Local funeral homes rejoice as Asheville is ranked No. 1 place to retire, says will bring in new clients
Feb28

Local funeral homes rejoice as Asheville is ranked No. 1 place to retire, says will bring in new clients

ASHEVILLE- For the 7th year in a row, Asheville is TopRetirments.com’s Best Place to Retire.   To which Asheville funeral homes say keep those soon to be dead bodies coming.   “We could always use more business,” said Earl Grey, funeral home director of Body Disposal Services on Patton Avenue.   “I mean in our line of work the business doesn’t really stop, but we could use a boost. I really want to take my wife to the Bahamas before I prepare her coffin if you know what I’m saying.”   The Asheville funeral home community has seen a rise in traffic to their perspective parlors over the last several years as Asheville has established itself as a top retirement destination.   But most directors explain they welcome any increase in business as profits has waned over the last several years as families have chosen to cut corners, when it comes to disposing of their loved ones due to the slumping economy.   “Even though the number of bodies we have disposed of in the last couple of years has increased, our profits have stayed around the same as more and more people are choosing cremation over burial to save that extra dollar,” said Grey.   “Times are tough and people just aren’t willing to spend the dough on a traditional coffin burial. We have offered a BOGO on all our walnut coffins for the last year and nobody will take us up on our offer. I guess nobody is willing to die together to save some cash. I personally find mutual death pacts highly erotic and romantic.”   Despite a tough economy, Grey has kept Body Disposal Services a float the last couple years by getting an upper hand on the competition.   “A top retirement town also means a top destination for funeral home directors and let me tell you we are some cut throats,” said Grey.   “We try to recruit our clients early by frequenting almost dead hotspots like Denny’s. We have signed so many clients by offering BOGO Grand Slams.”   Asheville funeral home directors are hopeful Asheville will continue to be a top retirement destination in the near future or at least until the directors pass through their own parlors.  ...

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Asheville woman disappointed in lack of small crawling plates at Asheville Small Plate Crawl
Feb27

Asheville woman disappointed in lack of small crawling plates at Asheville Small Plate Crawl

ASHEVILLE- Even though the food was excellent, Darlene Sanders didn’t crawl away from the opening night of the Asheville Small Plate Crawl completely happy.   Sanders was disappointed in the lack of small crawling plates at the Asheville Small Plate Crawl.   “I’m always amazed by the advances in dining technology and when I heard they have crawling plates now, I knew I had to attend the Asheville Small Plate Crawl,” said Sanders.   “Not one restaurant had small crawling plates. I went to several restaurants and watched the plates the whole time and the only time the plates moved was when my server served them to me and took them away. I even stared at one plate for a good fifteen minutes just to see if the movement was so small that it was not visible to the human eye and nothing.”   Sanders visited Posana Café, The Blackbird, Jack of the Wood, and French Broad Chocolate Lounge last night during the Asheville Small Plate Crawl.   “Again the food was good, I just wanted to see crawling plates,” said Sanders.   “I wanted to know if the crawling plates were battery operated or some type of nanotechnology enabled organism. I think crawling plates would be so cool because I would buy them and make them crawl right into my dishwasher.  Butt if you are not going to have small crawling plates, then the organizers of the event should change the name of the event to Asheville Small Stationary Plates.”   Sanders disappointment was overshadowed by the joy that her purchases last night contributed to the Animal Compassion Network’s Dine to be Kind event.   The Asheville Small Plate Crawl continues today and will end tomorrow evening, you can find out more about the event here.     As for Sanders she is giving the crawl one more opportunity tonight.   “I thought it over and maybe the plates are just a little gun shy when it comes to crowds,” said Sanders.   “Now that the plates have had an opportunity to get use to people, I want to see if they are willing to show their true selves and crawl right across the table. If the plates don’t, not all will be lost as I will be able to enjoy a cheap delicious meal at an Asheville...

