry permit holders to carry in city parks, Reemer fired his Nerf gun bazooka in the air with glee.   “When my friends and I go to Carrier Park to play war there are bad guys everywhere,” said Reemer.   “There is bad guys in the bushes, bad guys in the sky, bad guys on top of the power poles. I feel much safer now, knowing there will be people with real guns serving as back up to make sure we don’t get killed by these imaginary bad guys. One time my friend Kyle got killed by a bad guy and he laid in the grass for like a whole minute.”   Reemer says he and his friends play Nerf gun wars at least twice a week, leaving the potential for an imaginary bad guy to shoot one of his friends at a city park high. Reemer is just glad a concealed carry permit holder will now be there to finish the imaginary bad guy off.   “The bad guys are ruthless,” said Reemer.   “They know we are carrying bazookas. But they show up regardless, because bad guys don’t care about other people carrying guns because they just want to do harm regardless of the consequences. I can’t wait until one of these imaginary bad guys gets popped with a real bullet.”   Although Reemer does admit that sometimes the bad guys don’t show up. The last time that happened Reemer shot his friend Kyle in the eye with the Nerf gun bazooka because Kyle wouldn’t help him dig a fox hole.   “It was not my proudest moment,” said Reemer.   “I’m a trained soldier and I know better than to shoot a bazooka for a silly reason. But my anger got the best of me. War sometimes gets intense. I probably should have left my bazooka at home, because I knew the bad guys were on vacation.”   The imaginary bad guys were unavailable for comment Tuesday evening. It is not clear yet, whether the new concealed carry permit laws will deter them from attacking 10-year-olds...

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Exclusive coverage of Billy Graham’s 95 birthday spankings at that rich people’s hotel
Nov08

Exclusive coverage of Billy Graham’s 95 birthday spankings at that rich people’s hotel

Everybody who usually wouldn’t touch Asheville with a Vance Monument came out in full force yesterday to celebrate Reverend Billy Graham’s 95th birthday at the Grove Park Inn.   Our investigative reporter was there to capture every moment from under Donald Trump’s toupee. Check out Asheville’s best coverage of the event:   BREAKING- Arrival of Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, & Glenn Beck has #Asheville residents in panic over sudden drop in average IQ #avlgraham — Citizen Thymes (@citizenthymes) November 7, 2013   BREAKING- Advisers trying to explain to Sarah Palin why the Blue Ridge Parkway's asphalt is not blue #avlgraham — Citizen Thymes (@citizenthymes) November 7, 2013   BREAKING- Reporter asking #GPI If @BillyGraham cake will have 95 candles #hardhittingnews #avlgraham — Citizen Thymes (@citizenthymes) November 7, 2013   BREAKING- Tonight Asheville celebrates another year of a man that is a prominent player in not allowing gay marriage #avlgraham — Citizen Thymes (@citizenthymes) November 7, 2013   Glad to see my role model for making shit up, Rupert Murdoch is in town #avlgraham — Citizen Thymes (@citizenthymes) November 7, 2013   Billy doesn't have the capacity to blow out 95 candles, thankfully there will be enough hot air in the room to blow em out #avlgraham — Citizen Thymes (@citizenthymes) November 7, 2013   BREAKING- Greta Van Susteren on cupcake delivery, 1st time in career not delivering garbage #avlgraham — Citizen Thymes (@citizenthymes) November 7, 2013   BREAKING- @WLOS_13 tweets photo of bathroom stall @BillyGraham used two hours ago #avlgraham #holyshit — Citizen Thymes (@citizenthymes) November 7, 2013   BREAKING- Sarah Palin pays $5 to see bear exhibit at @Ohenrysavl #avltmz — Citizen Thymes (@citizenthymes) November 8,...

