Recent Outbreak of Bears Explained, Smokey the Bear sends army of bears to prevent joint fires in Asheville
Oct15

Recent Outbreak of Bears Explained, Smokey the Bear sends army of bears to prevent joint fires in Asheville

ASHEVILLE- The next time you decide to blaze up, you better think twice.   No the Drug Enforcement Agency probably won’t kick your door down, but you may get a visit from a fire prevention black bear.   Western North Carolina has recorded 275 bear nuisance complaints so far this year.   But Smokey the Bear explains you shouldn’t think of his bear fire prevention team as a nuisance, rather friends asking you to party responsibly.   “We just want to make sure everybody handles their joints safely and a way that prevents house fires,” said Smokey the Bear.   “Some people lay the joints down and forget about them and the next thing you know the house is a blaze figuratively and literally. Some people lose their lighter and light the joint with the oven burner and forget to shut off the burner. So our message is clear if you light one up, puff, puff, until it’s gone. Remember, only you can prevent joint fires.”   Smokey the Bear has assigned 100 bear joint officers to the Asheville area. The Joint Safety Initiative is a sign Smokey the Bear is adapting to changes in American lifestyles.   “Although we find forest fire prevention is still important, there is an overwhelming trend of people staying inside and thus less camp fires to worry about,” said Smokey the Bear.   “Now we need to make sure those starting fires in blunt wraps, playing video games in their basement are also practicing fire prevention techniques. To assign bear joint officers to Asheville is a no brainer, y’all smoke a lot of weed.”   But some residents believe the bear joint officers are doing more harm than good.   For example, Rebecca Kossick a Biltmore Lake resident is annoyed that the bears constantly try to dig through her trash.   Smokey the Bear explains digging through the trash is part of the reconnaissance work the bear joint officers do to prevent joint fires.   “Digging through people’s trash gives us a lot of hints as to whether someone is at risk for a joint fire,” said Smokey the Bear.   “If someone has a lot of Cheetos or Hostess wrappers, it is a good sign someone may be at risk. Also receipts from Taco Bell with random purchase times throughout the day is another good sign.”   Smokey the Bear’s Joint Safety Initiative is in its second year of existence. Smokey the Bear is aware of people’s complaints and is working to address them, but the program has steadily improved over time.   In 2011 Western North Carolina filed 430 bear nuisance...

Read More
Liar, Liar Pants on fire: Romney to wear fire retardant pants on US Cellular stage, Asheville Fire Department on standby
Oct11

Liar, Liar Pants on fire: Romney to wear fire retardant pants on US Cellular stage, Asheville Fire Department on standby

ASHEVILLE- Mitt Romney’s pants haven’t caught on fire due to lying yet.   But the Romney campaign isn’t taking any chances.   Romney has been issued a special set of fire retardant trousers for when he takes the stage at 5:30 p.m. today at the US Cellular Center. The Secret Service has placed several fire extinguishers around the stage and the Asheville Fire Department has been put on standby.   The fire prevention strategy was put into place after Romney’s debate performance last week, where according to Think Progress, Romney delivered 27 lies in just 38 minutes.   “Well Mitt complained last week that every time he lied his privates got hot and sweaty,” said Eric Fehrnstrom, senior Romney campaign adviser.   “I think Mitt is legitimately concerned if he lies too much that his pants may in fact just catch on fire. But don’t worry Asheville, Mitt will tell you just want you want to here tonight, whether it is true or nor, because those fire retardant pants should get the job done.”   The Walt Disney Company sent Romney the fire retardant pants as a gift after the debate.  Romney’s fire retardant pants are the same fire retardant pants Tim Allen as Santa Clause wore in the movie Santa Clause 2.   “That’s right we have Santa Clause on our side,” said Fehrnstrom.   “We were a little skeptical of taking a gift from Santa Clause, a man who stood for socialist ideas by spreading wealth to people that don’t deserve it. But Santa Clause is a big supporter of the coal industry, so we said I guess we can take these pants from a job creator. Mitt has never felt so comfortable lying. I would expect a lie per minute in those pants.”   Joining Romney on stage will be local blind country singer Ronnie Milsap.   “Milsap will really set the stage tonight as he will describe what he sees in Romney and why Romney has a better vision for America than Obama,” said Fehrnstrom.   Romney advisers have been hard at work the last couple of days not only to make sure Romney doesn’t burst into flames tonight, but communicates a clear message that wins over the disenchanted liberal vote in Asheville that is dissatisfied with the last four years under President Obama.   Romney will adorn a tie-dye t-shirt along with Birkenstocks on stage tonight.  Romney plans on starting his speech with a 20-minute freestyle session on a bongo and then plans on leading the audience in meditation. Romney will end the speech with what he has in common with Asheville residents. Here...

