Asheville child makes mud man since the weatherman lied about snow
Jan21

Asheville child makes mud man since the weatherman lied about snow

ASHEVILLE- Normally you wouldn’t think the local weatherman is in the business of crushing and destroying children’s dreams.   But after meteorologists predicted three to five inches of snow for the Asheville area this past Thursday that never came, six-year-old Billy Rider was left holding his pair of mittens staring out his living room window, with tears rolling down his face.   “How could the weatherman do this to me?” said Rider.   “He promised snow and lots of it. I wanted to build a snowman.  He is a liar. My mom said lying is a sin. She says it says so in the bible. Guess what weatherman? There is no snow in hell either, because it’s hot and the devil doesn’t let you do fun things like build a snowman.”   Expecting snow, Rider had gone shopping with his mother during the day Thursday to acquire supplies for the snowman including a carrot, coal, and a scarf.   But when the snow never came, Rider was left with snowman supplies and his own imagination.   “I wasn’t going to let the weatherman ruin my weekend,” said Rider.   “So I built a mud man instead. I think it was a good alternative considering my resources, besides if I didn’t do it, I was afraid my mom was going to make me eat the carrot. I hate carrots. I think my dad was a little mad I dug up the front yard to do it though.”   As of Sunday evening the mud man had dried up turning into a dirt man.   “He went from looking like my friend Bert to my grandpa in two days,” said Rider.   Muddy the mud man turned dirt man’s luck made a turn for the worst shortly after our reporter left the Rider residence, as the family’s golden retriever took a rather large bite out of Muddy’s abdomen. Mother Nature has listed Muddy in critical condition and Muddy may not make it to next weekend.   If you would like to make a donation to Muddy’s relief fund, you can make one here. All proceeds will go to Rider in order to help pay for the next carrot needed to make a snowman, if it ever snows...

Read More
NCDOT battling mudslides, Asheville woman doesn’t see the big deal, really likes a stiff drink every now and then
Jan21

NCDOT battling mudslides, Asheville woman doesn’t see the big deal, really likes a stiff drink every now and then

ASHEVILLE- Heavy rainfalls lead to multiple mudslides throughout Western North Carolina last week.   The North Carolina Department of Transportation is working hard to clear the debris to get the roads back open as quickly as possible.   But Asheville resident Deidra Powers doesn’t understand the rush to clean up the mudslides.   “I personally enjoy mudslides,” said Powers.   “Mudslides are a pretty stiff drink and they go down pretty smooth. Sure mudslides pack a lot of calories, but in moderation should be fine.”   Powers has written a letter to the NCDOT offering assistance in helping clean up the mudslides.   “I’ve cleaned up a mudslide or two in my day,” said Powers.   “I’m somewhat of a mudslide aficionado. I would love to serve my state by cleaning up some mudslides, as long as the state of North Carolina is willing to pay for my hangover supplies.”   Powers has yet to hear back from NCDOT. In the meantime Powers plans on training for her cleaning duties by drinking a mudslide every...

Read More
James Franco back in town, pushing number of aspiring terrible writers in Asheville to 10,000
Jan15

James Franco back in town, pushing number of aspiring terrible writers in Asheville to 10,000

ASHEVILLE- Oh what’s that, you want to write a book or a screenplay?   Join the club my friend.   Hollywood actor and Warren Wilson student James Franco arrived back in Asheville last week pushing the number of aspiring terrible writers in Asheville to 10,000 according to the Asheville Terrible Writer Census.   “There are 10,000 of us in this town. Wow I can’t believe there are 10,000 egotistical, self-loathing people in Asheville that hate their full-time job that pays the bills,” said Mark Holiday.   “I guess writers are attracted to the scenery. They think if they connect with the wilderness they will find their true inner self. You know what I found? A minimum wage job and food stamps.”   Holiday is currently writing what he calls the next great American novel, a story about his love affair with an Asheville woman that broke his heart, after leaving him for another woman.   Jessica Long also shares Holiday’s pain of being a terrible aspiring Asheville writer.   “It seems real easy at first,” said Long.   “You start a blog, get a bunch of Twitter and Facebook fans, then companies will want to advertise on your blog, and finally some book agent will find your website and gives you a book deal. Lord was I wrong. It is really hard around the holidays with family members asking how your writing career is going.”   Long gave up her dream of being a writer a long time ago by prioritizing writing in her mind as just a hobby and something she just enjoyed to do.   “What can I say dressing up your current plight instead of accepting failure is much easier to take,” said Long.   “We can’t all be Emerson, but we can be the dopes that convince ourselves that are 8-5 job is good enough and true happiness is enjoying mind numbing CBS sitcoms with a spouse that hates you, nightly.”   The Asheville Aspiring Terrible Writer support group meets weekly on Monday nights at the Bojangles on Merrimon Avenue.   “Nothing like sweet tea to bring out the inner Southern gentleman scholar in my work,” said Holiday.   James Franco has yet to attend a support group meeting.   “When you make millions you can convince yourself of anything, poor guy thinks he is good with a quill and paper,” said Holiday.   A staff member of the Citizen Thymes found this article very depressing and is thinking about going back to school for something more practical than...

