Chick-fil-A considering opening up drive-thru directly on Merrimon Avenue during traffic jams
Jan29

Chick-fil-A considering opening up drive-thru directly on Merrimon Avenue during traffic jams

ASHEVILLE- Stuck in traffic on Merrimon Avenue?   Go ahead and let it rip my friend.   “What in the world are you doing jackass? Are you kidding me? Hey any day now? Oh Jesus fricking cheese and rice!”   Now don’t you feel better?   You know what would make you feel even better? A Chick-fil-A cookies and cream milk shake to lube up your vocal cords for your inside the car shouting voice.   Well at least Chick-fil-A thinks so.   Asheville residents are concerned the introduction of Harris Teeter and Trader Joe’s will make an already congested Merrimon Avenue a constant traffic jam.  Furthermore, the possibility of adding two fast-food drive-thrus in the area, one of which rumored to be Chick-fil-A, had residents up in arms at last Tuesday’s City Council meeting.   However, Chick-fil-A believes they have an idea that will win over residents. Chick-fil-A plans on proposing to the City Council on February 12 a drive-thru right on top of Merrimon Avenue.   “We figured if everybody is going to be stuck in traffic on Merrimon anyways, why require people to turn off of Merrimon to get our food and then try to get back on after ordering?” said Dan Cathy, President of Chick-fil-A.   “Let’s kill two birds with one stone, two golden fried juicy tender bird filets from Chick-fil-A of course, and open up shop right on Merrimon. We could have car hops take people’s order, while they are stuck in traffic and get them their food as they inch their way down the road.”   Cathy believes opening a location on Merrimon will reduce traffic congestion an additional drive-thru off Merrimon would cause and reduce traffic stress, which could save your life. A Pennsylvania State University found that daily stresses like traffic could increase your risk of chronic health conditions like heart disease by over 40 percent.   “Here at Chick-fil-A we do everything we can to make the customer feel comfortable,” said Cathy.   “If that means also saving your life through reduced stress, well I’m just glad God lets us do the work we were meant to do. Not to mention think of the reduction of hand injuries. Most drivers in traffic jams not only yell, but also pound their steering wheel or dash. If they have a shake in their hand, now they can only injure one hand on their steering wheel.”   Chick-fil-A is currently studying how they can keep their carhops safe as they weave in and out of traffic. One idea on the table is to require all carhops to wear the Chick-fil-A cow costume...

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Local Mom concerned Recycle Asheville’s ‘Cookie Monster’ Recycling Bins may promote childhood obesity
Jan28

Local Mom concerned Recycle Asheville’s ‘Cookie Monster’ Recycling Bins may promote childhood obesity

ASHEVILLE- Natasha Rollins usually isn’t in favor of throwing an item in the trash, especially if she can recycle the item instead.   But when it comes to Recycle Asheville’s logo of a Cookie Monster recycling bin, Rollins wants to throw that logo straight into the trash.   “I respect what Recycle Asheville is trying to do, but this Cookie Monster recycling bin is downright deplorable,” said Rollins, a 38-year-old Asheville resident and mother of two.   “Childhood obesity is becoming a growing problem in the U.S. and this depiction of Cookie Monster eating cookies is only going to make that problem worse. Kids are going to see that and say, ‘hey this environmentally conscious contraption is eating cookies. I like the environment. I like cookies. I should eat cookies, because I want to help the environment.’ Kids are so analytical these days and it is just making them fat.”   Rollins suggests Recycling Asheville should either replace Cookie Monster with a blueberry character or other healthy blue food like water. Rollins says she would even be fine with Cookie Monster, as long as Recycling Asheville feeds Cookie Monster with some organic vegetables.   “I totally understand why Recycle Asheville’s logo couldn’t be Cookie Monster eating aluminum cans,” said Rollins.   “After all we don’t want our kids eating aluminum cans. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t raise goats. Although I’m pretty sure I read somewhere aluminum is a healthy mineral, the kiddos would probably cut themselves while trying to chow down on a Diet Coke can.”   A representative with Recycling Asheville, Captain Planet was unavailable for comment regarding the logo. Captain Planet said he was too busy trying to prevent cows from farting. Cow gas or methane is the number two contributor of greenhouse gases that cause climate change.   Recycling Asheville is a recent movement to get City Council to prioritize recycling bins in downtown Asheville and to be recycling by 2014. You can find more about Recycling Asheville here or contact Ty Hallock of Top Floor Studios, who has organized the movement....

