WNC Nature Center’s Cotsworld Sheep doesn’t understand how Asheville mayor fasting will save home
Apr17

WNC Nature Center’s Cotsworld Sheep doesn’t understand how Asheville mayor fasting will save home

ASHEVILLE- Mayor Terry Bellamy has pledged to fast and pray for 24 days as a solution to solve a $6 million budget gap the city of Asheville faces due to cuts from the state legislature.   Items possibly on the chopping block include the WNC Nature Center, city pools, and Saturday bus service.   But while WNC Nature Center’s Costworld sheep Dolly appreciates that the mayor has become one less predator she has to worry about, overall Dolly thinks the mayor’s plan to fast to save Dolly’s home is a ‘baaahhhd’ idea.   “It sure is easy to fast for 24 days, when you have nothing on the line and are privileged in the first place,” said Dolly.   “But if the mayor cuts my home I may be fasting for a lot longer than 24 days. I mean I do have a few pounds to shed before shearing weather gets here, but I wanted to lose those pounds through jumping through humans’ brains before bed, not starvation.”   Closing the nature center would save the city $450,000.   Dolly has no faith that Bellamy’s fast will provide results that would save her home. So instead Dolly is looking for other jobs just in case the likely scenario of the nature center closing takes place.   “The fast will be good for the mayor, but it won’t help us animals,” said Dolly.   “The mayor will probably lose a few pounds, but I will still be out of a home. I applied with Serta Mattress to be the new spokesperson. I know its kind of cliché but I have mouths to feed and I have to take whatever I can get in this tough economy.”   The City Council will host a community budget meeting Thursday at 6 p.m. at Charles T. Koontz Intermediate School to allow the public to give input on some of the proposed cuts....

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Asheville bids on Ironman, Asheville man says no reason to give a rich Tony Stark more money
Apr03

Asheville bids on Ironman, Asheville man says no reason to give a rich Tony Stark more money

ASHEVILLE- As a proud conservative Asheville resident Mike Taylor believes the wealthy should be rewarded for their success and not penalized by the government through more taxes.   But at the same time Taylor doesn’t think the reward should come from the government in a form of a subsidy.   So when Taylor found out that Asheville and Buncombe County is submitting a bid to bring an Ironman event to Asheville in 2014, Taylor crapped his Marvel boxers.   “Why in the world would the government give Tony Stark, a billionaire, money to host an event here?” said Taylor.   “I think Stark is more than capable of affording his own events. What a waste of taxpayers’ money? How about you get somebody in Asheville to threaten to blow up the planet with a nuclear bomb instead? You could get Ironman to come here for free if that happened.”   Buncombe commissioners approved $40,000 yesterday to contribute to an effort to bring an Ironman event to Asheville. This is on top of the $75,000 the Buncombe County Tourism and Development Authority awarded to Ben VanCamp, executive director of the Asheville Buncombe Regional Sports Commission to try to attract an Ironman event.   The $115,000 bid is beyond mind boggling for Taylor.   “The war hawk in me wants to be proud Asheville wants to bring in a weapons dealer like Stark to Asheville, but it just seems like a giant waste of money,” said Taylor.   “Also if you are going to bring in an Avenger, why not bring in one that would make Ronald Reagan proud? Bring in Captain America instead.”   The $115,000 would be chump change for Stark. Stark as executive of Stark Industries and through inheritance is estimated to have a net worth of $9.3 billion according to the 2012 Forbes Fictional 15, Forbes Magazine’s list of the 15 richest people in the realm of fiction.   Stark’s connection to the Ironman event, a competitive triathlon including a 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike ride, and a 26.2-mile run, remains unclear.   “I’m not aware Stark has any connection with the Ironman triathlon,” said VanCamp, executive director of Asheville Buncombe Regional Sports Commission.   “Mr. Taylor is aware Ironman and Tony Stark are fictional characters?”   Taylor is not aware Ironman is a fictional character and if anyone tries to prove Ironman is not real, Taylor will punch that individual in the face, with his officially licensed Incredible Hulk hands.  ...

