Asheville baby-bear boom expected, Focus on the Family blames pre-marital sex, gay bears
Jan09

Asheville baby-bear boom expected, Focus on the Family blames pre-marital sex, gay bears

ASHEVILLE- Experts are predicting more cubs in the spring this year due to an abundance of food sources and a significant drop in hunting yields of bears in WNC.   The cub explosion will likely bring in a wave of cuteness and adorableness come spring.   But Focus on the Family doesn’t think this expected rise of cubs out of wedlock is cute or adorable at all.   “We just think it is a tragedy to know all these cubs will be raised without a father,” said Carrie Gordon Earll, media spokesperson for Focus on the Family.   “As a nation we have lost touch with our family values. With the rise of premarital sex and the rejection of traditional marriage, we can’t help but see bears have looked at our culture as an example and we are failing bears not only in North Carolina, but everywhere.”   Focus on the Family explains bears mimic human culture. Focus on the Family claims the rise in single parents in the United States has risen at the same rate as single parents in bear culture. Furthermore, Focus on the Family points to the fact that bears have adopted a gay lifestyle is a good example of how human culture impacts bear culture.   “We have heard that there is gay bears now,” said Earll.   “These gay bears have completely rejected their heritage and we hear that they hang out at bars, instead of foraging in the woods for berries. Our lack of disregard of family values has encouraged Winnie the Pooh to have a drinking problem. That is just plain sad. A woman in my congreagation said her son tried to date a gay bear once.”   Focus on the Family encourages everyone that is skeptical of their theory to just watch the documentary Ted to see how far bear culture has dwindled.   A message was left with Christopher Robin, Winnie the Pooh’s owner, asking for comment about his toy bear’s drinking problem was not returned Tuesday night.   Focus on the Family is asking for donations to pay for their March mission trip that will encourage mother bear’s to breast-feed. You can make a donation...

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Asheville man offers personal raft as alternative to New Belgium trucks in West Asheville
Jan08

Asheville man offers personal raft as alternative to New Belgium trucks in West Asheville

ASHEVILLE- What is the obsession with roads?   That is what one Asheville man wants to know of New Belgium Brewery’s options for getting its beer from the brewery on Craven Street to distributors.   A traffic study performed by the City of Asheville recommended the New Belgium trucks use Haywood Road as the primary route from Craven Street. While opponents of the City’s recommendation have offered alternative routes to reduce truck traffic on Haywood Road.   But Asheville resident Tank Colbert doesn’t think New Belgium needs to use the roads at all. Colbert is offering his 12 x 12 foot, homemade raft, made out of Pigsah Forest dead wood, as an alternative to transport New Belgium beer out of the city.   “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads,” said Colbert.   “Who needs roads when we have the beautiful French Broad River to navigate? Now I won’t charge New Belgium very much since they’re creating jobs in the area. Just one case of beer for each trip down the river and a handgun to ward off river pirates and otters.”   Colbert has been using his personal raft to give Tank’s Hope It Floats River Tours the last ten years to unsuspecting tourists, but is ready for a change of pace due to his clients always complaining about him drinking on the job.   “My clients were always complaining about me drinking,” said Colbert.   “But we are floating a bloody river, mate. There is water literally all around us. You’re bound to get thirsty with all this water.”   Colbert has yet to contact New Belgium about his plan. Colbert is currently preparing a presentation about his idea to present to the Asheville City Council on January 22. The City Council is expected to review the process of the New Belgium Brewery that night.   “Where does one get poster board in this town?” said Colbert.   “Maybe my mum will let me borrow her computer and I could make one of those fancy slide show things.”   New Belgium was probably available for comment, but the reporter assigned to this story was too busy checking his Facebook status to care. The status “at the gym” received two likes and one comment, “fat ass,” left by his high school buddy, who has a serious disregard for people’s feelings....

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Asheville Police: High Winds suspected of murdering UNCA Crab Apple Tree still on the loose
Jan07

Asheville Police: High Winds suspected of murdering UNCA Crab Apple Tree still on the loose

ASHEVILLE- The Asheville Police Department still has had no luck capturing the High Winds that is suspected of murdering an iconic crab tree on the UNC Asheville quad on December 21.   Asheville Police Chief William Anderson says authorities have been working diligently to track down leads, but has yet to capture the High Winds.   “The suspect was last seen on the campus exiting north at 47 mph on the evening of December 21,” said Anderson.   “The suspect is described as colorless, slightly frigid, and was armed heavily with random leaves and other debris. If anybody has any leads on the whereabouts of High Winds please contact the Asheville Police Department immediately.”   High Winds is suspected of murdering a 49-year-old crab tree that was found dead on the UNC Asheville quad the morning of December 22. The Arbor Day foundation is offering a $1,000 reward for any leads in the case.   After discovering the 49-year-old crab tree unconscious on December 22, UNC Asheville grounds crew tried to resuscitate the crab tree with water, until UNC Asheville grounds superintendent and landscape director Melissa Acker stepped in.   “Unfortunately the crab tree had signed a Do Not Resuscitate order,” said Acker.   “It was tough to let the tree die, but we had to respect the patient’s wish. The crab tree is in a better place now.”   The UNC Asheville grounds crew removed the crab tree’s remains from the quad Friday and hope to use the crab tree’s body parts to build some type of memorial. This has stirred a bit of controversy as some suspect the crab tree wished to be cremated instead.   The crab tree was survived by its companion, the other crab tree, and a squirrel that always use to tickle the crab tree underneath its right...

