Hung over Asheville man can’t believe there isn’t one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole fricking house
Jan01

Hung over Asheville man can’t believe there isn’t one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole fricking house

ASHEVILLE- Sam Keegan made his New Year’s Eve plans three weeks in advance.   Keegan arranged for a limo to pick up him and his wife from his coworker’s New Year’s Eve party two weeks in advance.   Hell, Keegan even wrote his New Year’s resolutions in October.   But Sam Keegan forgot one important item to survive New Year’s Day. Keegan forgot to stock up on ibuprofen to suppress that pounding headache he now is suffering from.   “Holy Hell how much did I drink last night?” said Keegan.   Keegan remembers drinking a six-pack, but conveniently forgot about taking 4 shots of Jack with that annoying jackass from Human Resources and then there was that bottle of champagne.   “My head is killing me and I can’t even see straight. Where is the damn ibuprofen?” said Keegan.   Keegan stumbled to the bedroom window, with both hands over his eyes to prevent being blinded by that ‘damn’ sun and subsequently closed the blinds.   “I told you for the umpteenth time we don’t have any ibuprofen,” yelled Keegan’s wife.   Keegan loved his wife, but he thought if she yelled one more time it might send his migraine over the edge and he might have to suffocate her with a pillow. Keegan laughed to himself over the thought of murdering his wife as a convenient loophole to that ‘death do us part’ part in his vows.   “A fricking $250,000 house with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and there is not one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole house?” said Keegan.   “Jesus does anybody deliver ibuprofen in this town?”   The Keegans plan to spend the rest of the day in bed.  Attempting to drive to a CVS to get ibuprofen would be a death sentence according to Sam. Hell, the thought of getting up and walking downstairs to let their golden retriever Molly out, sounded exhausting to Sam. Maybe tomorrow thought...

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Obama orders DOD to build giant kiddie pool to ease US over fiscal cliff
Nov26

Obama orders DOD to build giant kiddie pool to ease US over fiscal cliff

WASHINGTON, D.C.- There is no reason if you are going to jump off a cliff that at the bottom there has to be giant sharp boulders to break your neck on.   President Obama yesterday made sure that the United States leap over the fiscal cliff would be a safe one.   Obama ordered the Department of Defense to build a 3 trillion gallon kiddie pool to lessen the impact of the United States descent over the fiscal cliff.   “I still have full faith in both parties coming together to get a deal done to prevent us from going over the fiscal cliff,” said Obama.   “However, we have to have a back up plan just in case to make sure at the end of the day no matter what happens we can move forward as a country. Whether that happens to be at the bottom of a kiddie pool or on top of a cliff is up to Congress.”   Congress has until the end of the year to come up with a deal to keep the United States from going over the fiscal cliff in January.   Obama has been in negotiations with top advisers in the Pentagon for the last month to come up with a safety plan just in case Congress can’t make a deal.   “Well we discussed building a giant safety net, but there was worry some of our smaller citizens may slip through the holes and hurt themselves,” said Obama.   “Besides where were we going to get a spider with that kind of web spinning power in such short notice. The Pentagon will begin breaking ground on the pool tomorrow.”   The Pentagon will be getting water for the kiddie pool by flying in melting glaciers from the Arctic.   “We figured they will be gone anyways in the next 50 years, why let all that water go to waste,” said Obama.   “I know what your thinking, what about people who can’t swim? Turns out my old friend Mitt Romney owns a company in China that manufactures rubber ducky floaties. He is giving us a discount because he is such a patriot.”   The Pentagon has advised every American citizen to invest in a wet suit before the New Year. If the US were to go over the fiscal cliff into the giant kiddie pool, the water will be no doubt be...