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Downtown Asheville Building Collapses, Friends say building was contemplating ending it for long time now
Jan25

Downtown Asheville Building Collapses, Friends say building was contemplating ending it for long time now

ASHEVILLE- When a building at 15 Carolina Lane collapsed to its’ death around 2:15 p.m. yesterday, it shook nearby office workers as they felt the impact of the collapse.   But friends of 15 Carolina Lane were not surprised to hear about 15 Carolina Lane’s demise as friends say the building had been considering ending its’ life early for a long time now.   “You know 15 was kind of a loner,” said 62 N. Lexington Avenue, the building that houses the Asheville French restaurant Bouchon.   “Us buildings would throw parties and 15 just kind of always stood there, not really wanting to socially interact with anyone. 15 was a real stiff, you know always upright and held the same posture. I think 15 was in a lot of pain.”   Nearby buildings say 15 was always complaining about the pain and how it was too much to handle.   “Oh 15 truly embraced the Asheville spirit,” said 62 N. Lexington Avenue.   “15 didn’t believe in Western medicine and refused to see a doctor. 15 always complained about how it felt like it was being eaten alive on the inside. Yesterday certainly didn’t shock us buildings, when we heard 15 finally ended it. 15 is not in pain anymore and that is all that matters.”   The eaten inside feeling can be explained as workers had been already doing demolition work on the inside of 15 Carolina Lane before it collapsed.   As of 11:59 p.m. last night the coroners had yet to rule 15 Carolina Lane’s death as a suicide.  The Asheville Fire Department did not recover a suicide note at the scene as they dug through the rubble for potential victims.  No one was injured in the collapse.   15 Carolina Lane lived to be 96-years-old. Downtown Asheville buildings plan on remembering 15 Carolina Lane by engaging in a moment of silence tomorrow at noon. So if the buildings are extra quiet tomorrow, now you know...

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DOD approves women in combat, China makes plans to invade U.S. at low point of menstrual cycle
Jan24

DOD approves women in combat, China makes plans to invade U.S. at low point of menstrual cycle

WASHINGTON D.C.- Conservatives will be touting the ‘I told you so’ swag at the office today.   Upon the news the U.S. military will now allow women in combat, top Chinese generals have been working around the clock to plan a U.S. invasion during the military’s menstrual bleeding period.   “We don’t understand very much about female anatomy, but we do know now, the best time to attack the U.S. is when their military is suffering from menstrual bleeding,” said Senior Colonel Liu Mingfu, a Chinese military officer with the National Defense University.   “We believe during menstrual bleeding overall U.S. troop moral will be low, due to the moodiness of their fellow combat troops. Not to mention, the U.S. will be wasting valuable time and resources dropping tampons from the sky in combat zones such as Afghanistan.”   Chinese officials have hired top-notch astrologists to read the stars to predict when the U.S. military would suffer from a menstrual bleeding period.   “We know that it has to happen within a month, because that is what women are referring to when they say it is their time of the month,” said Liu.   “The question our astrologists are trying to answer is what exactly is that time?”   News about possible invasion has ordinary U.S. citizens weighing in on the Department of Defense’s recent decision to allow women in combat.   “I know it seems like our military is pretty badass with all the nuclear weapons, F-22’s, and drones,” said Bob Remer, a Candler, North Carolina resident.   “But now that we have allowed women in combat, the worlds sees us as a bunch of sissies. China wants to invade us now and I hope and pray the largest nuclear stockpile in the world can save us.”   Remer suggests recruiting a bunch of male bodybuilders to prove that despite having women, the U.S. military is still strong.   “Perhaps the bodybuilders could tweet how much they squat,” said Remer.   “Nothing would scare the Chinese like a guy squatting 450 lbs.”   Remer blames Hollywood liberals and the stunning performance of Demi Moore in GI Jane for the recent decision to allow women in combat.   UPDATE- The Chinese government has purchased large screen projectors to play the Notebook during the U.S. invasion.   Chinese officials hope the emotions of the Notebook will heighten the debilitating effect of the menstrual bleeding on US combat troops.   The U.S. Department of Defense responded quickly by purchasing silencing headphones to block the sweet, sweet voice of Ryan...

