Susan G Komen wants asterisk next to Livestrong charity after Armstrong doping
Jun18

Susan G Komen wants asterisk next to Livestrong charity after Armstrong doping

  AUSTIN, TX– The US Anti-Doping Agency brought formal doping charges against seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong on Tuesday.   But Armstrong’s personal reputation may not be the only thing on the line.   Susan G. Komen took a page out of Major League Baseball’s book Friday, writing a letter to Charity Navigator, the nation’s largest and most utilized evaluator of charities, requesting an asterisk be placed next to the Lance Armstrong Foundation’s four star rating. Susan G. Komen and the Lance Armstrong Foundation, which sells the yellow ‘Livestrong’ bracelets for cancer research, both received a four star rating from Charity Navigator.   The asterisk request is similar to baseball, where many argue asterisks should be placed next to Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire’s names in the single-season home run record books due to both players’ involvement with steroids.   “We think people should know the face of Livestrong cheated his way to fame and thus raised more money than he probably should have due to his fame,” said Nancy Brinker, CEO of Susan G. Komen for the Cure.   “The asterisk lets everybody know that. We want to reward charities, who do it the right way.”   Susan G. Komen raised over $357 million in 2011 compared to the Lance Armstrong’s Foundation of $42 million in 2011.   “Why would they want an asterisk or care about one?” said Micheal Helms, a 44-year-old cancer survivor.   “It seems like the money is going to a good place either way.”   It is hard to see why Susan G. Komen would care about the Lance Armstrong Foundation. But this is not the first time Komen has taken a vested interest in a significantly smaller charity.   In 2010 the Huffington Post revealed Komen identified and filed legal trademark oppositions against more than a hundred charities who used any variation of “for the cure” in their names. Examples included Kites for a Cure, Par for The Cure, Surfing for a Cure and Cupcakes for a Cure. Many were critical of the charity using over $1 million of donated funds to sue other charities.   Experts say the recent asterisk request may be a way to deflect recent criticism Komen received after pulling funding for cancer screenings from Planned Parenthood, only to change their mind after immense public pressure.   “Komen and Anti-Doping Agency need to back off of Lance,” said Helms.   “Lance won a 2,000 mile race seven times after battling testicular cancer. In my opinion you have to be on some kind of drug to even think about doing one of those races, let alone doing...

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Snoop Dogg weighs in on former massive pot land turned Tenn. parkland
Jun18

Snoop Dogg weighs in on former massive pot land turned Tenn. parkland

  WOODBURY, TN- Nearly 1,000 wooded acres, which once hosted a massive marijuana operation that made millions of dollars, were dedicated this past Wednesday as protected wildlife areas.   Marijuana advocate and Long Beach California rapper Snoop Dogg commented on the recent transformation of the land from pot to parklands.   “Yo playa that land was already a parkland,” said Snoop Dogg.   “Ya feel me? Now it’s just a bunch of plants that nobody can smoke.”   Although there is no plants one can smoke on the protected wildlife area, the Tennessee Wildlife Resource Agency will oversee recreational activities like hunting and hiking on the land.   “You wonder why the economy is still struggling,” said Snoop Dogg.   “Here is couple of young entrepreneurs making millions spreading the joy of medicinal healing and the feds straight up jack those homeboys. Then you turn the business into parkland, which I have to pay for in taxes. That shit is whack G.”   The entrepreneurs Jeffory Carl Young and Morris Roller are currently serving 18 years and 16 years in jail for distributing marijuana across the United States for nearly a decade.   Snoop Dogg has vowed to smoke a joint for every cannabis plant destroyed by the DEA.   “It’s the least I could do. It’s my life calling,” said Snoop Dogg.   “I still can’t believe the feds busted those boys. What else is there to do in Tennessee? You know those Nascar fans have to be high to watch those cars drive around that same circle all day.”...

