Rep. Tim Moffitt Tied to Nipple-Gate, Lobbyists Sucking on Government Teat
Mar20

Rep. Tim Moffitt Tied to Nipple-Gate, Lobbyists Sucking on Government Teat

By Gloria Burnhim Investigative Reporter and Guest Contributor to Citizen Thymes   ASHEVILLE- According to medical records received under the Freedom of Information About Idiots Act (FORYA), Rep. Tim Moffitt has used his third nipple to titillate lobbyists in exchange for campaign contributions.   Moffitt is the state legislator who recently introduced a bill in the NC General Assembly that would outlaw women from displaying their aureoles in public.   Moffitt’s alleged third mammary came to light when he applied for a nipplectomy under the free health insurance plan supplied to all state legislators. Such requests are public record.   When first asked about his “nip a nipple” request, Moffitt denied that he had applied.   “It’s probably a prank by one of the pro-gawker groups, such as Men Ogling Mammaries Salaciously (MOMS),” said Moffitt.   “Those pervs are always trying to monkey wrench anything to do with lactation.”   However, after a reporter faxed a copy of Moffitt’s nippleotomy request to him, he admitted applying.   “OK, I did send in the application, but just to highlight the insane procedures covered under Obama Care, which should be repealed immediately,” said Moffitt.   When a reporter pointed out that the nippleoffame procedure was covered before Obama Care, Moffitt said, “Come to think of it, I do have a tattoo that I got in Bangkok while I was serving in the Navy.”   When a reporter reminded Moffitt that he never served in the military, he said, “Well, there is my birthmark; I guess some might confused that with a lactation spigot.”   When told that a reporter had talked to three guys who showered with him in his high school gym class, Moffitt finally revealed all.   “OK, so I have three aureoles; it’s not that uncommon, really,” said Moffitt.   When told that a reporter had three depositions from lobbyists who had been “serviced” by Moffitt’s third nipple, the legislator was quiet for some time.   “You just don’t understand how much pressure we’re under to raise money (for re-election campaigns),” said Moffitt.   “These guys are on us all the time, like pups on a bitch, and some of them will pay top dollar for unusual acts. They will really suck you dry if you give them a chance. But is it really so weird? I get some cash, and they get a milky thrill – perfectly legal under state...

Read More
After attending Asheville Tattoo Fest, Asheville woman still regrets getting ink of shithead ex boyfriend’s name on buttock
Mar18

After attending Asheville Tattoo Fest, Asheville woman still regrets getting ink of shithead ex boyfriend’s name on buttock

ASHEVILLE- We all carry the pain of past relationships with us.   But very few of us carry that pain on the butt.   Ashley Rider a 33-year-old Asheville resident feels the pain of her past relationship every day as she has her ex’s name Stephen inked on her right butt cheek.   Rider was hoping attending the Asheville Tattoo Fest this past weekend would ease the shame she feels every day around the embroidered heart tattoo on her butt.   “I just thought surrounding myself with people that also sported tattoos would make me feel better,” said Rider.   “Boy was I wrong. I just felt the letters STEVEN burn into my ass all weekend. People would ask me if I had tattoos and that tattoo is the only one I have to show them. This weekend was supposed to be a relief and I all I took away from it was years of shame I will have to work out with my therapist.”   Rider had made a pact with her ex Steven while they were together that they would both get tattoos with each other’s names. One day Steven texted Rider with a picture of a tattoo with the letters ASHLEY branded on his buttock.   Rider returned the favor only to find out hours later that Steven’s tattoo had been fake.   “He showed me his ass which was bare and just said April Fools,” said Rider.   “What a shithead? Who does that to a person? April Fools day is the worst day of the year as far as I’m concerned.”   Rider dumped Steven four months later after finding out his attempts to find a job were also fake.   “They say if you love some one you should let them go,” said Rider.   “But what if he is a bumper sticker on your bum? Your move proverbs.”   Rider is currently single and looking for a guy named Steven, because she cannot afford to pay for the tattoo to be...

