Portland Beer advocate admits to having bottle of Highland Gaelic Ale stuck up his ass
Sep05

Portland Beer advocate admits to having bottle of Highland Gaelic Ale stuck up his ass

ASHEVILLE- Journalists pride themselves in being objective with the facts and reporting the news without bias.   But for one Portland journalist that task was difficult when the story he was writing centered on what was stuck up his own anus.   Martin Cizmar a journalist for Willamette Week wrote a blunt review of Asheville beer and specifically, Highland Brewing Company’s Gaelic Ale.   Here is an excerpt from Cizmar’s review of Gaelic: An American/Scottish hybrid called Gaelic Ale which kind tasters described as “malty” and “a benchmark of mediocrity” while less-impressed tasters found “powdery” with an “unpleasant aftertaste.”   And Cizmar’s review of Asheville Beer: Fucking Asheville. If you’re too into beer you might know about this stupid contest called “Beer City USA.” Essentially, a bunch of cubicle monkeys click-click-click on a list of cities purported to be capitals of craft beer. Mostly they vote for the city nearest their home or where they went to college. Portlanders have taken it seriously in the past and won. But now Ashville is now the perennial favorite, probably because there’s not much great beer in town to distract the dudes who vote in these things. Asheville’s claim to fame? Being colonized by Sierra Nevada and New Belgium. Importing talent is the Tarheel way, after all. “Hell no, boys, we ain’t kin figure to make own beer—let alone an airplane—so let’s git us some Yankees to git ‘er done and we’ll go on a’claimin it fer a century!” Mighty fine idea, y’all. So now Ashville, North Carolina, is supposedly the best beer city in the country. This is a town that’s the heart of a metro area of a half-million people. It has 10 breweries. That’d make for a pretty nice neighborhood in Portland—not the best, not the worst, just another neighborhood.   But Cizmar’s coworker Olivia Jones reveals the Beer City USA poll is not what struck a nerve with Cizmar, but instead the bottle of Gaelic Ale shoved up his ass.   “I think it’s hard to be objective about a product you have stuck up your butt,” said Jones.   “I would say that has been a big pain in his behind.”   Jones says Cizmar has put off removing the bottle due to lack of health insurance. Cizmar’s employer the Willamette Week has made multiple accommodations for his medical situation including cutting a hole in his office chair to let the bottle that sticks two inches out of his buttock hang freely.   “All of us at the office try to be supportive as possible of his situation but it is hard not to laugh at his...

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GOP Speech Writers pen ‘even a hurricane won’t keep us from winning the White House’ as winning line at convention
Aug27

GOP Speech Writers pen ‘even a hurricane won’t keep us from winning the White House’ as winning line at convention

TAMPA, Fla.- GOP speech writers are taking the advice of a former front runner in the Republican primary Rick Santorum, who quipped on the campaign trail, ‘You have to make the best out of a bad situation.”   Tropical Storm Issac has delayed the GOP convention a day and forced hundreds of attendees to stay at home due to cancelled flights.   But GOP speechwriters are making the best out of a bad situation by harnessing the power of the storm to win political points. A ghost writer for former Florida governor Jeb Bush’s convention speech on Thursday explains, ‘Even a hurricane won’t keep us from winning the White House’ will be the line that defines the convention.   “The hurricane line is just brilliant,” said Micheal Rezac, a speechwriter also for Vice President candidate Paul Ryan.   “It’s like Ralph Waldo Emerson is watching us from heaven and sent us a haiku encrusted in gold on an angel’s feather. The line is going to fire up the crowd just like if someone yelled ‘Obama is a Muslim.’ Except this line is a bit more politically correct.”   The hurricane line has been strategically included in a variety of speakers’ speeches including the GOP nomination for President, Mitt Romney.   “Mitt is going to walk on stage with the Scorpions’ ‘rock you like a hurricane’ playing in the background,” said Rezac.   “Then he’s going to say, ‘Issac you couldn’t rock us. Even a hurricane won’t keep us from winning the White House. But President Barack Obama you best be ready because Romney-Ryan will rock you like a hurricane.’ The crowd is going to shit their Confederate flag boxers with excitement.”   Las Vegas bookers caught wind of the GOP’s plan and MGM is currently offering 20 to one odds the hurricane line will be used at least 15 times. Other betting lines include, Florida Senator Marco Rubio being caught with a male prostitute at 40 to one and New Jersey Governor Cris Christie mistaking his own thumb for a creamed filled long john at 50 to...

