Biltmore Estate worker doesn’t care what state you are from, for the love of God quit touching shit
Nov05

Biltmore Estate worker doesn’t care what state you are from, for the love of God quit touching shit

ASHEVILLE- Read the sign.   Or don’t.   But read the sign if you want to win over your local Biltmore Estate worker.   Biltmore Estate tour guide Jay Ester is sick and tired of telling Biltmore Estate visitors to quit touching things inside the house.   “We are right up front up with about no touching things, there are even signs,” said Ester.   “But no, nobody can follow directions anymore. I had some lady the other day that was like, ‘but we drove all the way from California’ and I’m so old. And I was like, ‘I don’t give a shit where you are from, for the love of God quit touching shit, unless you brought some of that Cali weed.’ Ok so I didn’t say that last part.”   Ester says he spend the majority of his days telling people not to touch things, in between answering dumb questions.   “I get asked the question all the time at the end of the tour when was the house built?” said Ester.   “Really? For Vanderbilt’s sake please listen. Like I would fail to mention what year the house was built in the last hour we have spent together. Those are the same people who touch shit.”   Ester explains people feel the need to touch things because of the high price of admission.   “There always like we paid so much, why can’t we touch history,” said Ester.   “And I’m always like the same reason ‘why I can’t treat you to Ruth Chris’s prime rib and expect to get laid.’ Here at the Biltmore Estate we want to let you look at what you can’t have, not touch what you can’t have. Because if you touch it, you might start to realize that shit you’re touching is just that, shit. That’s the American dream to work a dead end job that you hate for shit you ultimately don’t want.”   Ester is considering leaving his current position at the Biltmore. But just like last month realizes he has to pay rent on...

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Asheville adult to vote for Romney after bad trick or treating haul last night
Nov01

Asheville adult to vote for Romney after bad trick or treating haul last night

ASHEVILLE- Both presidential campaigns has challenged every American to answer the question are you better off today than you were four years ago?   For Rodney Taylor the answer to that question is no.   After dressing up in his storm trooper costume for the 36th Halloween in a row, Taylor pulled in the worst trick or treating load of candy ever last night.  Taylor as a result will be casting his ballot for Mitt Romney this coming Tuesday, because he claims to not be better off than he was four years ago.   “Trick or treating was a disaster last night, nobody wanted to give me candy,” said Taylor.   “The economy must be in shambles if nobody is willing to give me candy. I’ve had the same routine for 36 years. Look at my bag it is nearly empty. Obama may of killed Bin Laden, but he also killed my sweet tooth. I hope Romney can really turn this candy shortage around.”   Taylor managed to receive candy from four Asheville residents last night. However, the four pieces of candy was a small bright spot in a night full of ridicule and tough questions.   “My neighbors were all like ‘really Rodney? Again? Aren’t you too old for trick or treating?” said Taylor.   “There is nothing wrong with a 42-year-old man reliving his childhood. The current economic crisis has turned my neighbors into a bunch of stiffs. To top it off the economy must be in a real crisis, because the four pieces of candy I got were generic brand. No Butterfingers? Bart Simpson somewhere right now is cursing the world.”   Taylor has pledged to vote for Romney Tuesday. But Taylor says Obama still could get his vote if Obama managed to turn his depressing week around.   ‘This week started off terrible after learning George Lucas sold the Star Wars franchise to Disney,” said Taylor.   “Can you imagine goofy in my storm trooper costume? The thought makes me shiver. If Obama can prevent the sale of Star Wars, I’ll vote for him Tuesday.”   Mitt Romney is expected to speak in Charlotte today where he will be hosting a Candy Shortage relief rally. The Romney campaign has bought 5,000 pounds of candy to hand out to supporters so the supporters can donate the candy back to the campaign to save Rodney’s sweet tooth....

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Uptight zombie finds zombie Halloween costumes racially insensitive, not politically correct, and poor taste
Oct31

Uptight zombie finds zombie Halloween costumes racially insensitive, not politically correct, and poor taste

ASHEVILLE- One could say there is a zombie fad going around with all the recent references in literature, television, and movies.   Asheville even had it’s own Zombie Pub Crawl a couple weeks ago.   In fact zombies have become such a fad that you can expect a number of trick-or-treaters at your doorstep this evening in zombie garb.   However, Randy Jarvis an Asheville resident and self-identified Zombie American finds zombie costumes repulsive.   “What has this world come to?” said Jarvis.   “I thought we as Americans strive to understand other cultures, not patronize them. You don’t see us zombies go around dressing up as humans dancing around and putting on a parade, it’s disgusting.”   Jarvis argues dressing up, as a zombie is demeaning to zombies and frankly racially insensitive. Jarvis goes on to say other races wouldn’t be caught dead dressing up as other cultures.   “You don’t see African American parents dressing their kids up as Caucasians and vice-versa,” said Jarvis.   “Hell I thought we were done with this after the NAACP worked so hard to educate people how insensitive blackface was not only as a costume, but also as a theater performance. I pray that my children’s children will see the day when racial intolerance has been wiped from the world. But I guess I also said that when I was alive.”   Jarvis plans on holding a rally at Riverside Cemetery at 6:00 p.m. today to speak out against zombie costumes and for zombie equality. Attendees are encouraged to bring their own signs. Blood cocktails and human finger food will be served to all attendees.   Lady Gaga perhaps one of the most prominent zombie figures today will make a special appearance and will perform her famous single ‘You were dead this way, baby.’   Gaga will be wearing a dress made of human remains as a political statement. The human remains will be Caucasian of course to ensure political correctness....