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Asheville man born on April Fools Day can’t convince any of his coworkers today is his birthday
Apr01

Asheville man born on April Fools Day can’t convince any of his coworkers today is his birthday

ASHEVILLE- Jim Rich has always hated his coworkers.   But today takes the birthday cake of hate days for Rich.   Today, April Fools Day is Rich’s birthday and according to office policy that means his coworkers are supposed to get him a cake. But for the fourth year in a row Rich will not be receiving a cake, because his coworkers don’t want to fall for an April Fools Day prank.   “I can understand maybe the first year not getting me a cake, but you would think after not celebrating my birthday at all for four years it might sink in my birthday really is today,” said Rich.   “I work with a bunch of morons.”   Rich’s coworkers however might not be as dumb as Rich thinks.   “Oh we know full well today is his birthday,” said Jenny Phelps, one of Rich’s coworkers.   “Nobody likes Rich, he constantly complains and he never attends the office Christmas party.  He always takes the last cup of coffee and then never makes a new pot of coffee. Why would we spend money on a cake for someone we don’t like? I know it sounds kind of mean, but we are probably doing him a favor, he needs to lose a couple pounds.”   Rich will spend his lunch hour like he has spent his past four birthday lunch hours at Tupelo Honey enjoying a nice slice of pecan pie to himself.   “Who needs people, when you can have pecan pie?” said Rich.   “If the state of North Carolina would let me, I would marry pecan pie and it would probably be a lot healthier relationship than what I have now for a marriage. No I’m kidding I love my wife. April...

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Asheville second grader doesn’t understand why household pet bunny rabbit poops chocolate eggs once a year for Jesus
Apr01

Asheville second grader doesn’t understand why household pet bunny rabbit poops chocolate eggs once a year for Jesus

ASHEVILLE- When Isaac Dickson Elementary School second grader James Horn returns to school he has a question or two for the science portion of his day.   Horn woke up yesterday morning to a variety of chocolate covered eggs in his Easter basket, but instead of seizing the delicious chocolate like all the previous Easters, young Horn’s mind began to inquire where exactly did the chocolate eggs come from?   “I asked my mommy where did the eggs come from?” said Horn.   “She told me my rabbit Peter brought them for Jesus. I asked her how Peter got the money to buy them and she said Peter just made them. I then asked her how did he make them and she just told me Peter poops them out once a year. I then asked her if it was safe to eat the eggs since it came out of Peter’s but and she said it was. It is kind of gross, butt I like chocolate and Jesus.”   Horn not fully satisfied with his mother’s answer plans on asking his third grade teacher Mrs. Gould her thoughts on where the eggs come from.   Horn’s Mother Susan just hopes Mrs. Gould is up to the task.   “I probably could of handled that conversation better, but they don’t exactly hand you a fact sheet of this is what you need to tell your kids about the Easter bunny when you become a parent,” said Susan.   “He also asked me why if Peter loved Jesus so much he only created chocolate eggs once a year? I just told him because Peter was a lazy Christian like his father, who only celebrates his love for Jesus twice a year by only going to church on Christmas and Easter.  I know not the ideal answer, but what do you say to that?”   Susan knows the questions won’t stop anytime soon and is already researching what you should tell your children when they ask, ‘Where do babies come from?’   “I don’t really remember my birds and the bees conversation from my parents,” said Susan.   “And now that I think about it, birds and bees? That doesn’t even make sense. Please pray for my son.”   James saved a chocolate egg and is hoping Mrs. Gould will let him take a look at it under the classroom microscope. James is also still beyond confused how Peter wrapped the egg in a shiny plastic wrapper and why he wrote Russell Stover on the wrapper.   “Life is really confusing,” said James.   “Maybe it will all become more clear when I’m...