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Boy Scouts ban gay Scouts and troop leaders in fear gays will change ‘tacky’ brown uniforms
Jul23

Boy Scouts ban gay Scouts and troop leaders in fear gays will change ‘tacky’ brown uniforms

IRVING, TEXAS- The shirts with holes in the armpits and pizza sauce stains of yesteryear strung about the front seem to always survive closet cleanings.   Those shirts no matter how rag tag gives us all a sense of our past and who we were when we wore them. The thought to just throw the shirts away strikes a fear that we just may forget who we were and what we did in a decade already forgotten.   But for the Boy Scouts of American their rag tag brown uniforms serve as a place to stand on what is deemed as an appropriate sexual orientation.   Bob Mazzuca, a chief scout executive of the Boy Scouts of America explained this week they were excluding gays from membership due to their keen sense of fashion sense and in turn, fear the organization may have to spend thousands of dollars bedazzling Scout gear.   “For anyone that is prone to pop culture and stereotypes, knows that the gays really know how to dress and most of the fashion designers out there are members of the gay community,” said Mazzuca.   “If we were to accept them into our community there primary interest would be to redesign our uniforms. A uniform redesign would cost a lot of money. The Scouts are all about serving our community and every dollar we spend somewhere else cannot be spent on the community. This is about discriminating against a few to let the majority get what it wants.”   The Boy Scouts have worn the same tan and olive uniforms since 1980, based on a design by one of the world’s leading fashion designers, Oscar Aristides de la Renta Fiallo, known for serving as one of the couturiers to dress Jacqueline Kennedy.   However, a uniform redesign is not only about costs for Mazzuca and the Boy Scouts of America. A redesign would also put Scouts in danger when hiking through the woods.   “While a lot of glitter and sparkles may be good for Scouts who want to avoid oncoming traffic at night, it is no good for the woods,” said Mazzuca.   “If the new redesign were to include glitter and sequence, the Scouts would be very visible to predators such as bears and lurking defensive coordinators. Our brown uniforms allow our Scouts to blend into the bark of a tree if need be for survival.”   Mazzuca also believes gay Scouts and troop leaders would feel uncomfortable as part of the Scouts and may feel like they won’t be able to participate.   “We don’t offer a lot of sewing or crocheting badges,”...

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Congress finds solution to childhood obesity in Farm bill
Jul16

Congress finds solution to childhood obesity in Farm bill

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Childhood obesity has more than tripled in the last 30 years in the United States.   Congress took a pivotal step in reducing childhood obesity Thursday.  The U.S. House Agriculture Committee advanced the 2012 Farm bill out of committee, which included a $16 billion cut to food stamps over 10 years.   “Today is a proud day for America and our future, which is our children,” said Rep. Frank Lucas, Chairman of the House Agriculture Committee.   “No longer will our kids get government handouts, which in turn makes them lazy and fat. Instead kids will have to work, if they want to get food and it is so important to establish a work ethic in youth at a very young age.”   The House has yet to vote on the proposed farm bill, but the cuts to food stamps are much deeper than the Senate’s version, which cut just $4.5 billion from food stamps over 10 years. Lucas applauded the House version calling the cuts necessary and an olive branch to the President as a sign of future cooperation.   “First Lady Michelle Obama has put such an emphasis on reducing obesity and getting healthy, and we just want to help,” said Lucas.   “Obama always says all we do is say ‘no,’ but this bill is a clear sign of cooperation on childhood obesity.”   The proposed $16 billion cut would result in two to three million people losing food assistance according to the Congressional Budget Office; additionally 280,000 children would lose access to their school’s free lunch program.   Some experts believe the cuts would not only leave millions without adequate nutrition, but the savings from the cuts would be overwhelmed by the medical costs of treating malnutrition. But Lucas says not so fast.   “I thought health care costs were covered under Obamacare?” said Lucas.   “Look people are not going to suffer from hunger, we are just limiting those lazy Americans from buying soda and candy on the government’s dime. Let them work for their soda and candy. For some of them it will be the first time they work in their lifetime. I work for my daily Diet Coke and they can...