Read More
Asheville named No. 10 ‘sharp city’ by Reader’s Digest, City Council purchases Edge of Glory knife sharpeners to boost ranking
Oct08

Asheville named No. 10 ‘sharp city’ by Reader’s Digest, City Council purchases Edge of Glory knife sharpeners to boost ranking

ASHEVILLE- Asheville is sharp, but not razor sharp, at least not yet.   Reader’s Digest named Asheville No. 10 in it’s list of the Top 10 “Sharpest Cities” in the nation this past week. Asheville placed behind other cities such as San Francisco, Seattle, and Portland.   But the Asheville City Council believes being crowned the No. 1 sharpest city is within reach. The City Council’s goal of being No. 1, lead the Council to purchase 42,229 Edge of Glory knife sharpener sets over the weekend.   “We did the research and found Asheville citizen’s knives are sharp, but not as sharp as they could be,” said Marc Hunt, City Councilman.   “So we just bought enough knife sharpeners for every citizen. If every Asheville resident has sharp knives, that has to guarantee us the title of Sharp City USA, right?”   The Council’s purchase of knife sharpeners will cost taxpayers $464,096.71, plus shipping and handling. Each knife sharpener set, which costs $10.99 each, comes with two Edge of Glory knife sharpeners and a set of three knives.   “Asheville should be proud of the Council’s decision, because we had to act fast to get such a good deal,” said Hunt.   “We were watching the Edge of Glory commercial and we’re a little timid about buying a single knife sharpener for $10.99. But then the commercial host said, ‘We are not done yet, call now and you get a 3 piece knife set, a $20.00 value, free with your order. But wait there’s more, order now and we will double your order, two Edge of Glory knife sharpeners for the price of one.’ It was too good of a deal to ignore and like the commercial said we had to order now.”   The City Council will start dispersing the 84,458 Edge of Glory knife sharpeners to residents the first week of December as an early Christmas present. Every city resident will receive an Edge of Glory knife sharpener, no matter the individual’s religious affiliation.   The Council hopes the title of Sharp City USA will attract new visitors to Asheville the same way Beer City USA has attracted craft beer lovers from all over the country to Asheville.   “I think knife sharpening could be a real big draw for tourists,” said Hunt.   “We could have knife sharpening tours, where tourists tour local homes and learn about the different ways people use sharp knives in this town. Not everybody uses the knives for food, you know? We also could have knife-sharpening tests. The Edge of Glory commercial used an Edge of Glory to sharpen a credit...

Read More
Abstinence group to shoot documentary about lives of abstinent people at Asheville Comic Expo
Oct08

Abstinence group to shoot documentary about lives of abstinent people at Asheville Comic Expo

ASHEVILLE- When swarms of people, who practice not having sex, gathers in a central location, national abstinence group We’re Abstinent and We Know It (WAWKI) is there to celebrate.   So when individuals attend this Saturday’s Asheville Comic Expo, they will not only be celebrating their favorite comics, but WAWKI’s filmmakers will be asking them what it is like to be abstinent.   WAWKI will be shooting scenes during the Asheville Comic Expo to be part of a documentary that focuses on groups of people that are abstinent and how they live their lives.   “Our culture is so focused on sex and everything we watch on television is just sex,” said Stacey Fox, president of WAWKI.   “We wanted to give people a breathe of fresh air and focus our documentary on individuals, who do not have sex. We’ve been all over the country filming our documentary and we have found people, who do not have sex either go to church frequently, married, or love the shit out of comic books.”   The Asheville Comic Expo will be held at the US Cellular Center from 11:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. There will be comic books vendors, artists, writers, guests, and panels. The convention will also include costuming, science fiction, and tabletop, card, and video gaming.   Andy Molder a 32-year-old Asheville resident plans on attending this weekend’s Asheville Comics Expo and does not appreciate WAWKI’s assumption that attendees of the Expo do not have sex.   “I had sex once and I didn’t even pay her for it,” said Molder.   “The assumption that us nerds don’t have sex is bullshit.  In fact right after this interview I’m going to stick my light saber in my Princess Leia blowup doll’s galaxy. Oh and people say plastic does not count. You would be amazed how far technology has come in mimicking the actual reproductive parts. Plastic is almost better than the real thing too, because nobody is mad after five seconds.”   Molder says although most attendees’ primary goal this Saturday is to share their interest of science, comics, and gaming, most attendees also hope to get some action under the sheets or on top, personal preference of course.   “It’s only natural for that many sex starved people to gather in one area that things will get extra spicy,” said Molder.   “My dad attended the San Diego Comic Con in 1973 and he still talks about the action people were getting that weekend. In fact that is where my dad and mom met. So for some group to be shooting a documentary about abstinence this coming weekend, good...

