After visiting gym for first time in 2 years, Asheville man wishes he chose easier New Year’s Resolution
Jan02

After visiting gym for first time in 2 years, Asheville man wishes he chose easier New Year’s Resolution

ASHEVILLE- Bill Redmond has had a gym membership at WNC Barbell on Sardis Road for two years now.   Yesterday was the first time Redmond saw the inside of the gym in two years and he hated every minute of it.   “I can’t even feel my legs right now,” said Redmond.   “Maybe it was because I didn’t stretch first? Oh man I could really go for a beer right now.”   Redmond like many individuals this year made a New Year’s resolution to get in shape. But after 25 sweat inducing, excruciating minutes on the treadmill, Redmond is having second thoughts.   “I should have just gave up smoking instead,” said Redmond.   “The whole time I was on that treadmill I wanted a cigarette. I thought I was going to die on it. In fact I was quite confident I saw the light a couple times and it was my time to go. Turns out it was just the light reflecting off the sweaty bald guy’s head in front of me on the elliptical.”   Redmond’s second thoughts about the gym were amplified this morning after stepping on the scale to see he had only lost .02 pounds.   “All that work for nothing,” said Redmond.   “Maybe I should try Atkins because clearly exercise isn’t working. Or maybe God just meant for me to be fat. No use arguing with God.”   Redmond is skipping the gym this evening to research easier ways to get in shape products like the Shake Weight and the Tug Toner.   There is now just 364 days left to complete your New Year’s resolutions.   No...

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Hung over Asheville man can’t believe there isn’t one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole fricking house
Jan01

Hung over Asheville man can’t believe there isn’t one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole fricking house

ASHEVILLE- Sam Keegan made his New Year’s Eve plans three weeks in advance.   Keegan arranged for a limo to pick up him and his wife from his coworker’s New Year’s Eve party two weeks in advance.   Hell, Keegan even wrote his New Year’s resolutions in October.   But Sam Keegan forgot one important item to survive New Year’s Day. Keegan forgot to stock up on ibuprofen to suppress that pounding headache he now is suffering from.   “Holy Hell how much did I drink last night?” said Keegan.   Keegan remembers drinking a six-pack, but conveniently forgot about taking 4 shots of Jack with that annoying jackass from Human Resources and then there was that bottle of champagne.   “My head is killing me and I can’t even see straight. Where is the damn ibuprofen?” said Keegan.   Keegan stumbled to the bedroom window, with both hands over his eyes to prevent being blinded by that ‘damn’ sun and subsequently closed the blinds.   “I told you for the umpteenth time we don’t have any ibuprofen,” yelled Keegan’s wife.   Keegan loved his wife, but he thought if she yelled one more time it might send his migraine over the edge and he might have to suffocate her with a pillow. Keegan laughed to himself over the thought of murdering his wife as a convenient loophole to that ‘death do us part’ part in his vows.   “A fricking $250,000 house with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and there is not one damn bottle of ibuprofen in this whole house?” said Keegan.   “Jesus does anybody deliver ibuprofen in this town?”   The Keegans plan to spend the rest of the day in bed.  Attempting to drive to a CVS to get ibuprofen would be a death sentence according to Sam. Hell, the thought of getting up and walking downstairs to let their golden retriever Molly out, sounded exhausting to Sam. Maybe tomorrow thought...

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5 predictions of what will happen in Asheville in 2013, because we’re smart and stuff
Jan01

5 predictions of what will happen in Asheville in 2013, because we’re smart and stuff

One does not simply make predictions. One just opens his ears to the universe’s whispers.   If  I wanted to predict the future accurately, unlike all the other blogs making predictions about 2013 right about now, I knew I had to get in touch with my inner spirit animal. In order to do that I knew I would have to become one with nature.   So I fasted from Asheville beer. I didn’t touch a biscuit or grits for nearly two months. I stood outside in the grass and welcomed the cold wind on my exposed nipples. I chatted with the neighborhood’s stray cats. I took a whole box of Nyquil, because I came down with a cold.   All my sacrifices finally paid off last night as my inner spirit animal Squirt the Chipmunk visited me in my dreams. Here is what Squirt squeaked at me:   1. David Forbes or Jake Frankel of the Mountain Xpress will be drafted by the Asheville Citizen Times Despite being passed up in last year’s Asheville Citizen Times Draft of Mountain Xpress reporters, we hear these two reporters have been training hard in the off-season. Frankel has significantly improved his 40-yard dash time and Forbes is benching laptops like a beast.   Frankel and Forbes are projected as the two top picks on both Todd McShay’s and Mel Kiper Jr.’s draft board. McShay gives Forbes a slight edge due to his shifty Twitter fingers, but Kiper has faith in the old dog, Frankel. It will be interesting to see whom the Asheville Citizen Times will pick.   2. Food Bikes will be the new Food Trucks 2012 was the year of the Food Truck. But hey wait a minute don’t food trucks emit green house gases into the atmosphere through gasoline consumption and coal fire power plants that run the truck’s generators? And Al Gore thought Exxon Mobil was the problem? Makes you wonder if that fact about Al inventing the Internet is even true.   But no worries you Asheville tree huggers, food bikes are on the way and they emit zero emissions. Chefs pedaling to power their flattop grill, while chopping an onion on the handlebars. Hell that is what we call a dinner and a show folks.       3. A lot of you are going to get fat with all this beer in town Hey you! Yeah I’m talking to you pal! You thought you were so cool being able to drink all the micro beers you want and look so physically fit. For the love of God it doesn’t make sense to me and it...