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Street preacher praying for future of Bele Chere, yelling at Asheville sinners always highlight of his year
Mar27

Street preacher praying for future of Bele Chere, yelling at Asheville sinners always highlight of his year

ASHEVILLE- Street preacher George Fontoya gets to yell at Asheville sinners once a year during Bele Chere and the prospect of not getting that opportunity would make Fontoya’s life a living hell.   “Look 51 weeks a year I have to sit and listen to people’s mediocre problems,” said Fontoya.   “Oh what’s that? Your husband doesn’t love you anymore? Boo hoo! There are people in North Korea right now that would eat your husband, because they are starving. My congregations is always ‘father this, father that.’ Yelling at sinners in Asheville at Bele Chere is the one time a year I get a release.”   The City of Asheville made an informal decision last week to stop funding Bele Chere and unless private entities decide to step up to continue the festival, this year will be the last Bele Chere.   “I just pray God will make the right decision and let Bele Chere continue,” said Fontoya.   “If the Lord doesn’t allow the festival to continue, I may have to question my own faith. It is just so fun to yell at people. It feels good to release 51 weeks of agitation about the dumb people in my congregation on unsuspecting sinners. If God denies me that opportunity, I may just have to smite him.”   Fontoya also hopes Bele Chere will continue that way he can catch up with his old seminary friends.   “Bele Chere is like a high school reunion for us folks in the God field,” said Fontoya.   “I always go on a diet a couple months before Bele Chere, because I don’t want to be the fat guy at the reunion. It is also interesting to see what people are up to. Last year we found out Father Tom slept with a member of his congregation and now he is working for the sanitation department in Savannah.  I guess you could say God took a dump on him and now hew works in a dump.”   Fontoya has organized a ministry petition asking the City of Asheville to restore funding to Bele Chere. The City has yet to respond to Fontoya’s petition.   A phone call placed Tuesday evening requesting comment from God was not immediately returned. Heaven has had some spotty cell phone service the last couple...

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Woman submits broken microwave to ‘You Spot It, We Fix It’ City of Asheville App disappointed in lack of repair
Mar26

Woman submits broken microwave to ‘You Spot It, We Fix It’ City of Asheville App disappointed in lack of repair

ASHEVILLE- Natalie Kite a 42-year-old West Asheville resident has been nagging her husband for months now to fix the microwave.   So upon hearing the news of the launch of the City of Asheville phone app, the Asheville App, which touts the message ‘You Spot It, We Fix It,’ Kite was overjoyed with the thought of never having stovetop popcorn again.   But two weeks have passed since Kite has submitted a photo of her broken microwave to the Asheville App and with a still broken microwave sitting on her kitchen counter, Kite has concluded the app is about as worthless as her husband.   “It is just so disappointing because I had such high hopes for our government,” said Kite.   “You know how frustrating it is to stovetop popcorn in the middle of a Netflix marathon? Hell until a couple months ago I didn’t even know how to stovetop popcorn, I had to YouTube how to do it. I feel like I’m living in a third world country without a microwave.”   The Asheville App launched on March 12th. The app allows users who spot a problem to submit a service request via their smart phones. Users can take a photo of a problem and the app includes a tracking tool allowing users to monitor progress on the repair, and City employees can even communicate directly with users if they need further information   But progress on Kite’s service request has not moved and the City has not contacted her.   “Maybe it is because I don’t live in a rich neighborhood?” said Kite.   “All city funded development seems to be in areas where residents buy Charmin instead of Laura Lynn toilet paper, you know what I’m saying? Hey government how about you help the little guy out for once? We already wipe our behinds with sandpaper, give us a break!”   Kite is not very optimistic about her other repair requests being serviced by the City anytime soon. Kite also submitted requests for the City to repair her broken screen door, the toilet in the guest bathroom that only works if you jiggle the handle in the right spot, and her living room wall clock that appears to be running counter clockwise.   “I knew before this process I needed a new husband, but now I have learned I need a new government too,” said Kite.   Kite is currently searching YouTube for how to get both a new husband and a new government.  ...

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