Asheville airport change becomes a headache; similar pain local man experiences driving to Atlanta for cheaper flights
Feb18

Asheville airport change becomes a headache; similar pain local man experiences driving to Atlanta for cheaper flights

ASHEVILLE- A new law transferring Asheville Regional Airport from the city to an independent agency has caused a few headaches.   Some of the pain comes from unanswered questions about whether the state or the city will be left responsible to pay $2.2 million for a land transfer mandated by the law.   The rest of the headache comes from conflicts between the city and the airport on who can serve on the airport’s governing board.   But Asheville resident Miles Davis says, “welcome to my world.”   Davis says the recent pain caused by the airport transfer is nothing compared to the last 15 years of pain Davis has experienced driving back and forth to Atlanta for cheaper airfare.   “Who is going to serve on the airport board? Who gives a rip? How about get some cheaper flights for God’s sake?” said Davis.   “All these politicians go running around and boasting, ‘we are doing this and that for the people.’ All their talk is not even worth an airline bag of peanuts. Give me a call when I can fly across the country out of Asheville and it not be at least $150 more expensive than Atlanta.”   Davis visits his mother four times a year in Los Angeles, Calif. and has never been able to fly out of Asheville, because Atlanta has always been cheaper, even including the gas money required to get to Atlanta.   “A three hour drive to Atlanta seems a lot some times to save some money, but it is just a matter of principle,” said Davis.   “I know some people will say I should support local. But that’s all fine and dandy if you can afford it. I would love to fly local. You think I love driving to Atlanta? Besides the Asheville airport is not local anymore is it? I mean it is located here, but not operated by the city. Well I don’t know what it is. What is it? This airport stuff is confusing, thankfully I have a three hour drive to Atlanta next week and a 20 minute TSA security line wait to think about it all.”   Davis suggests the Asheville Regional Airport should change its name to the Independent Regional Airport (IRA) to make the transfer clear to everyone involved. Davis’s wife however pointed out the new airport name and abbreviation may leave some people confused how exactly they would be flying in and out of their retirement accounts.   “Better make it clear there is no Roth involved here,” said Davis’s wife Betsy.   Davis will make his first of four trips...

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NASA refuses to comment on whether new Asheville Biltmore Park Town Square sign could be visible from space
Feb14

NASA refuses to comment on whether new Asheville Biltmore Park Town Square sign could be visible from space

ASHEVILLE- The Asheville City Council approved Biltmore Park Town Squares’ request to add a second sign Tuesday.   The second sign is an attempt to draw in new customers and retailers off of Interstate 26.   “We find our customer base has no idea how to use GPS, the internet, or a compass, so the signs are the best way to draw them in,” said an anonymous source with Biltmore Park Town Square.   “The beautiful part about the signs is you don’t even have to have the ability to read to know there is something huge happening here.”   The second sign measuring 962 square feet will be about three-quarters the size of the existing sign. The two signs together measure more than 2,260 square feet and over 6 times the size of an average billboard.   But just how visible will the two signs be?   Asheville resident Ann Lewis speculated last week the signs are so large one could view them form outer space.   But NASA refused to comment late Wednesday whether the retail signs could be a welcome message for visitors outside this planet.   “I’m just not sure a Barnes & Noble sign would be so inviting for extraterrestrial life, the company has a hard enough time drawing in the human species,” said Bill Crawl, a media spokesperson for NASA.   “Will the signs be visible from space? As you may know NASA hasn’t had the best funding in recent years and at this time we cannot afford to calculate whether the signs would be visible from space. However, we can ship you a case of complimentary astronaut ice cream as long as you pay for shipping.”   NASA’s refusal to calculate whether or not the signs are visible from space means humanity will just have to wait for ET to land here, so we can ask ET directly about the signs’ visibility. Our reporter tried calling ET directly, but the operator said the phone line was disconnected. ET must of forgot to pay its’ phone bill again.   In the meantime order yourself some astronaut ice cream, kick back, and enjoy the aesthetically pleasing signage of Biltmore Park Town Square. You have to hand it to the developers for going out of their way to making the signs look so much bigger than an average billboard. Kinko’s can’t even blow up images that big.   Large is art, people. After all why would people travel from all over the world to see the largest ball of twine or the largest frying pan, if large wasn’t...