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Asheville Senior Citizen not sure life is worth living anymore with ban of video sweepstakes machine
Jan07

Asheville Senior Citizen not sure life is worth living anymore with ban of video sweepstakes machine

ASHEVILLE- The statewide ban on video sweepstakes machines went into effect this past Thursday.   As a result Asheville senior citizen Mildred Kennedy is now considering a ban on life.   “What am I supposed to do now?” said Kennedy.   “Play bingo? I won’t be caught dead at a bingo hall. Bingo is for those old folks, who want to run their mouth about the recent Viagra episode at the retirement home. I think the ban is a sign from God it is my time to go.”   Kennedy often frequented Lucky’s Sweepstakes in Candler before the ban went into effect. Kennedy is well aware she could make an hour drive to Harrah’s Cherokee to do some gambling, but is afraid cruise control won’t get her there safely.   “I can’t even back out of my own driveway without hitting the mailbox,” said Kennedy.   “The only reason I went to Lucky’s is because it was a straight shot, plus not a lot of children in the area so the risk of hitting a child was very low. If I drove to Harrah’s I would go straight off the embankment.”   Kennedy plans on living out the rest of her days watching VHS tape recordings of her favorite show Wheel of Fortune, eating three healthy meals of grilled cheese sandwiches, and drinking as much gin as possible.   “I just feel bad for all those people who will lose their jobs,” said Kennedy.   “With the unemployment rate like it is, I can’t believe they would get rid of something that creates jobs. As for me, I will be fine. The gin has to get to my liver at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later.”   UPDATE- This morning Kennedy was arrested and cited with a DUI after parking her 1991 Lincoln Town Car in her neighbor’s front yard. Officers reported there was a strong smell of gin on her...

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CITIZEN THYMES EXCLUSIVE- 3 Rejected Asheville Tea Party Raffle Prizes
Jan04

CITIZEN THYMES EXCLUSIVE- 3 Rejected Asheville Tea Party Raffle Prizes

ASHEVILLE-  The Asheville Tea Party will go ahead with the “Great Gun Giveaway” raffle this Sunday in the parking lot of the WNC Agricultural Center during the Land of Sky Gun and knife show, despite criticism from outlets such as the Huffington Post that the giveaway seemed insensitive due to the recent shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, Conn.   While the recent raffle prize of DPMS Panther Oracle AR15 assault rifle may seem controversial, believe it or not the Asheville Tea Party has rejected some raffle prize suggestions for being too controversial in the past.   The Citizen Thymes did some digging and here are the Top 3 rejected Asheville Tea Party Raffle Prizes.   3. Drift: The Unmooring of American Military Power by Rachel Maddow   If you send a member to Barnes and Noble to pick up last minute raffle prizes you better make sure that member can read. Hank Stubbins recalls his mistake of buying what he calls ‘liberal toilet paper.’   “They told me to get whatever, just something patriotic,” said Stubbins.   “The book was right there at the front of the store and it had a soldier on it. I had no idea it was written by that hootenanny skinny Communist man.”   Drift was not given away as a prize, but members did have a hell of time shooting it with an M16 according to Stubbins.   2. The Bible   The Asheville Tea Party didn’t want to confuse its members with all that ‘love thy neighbor’ mumbo jumbo stuff Jesus said. After all that may prevent members from understanding that all social programs to help the poor should be cut to reward rich people with tax breaks, because rich people are oh so very oppressed by high taxes.   The Bible was given away, but the New Testament was ripped out. Makes for faster reading.     1. Backyard Nuclear Silo   Well let’s just say the Asheville Tea Party didn’t reject a backyard nuclear missile silo as a raffle prize per se. Turns out building your own backyard nuclear missile silo breaks a couple federal laws. Who knew?   President Obama’s weak stance on Iran and North Korea lead the Tea Party to try to take the nation’s defense in their own hands. The Tea Party started building a nuclear missile silo. Thankfully members had only tied just a couple microwaves together before being busted by federal...

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Asheville Bodybuilder opposes Councilman Bothwell’s call to ban gun show on City property, says biceps are a masterpiece
Jan03

Asheville Bodybuilder opposes Councilman Bothwell’s call to ban gun show on City property, says biceps are a masterpiece

ASHEVILLE- Do you have tickets to the gun show next week, yet?   No?   Asheville Bodybuilder Brock Nettlebaum has two for sale.   “Right bicep, left bicep, oh yeah bro I got your tickets to the gun show right here, bro,” said Nettlebaum.   Nettlebaum is concerned he won’t be able to sell tickets to his gun show much longer with City Council member Cecil Bothwell calling to ban gun shows on City-owned properties.   “Our municipal code specifically prohibits the carrying of weapons on City owned properties. I don’t understand why that law is not being enforced,” Bothwell said in a press release Tuesday.   Both the Asheville Civic Center and the WNC Agricultural Center, City-owned proprieties, have rented to gun promoters in the past.   Nettlebaum however says his gun shows should be protected under the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.   “These cannons (biceps) are works of art and the Statue of David pales in comparison,” said Nettlebaum.   “I should be able to host my gun shows on City-owned property because as an American I have a right to freedom of speech. Bothwell is being all unpatriotic and shit by suggesting I can’t show these bad boys off. Plus it would be a shame for all those babes to not get a glimpse of this on City-owned property.”   Nettlebaum admits he does not know why Bothwell wants to ban gun shows on City-owned properties, but Nettlebaum does have a theory.   “I think he is jealous of these bazookas, bro,” said Nettlebaum.   “I bet he doesn’t even do curls. I pity a fool who doesn’t do curls, bro.”   Nettlebaum does impromptu gun shows daily for whoever has the time and patience to watch. If you would like to purchase two tickets to Nettlebaum’s gun show click...

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