Read More
Global War on Terror near Asheville, Gee Haw Whimmydiddle Cell Busted in Loafer’s Glory
Mar05

Global War on Terror near Asheville, Gee Haw Whimmydiddle Cell Busted in Loafer’s Glory

By Sam Spoofinburger, Homeland Security Editor and guest contributor to the Citizen Thymes   WESTERN NORTH CAROLINA – A group of Loafer’s Glory craftsmen were arrested Monday and charged with providing communications equipment to enemy combatants in the Global War on Terror, according to FBI spokesman Wib Gulley.   The men, who were turned in by a local tipster, made and sold gee haw whimmydiddles, carved sticks that whirl when rubbed. The devices have been sold as “innocent toys” to tourists for 50 years, according to Gulley, the former head of the Eric Rudolph Search Team.   “Best we can figure, one of them boys raised up as a gee haw carver got into computer hacking,” said Gulley.   “Then he studied under Robert ‘Aura You Listening’ Moog over at UNCA. Somehow, he combined all that technology and invented a whimmydiddle that emits extremely low frequency, under-the-radar, long-distance, encrypted signals.”   The Loafer’s Glory group was quick to see the market potential for the souped-up whimmydiddles, dubbed wirelessdiddles, according to Gulley.   “A wirelessdiddle weighs about 2 ounces, needs no power source, and can be carved from a couple sticks in about 5 minutes,” said Gulley.   “Yet you can stand in a holler in Western North Carolina and signal Abdul Rahman Yasin under 50 feet of concrete in the Iraqi desert.”   The craftsmen quickly evolved into a cell of communications pirates, making and selling wirelessdiddles for a world market of underground rogues.   “We have good intelligence that says Jimmy Hoffa, Ariel Sharon, DB Cooper, Cat Stevens, and even are Tupac are Loafer’s Glory customers,” said Gulley.   “That’s how they all got away – they were warned by wirelessdiddle.”   As for the cell of Loafers, they have disappeared into Homeland Security custody.   “Can’t tell you where they are,” said Gulley.   “But I can assure you that it’s a place where no carving is allowed.”...

Read More
Doctors worried about sudden drop in Asheville snowflake life expectancy, speculates Obamacare may be to blame
Mar04

Doctors worried about sudden drop in Asheville snowflake life expectancy, speculates Obamacare may be to blame

ASHEVILLE- If you feel like snowflakes have been disappearing at a faster rate than normal, you are not the only one.   Doctors from around the country gathered this weekend at the Grove Park Inn to discuss the sudden drop in snowflake life expectancy in Asheville.   “Anymore it seems as soon as the snowflakes touch the ground they just simply cease to exist,” said Kevin Kline, a snowflakeologist for UC Berkley Medical Center.   “We believe every snowflake deserves to live a full and healthy life and we gathered here this weekend to make sure every snowflake gets that chance. Can you believe in just this past weekend alone 33 million snowflakes missed out on the opportunity to live long enough to be transformed into a snowball or a snowman? My heart just melts for these snowflakes.”   This weekend Kline and 12 other snowflakeologists tried to pinpoint the cause of the sudden drop in snowflake life expectancy in Asheville.   “We first hypothesized Obamacare may be to blame,” said Kline.   “Nobody really had a good explanation for why Obamacare decreases snowflake life expectancy, but we have learned if something is messed up, blame Obamacare and someone will eventually find a link between Obamacare and the current problem. After a weekend of brainstorming we still haven’t found the cause of the problem.”   Despite not pinpointing the cause, Kline and his fellow colleagues may of discovered a solution and they are asking for the Asheville City Council’s help.   “We are going to propose that the City Council should provide every citizen with one subarctic cooler to place in their yard to collect snowflakes,” said Kline.   “Just imagine how many thousands of snowflakes could be saved each winter if they landed in the coolers instead of the warm ground. The City Council would be doing each citizen a favor by providing theses coolers, because now everyone in a way would feel like doctors who save lives. Now even Joe the Plumber can feel like a hero.”   Kline failed to speculate on how much providing 84,458 people with subarctic coolers would cost. But Kline did however say the costs would be offset by the boost in snowflake tourism.   “Snowflakes are a vital part of Asheville’s economy,” said Kline.   “Tourists want to see Biltmore covered in beautiful snowflakes, not muddy grass. 84,000 coolers full of snowflakes should be enough to cover Biltmore or at least a quarter of it.”   Kline and his colleagues ended the weekend at the Grover Park Inn by holding a eulogy for this weekend’s fallen snowflakes. Sadly none of the...

