Asheville unemployment rate leaves Applebee’s waiter confident he can quit job and find new job at Chili’s
Dec10

Asheville unemployment rate leaves Applebee’s waiter confident he can quit job and find new job at Chili’s

ASHEVILLE- The recent job report shows Asheville has a 6.8 percent unemployment rate, which has a lot of out of town individuals looking at Asheville for a possible career change.   But one local waiter thinks the job report is a sign he too can make a career change.   Anthony Hillard, a 34-year-old server at an Applebee’s on Smokey Park Highway is contemplating leaving his current position for a new position at Chili’s in light of the new jobs report.   “You know it ‘s not necessarily a promotion, but sometimes you just need a change of pace,” said Hillard.   “I’ve really wanted to tell my boss off for a long time now. But everybody was always like keep on plowing ahead, because you can’t get fired in this economy. The job report gives me comfort that I can finally tell my boss he is a dick.”   Hillard would really like to get out of the service industry completely, but explains the jobs that are available in Asheville tend to be service industry related jobs.   “Sure I would like to use my economics degree, but the truth is the jobs here in Asheville tend to focus around the tourist industry,” said Hillard.   “I just envision a lot of ‘yes sir’ and ‘yes ma’am’ in my future. Oh and of course baby back ribs. At least the margaritas are a lot better at Chili’s.”   Hillard has already submitted an application to Chili’s and is currently trying to plan the most epic way to quit his current position at Applebee’s. Hillard is hoping to have a friend record it and post the video on...

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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer applies Proactiv to nose, now just Rudolph the reindeer
Dec10

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer applies Proactiv to nose, now just Rudolph the reindeer

NORTH POLE- Turns out a giant zit guided Santa’s sleigh on one foggy Christmas Eve.   Rudolph ‘the Red-Nosed’ reindeer’s signature red nose is no more after Rudolph applied a hefty dose of Proactiv to a zit on his nose that had been bothering him for centuries.   “Everybody was like ‘hey I like your nose’ and ‘hey you saved Christmas that one time with your nose,” said Rudolph.   “But you know how embarrassing it is to have a zit that size on your nose? Sure I had a lot of red nose chasers in my day, because I saved Christmas. But every time I went to lean in and kiss them, they were repulsed.”   Rudolph ordered Proactiv two weeks ago after seeing a late nightspot during his favorite television movie Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.   “I saw the commercial and was skeptical, but I figured if Kaley Couco from the Big Bang Theory uses it, I should give it a whirl,” said Rudolph.   “The stuff really works. The one time doctors on a commercial weren’t lying, miracles really do happen.”   But the nose change hasn’t been completely positive for Rudolph. Rudolph is currently seeing a therapist, as his zit was more of an integral part of his identity than he once thought.   “On one hand the giant ugly zit is off my nose,” said Rudolph.   “But now I go out in public and no one knows who I am. I just look like everybody else. I feel like I’m just another hoof in the reindeer herd. I feel invisible.”   Rudolph sometimes wears a clown nose around the house to remind him of what he once was. All the other reindeer are laughing and calling him...

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Willy Wonka tells Asheville to get over itself when it comes to Chocolate City USA talk
Dec03

Willy Wonka tells Asheville to get over itself when it comes to Chocolate City USA talk

ASHEVILLE-   “Come with me And you’ll be In a world of Pure imagination Take a look And you’ll see Into your imagination”   Those attuned to the Asheville chocolate scene imagine Asheville is quickly becoming Chocolate City USA.   However, Willy Wonka in an interview Saturday says Asheville can keep dreaming when it comes to claiming the title of Chocolate City USA.   “Asheville has to win every city tile there is, don’t they?” said Wonka, CEO of Wonka Bars.   “I have to say I admire Asheville’s imagination. But come on when it comes to chocolate nobody beats the work of my Oompa Loompas. I guess a solar powered chocolate factory is cool, but do y’all have a chocolate river?”   Asheville chocolate enthusiasts will have a chance to show off why they think Asheville is Chocolate City USA this Saturday, Dec. 8 with the Chocolate and Arts Festival. The festival which runs from noon-7:00 p.m. will feature 15 local chocolate and dessert-making businesses.   The Chocolate City USA talk started in August with Citizen Times’ food writer Mackensy Lunsford declaring Asheville Chocolate City USA. The talk heated up this past weekend after Heather Cohen, director of the Chocolate and Arts Festival, claimed Asheville had more chocolate per square inch than any place in the country.   “Let’s just say Cohen hasn’t been to the Wonka factory,” said Wonka.   “We have geese that lay golden eggs of chocolate for crying out loud. I bet your geese do nothing but shit, don’t they? Quit being a silly goose. Wonka is Chocolate City USA.”   The Citizen Thymes has come up with a way to settle this chocolate dispute once and for all. Go to our Facebook page and vote for which city you think deserves the title of Chocolate City USA. The Citizen Thymes believes just like the Beer City USA poll, people who generally know nothing about chocolate should decide, who would ultimately become Chocolate City...