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Lazy witch puts potion in crock-pot before flying off to work
Oct31

Lazy witch puts potion in crock-pot before flying off to work

ASHEVILLE- There is just not enough time in a day to slave away over your potions and spells any more.   Ester Filmore a century old witch and resident of Asheville threw her ingredients for her latest potion this morning in a crock-pot instead of a cauldron for the first time.   “A witch’s life is a busy one and to tell you the truth I have no time for a cauldron anymore,” said Filmore.   “The crock-pot was just easy. I threw all my ingredients in and set it on low and when I get back from my job at the Magic 8 ball factory it should be ready to go. Now if I can just figure out a way to get my black cat Lucy to feed herself my life would be set.”   The witch community is embracing crock-pots at a growing rate, but not all witches are happy about the latest trend.   “Oh those witches are just old fuddy duddys,” said Ester.   “They claim cooking out of cauldrons give us witches a sense of history and preserves our way of life. But those witches are the same witches that are still casting spells out of spell books. Warlock Steve Jobs created the IPad for a reason honey. A witch gotta be reading incantations in high definition, it’s the future baby.”   Ester shared one of her crock-pot potion recipe with the Citizen Thymes. Ester plans on publishing a book soon on the art of crock-pot potions.   Cheap Seduction Ingredients 1 handle of Tequila 1 cup of melted Chocolate 1 Marvin Gaye ‘Let’s Get It On’ MP3 diced 2 tbsp of Vicks Vapor Rub 1 Bear Rug shredded   Directions Place all ingredients in crock-pot. Set crock-pot on low and cook for eight hours. Put aside some Vicks Vapor Rub for garnish. Serve hot and...

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Vampire glad his favorite Italian restaurant is now garlic free
Oct30

Vampire glad his favorite Italian restaurant is now garlic free

ASHEVILLE- Food allergies can be frustrating, especially when the allergy is specific to a key ingredient in your favorite food.   But Count Edward Buble a vampire and resident of Bat Cave, NC can now rest easy that his favorite Italian restaurant is now garlic free.   Asheville restaurant Vinnie’s Italian rolled out a garlic free menu this week for their number one vampire fan, Count Buble.   “I can’t tell you how excited I am now to eat at my favorite restaurant without having to worry about my allergy,” said Count Buble.   “Before I didn’t have a lot of options available to me that I could eat at Vinnie’s without getting sick. Don’t get me wrong I still ate at Vinnie’s because man nothing can stop me from eating that twice baked lasagna, but it’s just good to know now I can enjoy it without feeling like there is a big stake being driven in my heart.”   Count Buble is excited to not only be able to enjoy twice baked lasagna without pain for the first time, but also be able to court potential suitors at Vinnie’s. Before Count Buble was too embarrassed to reveal his condition in front of others.   “I would take a Rolaid with every bite of lasagna to battle the heart burn,” said Count Buble.   “My doctor said that is not very healthy and I said come on doc, what’s it going to do? Kill me? Look at me? But to say the least I couldn’t take that many pills on a date without the girl asking questions. Vinnie’s is perfect for the romance or what I like to call the marinating period, if you know what I’m saying.”   Count Buble enjoyed twice baked lasagna last night at Vinnie’s and finished with Type A Lisa for dessert.   “The dessert was pretty good, she was aged a good 34 years,” said Buble.   “You know what they say blood ages like wine.”   Count Buble hopes other Asheville restaurants follow Vinnie’s lead and offer garlic free options.  Be sure to ask your server the next time at Vinnie’s for your favorite blood sucker Count Buble’s menu, the sucker...

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Asheville waiter spends Moogfest weekend doing what he does every weekend hating everyone
Oct29

Asheville waiter spends Moogfest weekend doing what he does every weekend hating everyone

ASHEVILLE- A combination of live music, costumes, drugs, and alcohol should be enough for even Droopy Dog to turn that frown upside down.   But for one Asheville waiter Moogfest was just another weekend at the Waffle House hating everyone including himself.   Billy Walker a long time employee of the Waffle House on 798 Brevard Road explains this past weekend is just one of many he will try to forget over a bottle of Jim Bean.   “How was my Moogfest experience? How do you think my experience was? I work at Waffle House,” said Walker.   “The only thing different about this weekend is there was a nice crowd of wannabe hipsters that came through the door. But Jesus how hipster can you be eating at the Waffle House? What you spent too much money on those testicle hugger pants to afford a real breakfast?  But don’t you worry about me I will forget everything about this weekend once I get to the bottom of this bottle.”   Walker then took a rather long drink from the handle of Jim Bean and leaned in.   “I had dreams once you know,” said Walker.   “My parents always pushed me you know. Go to college, they said. Find your passion and major in that, they said. Well I tell you what I will let you in on a little secret. Turns out majoring in Philosophy at Warren Wilson College is the exact educational experience you need to decipher drunken tongue at 2:00 a.m.”   Walker graduated from Warren Wilson in 2008 with a Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy. Walker has been a dedicated Waffle House server ever since.   Walker explains the Moogfest crowd was a little bit rowdier than the usual patrons the Waffle House gets Friday and Saturday nights.   “Yeah they were a little bit inebriated, but who really can enter the Waffle House sober,” said Walker.   “I’ve been working at the Waffle House for four years and I can’t remember the last time I was sober taking orders. But hey drinking on the job is practically in my job description. To understand a drunk, you must encompass a drunken lifestyle. I think Aristotle said that.”   Walker plans on spending the rest of the year trying to work his way up the corporate Waffle House ladder.   “I’m taking it one waffle at a time you could say,” said Walker.   The Waffle House was unavailable for comment. But the Bert’s chili consumed while waiting for comment was pretty tasty. Although Bert’s chili falls way short of the epic greatness that is Hormel’s...

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