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Asheville stoner confused why Wicked Weed Brewing’s beer lacks marijuana as ingredient
Dec31

Asheville stoner confused why Wicked Weed Brewing’s beer lacks marijuana as ingredient

ASHEVILLE- Wicked Weed Brewing opened their doors this past Friday to rave reviews.   But not everyone is sipping Wicked Weed’s hoppy Kool-Aid.   Asheville marijuana enthusiast Tate Linneman finds the lack of marijuana in Wicked Weed Brewing’s Beer irresponsible and misleading.   “Marajuana is in your name dude and you’re not going to put it in the beer you serve?” said Linneman.   “Total buzz killer man. Why would you tease someone like that? I got a bad case of reefer blue balls man. I’m glad I smoked before I checked Wicked Weed out Friday, otherwise I may have just ended it all right then and there man.”   Linneman plans on protesting Wicked Weed Brewing starting next week. Linneman is currently weaving a banner out of hemp that reads ‘No weed here man.’   “People got to be warned about this man,” said Linneman.   “What happens if you and your friends want to watch the Hobbit right? And your friend is like, ‘hey let’s light one up man?’ And you’re like, ‘No let’s just eat at Wicked Weed and get our buzz on with the green beer man.’ Experiencing the Shire not stoned that’s like blasphemy man.”   Linneman’s strict interpretation of the word ‘weed’ may explain why his yard is filled with weeds despite his wife gifting him a Weed Eater and a bottle of Weed-B-Gon for his birthday in May.   “Weed be gone?” Linneman chuckled.   “My wife is so funny.”   Wicked Weed is Asheville’s newest brewery. Wicked Weed is open from 5:00 p.m. to close daily and will begin lunch service after the New...

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Federal Agent surprised by lack of octopus at Asheville Octopus Garden
Dec19

Federal Agent surprised by lack of octopus at Asheville Octopus Garden

Photo Courtesy of Ashvegas    ASHEVILLE- If you visit an octopus garden, one would hope to find an octopus.   Homeland Security officer Randy Lee was quite disappointed by the absence of octopus after raiding the Octopus Garden on Monday.   “Talk about false advertising, not one octopus in the whole garden,” said Lee.   “I don’t know a lot about octopus farming, but they didn’t even have any aquariums or salt water in there either.  Do they grow the octopus off site? Here I fly all the way from Washington and all I wanted to do is pet an octopus. This trip has been so disappointing.”   Homeland Security, the Asheville Police Department, and the Buncombe, Transylvania, Henderson County sheriff’s offices joint raided Octopus Garden smoke shop locations Monday carrying out search warrants for bath salts.   “Whoever owns the place had to be smoking baths salts,” said Lee.   “Who names their establishment Octopus Garden but has no octopus? I just can’t wrap my head around it.”   Lee is considering a transfer to the FDA after Monday’s raid. He wants to spend the rest of his days prosecuting businesses for false advertising.   “Monday was the last straw,” said Lee.   “I don’t know how many times I have been fooled by Everlasting Gobstoppers. Everlasting my ass, do you see any Gobstoppers in my mouth? More like two minute Gobstoppers. This world needs...

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Man hopeful for Mayan apocalypse so he doesn’t have to go to the in-laws for Christmas
Dec17

Man hopeful for Mayan apocalypse so he doesn’t have to go to the in-laws for Christmas

ASHEVILLE- Let’s just say visiting the in-laws is not on Harold’s bucket list.   Harold Finnegan, a 34-year-old South Asheville resident is hopeful the Mayans were right about the world ending on December 21, 2012, so he doesn’t have to go to the in-laws for Christmas again this year.   “It’s suppose to be the most wonderful time of the year and instead every year I celebrate Jesus’s birthday in hell,” said Finnegan.   “The devil is winning. My wife’s mother is a terrible cook and her dad, oh holly hell her dad. Every year he tells the same story about how the foreigners are ruining this country. The Mayan apocalypse would be a walk in the park compared to another trip to the in-laws for Christmas.”   Finnegan has already started developing a survival strategy in case the Mayan apocalypse does not happen.   “Oh the first year I went to my in-laws I went in unprepared,” said Finnegan.   “Never again, I felt ambushed the first year. I almost didn’t make it out alive. But now I come prepared. Booze of course to ease the pain. Granola bars to eat after pretending to eat my mother-in-law’s Christmas dinner and more booze to survive the annual game of Pictionary.”   Finnegan will be celebrating his 10th Christmas with his in-laws this year.   “It’s such a milestone,” said Finnegan.   “Perhaps we could celebrate by talking about how my career choice as a teacher is not good enough for their daughter for the 10th year in a row.”   Finnegan considers himself a Christian, but has been praying to Mayan gods such as Itzamna in recent weeks to increase the likelihood of the apocalypse prediction coming true.  Finnegan also has been praying to Ix Chel, Mayan goddess of childbirth, because he hasn’t got any action from his wife in over a...

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