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City Council passes food security plan, Asheville mall cop hopes to guard your dinner plate as alternative
Jan23

City Council passes food security plan, Asheville mall cop hopes to guard your dinner plate as alternative

ASHEVILLE- I have always thought when I order a $46 Cowboy Ribeye steak from Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, that for the price it should probably come with its own security entourage.   Now with all the dialogue about food security in Asheville, I just may get a security entourage for my steak.   The Asheville City Council passed the Food Action Plan 6-0 at last night’s meeting, which includes a focus on food security, food deserts, and local food production when making decisions about development.   However, Asheville mall cop Bert Haney thinks more can be done about food security and he think he is the man that can do it.   “It is time for people to start thinking about the security of their food in their own homes,” said Haney.   “People buy home security systems, they have alarms for their cars, they put their money in a vault, but they disregard the one thing that keeps them going daily, which is the food they put in their stomachs. You ever come home to a half empty Oreo package, but you swore the night before you only ate one or two Oreos out of that freshly opened package? That’s not your mind playing tricks on you. You were robbed my friend.”   Haney is in the process of developing a food security system company called Nobodys Gonna Lay a Finger on My Butterfinger. The company will offer one food cop per household armed with a taser, nightstick, and flashlight to protect all food products within the confines of the home.   “I’ve been trained to shoot a taser from 12 feet away,” said Haney.   “Oh what’s that your husband wants to steal your last fry from your dinner plate, while you are not looking? I don’t think so pal. Boom there I am to taser him from across the dining room table. Enjoy that last, oh so luscious fry Ma’am courtesy of Lieutenant Haney.”   The food security system also trains food cops to divert indirect threats to food security.   For instance, if your neighbor was to come over to ask for a cup of sugar, the food cops have been trained to say, “get your own, this is isn’t some sugar cane field,” and then directs the neighbor to the closest grocery store.   The food cops will even follow you dining out.   “We are there to make sure you never forget your leftovers at the table and to ward off the panhandlers asking for food on your way back to the car,” said Haney.   “Our cops attended an NFL fantasy camp this...

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PETA protests inhumane Cherokee bear pits, Owners say not inhumane, bears have adopted BDSM lifestyle
Jan22

PETA protests inhumane Cherokee bear pits, Owners say not inhumane, bears have adopted BDSM lifestyle

ASHEVILLE- Looks can be deceiving.   The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protested the Chief Saumooke Bear Park in Cherokee on January 12th calling for the government to shut down the zoo due to what looks like cruel treatment of the bears.   PETA’s complaint adds on to the mounting pressure to shut down the zoo after the U.S. Department of Agriculture alleged last year the zoo had failed to provide the bears with adequate shelter and veterinary care.   But zoo owner Kole Clapsaddle says he is just giving the bears what they want.   “Look these bears like a little darkness in their bedroom,” said Clapsaddle.   “I’m all for sexual freedom and these bears have adopted a sadism and masochism lifestyle. Pain really turns them on. What we do is no different than sex shops providing whips and handcuffs. Some people see our treatment as cruelty, but if you ask the bears this is exactly what they want.”   The Citizen Thymes’ bear translator was on vacation, but a Brown Bear did leave us with what we can only assume is an answer.   “Growl, snarl, growl, sniff, sniff,” said Brown Bear.   The bears’ adoption of a BDSM lifestyle lends further credibility to Charlie Gordon Earll’s, a media spokesperson for Focus on the Family, theory that bears are starting to mimic certain human attributes. You can read more about Earll’s theory here.   But Clapsaddle says it doesn’t matter how the bears found to enjoy a BDSM lifestyle, instead all that matters is the bears are allowed to practice BDSM freely.   “Do you want people busing into your bedroom telling you how to have an intimate relationship with your wife?” said Clapsaddle.   “No? Then don’t try to regulate the bears’ bedroom. This is a free country and if bears want to slap each other around to get their jollies off, then it is there God given birth right. Harming the animals? Please we are fostering the perfect environment for cub making.”   Clapsaddle has ordered several sex swings, blindfolds, and electroshock nipples for the bears that should arrive next week....

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