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U.S. House repeals Obamacare, reaffirms faith in U.S. flag in same week
Jul16

U.S. House repeals Obamacare, reaffirms faith in U.S. flag in same week

WASHINGTON, D.C.- The One Hundred Twelfth U.S. Congress has been deemed by many as the “do nothing” Congress for the legislative body’s inability to pass bills.   Members of the House of Representatives are seeking to shed that label for the “just checking” label.   After voting to repeal the Affordable Care Act for the 33rd time this week, the House followed up that vote with whether or not members of Congress still agreed the current stars and stripes should be the official U.S. flag.   “We just wanted to make sure everybody is on the same page,” said House Speaker John Boehner.   “To reconfirm the U.S. flag is just our little way of saying ‘just checking’ if anybody has changed their mind. We want to give people an opportunity to speak if they have changed their support for the U.S. flag.”   The House voted 435-0 in favor of keeping the U.S. flag as is. The current version of the U.S. flag has been used since July 4, 1960.   “I think this vote was important,” said Boehner.   “Hey you never know how people really feel till you vote. You would think with Photoshop and InDesign there may be some creative ways to update the flag? I personally think it would be cool to have a cross busting out of the stripes.”   The Senate has yet to take up a vote on the repeal of the Affordable Care Act or the confirmation of the U.S. flag.   The House finished the week with votes confirming Katie Holmes leaving Tom Cruise was a smart move and a resolution urging NBC to bring back the popular sitcom, Friends.   “It is an election year and we want to prove to the taxpayers they are getting their money’s worth,” said Boehner.   “For example we will be holding a hearing next week on possible voting fraud that took place during the final weeks of American Idol.”   The current 112th Congress has the lowest approval rating in congressional history at nine percent. The approval rating is lower than the IRS, lawyers, and BP...

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GOP lays out July 17-race runoff plan for 11th Congressional District candidates Vance Patterson & Mark Meadows
Jul09

GOP lays out July 17-race runoff plan for 11th Congressional District candidates Vance Patterson & Mark Meadows

  ASHEVILLE- They say an elephant never forgets.   Two GOP candidates are in for an election race runoff for the 11th Congressional District seat they will never forget on July 17th.   NC GOP chair Robin Hayes announced late Sunday the party was abruptly ending voting in the 11th Congressional District race between Republican candidates Mark Meadows and Vance Patterson. The party has instead chosen to force both candidates to run a literal race to decide who will move on to face Democrat Hayden Rogers on the November ballot.   “The election in November is perhaps the most important election in our country’s history,” said Hayes.   “We want Vance and Mark to show how dedicated they are to defeating president Obama and his liberal minion Hayden Rogers.”   The two GOP candidates will run an 11-mile race for the 11th Congressional seat, with a series of obstacles to overcome on their way to the finish line.   “Eleven miles for the 11th seat,” said Hayes.   “Isn’t that clever? Much better slogan than that hope and change stuff to nowhere.”   The candidates will sprint the first three miles before taking on the first challenge, which involves balancing five King James Bibles on top of their head for the next quarter mile of the race. If the bibles fall the two candidates will have to go back to where they started and try again or donate $500 to Restore Our Future, a pro Romney super Pac.   “Vance and Mark need to know to be a good politician you have to balance your religious beliefs with your campaign donations,” said Hayes.   “If you stray from your religion as a politician you really need to rely on those that donate to your campaign. Money may not buy happiness but it sure can buy you an election.”   After clearing the religion obstacle, the candidates will sprint another three miles until they reach obstacle number two, the brainteaser obstacle. The two candidates will have to list eleven ways to imply President Obama was not born in the US, without explicitly saying he is in fact not a US citizen.   “Being a politician is not about how much brawn you have, you know?” said Hayes.   “Sometimes you have to use your head. Like did you know President Obama favorite pie is not apple? Hmmm doesn’t sound American to me. I mean of course I know he is an American citizen.”   The candidates will sprint another three miles before taking on their second to last obstacle, a barrage of questions from the liberal media.   “Sometimes the liberal media asks dumb...

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