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Asheville man confused by how beardless chef Katie Button of Curate qualifies for James Beard Award
Feb26

Asheville man confused by how beardless chef Katie Button of Curate qualifies for James Beard Award

ASHEVILLE- When it comes to beards, Jay Adobe does not discriminate between men and women.   In fact he prefers his women to be bearded.   But when Adobe heard clean-shaven chef Katie Button of Curate had been chosen as a semifinalist for the James Beard Award, Adobe was a bit perplexed.   “Beard awards should stay in the hands of the bearded community,” said Adobe.   “Let me be clear, I love Curate and think Katie Button is a wonderful chef. But give her a clean-shaven award or a food award, not a beard award. There probably isn’t a spec of hair on her face. Somewhere out there, there is a tear stuck in a beard that has been shed with the knowledge non-bearded people are now winning beard awards. ”   Button wasn’t the only Asheville chef nominated for the James Beard Award. Chef Elliot Moss of the Admiral was also named a semifinalist.   “See now Moss makes a little bit more sense, because he has that mustache going on right now,” said Adobe.   “A half beard is better than no beard my friend. But I just feel if you are going to keep your upper lip warm why disregard the rest of your face. No reason to play favorites with your face parts let the beard embrace your entire face like a blanket.”   Adobe explains he wrote a very stern letter to the James Beard Foundation asking the organization to take the word beard in their name more seriously.   Button was nominated for the James Beard Foundation’s Rising Star Chef of the Year, an award she was also nominated for last year. Moss was nominated for the James Beard Foundation’s Best Chef of the Southeast.   Finalists in each category will be announced March...

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Shaving advocates rally for right to bare arms in Asheville’s Pack Square Saturday, surprised by turnout
Feb25

Shaving advocates rally for right to bare arms in Asheville’s Pack Square Saturday, surprised by turnout

ASHEVILLE- Standing up for what you believe in can be a hairy situation.   But Andrew Kaufman had no idea so many of his fellow residents felt the same way he did about the right to bare arms, before Saturday’s rally in Pack Square.   “I just never knew there was so many of us bare arms advocates living here in Asheville,” said Kaufman.   “You would think with the hippie population the number of hairy arm folks would greatly outweigh us bare arm folks. But I showed up to Pack Square around noon and there was at least a hundred people there all holding signs about the right to bare arms.”   Kaufman says there is a stigma in the United States against shaving one’s own arms especially for men. But Kaufman was glad to see so many fellow bare arm patriots demonstrate their right to bare arms Saturday.   “The whole demonstration was just so beautiful,” said Kaufman.   “People were waving American flags and holding up signs that read ‘Don’t tread on me’ and ‘Hands off my guns.’ I totally understand the hands off my guns phrase, when I shave my arms the ladies can barely keep their hands off my biceps. Ladies I’m not a piece of meat.”   Kaufman hopes Saturday’s demonstration will encourage more men that it is ok to shave one’s own arms.   “I don’t understand the stigma personally,” said Kaufman.   “I mean most men today are now willing to shave their private parts for their ladies and if you are willing to risk cutting the jewels, you should have no fear of shaving your arms. I can’t even imagine what it is like putting after-shave on my junk.”   Finally, Kaufman hopes Saturday will be the first step in finally putting to rest the argument that shaving one’s arms leads to one getting made fun of.   “Shaving one’s arms doesn’t get you mad fun of,” said Kaufman.   “You get yourself made fun of. I mean sure the act of shaving your arms allows others to make fun of you in a specific and perhaps easier way. But it’s not the razor’s fault; it’s your fault. I shave my arms all the time and I’m never made fun of for it. Don’t legislate razors, legislate people who use razors and their arms irresponsibly.”   Gillette is currently in talks with Kaufman about possibly sponsoring future right to bare arms...