Read More
Poll: 10% of Asheville residents agree with Bothwell, Councilman Marc Hunt makes them want to puke, 80% who is Marc Hunt?
Jan14

Poll: 10% of Asheville residents agree with Bothwell, Councilman Marc Hunt makes them want to puke, 80% who is Marc Hunt?

ASHEVILLE- A new Fox News/Citizen Thymes poll reveals only a small number of Asheville residents agree with Asheville City Council member Cecil Bothwell’s claim that fellow Council member Marc Hunt makes him want to puke.   Fox News/Citizen Thymes took a random scientific and religious poll of 1,000 Asheville residents showing them a picture of Council member Marc Hunt’s face and whether the picture gave them the urge to vomit. Only 10 percent of respondents had the urge to puke after seeing Hunt’s face, while 80 percent of respondents had no idea who Hunt was.   “Who is that? Is he a professional wrestler?” asked Asheville resident Tom White.   “I could see how that cheese grin could make some people want to vomit, but I have a pretty strong stomach.”   The Citizen Times, the Citizen Thymes’ little sister publication, reported on an email Bothwell sent to Hunt in September following the City Council’s approval of the McKibbon Hotel Group’s proposal to build a hotel on Haywood Street near the Basilica of St. Lawrence. In the email Bothwell communicated to Hunt, “You make me want to puke.”   Asheville resident Becky Riggs agrees that the sight of Hunt makes her want to vomit.   “Oh God, don’t ask questions too loudly, yes the guy in the picture makes me want to vomit,” said Riggs.   “Everything makes me want to vomit right now. I think I had too much to drink last night. I’m never drinking again. Do you have any Advil?”   The next Asheville City Council meeting will be Tuesday, January 22.  The Citizen Thymes will have a reporter present to see if Bothwell actually vomits at the sight of Hunt.   An anonymous source says there will be a vomit bucket on hand at the meeting if Bothwell does blow chunks.   Does City Council member Marc Hunt make you want to puke?   Let us know in the...

Read More
Asheville man writes thank you letter to Exxon Mobil for ‘global warming’ warm January weekend
Jan14

Asheville man writes thank you letter to Exxon Mobil for ‘global warming’ warm January weekend

ASHEVILLE- Enjoy your warm January weekend Asheville?   Well so did Asheville resident Bill Hader.   In fact Hader enjoyed his warm weekend so much that he spent Saturday afternoon on his porch writing a thank you letter to Exxon Mobil.   Hader shared his letter with the Citizen Thymes before shipping it off:   Dear Exxon Mobil,   I just wanted to take a moment out of my usually warm January day and give thanks to your company for providing enough greenhouse gases that I can walk my dog in January, without the assistance of a hoodie.   I have to admit I have not always been the biggest fan of your company, especially after paying $3.23 a gallon this past Friday to fill up my car.  But now I see I shouldn’t fret about paying high gas prices, when in a way I’m paying to improve my own lifestyle by enjoying a warm January weekend.  God I love paying $3.23 a gallon!   If this warming trend continues, I am concerned that there may not be any snow in the future and I kind of do enjoy skiing from time to time. But I probably shouldn’t ski due to the fact I have really bad knees. There you go again Exxon, thank you for saving my knees!   Finally Exxon, I want to thank you contributing to the release of carcinogens in the atmosphere.  Enjoying my daily three-mile run on clean air was too easy for me in the past. Having to now breathe in toxins and do the run has made my runs challenging. Thank you Exxon for challenging me to do my best.   So again thank you for everything and as a thank you gift I would like to invite you to my backyard pool party in February. It is a potluck, so bring a casserole if you can. But don’t fret over bringing a dish, because seriously you have already done so much to help my life and this planet.   Sincerely,     Bill Hader   P.S. Don’t forget to bring a towel and...

Read More
City will tear down ice house, Asheville man says waste of money, let it melt instead
Jan10

City will tear down ice house, Asheville man says waste of money, let it melt instead

ASHEVILLE- The Asheville City Council voted in favor 5-1 for the demolition of the historic ice house building Tuesday night.   The demolition is expected to cost taxpayers $145,000.   But Asheville man Tom Stevens has a cheaper proposal that will cost taxpayers nothing.   The idea? Let the ice house melt.   “The spring and summer heat wave will get here eventually and with it the power to melt a structure made of ice,” said Stevens.   “No reason to spend all that money on cranes and bull dozers in a tight economy. Besides we could collect all the water runoff from the melt and put it back in the City of Asheville’s water supply.”   Stevens, who received an A- in Chemistry his junior year of high school, is confident enough heat will get the job done.   “This is basic science,” said Stevens.   “If you don’t believe me just watch Inconvenient Truth. All those glaciers at the North Pole are melting because it is too hot outside. If heat can take down a glacier, surely heat can take down a building made of ice.”   After fact checking with Asheville city officials it appears the ice house is not made of ice, but instead brick and mortar. The ice house derives it name from the ice plant that was once operating inside the building.   The revelation that the ice house is not made of ice makes the previous 233 words a completely worthless read. Thanks a lot Tom Stevens! If you would like to write an angry letter to Stevens for wasting your time, click...

Read More