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Citizen Thymes writer actually believes she can work for real satire website
Oct25

Citizen Thymes writer actually believes she can work for real satire website

By Spencer Campbell    ASHEVILLE – A journalist at a local satire website actually believes she can get a job at a real satire website.   “I’m really aiming for The Onion,” said Amanda Morrison, the 23 year old journalist/barista.   “I’ve been writing for the Citizen Thymes for almost three weeks now and I think I’ve outgrown this rag.” Morrison’s college journalism professor, Allen McCreary, had other things to say about her future in the journalism field.   “She’s just too big headed for this field.  She lacks the self-shame that is necessary in this field,” said McCreary.   “I once even heard her refer to an online-only newspaper as a ‘rag.’  I think she may have learned everything she knows about journalism from Seinfeld era sitcoms.”   Morrison still holds out hope, though.   “I went to college for four years so I could learn how to do this.  Well, maybe not four years, maybe two years of community college and a night class at the YMCA, but anyway, I’m going to do it my way and make it big,” said a delusional Morrison.   “I’ve got to make my degree worth something.”   Morrison has started a Facebook fan page for herself, of which there are 7 members. The list consists of four guilty friends who said it would “feel weird” if they didn’t like her page, two robots selling sunglasses, and the hopeful journalist’s mother.   “I’m funny, right? I just need to get an in and really get my name out there, then the world is my oyster.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish writing an article about the Pizza Hut’s new employee “Pete Za Hutt.”  I can really feel this one’s my ticket to the big...

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PETA calls for Asheville Councilman Bothwell’s resignation after insensitive remark regarding bull penises
Oct24

PETA calls for Asheville Councilman Bothwell’s resignation after insensitive remark regarding bull penises

PETA calls for Asheville Councilman Bothwell’s resignation after insensitive remark regarding bull penises   ASHEVILLE- Last Thursday’s City Council candidate forum ended with candidate Johnathan Wainscott getting his feelings hurt after current council member Cecil Bothwell called him a liar in regards to Wainscott’s proposal to bottle and sell Asheville City water.   Wainscott responded by shouting and telling Bothwell that all he has is ‘sanctimonious bullshit.’   Apologies have been exchanged and made public since to various groups including the West Asheville Business Association who hosted the forum, but according to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) one group that matters still has not received the apology it deserves.   PETA is calling for Bothwell’s resignation after he used the term ‘bull dinky’ in the exchange with Wainscott this past Thursday, a term PETA says is insensitive towards bulls since it refers to, according to Urban Dictionary ‘a tiny bull penis.’   “How would Mr. Bothwell like it if we called his manhood small?” said Ingrid E. Newkirk, cofounder of PETA.   “The bull does not get the option to hide its inadequate manhood behind a zipper like so many human males get too. It’s already bad enough the bull has to dangle its inadequacies for the world to see, but to just call attention to it is wrong. Does Mr. Bothwell not care about the plight of bulls in this country? It’s bad enough the bulls already have to deal with people, who take the phrase, ‘take the bull by the horns’ seriously. The number of Texans, who just try to grab the bull by the horns, would surprise you and it is not pleasurable for the bulls.”   Bothwell used the term ‘bull dinky’ after Wainscott rejected Bothwell’s claim New Belgium decided to build a second location in Asheville for the water quality and Wainscott instead insisted the move was a result of incentive payments.   Bothwell then responded, ‘Excuse me. Bull dinky.”   “What Mr. Bothwell fails to realize is bulls have feelings just like you and I,” said Newkirk.   “Why didn’t he just say, ‘Johnathan, excuse me you have a small penis.’ No need to drag bulls into this. What did they do to you other than deliver Michael Jordan six NBA championships?”   Bothwell did not have a chance to respond to PETA’s allegations late Wednesday night, but it appears Bothwell has no plans to step down anytime soon.   PETA was asked why they didn’t also call for the resignation of Wainscott from the city council race after Wainscott used the term ‘sanctimonious bullshit.’   “Come on, even...

