Asheville father shows son Chick-fil-A campers as example of what giving up on life looks like
Apr03

Asheville father shows son Chick-fil-A campers as example of what giving up on life looks like

ASHEVILLE- Usually when Garrison Ford wants to teach his 9-year-old son Leonard a lesson he just revokes Leonard’s television viewing privileges for a week.   But when more than 100 people camped out in a parking lot of a soon to be opened Chick-fil-A on Merrimon Avenue, in hopes of being one of the first 100 people in line to win 52 sandwiches, 52 orders of waffle fries, and 52 medium drinks or $292.76 worth of product from Chick-fil-A, Garrison Ford could not pass up the opportunity yesterday afternoon to teach his son one more life lesson.   Ford holding his son hand walked his son around the campsite.   “Dad why are these people camping in this parking lot?” said Leonard.   “Why don’t they camp in the woods like we do?”   Garrison Ford lowered to one knee and placed his hand on his son’s shoulder and looked him in the eyes.   “Son these people don’t camp in the woods because camping in the woods might mean they would have to go a day without convenience,” said Garrison.   “These people are here for free chicken sandwiches. Now Leonard on a nice day like today would you want to be in the woods right now or camping here for chicken sandwiches?”   “In the woods, so we can look for bears and have s’mores,” replied Leonard.   “Why do these people want to camp out in this boring parking lot for free chicken instead of the woods?”   Garrison Ford smiled at his son’s perplexed face.   “You know how mommy and I tell you to keep dreaming big and working hard and to listen to your teachers?” said Garrison.   “Yes, so I can be an astronaut,” said Leonard.   “That’s right, well look at all these people here, son,” said Garrison.   “Each and everyone of them had big dreams like you once. Some of them wanted to be astronauts, some wanted to be doctors, some wanted to be firefighters, some wanted to be writers, some wanted to be painters. But somewhere along the way they quit dreaming, they quit working hard, they quit listening to the important and encouraging people in their life like their teachers and more importantly they quit listening to what their heart wanted and because of it they had to settle for a job they didn’t want. Worse, now they have a big hole in their heart from not pursuing what they were meant to do with their lives. ”   “A hole?” said Leonard.   “Yes a hole,” said Garrison.   “And they have to fill it with...

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Deceased Westboro Baptist Church Pastor Fred Phelps confused why Heaven is hot and full of flames
Mar20

Deceased Westboro Baptist Church Pastor Fred Phelps confused why Heaven is hot and full of flames

HELL- Fire and brimstone is not necessarily what deceased Westboro Baptist Church Reverend Fred Phelps had in mind when walking through heaven’s pearly gates.   In fact, Reverend Phelps must have been so traumatized by his recent passing shortly after midnight this morning, because he doesn’t remember seeing any pearly gates at all.   “It really is hot up here in Heaven, I didn’t expect that,” said Reverend Phelps.   “It must come from God’s warming beating hear, he loves me so much. If it is this hot up here, I can’t imagine how hot it is for all those gays, Muslims, Jews, and atheists down there in hell. Stupid people did not repent for their sins.”   Phelps, who founded the Westboro Baptist Church in 1955, a church most famous for it’s anti-gay message and signs they use to protest US soldier funerals that have messages like ‘God Hates Fags’ and ‘Thank God for Dead Soldiers.’   Despite heaven’s raging heat and being wrapped in flames like a blanket, Reverend Phelps doesn’t think his new eternal fate isn’t so bad.   “You know I do think I would of met God by now, so I’m a little disappointed in that regard,” said Reverend Phelps.   “But despite the heat, what makes me really happy is now I have an eternity to think about all those people that God hates and I take real joy in thinking about what pain they must going through right now.”   Reverend Phelps, lived to be 84-years-old and left a legacy behind on earth of being a huge bigoted jackass....