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Obama admits to daydreaming about Asheville 12 Bones barbecue during State of the Union address
Feb13

Obama admits to daydreaming about Asheville 12 Bones barbecue during State of the Union address

ASHEVILLE- What is one suppose to do during an applause break but put a big cheese grin on your face and daydream about Asheville barbecue?   At least that was President Barack Obama’s strategy during the State of the Union address last night.   “Applause breaks can sometimes be a downer, especially when you know in the back of your mind the sooner you are done with the speech the more likely you are going to be able to catch the end of the Bulls game,” said Obama.   “But last night’s applause breaks were pretty pleasant. Every time Congress broke into applause I would just focus on Michelle and think mmmm smoked potato salad. Oh lord what about those blueberry chipotle ribs and John Quincy Adams man, don’t get me started on that corn pudding.”   Obama is scheduled to visit Asheville today and give a speech at the Linamar plant in South Asheville to discuss policies outlined in last night’s State of the Union. Obama is also expected to make his day dreaming a reality by putting in an order at 12 Bones Smokehouse.   Obama even used barbecue as driving positive force during last night’s speech when Republicans seemed to be visually perturbed by his comments.   “Yeah Rep. Eric Cantor had a sneer on his face all night, but I’m not even mad,” said Obama.   “Because tomorrow I get ribs in my mouth and bullshit will still be spilling out of his mouth.”   Secret service officials say POTUS has been counting down the hours till barbecue since Monday.   “When North Korea conducted their third nuclear test yesterday, Barack was just like ‘Kim Jong Un looks so depressed all the time. That guy needs some 12 Bones,” said Sam Simms, Secret Service agent.   “Obama even made us double check that we packed the presidential wet naps for this trip.”   Asheville citizens that enjoy sitting in traffic are advised to head to South Asheville today between 11:00 a.m. -1:00 p.m.  to experience the wonders of a presidential traffic...

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Asheville homeless protest Downtown mobile phone parking meters, says meters decrease opportunity for spare change
Feb12

Asheville homeless protest Downtown mobile phone parking meters, says meters decrease opportunity for spare change

ASHEVILLE- You have to adapt with the times if you are going to survive.   But how are you supposed to adapt when you don’t have the financial resources to do so?   That is what the Asheville homeless community is asking after learning of the news that the city will allow drivers to pay for downtown parking using their mobile phones on all metered spaces.   “If people can pay for parking via phone, who is going to carry spare change anymore?” said Richard Wilcox, a homeless man doubling as a failed kazoo player.   “Spare change is how we get by. What are we supposed to do now?”   Wilcox banded together with several of his homeless colleagues late Monday afternoon to protest the new mobile phone parking meters in Pack Square.   The protesters held signs that read ‘Mobile phone parking kills puppies,’ ‘Don’t text while parking,’ and ‘The robots are coming for you next.’   “This is how the robot invasion starts man,” said Wilcox.   “They eliminate the weak and the people no one will notice first. But they will go after you eventually and you are just feeding their army with your mobile phone charges.”   But one Asheville homeless woman is embracing the change the mobile phone pay meters will bring.   “Will there be less change available? Sure,” said Jill Hope, a homeless woman and ex yoga instructor.   “But that is why I have invested in a credit card reader. Now when people say they don’t have any money, I one up them by asking for their credit card. Then people are stuck in a really awkward position, because who walks around with literally no form of payment? The money goes directly into my PayPal account. Much more convenient than lugging around and counting all that spare change.”   Hope plans to ask the Asheville City Council to pay for her credit card reader since she wouldn’t have had to buy one if the city didn’t make changes to the parking meters. As for a robot invasion, Hope explains Wilcox is just special.   “Wilcox has never been the same since he failed to get into Juliard for kazoo playing,” said Hope.   “He goes on rants about robots, unicorns, Vietnam, and pancakes all the time. That guy needs...