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Asheville unemployed man decides to look for job after McCrory signs bill cutting unemployment benefits
Feb21

Asheville unemployed man decides to look for job after McCrory signs bill cutting unemployment benefits

ASHEVILLE- Gov. Pat McCrory signed into law Tuesday a bill that cuts maximum weekly jobless payments from $535 to $350 on new claims beginning July 1st.   The move leaves many North Carolina residents wondering how the unemployed will manage to get by.   But for one Asheville man, the new law slashing benefits put pep in his step.   “Oh my gosh, wow, I was living such a luxurious lifestyle on $535 a week that I never saw the need to go out and look for jobs,” said Tom Freeney, a 38-year-old unemployed Asheville resident.   “But now that the state is lowering my amount to $350, I just don’t know if I can survive. Thank you Governor McCrory for the wake up call. I would have never felt the need to take care of myself if the government had never stopped taking care of me. Self reliance is cool man.”   Freeney filled out several job applications yesterday for the first time in months.   “I use to fill out job applications every day, but after taking rejection after rejection I just quit all together because the jobs just did not exist,” said Freeney.   “But I have full faith that McCrory’s solution for creating jobs by cutting unemployment benefits will work and there will be more jobs available. It just makes sense.”   Freeney plans on applying for jobs for the next month and if he doesn’t hear anything back from potential employers will move on to his old profession of robbing houses.   “A man has to eat and if I can’t get my food from Uncle Sam, unfortunately I’m going to have to take it from my neighbor,” said Freeney.   “But hey even if I do resort to robbing houses, I will still be helping McCrory out. You need cops to catch robbers. By hiring more cops to solve violence caused by poverty and survival, is just another way McCrory is creating new jobs in North Carolina.”   Finally, Freeney likes the new law slashing benefits because it will save the state and taxpayers money.   “The lower rates will mean people will have to choose between survival resources like food or health to get by,” said Freeney.   “Whether they choose to sacrifice food or health, either way poor people are going to die faster than they were under the old system. The poor dying faster means we will all save money in the long run by not having to support them over a longer lifespan.”   Freeney made sure one of his job applications was for a position in McCrory’s cabinet....

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Asheville fourth grader still in disbelief Spiderman Valentine’s card failed to get first kiss
Feb20

Asheville fourth grader still in disbelief Spiderman Valentine’s card failed to get first kiss

ASHEVILLE- You would think with a superhero at your side, you could do just about anything.   That was exactly Vance Elementary fourth grader Ben McDonald’s thought process last week as he hoped to score his first kiss with Spiderman at his side.   Armed with 32 Spiderman Valentine’s Day cards that read, “Girl, you’re all caught up in my web,” McDonald was convinced he was going to receive his first kiss this past Valentine’s Day.   “I only really like this girl named Sue, who rides the bus with me, but I didn’t want to limit my chances of getting kissed to just one girl,” said McDonald.   McDonald with his hair parted, shirt tucked in, and immersed in six squirts of his father’s cologne, handed out his Valentine’s cards to 29 of his female classmates, the lunch lady, his math teacher, and a cute fifth grader.   But McDonald failed to get his first kiss from any of his potential suitors.   “I’m not sure what went wrong,” said McDonald.   “I’d walk up to them and hand them the card and say ‘here you go.’ Then I would stand on my tippy toes, close my eyes, and pucker my lips just like I’ve seen them do it on Little Rascals. But not one girl was willing to give me a kiss. The lunch lady did give me an extra Jell-o though.”   McDonald returned home from school that day demoralized, but his mom cheered him up with a kiss on the cheek and a serving of chocolate pudding.   “My mom was like, ‘I will be your first kiss,” said McDonald.   “I told her kissing your mom doesn’t count. But the pudding was good.”   McDonald’s crush Sue is now dating a third grader named Billy, but Billy is a known player and McDonald thinks Sue will be back on the market by next week.   In the meantime, Billy is thinking ahead to Valentine’s Day 2014.   “Spiderman let me down,” said McDonald.   “I’m thinking about going with Batman cards next year. The cards read, ‘Girl, you will never be the bane of my existence.’ I have no idea what that means, but I think I will be taller next year, so I like my chances. I’m also going to save my allowances. My dad always says the key to a woman’s heart is your wallet. So I’m going to have to be able to afford a wallet by Valentine’s Day next year, if I want a kiss.”...

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