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Special snowflake that was told by mom no two snowflakes are alike just dies on windshield like thousands of peers
Feb12

Special snowflake that was told by mom no two snowflakes are alike just dies on windshield like thousands of peers

ASHEVILLE- Snowflake parents are usually not known for having the warmest hearts.   However, Flake Junior’s mother was an exception, who used to tell her son while growing up and falling through earth’s atmosphere that no two snowflakes are alike and that Flake Junior was indeed very special.   Flake Junior must of let his mother’s words get to his head as the not so invincible snowflake floated into I-40 traffic early Wednesday morning colliding with a Subaru windshield.   Flake Junior was pronounced dead at the scene. Paramedics attempted to resuscitate Flake Junior, but could not identify Flake Junior ‘s body parts from the thousands of other snowflake body parts that laid in the carnage left by the Subaru.   “There is a reason why Humpty Dumpty is a fairy tell,” said Asheville EMT Rick Rogers.   “Besides we didn’t exactly have a magnify glass in the back of the meat wagon.”   The snowflake family group Snow Flake Focus on the Family released a statement shortly after the incident, calling Flake Junior’ s death one more tragic example of how coddling and putting snowflake children on a pedestal can lead to their ultimate demise.   The Snow Crime Scene Investigation Unit questioned the woman driving the Subaru about the incident.   “He just floated out into the road,” said the woman.   “There was nothing that I could do. Well I think it was him, they all looked the same and I think I hit quite a few of them. What was so special about this snowflake again?”   Flake Junior lived to be 45 minutes old and is survived by his sister Flakelita, who resides inside a snowman in a West Asheville resident’s yard.   The SCSCIU however is still trying to find someone that can confirm the remains that they have is indeed Snowflake...

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Former Texas Roadhouse Armadillo mascot Andy admits to smuggling armadillos into Asheville area
Jul24

Former Texas Roadhouse Armadillo mascot Andy admits to smuggling armadillos into Asheville area

ASHEVILLE-  Do you ever wonder why Texas Roadhouse’s rolls with cinnamon honey butter taste so good?   Well it certainly isn’t the cinnamon or honey according to former Texas Roadhouse mascot armadillo Andy.   According to Andy the secret is in the teardrops of an armadillo.   That is right every side dish of cinnamon honey butter is garnished with exactly one teardrop of an armadillo before being brought to a Texas Roadhouse table near you.   “People constantly order more rolls without even thinking about the pain armadillos go through to bring melted cinnamon honey butter goodness to their fat mouths,” said Andy.   “It is a travesty nobody knows what Texas Roadhouse puts us armadillos through.”   Teardrops of armadillos are collected from a secret factory in Amarillo, Texas according to Andy.  In the factory, armadillos are forced to walk over cracked peanut shells collected nightly from Texas Roadhouses across the nation until the pain in the armadillos’ tiny feet causes the armadillo to cry. Then factory workers collect the armadillo tears with an eyedropper.   “People walk over hot coals all the time for some type of Tony Robbins trust walk bullshit,” said Andy.   “But imagine being forced to do that everyday and at the end of the day you don’t get a hug from that caveman Robbins.”   But Andy won’t stand for this armadillo travesty the size of Texas no more. Andy departed his job as company mascot at Texas Roadhouse seven months ago to join an underground network of armadillos freeing fellow dillos from the secret factory in Amarillo.   “Texas Roadhouse didn’t even tell the public about my departure,” said Andy.   “They just replaced me with another armadillo and figured the public wouldn’t know the difference because we all look the same. Sure enough, the public is as racist as Texas Roadhouse thought it was, congratulations humans.”   Andy has smuggled 10 fellow dillos out of the factory and safely into the Asheville area so far. Andy dresses the dillo refugees in brown fur to dupe the factory workers into believing the dillos are in fact groundhogs. But once the dillo refugees cross the North Carolina state border they immediately dump their groundhog disguise.   “Turns out some people in these parts like groundhog stew,” said Andy.   “We lost one refugee to a hunter in Canton, who wanted to get his wife a groundhog fur coat.”   Andy hopes his story will lead to a government investigation of the factory in Amarillo, but in the meantime he hopes you think twice before stuffing that cinnamon honey butter goodness down...