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GOP Introduces Put Women Back in the Kitchen Bill
Jun11

GOP Introduces Put Women Back in the Kitchen Bill

WASHINGTON, DC- The final shot in what has been deemed the GOP’s war on women has been fired.   Just days after Senate Republicans blocked a pay equity bill that closed loopholes in the 1963 Equal Pay Act requiring employers to prove that differences in pay were related to job performance, not gender, the GOP introduced a bill that incentivizes women to return home.   The bill entitled Put Women Back in the Kitchen Act gives huge tax incentives to women who seek husbands and decide to stay home and take care of their families as opposed to go to work.   “This is a huge victory for women everywhere,” said former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin.   “Finally congress has introduced a bill that truly supports women and at the same time returns America to its roots, which is the family.”   Women, who chose to stay home under the bill would receive a $15,000 a year tax credit, but would have to adhere to the bill’s strict rules. Such rules include cooking three square meals a day for their husband and children, doing the family’s laundry, and would be forbidden from seeking a job outside the household.   “There are literally millions of women in the US that has been brainwashed by the liberal media and the feminazis that somehow staying at home and serving your husband is shameful,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.   “We want to give women the opportunity to do what they have biologically been raised to do, which is raise a family and be proud of doing it, while they are drying those dinner plates.”   Democrats argue the new bill would further hurt women, who continue to choose to work, who already make 77 cents on the dollar compared to their men counterparts. Democrats also question how the new bill creates jobs, which they argue should be Congress’s top priority.   “We don’t have a problem with women, who choose to stay at home to raise their families,” said Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.   “We just question why republicans chose to add those rules, I think it sends a message that husbands should not be assisting in the house chores. I already have a hard time getting my husband Paul to take out the trash as it is. I also don’t understand how this creates jobs.”   Republicans however argue women, who choose to stay home under the new bill, would be leaving open the door for males to fill their previous employment positions. Republicans also argue putting women back in the kitchen would help fight America’s ever growing...

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Race Horse ‘I’ll Have Another’ talks Sex Life, Class Action Lawsuit, Retirement
Jun11

Race Horse ‘I’ll Have Another’ talks Sex Life, Class Action Lawsuit, Retirement

  ELMONT, N.Y. – Even the most amateur sprinter knows how important stretching is to a sprinter’s health.   However a lack of stretching is exactly what lead to I’ll Have Another pulling out of the Belmont Stakes this past Friday. In a practice race run on Thursday, I’ll Have Another pulled his left front tendon, dashing his hope to secure the first Triple Crown since Affirmed swept the Kentucky Derby, Preakness and Belmont in 1978.   The injury subsequently also lead to I’ll Have Another’s retirement from competitive horse racing.   “We tried to pound in his brain that he needed to stretch before sprinting. But you know what they say, horses brains are the size of a walnut,” said I’ll Have Another’s trainer Doug O’Neill.   “After the injury we told him to walk it off, we even tried to rub some dirt in it, but to no avail he just couldn’t run Saturday.”   Despite pulling out of the Triple Crown due to a preventable injury, the colt I’ll Have Another says he has no regrets and is thankful for the opportunity. I’ll Have Another went on to say he is looking forward to retirement, especially next year’s breeding season where he has his eyes on several fillies.   “Neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh, haw haw, neigh, haw, neigh,” said I’ll Have Another.   I’ll Have Another doesn’t consider himself a fillies’ stallion but knows his recent accolades will score him some hay and oat points with the fillies.   “Neigh haw haw haw neigh neigh haw neigh haw neigh haw haw,” said I’ll Have Another.   O’Neill just hopes I’ll Have Another remembers to stretch come breeding season.   In the meantime I’ll Have Another will serve as the face of class action lawsuit lead by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (APSCA) against state racing commissions that fail to adopt rules that protect their horses.  A registry for thoroughbred horses, the Jockey Club, estimates that 15 thoroughbreds die on American racetracks every week.   The APSCA blames racing commissions who allow horse trainers to inject their horses with drugs to overcome various injuries so the horse can race when it’s time whether the horse is healthy or not. I’ll Have Another’s trainer O’Neill is set to serve a 45-day suspension next month after the California Horse Racing Board found O’Neill committing a medical violation involving one of his horses in 2010.   “We are just lucky to have an alive face of this class action law suit,” said APSCA member Nancy Perry.   “We are grateful I’ll Have...