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Obama orders DOD to build giant kiddie pool to ease US over fiscal cliff
Nov26

Obama orders DOD to build giant kiddie pool to ease US over fiscal cliff

WASHINGTON, D.C.- There is no reason if you are going to jump off a cliff that at the bottom there has to be giant sharp boulders to break your neck on.   President Obama yesterday made sure that the United States leap over the fiscal cliff would be a safe one.   Obama ordered the Department of Defense to build a 3 trillion gallon kiddie pool to lessen the impact of the United States descent over the fiscal cliff.   “I still have full faith in both parties coming together to get a deal done to prevent us from going over the fiscal cliff,” said Obama.   “However, we have to have a back up plan just in case to make sure at the end of the day no matter what happens we can move forward as a country. Whether that happens to be at the bottom of a kiddie pool or on top of a cliff is up to Congress.”   Congress has until the end of the year to come up with a deal to keep the United States from going over the fiscal cliff in January.   Obama has been in negotiations with top advisers in the Pentagon for the last month to come up with a safety plan just in case Congress can’t make a deal.   “Well we discussed building a giant safety net, but there was worry some of our smaller citizens may slip through the holes and hurt themselves,” said Obama.   “Besides where were we going to get a spider with that kind of web spinning power in such short notice. The Pentagon will begin breaking ground on the pool tomorrow.”   The Pentagon will be getting water for the kiddie pool by flying in melting glaciers from the Arctic.   “We figured they will be gone anyways in the next 50 years, why let all that water go to waste,” said Obama.   “I know what your thinking, what about people who can’t swim? Turns out my old friend Mitt Romney owns a company in China that manufactures rubber ducky floaties. He is giving us a discount because he is such a patriot.”   The Pentagon has advised every American citizen to invest in a wet suit before the New Year. If the US were to go over the fiscal cliff into the giant kiddie pool, the water will be no doubt be...

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Con Artist gives up dream of becoming President after lying idol Romney loses
Nov07

Con Artist gives up dream of becoming President after lying idol Romney loses

ASHEVILLE- When your hero falls short of his or her goal, it’s hard to see how you may achieve a similar goal.   Professional con artist Austin Lang (at least that’s what we think his name is) gave up his dream of becoming President of the United States after his idol Mitt Romney was defeated by President Barack Obama last night.   “My mom always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I put my mind to it,” said Lang.   “I’ve done a pretty good job so far of living up to my mother’s expectations. But I have to say after watching one of the best liars I have ever seen lose the election, I just don’t think it’s realistic for me to ever become President of the United States.”   Lang, who has stolen the identities of hundreds of North Carolina citizens, convinced several senior citizens that he is their long lost nephew, and has capitalized on a number of pyramid schemes says although he was experienced in the art of lying, he had nothing on the king of lying Mitt Romney.   “Oh my God I have seen nothing like Romney before, that guy should write a text book on lying,” said Lang.   “The auto bail out shift, the I created jobs while I was at Bain, the I care about Latinos because I’m practically from Mexico, all were just so good they will probably be theories for us con artists. It’s just too bad we all have to wake up every day and live with the fact, although we may swindle millions from struggling companies and the IRS, it’s just sickening to know the American people will never let us become President of the United States. Talk about class warfare.”   With the presidency out of the question, Lang has started to think about an alternative future.   “Well once I get Mildred to add me to her will, I plan on getting out of North Carolina,” said Lang.   “I find if you stay in the same place for too long, the FBI eventually finds you. Once I leave North Carolina I hope to go on a few Mormon missionaries to get a since of where the guru got his swag. After that since I still have a dream of making a difference in this country, I would like to serve as an apprentice to another great liar Karl Rove. Who knows someday I could become chairman of the GOP with all my lying experience.”   If anybody knows a Mildred please keep a watchful eye on her the...

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Newland NC squirrels press charges against Biltmore Estate for cutting down home for Christmas tree display
Nov05

Newland NC squirrels press charges against Biltmore Estate for cutting down home for Christmas tree display

ASHEVILLE- First Bank of America, now the Biltmore Estate.   When will everyday Americans ever feel safe in their homes again?   The Nutter family squirrels filed a complaint with the Newland, N.C. police department late Friday night accusing the Bilmore Estate of stealing their 1,000 branch home.   The Biltmore Estate currently has the alleged Nutter family home, a 34-foot Fraiser Fir, displayed in the Banquet Hall as part of the Biltmore Christmas celebration.   “They gave us no notice what so ever,” said Butter Nutter, head of the Nutter family household.   “We spent all day in the forest collecting fall’s harvest of acorns and pine cones and we come home to an empty lot. I just don’t understand it. All our mortgage payments were on time to Mother Nature. I can’t believe someone could do this to us especially around the holidays.”   The Newland Police Department is seeking the assistance of the Asheville Police Department to help investigate the case.   The Biltmore Estate refused to comment about specifics when asked for comment Sunday.   “We have been advised by our counsel since the case is currently under investigation that we cannot comment about the case,” said LeeAnn Donnely spokesperson for the Biltmore Estate.   The Nutter family meanwhile doesn’t plan to rest until justice is served.   “The Biltmore Estate does not understand, they didn’t just put the Nutter family out of a home but also several other creatures,” said Butter.   “My neighbor Jay who lives four branches up flies south every winter. But boy when he comes back this spring to no home that guy is going to flip a bird. Biltmore Estate destroyed an ecosystem for some holiday token for tourists. They should be ashamed of themselves.”   The Newland Fire Department is currently collecting donations for the Nutter family and those impacted by the tree-napping. If you are interested in helping the Nutter family, you can text the word NUTCROSS to 828-209-8874 and $10 will be donated on your behalf....

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