PepsiCo, Coca-Cola confident fracking will boost bottled water sales
Jul09

PepsiCo, Coca-Cola confident fracking will boost bottled water sales

RALEIGH- Try to find the good in every situation.   PepsiCo and Coca-Cola have found the good in the recent fracking bill approved by the North Carolina legislature that allows fracking in the state, starting in 2014.   Fracking or hydraulic fracturing gas drilling involves injecting a drilled well with chemicals, water and sand at high speed to break up shale rock deep underground and free trapped natural gas. Fracking wastewater has been connected with many incidents of flammable water and poisoned streams across the US.   But the two largest soda companies say while your backyard pond may be on fire, because of fracking, rest assured you can purchase uncontaminated bottled water from your favorite soda provider to put the fire out.   “Here at Pepsi, we have always prided ourselves in giving back to the community,” said Indra Nooyi, president of PepsiCo.   “It’s beautiful to think that in the near future a bottle of Aquafina may do the same thing brave firefighters do every day. The thought just warms my heart.”   PepsiCo’s Aquafina derives water from processed public tap water, but assures customers the water will come from state taps, who have banned fracking. Coca-Cola has promised the same for their bottle water product Dasani, which also comes from public tap water.   Both PepsiCo and Coca-Cola have relied on bottle water sales to makeup for sinking soda sales from consumers, who have abandoned soda due to health concerns. However, both companies have received criticism that bottled water adds plastic to landfills, uses too much energy by producing and shipping bottles across the world, and undermines confidence in the safety and cleanliness of public water supplies.   “We are not exactly making water flammable, now are we?” said Muhtar Kent, president of the Coca-Cola Company.   “I think it is kind of ironic that the same people, who have rallied against our production of bottled water, will have to come crawling back on their hands and knees for access to clean water after fracking takes off.”   In the US bottled water sales hit 9.1 billion gallons last year or 222 bottles of water for each person in US, four bottles of water for every man, woman, and child, every week. Both companies expect sales to rise after fracking takes it toll.   “We expected water sales to go up this year,” said Kent.   “But mostly due to survivalists, who are stockpiling water in case of the Mayan apocalypse. However with fracking, I don’t see bottled water sales going down anytime soon. Bottled tap water is the new gold.”   Fracking in North Carolina...

Read More
Man, who downloads Internet porn, confused why his computer doesn’t have virus
Jul09

Man, who downloads Internet porn, confused why his computer doesn’t have virus

CHARLOTTE- The “Internet Doomsday” virus shut down 69,000 computers today in the United States as the FBI’s temporary fix for all computers impacted by the malicious software expired 12:00 a.m. EDT this morning.   A Charlotte, NC resident Andrew Cortez doesn’t own one of the 69,000 computers infected by the virus. While many may rejoice at the news of their PC’s safety, Cortez is perplexed as to why his computer was not infected by the virus.   “I just don’t get it,” said Cortez.   “I download and watch a lot of Internet porn. I don’t have a malware or virus blocker. I just don’t see how my laptop escaped the virus.”   Cortez says he watches two hours of Internet porn nightly after his wife and kids go to bed. Cortez even admits he squeezes in Internet porn throughout the workday, when tasks come to a standstill or when stall number three is not occupied in the break room’s bathroom.   “I feel like I won the virus lottery or maybe not all viruses are created equal,” said Cortez.   “Maybe the virus creators loved porn and did not want to mess with those, who love and appreciate the art form that is porn.”   The originators of the virus allegedly netted $14 million in bogus advertising revenue. Six people were arrested in Estonia and charged with Internet fraud in November 2011 in connection with the virus. A seventh suspect remains at large.   Cortez has some advice for the FBI to catch the seventh suspect.   “I would start looking at hackers, who have ties to the Internet porn industry,” said Cortez.   “Whoever is responsible apparently doesn’t want to hurt Internet porn consumers. But don’t look at regular Internet porn moguls, because I watched some pretty messed up stuff like amputee, bestiality, poop, etc.”   Cortez’s wife has encouraged Cortez to see a therapist.   Several websites, including Facebook and McAfee, offer free diagnostic tools to check if the “Internet Doomsday” virus infects your computer.   The Citizen Thymes also offers a free diagnostic check. If you can read the following link, your computer is not...