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New Belgium threatens to pull Asheville brewery over, if asked if coming one more damn time
Oct23

New Belgium threatens to pull Asheville brewery over, if asked if coming one more damn time

ASHEVILLE- Sure the owners of New Belgium ride fancy red cruiser bikes to work every day.   Sure the owners of New Belgium probably end the workday with a nice pint of liquid gold every day.   But even these environmental Fort Collins, Colo. entrepreneurial beer hipsters have their limits when it comes to patience.   New Belgium Asheville General Manager Jay Richardson blew a fat tire yesterday, after being asked for the one thousandth time if New Belgium was indeed still planning on building a brewery in Asheville.   “For God’s sake, yes,” said Richardson.   “You Asheville people are as bad as a little kid on a road trip. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ If you ask if we are coming one more time, so help me I will pull this brewery over and take away your phone privileges. And then how are you going to tweet brag about being Beer City USA? Huh? Huh? Now do you want that? That’s what I thought.”   Richardson says New Belgium has been asked at least once a day about whether New Belgium still planned on building a second location in Asheville, since announcing they were reducing their expected brewing capacity to just 500,000 barrels of beer and delaying the construction of the Asheville location.   “Building a project like this takes time,” said Richardson.   “The way people are acting around here about delays, you would think a brewery opens up here in Asheville every day. And I think Asheville people are just a tad hypocritical. When was the last time you have been to an Asheville event that began on time? Drink a local beer people and relax.”   Despite not being able to brew a New Belgium beer in Asheville until late 2015, New Belgium super fan and West Asheville resident John Devork still has faith that New Belgium is indeed coming. Devork has been camping outside the New Belgium construction site in the River Arts District since New Belgium announced it was opening a second location in Asheville, in hopes of being the first one to try a New Belgium beer brewed in Asheville.   “Some people stand in lines for phones, I stand in line for beers,” said Devork.   “It’s been a rough summer with all the rain and I think the brownfield toxins are starting to absorb in my skin, but to be the first to try an Asheville brewed Fat Tire will be so worth it. I also read a story once that the yeast in beer can actually pull the toxins out of your bones, so if...

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Smokies campers kicked out in federal shutdown, checking out wildlife at Asheville Walmart instead
Oct02

Smokies campers kicked out in federal shutdown, checking out wildlife at Asheville Walmart instead

ASHEVILLE- The Henderson family vacation at Smokemont Campground inside Smokey National Park near Cherokee was cut short after park rangers closed Smokemont and all surrounding campgrounds yesterday due to the federal government shutdown.   However, a federal government shutdown was not about to stop George Henderson from showing his family a glimpse of wildlife on their annual family vacation to Western North Carolina.   Upon closure, George gathered up his wife Nancy and their two children Sarah and Ernie, and headed to the next biggest wildlife attraction in Western North Carolina he could think of, the Asheville Walmart on Bleachery Boulevard.   “It was Walmart or the WNC Nature Center,” said George.   “The animals at the WNC Nature Center are a little too predictable for my taste. At Walmart you just never know what type of creatures you are going to find.  Nothing like going on an African Safari in the middle of a cereal aisle and it is free to boot.”   The Hendersons saw all kinds of species during their visit to the Asheville Walmart.   “We saw Bill the hippo on his scooter,” said little 4-year-old Sarah.   “And Martha the wildebeest, her mullet main was so thick. She was grazing for Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in the freezer aisle. She looked so gentle, but daddy said not to get too close or Martha might think we are after her ice cream and might charge at us.”   The Hendersons did seem to notice that the zookeepers were not very attentive of their animals.   “George the leopard asked one of the zookepers in a blue shirt whether they had size 10’s in some type of shoe made in India and the zookeeper just pretended like George wasn’t there and continued to stock baby food,” said 13-year-old Ernie.   “Daddy says that was a good example of why we are losing to China in an economic race.”   The Henderson family ended its trip to Walmart with pony rides.   “We couldn’t find ponies,” said Sarah.   “So daddy offered Bill the hippo $10 to take us a ride on his scooter. The scooter didn’t go very fast and seemed to slow down around the chip aisle, but we had a good time anyway.”  ...

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