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Con Artist gives up dream of becoming President after lying idol Romney loses
Nov07

Con Artist gives up dream of becoming President after lying idol Romney loses

ASHEVILLE- When your hero falls short of his or her goal, it’s hard to see how you may achieve a similar goal.   Professional con artist Austin Lang (at least that’s what we think his name is) gave up his dream of becoming President of the United States after his idol Mitt Romney was defeated by President Barack Obama last night.   “My mom always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I put my mind to it,” said Lang.   “I’ve done a pretty good job so far of living up to my mother’s expectations. But I have to say after watching one of the best liars I have ever seen lose the election, I just don’t think it’s realistic for me to ever become President of the United States.”   Lang, who has stolen the identities of hundreds of North Carolina citizens, convinced several senior citizens that he is their long lost nephew, and has capitalized on a number of pyramid schemes says although he was experienced in the art of lying, he had nothing on the king of lying Mitt Romney.   “Oh my God I have seen nothing like Romney before, that guy should write a text book on lying,” said Lang.   “The auto bail out shift, the I created jobs while I was at Bain, the I care about Latinos because I’m practically from Mexico, all were just so good they will probably be theories for us con artists. It’s just too bad we all have to wake up every day and live with the fact, although we may swindle millions from struggling companies and the IRS, it’s just sickening to know the American people will never let us become President of the United States. Talk about class warfare.”   With the presidency out of the question, Lang has started to think about an alternative future.   “Well once I get Mildred to add me to her will, I plan on getting out of North Carolina,” said Lang.   “I find if you stay in the same place for too long, the FBI eventually finds you. Once I leave North Carolina I hope to go on a few Mormon missionaries to get a since of where the guru got his swag. After that since I still have a dream of making a difference in this country, I would like to serve as an apprentice to another great liar Karl Rove. Who knows someday I could become chairman of the GOP with all my lying experience.”   If anybody knows a Mildred please keep a watchful eye on her the...

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FOX green lights new Polygamist dating show Binders Full of Women
Oct22

FOX green lights new Polygamist dating show Binders Full of Women

LOS ANGELES- Hey men are you tired of searching for the one?   Do you find meeting, talking, learning more about, and dating women tiresome?   Do you think it would be selfish of you to offer all you have to give to just one woman?   Well FOX has the dating show for you.   FOX green lighted a new Polygamist dating show Binders Full of Women this past week.   Binders Full of Women is a dating show that will help men, who embrace a polygamist lifestyle, find the right hen house of chicks to fulfill their desires. Contestants will be faced with the task of choosing between three binders. Each binder will have the names and information of seven different women and at the end of the show the contestant will pick a binder with seven women, which he wishes to marry.   FOX developed the new dating show after GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney mentioned binders full of women in last week’s presidential debate.   “The internet just lit up with binders full of women references and we at FOX brainstormed how we could take advantage of that momentum,” said Kevin Reily, President of Fox.   “The show’s concept is brilliant. Viewers’ biggest complaint about current reality dating shows is having to listen to the mouth’s on some of these women. We decided to embrace the Romney approach to this show, which are women shall be seen but not heard.”   Each binder will include women, who hold valuable woman qualities such as the ability to cook, clean, sew, give birth, open beers, and raise children. However, each binder will also include one wildcard woman, who defies their biological mission.   “These wildcard women misbehavior will really throw these contestants for a loop,” said Reily.   “This season we have one wildcard, who insists on having a job outside the home. We also have a wildcard, who wishes to go back to school. We even have a wildcard that insists the man wears a condom during the act of intercourse. Binders Full of Women will be must watch television.”   The Binders Full of Women elimination process will be similar to the Bachelor, except contestants will award aprons to the binders they still wish to pursue instead of roses.   Binders Full of Women will premiere in January of 2013. FOX will also premiere The 47 Percent in January, a sitcom about 47 percent of Americans forced to work without government assistance for the first time in their...

