Zuckerburg pokes Myspace Tom one last time, Tom unfriends Zuckerburg
May30

Zuckerburg pokes Myspace Tom one last time, Tom unfriends Zuckerburg

LOS ANGELES, CA– The Facebook IPO fiasco has cost individual investors more than $600 million. However for one investor this isn’t the first time being ‘Rick Rolled’ by Facebook’s Mark Zuckerburg.   Tom Anderson, cofounder of Myspace invested his life savings in the Facebook IPO. Anderson poured his money into the IPO at the beginning of trading May 18th at $45 dollars a share and then watched the stock drop 18 percent three consecutive days. Tom sold his share of the IPO at a significant loss at $32 a share this past Wednesday.   “Facebook seemed like a really good investment because I was friends with significant players at Facebook. I was friends with Zuckerburg on Facebook, Google Plus, and Linkedin,” said Anderson.  “I don’t understand how a friend could do this to me.”   This isn’t the first time though Zuckerburg has played a stake in Anderson’s financial future. Anderson’s social network Myspace was deemed obsolete with the advent of Zuckerburg’s Facebook.   “You know they say ‘Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.’ But I say that’s horseshit. Is there no humanity left in business?” said Anderson. “I guess I should have learned this after watching the Social Network, but bottom line Zuckerberg is an A-grade asshole.”   While Anderson lost his life savings, Zuckerburg raked in a $523 million payday the opening day of trading. Zuckerburg also tied the knot with his long-standing girlfriend Priscilla Chan the next day. Zuckerburg announced the marriage over his Facebook page and both Zuckerburg and Chen changed their relationship status to married.   “Did I like their statuses? Hell no. In fact if that jackass ever develops a dislike button, I’m going to go back and dislike the shit out of that status,” said Anderson. “I did send the beautiful couple a honey moon gift. I tagged both of them in my Facebook cover photo, which features me taking a giant shit on copies of my IPO documents. Because that is what they are worth.”   The photo has since been taken down by Facebook due to it’s inappropriate content. Anderson is currently serving a seven-day ban due to tagging Zuckerburg in a series of inappropriate status updates on Facebook. Anderson has since unfriended Zuckerburg on Facebook.   “That will show him. Nothing says screw you like an unfriend-ing” said Anderson.   The Facebook IPO closed at $28.84 Yesterday....

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Blind activist arrives in US; Says  ‘Never seen anything like it before’
May21

Blind activist arrives in US; Says ‘Never seen anything like it before’

New York, NY– Blind Chinese legal activist Chen Guangcheng arrived Saturday in New York, ending a month long diplomatic standoff between the U.S. and China. After seven years of prison and house arrest, Chen made a daring escape from his rural village in China in April and was given sanctuary inside the U.S. Embassy, triggering a U.S.-China showdown over his fate.   Earlier on Saturday, Guangcheng was told out of the blue by Chinese authorities to pack his bags and was put on a plane for the U.S. Chen was greeted with cheers when he arrived at his apartment in Manhattan’s Greenwich Village, where he will live with his family.   “For the past seven years, I have never seen the light of day,” said Chen. “Today, I can confidently say after spending the day in the United States, I have never seen anything like it before, nor will I in my life time.”   The State Department struck a late night deal Friday with China in the midst of darkness for Chen’s release.   “I’m very happy we struck a deal with China that allowed us to stay out of the rest of the world’s very judgmental eye,” said Victoria Nulan, State Department spokesman. “I honestly think Chen didn’t see this deal coming.”   Chen landed himself in trouble with China after crusading for the disabled, fighting for farmers’ rights, and fighting against forced abortions in his rural community. Chen was arrested in 2006 for charges the Chinese government fabricated, his supporters say. Chen says the freedom he has been granted in the U.S. is vastly different than his experience in China.   “There is more freedom in the U.S. than you can shake a stick at,” said Chen. “I’m just going to have to feel my way around U.S. laws to truly figure out all the freedoms I can enjoy.”   Previously, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton in Beijing for annual diplomatic discussions had struck a deal for Chen to walk free, only for him to change his mind later. That forced new negotiations between the two countries that finally lead to Chen’s release on Saturday.   “His case was difficult. But how can you turn a blind eye to a man in his situation,” said Nulan. “I do think finally we have patched things up.”   Chen’s release may of sent a much broader global statement though than one man’s quest for freedom. China has long been thought to be the world’s next super power, surpassing the U.S. in economic, diplomatic, and military might. But Chen’s escape and release challenges such thoughts.   “How does...

