Ghost starting to feel like he is invisible seeks help from therapist
Oct29

Ghost starting to feel like he is invisible seeks help from therapist

ASHEVILLE- You ever wonder if you were to go missing tomorrow would anybody notice?   Thomas Wolfe a 74-year-old poltergeist floats around Downtown Asheville often, but feels like no one really notices him as of late. So to improve his self-esteem Wolfe has acquired the help of acclaimed psychologist Dr. Malcom Crowe.   “I don’t know what it is, but I just don’t feel whole anymore,” said Wolfe.   “Here I am strolling the streets of Asheville and I just let people walk right through me. I’m just like hello can anybody see me right now? Do I not exist anymore? I’m hoping Crowe can improve my outlook on life. I just feel invisible right now.”   Dr. Crowe is a Philadelphia based child psychologist, who began working with ghosts and their self-esteem in 1999.   “I know it is hard to believe, but some ghosts forget that they are invisible to the average person and can only be seen by a few gifted individuals,” said Crowe.   “Unfortunately not every ghost can be fortunate enough to have an Oda Mae Brown in their life to communicate to the world with. But I think there is hope for Mr. Wolfe yet, after all he is just as attractive as Patrick Swayze.”   Wolfe seeks to find a place where he is comfortable with his own invisibility.   “Right now even though people can’t see me, I tend to make people uncomfortable,” said Wolfe.   “I make the room go cold and everyone shivers. The Marble Slab is the only place I can hang out at where people feel comfortable around me. I guess it does feel good that I’m keeping the Marble Slab’s electricity bills down.”   Wolfe is currently scheduled to see Dr. Crowe three times per week. Wolfe before his death was an acclaimed American novelist but finds writing rather pointless as a ghost.   “The only people that can read my new work are fellow ghosts,” said Wolfe.   “We’ve all seen Casper and that kid although cute, isn’t very bright. I need to find a way to cope with my current existence and I’m hoping Dr. Crowe can help me do that.”   Wolfe did try seeking other assistance before contacting Dr. Crowe. Wolfe tried getting assistance from Asheville ghost hunter Josh Warren. However according to Wolfe, Warren insisted on mounting him over his living room mantle, a proposal Wolfe was not too fond...

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Asheville spider embarrassed after mistaking household spider web decoration for own home
Oct29

Asheville spider embarrassed after mistaking household spider web decoration for own home

ASHEVILLE- Ever try to get into your car in the grocery lot parking lot only to realize it’s not your call at all, but just looks very similar?   Halloween presents plenty of opportunities for spiders everywhere to make the same mistake except with their own homes.   Crawlina a 2-year-old Daddy Long Legs spider lives under the railing of a home on Sand Hill Road.   But this weekend she found herself in quite a predicament. Crawlina feasted on a nearby jack-o-lantern late Saturday night and crawled her way back to what she thought was her webbed abode, but instead found herself the next morning in someone elese’s web.   “I knew I had a lot of pumpkin juice, but I guess I had one sip too many,” said Crawlina.   “I woke up and I had no idea where I was. Thankfully there was no dead male Daddy Long Legs around, so I knew that the night didn’t get too crazy.”   Crawlina had passed out in a household Halloween spider web decoration, instead of her own web.   “I find it quite embarrassing that I couldn’t even tell the difference between my own home and a fake web,” said Crawlina.   “But these fake webs keep getting closer and closer to the real thing every year. Maybe next year I’ll just save time and buy one of the fake webs, instead of building my own home. It would save me a lot of hassle.”   In the meantime Crawlina plans on taking it easy on the pumpkin juice.   “The pumpkin juice makes me a little clumbsy,” said Crawlina.   “I tend to trip over my own legs, when I have too much to...