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Hall Fletcher School adopts year round schedule: Asheville mom not looking forward to dealing with kids every 9 weeks
Feb11

Hall Fletcher School adopts year round schedule: Asheville mom not looking forward to dealing with kids every 9 weeks

ASHEVILLE- A parent’s love is said to be unconditional.   But that doesn’t mean that prevents such parent from admitting their children are a big pain in the ass.   Asheville mom Nancy Rider knows her kids are a big pain in the ass and that is why Rider is not looking forward to Hall Fletcher School’s adoption of a year round schedule.   “Oh the thought of seeing my kids more often is just unbearable,” said Rider.   “I have a hard enough time getting them to play outside during the summer. How in the world and I’m going to convince them to play outside during fall and winter breaks? I’m going to start stocking on ibuprofen now.”   The Asheville School Board approved the creation of a “balanced calendar” for Hall Fletcher beginning in the summer of 2014. The “balanced calendar” includes a six-week summer, plus three-week fall, winter, and spring breaks between nine-week periods.   The “balanced calendar” approach is touted as a way to improve student test scores.   But Rider asks what about the sanity of parents?   “I use the school year to hibernate like a bear, so I can deal with the craziness of the summer,” said Rider.   “Momma bear needs her sleep. Now you are going to mess with my sleep schedule? Oh my poor husband.”   Rider though admits she is lucky as a stay at home mom.   “I can’t imagine trying to schedule day care to fit the new schedule,” said Rider.   “I may have a headache more often, but at least my wallet won’t be suffering.”   To prepare for the 2014 transition Rider has enrolled herself into several yoga and meditation courses. Rider admits that it is probably not healthy to consider her kids a huge pain in the ass and wants to learn how to embrace the pain her kids bestow upon her.   “You would think the pain from labor would be enough?” said Rider.   “But no, they just have to constantly test mommy’s patience. Maybe it will get better when they are teenagers. Haha, who am I...

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No more Saturday mail: Asheville man not sure what he will do with one less day of credit card pre-approval letters
Feb07

No more Saturday mail: Asheville man not sure what he will do with one less day of credit card pre-approval letters

ASHEVILLE- One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.   While most individuals throw away their junk mail, Asheville resident Derek Finney looks forward to his junk mail six days a week.   So when the United States Postal Service announced yesterday they were ending Saturday mail service, Finney was left speechless.   “Oh so they act like they are all tough with this ‘we will deliver rain or shine’ business and yet, they can only do it five days a week?” said Finney.   “How tough are you now USPS? What’s next? You going to take a snow day like all these wimpy teachers and kids, who can’t drive if there is a spec of snow on the ground? Back in the day delivering the mail use to mean something.”   Finney says he feels rejected by USPS, which is just an added bonus to the pile of rejection, Finney feels every day.  Junk mail was the one area in life, where Finney felt like he was accepted.   “All my life I have felt rejected,” said Finney.   “My parents never loved me. My ex left me for a guy that can’t even spell his first name. My own dog refuses to sleep in the same bed with me. But credit card companies have always been there for me. Nothing is more beautiful then reading ‘Dear Mr. Finney you have been approved.’ Life may not love me, but MasterCard, Visa, and American Express do. Now the post office is trying to get in the way of our relationship.”   Finney says the post office is probably just jealous of him since no credit card company in the world would approve USPS based on their credit score. USPS lost 16 billion dollars in revenue last year.   Finney plans on signing up for credit cards via the Internet to make up for the lost approval via mail and abruptly ended his mail service yesterday.   “It will be tough not to see Roger, my mailman every day,” said Finney.   “But if the mail is going to reject me, I’m going to reject the...

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