Hung over Asheville man can’t believe there isn’t one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole fricking house
Jan01

Hung over Asheville man can’t believe there isn’t one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole fricking house

ASHEVILLE- Sam Keegan made his New Year’s Eve plans three weeks in advance.   Keegan arranged for a limo to pick up him and his wife from his coworker’s New Year’s Eve party two weeks in advance.   Hell, Keegan even wrote his New Year’s resolutions in October.   But Sam Keegan forgot one important item to survive New Year’s Day. Keegan forgot to stock up on ibuprofen to suppress that pounding headache he now is...

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Obama orders DOD to build giant kiddie pool to ease US over fiscal cliff
Nov26

Obama orders DOD to build giant kiddie pool to ease US over fiscal cliff

WASHINGTON, D.C.- There is no reason if you are going to jump off a cliff that at the bottom there has to be giant sharp boulders to break your neck on.   President Obama yesterday made sure that the United States leap over the fiscal cliff would be a safe one.   Obama ordered the Department of Defense to build a 3 trillion gallon kiddie pool to lessen the impact of the United States descent over the fiscal cliff.   “I...

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Con Artist gives up dream of becoming President after lying idol Romney loses
Nov07

Con Artist gives up dream of becoming President after lying idol Romney loses

ASHEVILLE- When your hero falls short of his or her goal, it’s hard to see how you may achieve a similar goal.   Professional con artist Austin Lang (at least that’s what we think his name is) gave up his dream of becoming President of the United States after his idol Mitt Romney was defeated by President Barack Obama last night.   “My mom always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I put my mind to it,” said...

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FOX green lights new Polygamist dating show Binders Full of Women
Oct22

FOX green lights new Polygamist dating show Binders Full of Women

LOS ANGELES- Hey men are you tired of searching for the one?   Do you find meeting, talking, learning more about, and dating women tiresome?   Do you think it would be selfish of you to offer all you have to give to just one woman?   Well FOX has the dating show for you.   FOX green lighted a new Polygamist dating show Binders Full of Women this past week.   Binders Full of Women is a dating show that will...

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Romney prepares for debate by electrocuting self with computer, after watching 90’s movie The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes
Oct01

Romney prepares for debate by electrocuting self with computer, after watching 90’s movie The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes

BOSTON, MASS.- Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is not expected to do well against President Barack Obama in the first presidential debate Wednesday evening.   Even the Romney campaign downplayed expectations for Romney this past weekend calling Obama a “universally acclaimed public speaker.”   But that doesn’t mean Romney isn’t going down without a fight.   Romney even risked his own health late Sunday, after...

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Report: Life spans shrink for least-educated whites, population impacted remains calm due to inability to read report
Sep24

Report: Life spans shrink for least-educated whites, population impacted remains calm due to inability to read report

NEW YORK, NY- If books are given away for free in a trailer park will anybody choose to read them?   Researchers are guessing no, but the books may be used to balance a coffee table or as an assistive device during a domestic abuse dispute.   A new study reveals life expectancy rates among white Americans lacking a high school diploma are dropping sharply. But those same Americans seem unaffected by their early death...

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