Read More
Canada sues USSC over health care decision, influx of moron immigrants from US
Jul02

Canada sues USSC over health care decision, influx of moron immigrants from US

OTTAWA– The United States Supreme Court decision to uphold the Affordable Care Act last week, specifically the individual mandate, has had political pundits talking about how the decision will impact America politically, financially, and morally.   However, there has not been a discussion on how the court’s decision will impact our international neighbors, until now.   Canada Attorney General John Gerretsen announced Sunday morning Canada’s plan to sue the US Supreme Court for punitive damages spurred from a mass exodus of US citizens immigrating to Canada due to the court’s recent decision.   “Our country does not appreciate the recent surge of US citizens crossing the border to Canada,” said Gerretsen.   “It would be one thing if these individuals were gifted with intelligence and had potential to grow our economy, but Canada already has enough trailer parks.”   After the US Supreme Court announced the decision on Obamacare Thursday, thousands took to Twitter and Facebook to express they were moving to Canada. The following is just one example of such postings:     It appears the posts were sincere, as hundreds of US citizens have been pouring over the border the last three days.   “Cleary Canada does not want individuals in our country, who wish to escape socialized medicine, only to turn around and escape to a country such as Canada, which ironically enough has socialized medicine,” said Gerretsen.   “Canada ranks higher than the US in IQ scores and we don’t need the bottom third of the US dragging Canada down.”   Gerretson failed to specify the exact amount of punitive damages Canada was seeking from the US Supreme Court.   Tony Schiappa a US citizen, who recently crossed the border to Canada, commented on the lawsuit.   “Well I guess those Mounties with those sissy hats think they can just do whatever they want,” said Schiappa.   “The Mounties must of read Obama’s communist socialist manifesto. But I say screw you red coats, I’m American and I can do what I want.”   Canadian authorities detained Schiappa late Sunday for driving on the wrong side of the road.   “Those Canadians claim they don’t drive on the opposite side of the road like those dirty Europeans,” said Schiappa.   “But I think Barack Husein Osama set me up Jack.”   Schiappa was ordered to leave Canada after spending the night in jail.   “It’s ironic the US gets mad when citizens of Mexico cross their border, but have no respect for other countries’ borders when US citizens want to cross borders,” said Gerretson.   An US Supreme Court spokesman is expected to speak to the...

Read More
Hannity comes out as gay after watching Magic Mike with wife
Jul02

Hannity comes out as gay after watching Magic Mike with wife

NEW YORK, NY– Magic Mike collected $39.2 million at the box office this weekend and left thousands of ladies lusting for more as the credits ticked away.   But for one conservative pundit, Magic Mike changed his life forever.   Sean Hannity, a conservative radio show host and host of Fox News’ Hannity, announced Sunday that he is in fact gay.   Hannity described to reporters on Sunday how Magic Mike eased his transition out of the proverbial closet.   “I was sitting there in the theatre with my wife like I normally do on Saturdays, but something was just different this time,” said Hannity.   “My mind just cleared and I found myself mesmerized by Channing Tatum’s glistening chest. The baby oil drew my attention to a single tear of sweat that slid down Tatum’s breast and dripped off his erect nipple like a leaky faucet and my pants just exploded.”   Hannity, who has repressed feelings he has had for fellow males for years, explains coming out was important for him to feel comfortable in his own skin.   “While I was watching Magic Mike, I couldn’t help but think what it would be like to be the stripper pole Tatum twirled on,” said Hannity.   “That made me happy and I want to be happy all the time.”   Hannity’s recent announcement will no doubt have an impact on his marriage with his wife  Jill Rhodes Hannity.   However, the announcement has confirmed what bloggers have known for years.   The Daily Kos reported rumors in 2008 that Hannity once had a gay sexual experience with a white supremacist, Hal Turner and had several affairs with men in the past, earning him the nickname ‘Handy Hannity.’   Hannity failed to comment on whether his outing would change his stance on gay marriage, an issue he has strongly opposed in the past.   Hannity recently signed a four-year extension with Fox News in May.   Channing Tatum and Tatum’s erect nipple were unavailable for comment Sunday...