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10-year-old says first curse word after realizing parents drove him 15 hours to see leaves in Asheville
Oct22

10-year-old says first curse word after realizing parents drove him 15 hours to see leaves in Asheville

ASHEVILLE- Every year fall brings a new array of colors.   For 10-year-old Trevor Fleming of 3750 The Midway Dallas, Texas fall added a little color to his vocabulary.   Fleming was riding with his two parents in the family minivan on the Blue Ridge Parkway Saturday afternoon, when all of a sudden he threw his juice box at the windshield and blurted out his first curse word.   “Are you fucking kidding me?” said Fleming.   “We drove 15 hours to look at fucking leaves. We skipped the state fair to look at fucking leaves.”   Susan Fleming appalled by her son’s coarse language pulled the car over and began to berate Trevor for his actions.   “Trevor where did you learn that word?” said Susan.   “I don’t pay 4,000 a semester to Sister Mary’s School for the Boys for you to be some heathen.”    Meanwhile Trevor’s father Tom resisted the temptation to smirk as he secretly held the same thoughts as his son, but didn’t want to anger Susan in case a miracle happened and Susan wanted to relive her high school days in the Holiday Inn hot tub later that evening. Tom planned on taking Susan on the Biltmore Estate Wine tour later that evening to increase his chances.   “Come on mom we have leaves at home that look exactly like this,” said Trevor.   “You know how I know? Because you made me and daddy rake them last Saturday and then you didn’t even let me jump in them because they would supposedly ruin my clothes. We have washing machines for a reason mom.”   Susan irate at her son pleaded at her husband Tom for assistance.   “Do you hear the words that are coming out of your son’s mouth Tom?” said Susan.   Tom, who had been daydreaming about Susan in a cheerleading outfit, attuned to the conversation for the first time.   “Ummm, Uhh what?” said Tom.   “Oh yeah Trevor don’t talk to your mother like that. When we get back home you’re grounded from trumpet lessons for a month.”   Susan threw her hands up in the air.   “Your son doesn’t even play the trumpet Tom,” said Susan.   Trevor, Tom, and Susan drove back to the Holiday Inn in silence. The Fleming’s eventful Saturday took a pleasant turn later that evening as they lost themselves in the aroma of Applebee’s Triple Chocolate Meltdown.   The Fleming’s next family vacation will be in February with a trip to Colorado Springs, Colorado to see snow. Tom hopes to consummate with his wife at least once before the...

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FOX green lights new Polygamist dating show Binders Full of Women
Oct22

FOX green lights new Polygamist dating show Binders Full of Women

LOS ANGELES- Hey men are you tired of searching for the one?   Do you find meeting, talking, learning more about, and dating women tiresome?   Do you think it would be selfish of you to offer all you have to give to just one woman?   Well FOX has the dating show for you.   FOX green lighted a new Polygamist dating show Binders Full of Women this past week.   Binders Full of Women is a dating show that will help men, who embrace a polygamist lifestyle, find the right hen house of chicks to fulfill their desires. Contestants will be faced with the task of choosing between three binders. Each binder will have the names and information of seven different women and at the end of the show the contestant will pick a binder with seven women, which he wishes to marry.   FOX developed the new dating show after GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney mentioned binders full of women in last week’s presidential debate.   “The internet just lit up with binders full of women references and we at FOX brainstormed how we could take advantage of that momentum,” said Kevin Reily, President of Fox.   “The show’s concept is brilliant. Viewers’ biggest complaint about current reality dating shows is having to listen to the mouth’s on some of these women. We decided to embrace the Romney approach to this show, which are women shall be seen but not heard.”   Each binder will include women, who hold valuable woman qualities such as the ability to cook, clean, sew, give birth, open beers, and raise children. However, each binder will also include one wildcard woman, who defies their biological mission.   “These wildcard women misbehavior will really throw these contestants for a loop,” said Reily.   “This season we have one wildcard, who insists on having a job outside the home. We also have a wildcard, who wishes to go back to school. We even have a wildcard that insists the man wears a condom during the act of intercourse. Binders Full of Women will be must watch television.”   The Binders Full of Women elimination process will be similar to the Bachelor, except contestants will award aprons to the binders they still wish to pursue instead of roses.   Binders Full of Women will premiere in January of 2013. FOX will also premiere The 47 Percent in January, a sitcom about 47 percent of Americans forced to work without government assistance for the first time in their...