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Al-Qaeda ‘Airline baggage fees too high’
May14

Al-Qaeda ‘Airline baggage fees too high’

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Everyone is making tough choices to get by in the current economic climate, even al-Qaeda.   Al-Qaeda revealed to Al Jazeera Sunday that the economy has dictated how the terrorist group plans to takes down airplanes.   “We would much rather put bombs in our suitcases. Something like the bombs in that Kurt Russell movie, Executive Decision or a giant crate like Snakes on a Plane,” said al-Qaeda chief Dr. Ayman Al Zawahir. “But the truth is we just can’t afford it. Airline baggage fees are just way too damn high.”   With the typical airline charging $25 for your first bag and about $35 for your second, airline baggage fees quickly add up and the fees keep going up. The airline Spirit announced this month it will charge customers up to $200 round trip for their checked baggage. In 2008-09 the airlines collected $3.9 billion in checked-luggage fees.   “The airlines have priced us out of the suitcase bomb market. They are making it tough to be a terrorist,” said Zawhir. “The airlines high baggage fees have forced us to be creative.”   Al-Qaeda has focused their creativity on fashion. Ibrahim Hassan al-Asiri, the Saudi-born bomb-maker for al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsular first unveiled a line of vest bombs.   “The vest bombs really popped at first. But the suicide bombers complained they were too bulky, heavy, and lacked flair,” said al-Asari. “Besides vests were so pre 9-11.”   Al-Asari in response to criticism has recently rolled out a new line of underwear bombs for suicide bombers.   “The real challenge was making a bomb that gave the suicide bomber support but still allowed the jewels to breathe,” said al-Asiri. “Underwear bombing seems to be the latest spring trend. I just wish we knew whether they worked.”   Two suicide bombers have recently worn al-Asiri’s line of underwear, but U.S. security officials thwarted both. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was caught attempting to detonate plastic explosives hidden in his underwear while on board Northwest Airlines Flight 253, en route from Amsterdam to Detroit, on December 25, 2009. Abdulmutallab is currently serving life in prison without parole. Then in late April the CIA thwarted an underwear plot by an al-Qaeda affiliate that turned out to be a double agent for Saudi Arabia’s intelligence agency and a liaison for the CIA.   “You can’t trust anyone these days. He was the best man at my wedding. He was my friend,” said al-Asiri. “I even made him pinky swear he wasn’t CIA. I even checked if he had his fingers crossed behind his back. He must have crossed them when I...

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Obama’s ‘Dinner with George’ Box Office Surprise
May14

Obama’s ‘Dinner with George’ Box Office Surprise

HOLLYWOOD, CA– The Avengers raked in $103.2 million this weekend and set a second weekend box office record, which was formerly held by Avatar with $75.6 million.   However another Captain America also left his mark at the box office this past weekend. Coming in third, with $15 million, was President Barack Obama’s fundraising film, Dinner with George. The Obama sequel was bested by The Avengers and the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp film Dark Shadows that drew $28.2 million taking second for the weekend. This weekend’s Box Office results 1. The Avengers                           $103.2 million 2. Dark Shadows                         $28.8 million 3. Dinner with George               $15 million 4. Think Like a Man                   $6.3 million 5. The Hunger Games                $4.4 million 6. The Lucky One                        $4.05 million 7. Pirates! Band of Misfits        $3.1 million 8. 5-Year Engagement               $3.1 million 9. Best Exotic Marigold Hotel  $2.65 million 10. Chimpanzee                           $1.62 million “I think people were just ready for a film with a black president, where the world didn’t end,” said Roger Ebert.  “Same plot line as the previous 100 or so Obama movies. But if you find a story that works, you know what they say pound it into the ground till people don’t come no more. Romantic comedies and other films like the Rocky series have taken that idea to the extreme.”   As of March, President Obama had starred in 191 fundraising flicks, but Thursday’s box office draw was by far the largest. Even more remarkable is the $15 million was collected from one screening. Dinner with George starred A-list celebs such as George Clooney, Robert Downey Jr., Diane Von Furstenberg, Trina Turk, Barbra Streisand, James Brolin, Tobey Maguire, Billy Crystal, Jack Black, and Salma Hayek, who each paid Air Force One Studios $40,000 just to be in it.   “I think Dinner with George will be the new model for moviemaking for studios. Air Force One pays literally nothing for production and rakes in $15 million,” said Ebert. “Meanwhile Warner Bros. Pictures spends $100 million just in producing Dark Shadows and only draws $28 million. How can you look at those numbers and not adopt the Air Force One...