Read More
Man who still giggles immaturely at ‘Vagina’ almost dies of laughter
Jun25

Man who still giggles immaturely at ‘Vagina’ almost dies of laughter

LANSING, MICH- Michigan Democratic state Rep. Lisa Brown found herself in the spotlight after mentioning the word ‘vagina’ while opposing an anti-abortion bill on the House floor. Subsequently Brown was barred from speaking during debate the following day for using a word that House Republicans deemed as ‘vulgar’ and ‘disrespectful’   The incident sparked a social media frenzy as users took to the internet to express their take on the vagina controversy.  But one Michigan man was unexpectedly thrust into the reproductive fray.   Dane Anderson, a 26-year-old, resident of Lansing, Mich, was rushed to the hospital Friday after doctors say Anderson passed out due to what can only be described as suffering from extreme fits of laughter.   “Normally when I hear that word (vagina) my face slowly turns red and I giggle,” said Anderson.   “Usually I don’t come across it (vagina) very often but last week people were just giving it up left and right. People were talking about it on Facebook and Twitter, and almost every news anchor was talking about it. My immaturity was almost the death of me, but I can’t help it. It’s a very funny word.”   Paramedics resuscitated Anderson on the way to the hospital. Anderson explained what it was like to almost laugh to death.   “I was on my knees laughing, then suddenly I couldn’t breathe,” said Anderson.   “It was scary and than I began to cry uncontrollably and I thought that was hilarious, so I went into another manic fit of laughter. The last thing I saw was stars and passed out.”   Although doctors can’t seem to explain why the word vagina is funny, they do say it is possible to die from laughing too hard. Laughter activates the part of the brain that’s responsible for the flight or fight response to threats in the wild. The activation releases a natural chemical adrenaline, which in high doses can be toxic to various organs, in particular the heart.   Thanks to paramedics Anderson failed to become the third recordable case of death caused by laughter in the world. The Greek philosopher Chrysippus was said to have died from laughing after getting his donkey drunk on wine and recently, a Danish audiologist died laughing in 1989 while watching “A Fish Called Wanda.”   Anderson’s recent near death experience from hearing the word vagina is now being utilized as a political tool by Michigan House Republicans. Republican Rep. Mick Callton, who previously criticized Rep. Brown for using vagina, calling it ‘offensive’ spoke late Saturday.   “It’s pretty clear that today we can say we were on the right...

Read More
Sandusky Defense ‘Hope He Dies Before Verdict’
Jun18

Sandusky Defense ‘Hope He Dies Before Verdict’

  ALLENTOWN, PA– Jerry Sandusky’s defense against 52 charges of child-sex abuse is set to begin Today.   After eight of his alleged victims testified this past week about how Sandusky sexually assaulted them, Sandusky’s lawyers now only see one clear path to victory.   “We’re hoping he dies of natural causes by the time the verdict is handed down,” said Sandusky’s lawyer Joseph Amendola.   “He’s 68, so I like our chances. I think that is the only way we can win this case right now.”   Sandusky’s defense plans on defending Sandusky by claiming Sandusky suffers from histrionic personality disorder. Histrionic personality disorder was diagnosed for people in the 1950’s, mostly women, who were overly dramatic, extremely sensitive and often provocative. Sandusky’s lawyers hope to use the disorder to explain Sandusky’s behavior towards his alleged victims.   But Amendola explains the disorder defense is just a ruse to buy the defense more time.   “Nobody is going to buy a disorder that has been taken out of most manuals that lists and defines mental health disorders and is rarely diagnosed,” said Amendola.   “But we hope our approach will be so perplexing that it may slow down the prosecution and will give God time to do his justice.”   Sandusky’s lawyers in recent weeks have been trying to assist God in his work. The lawyers have been feeding their client the KFC Double Down sandwich (two fried thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets, two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese, and Colonel’s sauce) with a Burger King Bacon Sundae to wash the sandwich down for breakfast, lunch, and dinner the last two weeks.   “Sometimes God is busy, we are just trying to help him out,” said Amendola.   “Besides I think nearly everyone wants to die with the taste of bacon in their mouth.”   Sandusky’s lawyers have also recommended their client to take up smoking, blow dry his hair while showering, and consider sleeping with a plastic bag over his head.   “We understand our client did a very bad thing,” said Amendola.   “We know people want justice, but we don’t think we have to lose a case over it. Think about what a loss will do to the reputation of our practice. If Jerry dies of natural causes everyone wins.”...

Read More