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Obama admits to daydreaming about Asheville 12 Bones barbecue during State of the Union address
Feb13

Obama admits to daydreaming about Asheville 12 Bones barbecue during State of the Union address

ASHEVILLE- What is one suppose to do during an applause break but put a big cheese grin on your face and daydream about Asheville barbecue?   At least that was President Barack Obama’s strategy during the State of the Union address last night.   “Applause breaks can sometimes be a downer, especially when you know in the back of your mind the sooner you are done with the speech the more likely you are going to be able to catch the end of the Bulls game,” said Obama.   “But last night’s applause breaks were pretty pleasant. Every time Congress broke into applause I would just focus on Michelle and think mmmm smoked potato salad. Oh lord what about those blueberry chipotle ribs and John Quincy Adams man, don’t get me started on that corn pudding.”   Obama is scheduled to visit Asheville today and give a speech at the Linamar plant in South Asheville to discuss policies outlined in last night’s State of the Union. Obama is also expected to make his day dreaming a reality by putting in an order at 12 Bones Smokehouse.   Obama even used barbecue as driving positive force during last night’s speech when Republicans seemed to be visually perturbed by his comments.   “Yeah Rep. Eric Cantor had a sneer on his face all night, but I’m not even mad,” said Obama.   “Because tomorrow I get ribs in my mouth and bullshit will still be spilling out of his mouth.”   Secret service officials say POTUS has been counting down the hours till barbecue since Monday.   “When North Korea conducted their third nuclear test yesterday, Barack was just like ‘Kim Jong Un looks so depressed all the time. That guy needs some 12 Bones,” said Sam Simms, Secret Service agent.   “Obama even made us double check that we packed the presidential wet naps for this trip.”   Asheville citizens that enjoy sitting in traffic are advised to head to South Asheville today between 11:00 a.m. -1:00 p.m.  to experience the wonders of a presidential traffic...

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DOD approves women in combat, China makes plans to invade U.S. at low point of menstrual cycle
Jan24

DOD approves women in combat, China makes plans to invade U.S. at low point of menstrual cycle

WASHINGTON D.C.- Conservatives will be touting the ‘I told you so’ swag at the office today.   Upon the news the U.S. military will now allow women in combat, top Chinese generals have been working around the clock to plan a U.S. invasion during the military’s menstrual bleeding period.   “We don’t understand very much about female anatomy, but we do know now, the best time to attack the U.S. is when their military is suffering from menstrual bleeding,” said Senior Colonel Liu Mingfu, a Chinese military officer with the National Defense University.   “We believe during menstrual bleeding overall U.S. troop moral will be low, due to the moodiness of their fellow combat troops. Not to mention, the U.S. will be wasting valuable time and resources dropping tampons from the sky in combat zones such as Afghanistan.”   Chinese officials have hired top-notch astrologists to read the stars to predict when the U.S. military would suffer from a menstrual bleeding period.   “We know that it has to happen within a month, because that is what women are referring to when they say it is their time of the month,” said Liu.   “The question our astrologists are trying to answer is what exactly is that time?”   News about possible invasion has ordinary U.S. citizens weighing in on the Department of Defense’s recent decision to allow women in combat.   “I know it seems like our military is pretty badass with all the nuclear weapons, F-22’s, and drones,” said Bob Remer, a Candler, North Carolina resident.   “But now that we have allowed women in combat, the worlds sees us as a bunch of sissies. China wants to invade us now and I hope and pray the largest nuclear stockpile in the world can save us.”   Remer suggests recruiting a bunch of male bodybuilders to prove that despite having women, the U.S. military is still strong.   “Perhaps the bodybuilders could tweet how much they squat,” said Remer.   “Nothing would scare the Chinese like a guy squatting 450 lbs.”   Remer blames Hollywood liberals and the stunning performance of Demi Moore in GI Jane for the recent decision to allow women in combat.   UPDATE- The Chinese government has purchased large screen projectors to play the Notebook during the U.S. invasion.   Chinese officials hope the emotions of the Notebook will heighten the debilitating effect of the menstrual bleeding on US combat troops.   The U.S. Department of Defense responded quickly by purchasing silencing headphones to block the sweet, sweet voice of Ryan...

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