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Romney prepares for debate by electrocuting self with computer, after watching 90’s movie The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes
Oct01

Romney prepares for debate by electrocuting self with computer, after watching 90’s movie The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes

BOSTON, MASS.- Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is not expected to do well against President Barack Obama in the first presidential debate Wednesday evening.   Even the Romney campaign downplayed expectations for Romney this past weekend calling Obama a “universally acclaimed public speaker.”   But that doesn’t mean Romney isn’t going down without a fight.   Romney even risked his own health late Sunday, after attempting to electrocute himself with a computer in a last ditch effort to gain an advantage in Wednesday night’s debate.   Romney reportedly stripped naked and dived head first into his hot tub, with a plugged in Compaq laptop computer. Campaign staffers immediately pulled Romney out of the hot tub and rushed Romney to Boston Medical Center, where he was treated for minor injuries.   “I’m glad to say Mr. Romney will be just fine and should be more than ready to debate Barack Obama,” said John Smith, the Romney family’s physician.   “He may have a little trouble keeping his hair matted down the next couple of days, but with adequate rest he should be fine.”   A source close to the campaign says Romney was enjoying the Disney movie The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes with his family Sunday and after watching the scene where Kirk Cameron’s character Dexter gets electrocuted by a computer and turns into a genius, Romney decided electrocuting himself might be worth a shot.   “I mean his campaign has certainly not been executed in the most intelligent way, but to electrocute yourself with a computer?” said the anonymous source.   “I’m glad he is ok. But somebody should ask the Romney campaign what they’re doing with Compaq computers? If you wanted to turn yourself into a genius wouldn’t you want to electrocute yourself with a smarter operating system? Have some class for God’s sake.”   The Romney campaign has not revealed whether the attempt to transfer the Compaq laptop’s knowledge to Romney’s brain was successful.   “The man won’t release his tax returns, you think he would reveal whether he is a genius before Wednesday night?” said the anonymous source.   “But even if he is a genius, it doesn’t necessarily mean the American people will vote for him. Just look at our last president.”   The presidential debate on Wednesday will start at 9:00 p.m. and will cover domestic policy. PBS’s Jim Lehrer host of News Hour will moderate the debate.   The audience has been directed to wear rubber suits, jut in case Romney were to pop a fuse....

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Report: Life spans shrink for least-educated whites, population impacted remains calm due to inability to read report
Sep24

Report: Life spans shrink for least-educated whites, population impacted remains calm due to inability to read report

NEW YORK, NY- If books are given away for free in a trailer park will anybody choose to read them?   Researchers are guessing no, but the books may be used to balance a coffee table or as an assistive device during a domestic abuse dispute.   A new study reveals life expectancy rates among white Americans lacking a high school diploma are dropping sharply. But those same Americans seem unaffected by their early death sentence due to their inability to read the study.   “I guess everybody kind of wishes they would die in the middle of their sleep and not be aware of their imminent demise,” said John G. Haaga, head of the Population and Social Process Branch of the National Institute of Aging.   “But while their ignorance may be comforting to them that same ignorance could be contributing to their premature death.”   Possible explanations for premature death among less-educated whites include prescription drug overdoses, higher rates of smoking, rising obesity, and a lack of health insurance.   “For the most part these possible explanations are preventable,” said Haaga.   “But every time we try to educate this population about what they can do to live longer they shut down. They call us, ‘hippie liberal elite Obama lovers.’ One of our researchers proposed they should exercise more and they just responded with ‘exercise is gay.’ These people are proud that’s for sure.  I’m not sure what exactly their proud of, but they are definitely proud.”   But unlike the least-educated’s high school teachers and parents, the National Institute of Aging refuses to give up on them. The National Institute of Aging has recruited the help of Keith Stone spokesman of Keystone Light beer.   “We needed a person that looked and talked like them,” said Haaga.   “Speak to them at their level. Unfortunately, Larry the Cable Guy’s speaking fee was a little high. But Keith Stone will do just fine. That mullet of his is so persuasive.”   Keith Stone will star in National Institute of Aging commercials focused on persuading individuals to give up smoking and exercise.  The first National Institute of Aging commercial is expected to premiere October 13th during the Bank of America 500 NASCAR race on...

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