Miss USA confused by World Peace ban
Apr30

Miss USA confused by World Peace ban

MANLAPAN, NJ– After Los Angeles Lakers forward Metta World Peace delivered a vicious elbow to the head of Oklahoma City guard James Harden on April 22nd, many were calling for the end of World Peace’s career.   The National Basketball Association (NBA) instead issued World Peace a seven game ban this past Tuesday.   Miss USA Alyssa Campanella however disagrees with the NBA’s ban of World Peace.   “How can anyone ban world peace? World peace is something the Miss USA pageant and I have been working on since it was founded in 1952. Over 60 years of work towards world peace and you throw it away over a game of basketball?” said Campanella.   Campanella is worried issuing a ban on World Peace sends the wrong message and is worried the NBA’s influence may promote violence.   “Thousands of children dream about playing in the NBA. If the NBA bans world peace, then kids will think it is cool to be violent,” said Campanella. “How many bloody noses on the playground will the NBA be responsible for when this ban is finally over?”   NBA commissioner David Stern called Campanella Saturday to clarify the NBA’s justification of World Peace’s ban.   “I kindly told Miss Campanella that we hear her objections and appreciate her work to further world peace. But explained to Miss Campanella the NBA remains committed to taking necessary measures to protect the safety of NBA players, including the imposition of appropriate penalties for players with a history of on-court altercations,” said Stern.   Campanella said she appreciated Stern’s phone call and was especially shocked by World Peace’s conduct.   “When he explained to me that World Peace had thrown an elbow to the back of a player’s head and actually attacked a fan in 2004, I was horrified. I was like that’s not the world peace I know,” said Campanella. “It was like your parents telling you Santa Clause isn’t real. But I said to [Stern] the same thing I said to my parents in 2010, you have to have faith. I have faith in world peace and Santa Clause.”   Campanella seemed to be unaware the NBA’s World Peace, formerly known as Ron Artest is a NBA forward and not an ideal for humanity to strive for. Stern said several times he tried to explain to Campanella World Peace is a person.   “When he told me World Peace was a person, I was like of course world peace is a person,” said Campanella. “We have a little bit of world peace in all of us. If we all truly expressed our little piece...

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KS man finds tornadoes are bulletproof
Apr30

KS man finds tornadoes are bulletproof

  DODGE CITY, KS– Fight experts always say it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.   But let’s just say when it is man versus tornado, the tornado usually wins no matter the size of the fight in the man.   Derek Ronnebaum, a 32-year-old Dodge City, Kan. resident died Saturday attempting to defend his farmhouse from an EF-4 tornado that registered winds ranging between 166 and 200 mph. Witnesses say Ronnebaum, who was wielding a 12 gauge shotgun and an American flag, tried to take the tornado head on.     Adam Keehbauch a long time family friend recalls the tragedy as he watched from the farmhouse cellar window.   “We had been drinking Sailor Jerry in the cellar waiting for the tornado sirens to stop and then we saw through the window this giant black funnel approach the house,” said Keehbauch. “Derek just started screaming hysterically ‘not in my house, not in my house, we will protect this house.’ He grabbed the shotgun and the flag and ran outside.”   Keehbauch explains he tried to talk Ronnebuam back into the house, but Ronnebaum was persistent.   “I just watched my friend stand in the path of the tornado and scream, ‘you wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!’ Then he fired his shotgun like a big idiot,” said Keehbauch.   The tornado did say hello to Ronnebaum’s little friend as coroners found his body a mile east of the house. Ironically, Ronnebaum’s little friend may have been what killed him according to Dodge City coroner Rachel Alexander.   “It appears Ronnebaum was dead before the tornado had an opportunity to sweep him away,” said Alexander. “When Ronnebaum fired the shotgun the bullet was sucked up by the tornado and the funnel slung the bullet back with other debris that made contact with Ronnebaum’s temple.”   Family and friends could not believe that the bullet Ronnebaum fired eventually killed him.   “What a big, big idiot,” said Keehbauch.   Dodge City coroner Alexander is still determining whether to call the case a suicide or death by tornado.   Ronnebaum leaves his wife Brittany Ronnebaum and their five kids Derek Ronnebaum, Derek Ronnebaum Junior, Derick Ronnebaum, Dereka Ronnebaum, and Erek Ronnebaum....

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