Read More
Asheville bums busking to beat the law
Mar01

Asheville bums busking to beat the law

By Sam Spoofinburg, crime reporter and guest contributor to the Citizen Thymes   ASHEVILLE- No, not all of Asheville’s ragged winos with harmonicas in their ball caps are Mr. Bojangles.   But they are streetwise to the city panhandling ordinance, which allows street musicians to busk for coin, but busts panhandlers for asking for that last 87 cents they need for a bus ticket to go down to Apalachicola to bury their dead grandmamma.   According to the Kung Fu Kowboy, who monitors the street scene for the illumanati, many of Asheville’s panhandlers are also street musicians.   “Hell, you can get a kazoo at the (Salvation) Army for a nickel,” said Kowboy.   “Don’t even have to put it in yo mouf less the cops be around. An innibody can toot the ol kazoo – you wanna hear me play Brahm’s Rhapsody in E Flat Minor?”   Kowboy’s story was confirmed after observing Asheville bums busking firsthand.   On North Lexington, Junior “Mad Dog” Worley lay in a pool of vomit with a half-empty (or is that half-full?) bottle of MD 20 20 in his back pocket. Roused by gentle prodding with a ballpoint pen, Worley said he plays the spoons for the cops all the time.   Worley pulled a couple tablespoons out of his jeans and gave a stirring rendition of the first movement of Berlioz’s Symphony Fantastique.   “Feller from Juilliard offered me a full scholarship the other day,” said Worley.   “But I’m afraid formal training might ruin my natural gift. Besides, I’d have to wear a shirt and...

Read More
Local funeral homes rejoice as Asheville is ranked No. 1 place to retire, says will bring in new clients
Feb28

Local funeral homes rejoice as Asheville is ranked No. 1 place to retire, says will bring in new clients

ASHEVILLE- For the 7th year in a row, Asheville is TopRetirments.com’s Best Place to Retire.   To which Asheville funeral homes say keep those soon to be dead bodies coming.   “We could always use more business,” said Earl Grey, funeral home director of Body Disposal Services on Patton Avenue.   “I mean in our line of work the business doesn’t really stop, but we could use a boost. I really want to take my wife to the Bahamas before I prepare her coffin if you know what I’m saying.”   The Asheville funeral home community has seen a rise in traffic to their perspective parlors over the last several years as Asheville has established itself as a top retirement destination.   But most directors explain they welcome any increase in business as profits has waned over the last several years as families have chosen to cut corners, when it comes to disposing of their loved ones due to the slumping economy.   “Even though the number of bodies we have disposed of in the last couple of years has increased, our profits have stayed around the same as more and more people are choosing cremation over burial to save that extra dollar,” said Grey.   “Times are tough and people just aren’t willing to spend the dough on a traditional coffin burial. We have offered a BOGO on all our walnut coffins for the last year and nobody will take us up on our offer. I guess nobody is willing to die together to save some cash. I personally find mutual death pacts highly erotic and romantic.”   Despite a tough economy, Grey has kept Body Disposal Services a float the last couple years by getting an upper hand on the competition.   “A top retirement town also means a top destination for funeral home directors and let me tell you we are some cut throats,” said Grey.   “We try to recruit our clients early by frequenting almost dead hotspots like Denny’s. We have signed so many clients by offering BOGO Grand Slams.”   Asheville funeral home directors are hopeful Asheville will continue to be a top retirement destination in the near future or at least until the directors pass through their own parlors.  ...

Read More