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Asheville Tourists fire manager Mikulik after 13 years, says can’t still be a tourist after 13 years living here
Oct22

Asheville Tourists fire manager Mikulik after 13 years, says can’t still be a tourist after 13 years living here

ASHEVILLE- You can only ride the out of town excuse for so long.   For Asheville Tourists manager Joe Mikulik that excuse expired this past Thursday as he was fired from the ball club.   “We would like to thank Mikulik for his 13 years of dedication,” said Al Rogers, a representative for the Tourists’ parent club the Colorado Rockies.   “Unfortunately we took a hard look at Mikulik and decided you really can’t call yourself a tourist if you have been living in this town for 13 years. Joe never asked for directions, stiffed a server, asked where he could pet a bear, or asked for the nearest Famous Daves because he wanted to enjoy quality Southern barbecue. It is quite clear Joe was no longer tourist material.”   The firing comes as a shock as Mikulik was the most successful manager in Tourists history and had coached the Tourists to a South Atlantic League title this year.   “Sometimes winning isn’t everything,” said Rogers.   “The Tourists’ parent club the Colorado Rockies has a long history of not winning, which we are ok with. We just felt if we let Mikulik continue coaching it would be false advertising, because Joe is clearly not a tourist anymore.”   The Tourists will be holding open tryouts for the new manager position outside the Biltmore House this week. The Tourists are on the lookout for someone that really embodies the Tourists name.   “We will be looking for people that wear fanny packs and carry disposable Polaroid cameras,” said Rogers.   “But the look isn’t the only thing that is important. We will also be judging people’s intellect. So for example if someone were to ask a question like, ‘Was the Biltmore House here before Pocahontas?’ That would be the ideal person we would be looking for.”   The Tourists should have a new manager by the end of the...

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Asheville political advertising gets ugly, but not as ugly as the candidates
Oct15

Asheville political advertising gets ugly, but not as ugly as the candidates

ASHEVILLE- Checking the mailbox this time of year you should expect political paraphernalia.   But some of the political mailers have left residents shaking in their boots.   “I now vomit every time I open the mail box,” said Jason Kirk, an Asheville resident and unregistered voter.   “I know the political system is a mess, but wow I didn’t realize it took a toll on these people faces. It’s almost like they are battling for the part of Beast in Beauty and the Beast.”   A new Citizen Thymes/Guinness Book of World Records poll reveals 90 percent of Western North Carolina residents find the candidates visually repulsive.   “Sometimes I just wish there was anthrax in my mailbox instead,” said Kirk.   “Isn’t this region supposed to be environmentally conscious, anyways? Quit printing pamphlets, save the trees man and save my fricking corneas.”   The same poll revealed 75 percent of respondents if given the choice of consummating with a local candidate or a thorn thicket, would consummate with the thorn thicket.   Unfortunately, North Carolina law prevents a thorn thicket from running for office. All candidates in North Carolina have to be human. North Carolina law is unclear however on the legality of consummating with a thorn thicket.   Local candidates Nathan Ramsey, Susan Wilson, John Snow, Jim Davis, Rep. Tim Moffitt, and Jane Whilden have spent over a combined $600,000 on political ads mostly attacking their opponents, some including downright lies about their opponents.   “While Rep. Moffitt is flattered 25 percent of Western North Carolina would have sex with him, Mr. Moffitt is a married man,” said a campaign spokesman.   “Mr. Moffitt however will do whatever he can if elected again to keep thorn thickets alive and flourishing. Did you know Jane Whilden once sprayed thorn thickets with Ortho Weed-B-Gone? It is shameless what Whilden did to those innocent thorn thickets.”   Moffitt’s new mailer campaign will be sent out Wednesday featuring Moffitt sporting a crown of thorns as a headband. The mailer will feature the following message, “I will die for your...

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