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Spelling Bee winner prepares for life of ridicule
Jun04

Spelling Bee winner prepares for life of ridicule

  NATIONAL HARBOR, Md.- Snigdha Nandipati a 14-year-old of San Diego won the 85th Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday night when she correctly spelled the word “guetapens,” which means a trap or ambush.   Although Nandipati took home a $35,000 cash prize Thursday, Nandipati may fall victim to the guatepens that comes with winning the Spelling Bee, a lifetime of ridicule and shaming from peers.   “Well it is quite clear I can’t be schwarmerei. I understand that I have a long road ahead of me,” said Nandipati.   Schwarmerei, which means excessive enthusiasm, knocked first runner-up Stuti Mishra, 14, of West Melbourne, Fla. out of the Spelling Bee after failing to correctly spell the word.   Past Spelling Bee winners explain winning the Spelling Bee is much like winning the lottery curse.   “At first you feel elated. You’re handed a big trophy and you’re on TV, everything feels great,” said George Thampy, a 24-year-old virgin and a previous Spelling Bee champion. “Then you return to school and the next thing you know you’re getting slammed up against lockers. Everybody thinks you’re a dork and you find yourself spelling words in your head to distract your mind from the fact that your hair is emerged in a whirl pool of toilet water.”   Thampy won the Spelling Bee in 2000 by correctly spelling “demarche,” which means a move, protest or maneuver, usually by a diplomat. Today, Thampy works for a private equity firm in Chicago, but spends his free time devoted to a nonprofit that shoots “It gets better” videos for Spelling Bee champions, who get picked on throughout their youth.”   Meanwhile Nandipati is preparing for her very own onslaught of high school torture. After spending 10-12 hours on weekends and six hours on weekdays studying for the Spelling Bee, Nandipati is aware she may lack the social skills necessary to succeed.   “I have spent part of the prize money on Glee box sets and Justin Bieber albums,” said Nandipati. “I hope after a summer of studying how to be a high school kid I will blend in.”   Nandipati plans on spending the rest of the prize money on Sinbad, who will be her personal bodyguard.   “He did a pretty good job protecting the President’s kid in the First Kid,” said Nandipati. “He needed a job, so I said why not.”            ...

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Romney misspelling boosts support among tea party members
Jun04

Romney misspelling boosts support among tea party members

  WASHINGTON, D.C.- GOP nominee Mitt Romney has struggled connecting with conservatives in the Republican Party. Romney especially has struggled connecting with the Tea Party due to his previous policy positions such as Romneycare.   But a political gaffe this past week has solidified his support among both the most conservative members in the GOP and members of the Tea Party.   Romney’s campaign released the candidate’s first smartphone app last week that included a misspelling that read “A Better Amercia.”   Most political experts believed the gaffe wouldn’t have much impact on the upcoming November election. But according to the most recent MSNBC/Fox News poll the gaffe has scored Romney huge support among both conservatives and Tea Party members.   The recent poll indicates 75% of Tea Party members are now enthused about Romney as a presidential candidate, compared to last month’s poll where only 35% of members were enthused about a Romney ticket.   “Whether intentional or not the misspelling has somehow connected Romney with Tea Party voters,” said Tucker Degrassi, a political scientist at UNC Asheville State. “The misspelling may have carried momentum among those members because they often make a plethora of spelling mistakes with their signs at rallies and conventions.”   Tea Party members at rallies often have trouble spelling words such as “moron,” “socialism,” “illegal,” and other words you may learn how to spell in the fourth grade.   The same MSNBC/Fox News poll indicates support among conservatives has increased as well as 80% of conservatives are now enthused about a Romney ticket. The same poll showed last month just 60% of conservatives were enthused about Romney as a candidate.   “I think the polls reflect what we have known a long time about the GOP, you can’t be smart and win the GOP nomination or at least you can’t show that you’re smart,” said Degrassi. “John Huntsman was probably the best candidate when this race first started but he showed constituents that he thinks too much before making decisions. Romney had the same problem among voters until this week.”   The GOP has been a champion of the less intelligent for some time. Farleigh Dickinson University recently released a study that indicates watching Fox News actually makes you stupid. Sara Robinson of AlterNet wrote an article this last month how conservative worldviews crush critical thinking.   “The recent numbers shouldn’t be a surprise. The GOP prides itself in cutting education at the state level and destroying the Department of Education at the federal level,” said Degrassi. “Now we should be surprised they have difficulty spelling remedial words? George W. Bush was their...

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