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Romney apologizes for insensitive remarks towards buffalo
May07

Romney apologizes for insensitive remarks towards buffalo

ARLINGTON, Va.- He said he is “not very concerned about the very poor.”   He said, “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.”   He even said about local Pittsburgh bakery Bethel Bakery’s cookies, “I’m not sure about these cookies, they don’t look like you made them. Did you make those cookies? You didn’t, did you? No. No. They came from the local 7-11 bakery or whatever.”   But this past Wednesday speaking in front of high-dollar donors at the Ritz-Carlton, Mitt Romney may have made a mistake of prehistoric proportions. Poking fun at President Obama’s campaign slogan “Forward,” Romney quipped, “Forward, what, over the cliff?”   While President George W Bush may be choking on a proverbial pretzel somewhere, others didn’t seem to find Romney’s joke so funny. The organization Buffalo Field Campaign explains the term “over the cliff” is historically offensive to buffalo. Native Americans before the advent of horses drove buffaloes in mass quantities over cliffs to their eventual demise.   “We finally reached a point in this country where buffalo are making a come back and then a man of his position goes and makes a comment like that. It’s sickening,” said Shivon White, executive director of the Buffalo Field Campaign. “He didn’t say go forward to the gas chambers. He didn’t say go forward to the nooses. Why? Because he knew it would be politically unpopular. Why pick on buffalo?”   The American buffalo, which were hunted almost to extinction in the late 19th century by white settlers, have made a surprise comeback with a population of roughly 5,000 today. Due to what was once known as a buffalo jump, the Buffalo Field Campaign deems the term “over the cliff” offensive. A buffalo jump refers to when North American Indians would herd the buffalo and drive them in mass quantities over a cliff, breaking their legs and rendering them immobile while tribe members waited below to finish them off with spears.   “Did Mitt Romney study American history? You would think the time Mormons take to explain their theory about Native Americans being a lost tribe from Israel that Romney would have heard about the plight of the buffalo at some point,” said White.   “Hey Mitt, you can’t get a buffalo burger at the 7-11. You know why? Because there are only 5,000 left!”   Romney apologized for his remarks yesterday morning on ABC’s “This Week” with George Stephanopoulos.   “I just wanted to apologize for my recent remarks in reference to over the cliff. I in no way intended to offend buffalo or the Buffalo Field Campaign, which...

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Land O’Lakes files bankruptcy, blames Deen’s diabetes
May07

Land O’Lakes files bankruptcy, blames Deen’s diabetes

ARDEN HILLS, MN– Paula Deen may have told the Huffington Post a month after she revealed to the world she had Type 2 diabetes in January that she had no regrets. But one agriculture cooperative in Arden Hills, Minn. has plenty of regrets four months later.   Land O’Lakes, one of the largest producers of cheese and butter in the world, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Friday. The agricultural cooperative, which employs around 9,000 employees, blamed a dramatic drop in butter and cheese sales for the company’s recent downturn.   “We had strong sales through the holidays, but once Paula announced she had diabetes the market turned for the worse,” said Antonio Bourdain, CEO of Land O’Lakes. “Deen’s viewers counted for over half the butter market. When she embraced the healthy kick there went the butter sticks.”   Deen before the healthy stick embraced recipes that were full of butter and cheese. For instance Deen’s 883-calorie Chocolate Cheese Fudge recipe calls for two sticks of butter and 1/2 lb. of cheddar cheese. Bourdain feels betrayed by Deen’s abandonment of chocolate covered queso recipes and others like it.   “It’s like she took a very sharp carrot and jabbed it deep into our back. I don’t understand how she can abandon the American farmer like that, when our products were the yeast to her rise in success,” said Bourdain.   Deen announced in January that she had been battling Type 2 diabetes for three years and unveiled an endorsement deal with the Danish pharmaceutical company Novo Nordisk. She and her sons, Jamie and Bobby are being paid to be the face of the “Diabetes in a New Light” campaign, which encourages patients to take Nordisk’s Victoza, a noninsulin diabetes medication, along with increase physical activity and eating healthy food.   “I’m sorry to put 9,000 people out of work y’all. But in my own way I’ve helped stimulate the economy in other ways. Through my promotion of Victoza, Novo Nordisk has been able to maintain employing 29,000 workers world wide,” said Deen.   More than 25 million Americans have diabetes with most of it being Type 2 diabetes. Deen has no idea what caused her to be diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. But experts say Deen’s cooking and her influence at the American dinner table lead to her and America’s diabetes problem.   “You promote a dish called Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding with Butter Rum Sauce which calls for two dozen donuts, 4,800 calories in just the donuts. You don’t have to do the math to figure out what the cause is,” said Dr. Mildred Calhoun, a professor of nutrition...

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