Read More
Romney prepares for debate by electrocuting self with computer, after watching 90’s movie The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes
Oct01

Romney prepares for debate by electrocuting self with computer, after watching 90’s movie The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes

BOSTON, MASS.- Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is not expected to do well against President Barack Obama in the first presidential debate Wednesday evening.   Even the Romney campaign downplayed expectations for Romney this past weekend calling Obama a “universally acclaimed public speaker.”   But that doesn’t mean Romney isn’t going down without a fight.   Romney even risked his own health late Sunday, after attempting to electrocute himself with a computer in a last ditch effort to gain an advantage in Wednesday night’s debate.   Romney reportedly stripped naked and dived head first into his hot tub, with a plugged in Compaq laptop computer. Campaign staffers immediately pulled Romney out of the hot tub and rushed Romney to Boston Medical Center, where he was treated for minor injuries.   “I’m glad to say Mr. Romney will be just fine and should be more than ready to debate Barack Obama,” said John Smith, the Romney family’s physician.   “He may have a little trouble keeping his hair matted down the next couple of days, but with adequate rest he should be fine.”   A source close to the campaign says Romney was enjoying the Disney movie The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes with his family Sunday and after watching the scene where Kirk Cameron’s character Dexter gets electrocuted by a computer and turns into a genius, Romney decided electrocuting himself might be worth a shot.   “I mean his campaign has certainly not been executed in the most intelligent way, but to electrocute yourself with a computer?” said the anonymous source.   “I’m glad he is ok. But somebody should ask the Romney campaign what they’re doing with Compaq computers? If you wanted to turn yourself into a genius wouldn’t you want to electrocute yourself with a smarter operating system? Have some class for God’s sake.”   The Romney campaign has not revealed whether the attempt to transfer the Compaq laptop’s knowledge to Romney’s brain was successful.   “The man won’t release his tax returns, you think he would reveal whether he is a genius before Wednesday night?” said the anonymous source.   “But even if he is a genius, it doesn’t necessarily mean the American people will vote for him. Just look at our last president.”   The presidential debate on Wednesday will start at 9:00 p.m. and will cover domestic policy. PBS’s Jim Lehrer host of News Hour will moderate the debate.   The audience has been directed to wear rubber suits, jut in case Romney were to pop a fuse....

Read More
Asheville man surprised to find Mormon at door not preaching about Joseph Smith, but instead some new made up prophet named Romney
Oct01

Asheville man surprised to find Mormon at door not preaching about Joseph Smith, but instead some new made up prophet named Romney

ASHEVILLE- Usually when Mormons come a knocking on James Henderson of Asheville’s door, he turns off the lights and pretends not to be home.   However, a Mormon caught Henderson this past Wednesday off guard, when Henderson opened his Biltmore Park home’s front door expecting the pizza man.   “I opened the door expecting my nose to be filled with the smell of pizza goodness and instead I find myself staring at a wide eyed grinning Mormon,” said Henderson.   “The look on the guy’s face was like ‘Haha I finally duped one.’ So I told him, ‘let’s get this over with.”   But Henderson was in for far more than a lecture about the Church of Latter-Day Saints. Henderson was surprised to learn the Mormon at his front door was none other than Tagg Romney, son of Republican nominee for president, Mitt Romney.   “He started rambling about some guy named Mitt Romney, who in the past had brought his people economic prosperity by firing other people,” said Henderson.   “But he said now this Romney guy promised to bring economic prosperity by creating jobs. He said I know it sounds weird, but you have to have faith. These Mormons will believe anything.”   Tagg Romney spent this past Wednesday stumping for his father in Biltmore Park. Henderson was just one of many residents that received a visit from Tagg, but Tagg’s visit with Mr. Henderson may be one Tagg will never forget.   “I asked this guy if his father planned on delivering me a pizza, because I was starving,” said Henderson.   “He chuckled and said unfortunately his father did not plan on delivering me a pizza, but he did know some guy name Hermain Cain that could sell me some stock in some pizza companies. So I finally just asked what can your father do for me?”   Henderson explained Romney began to ask him a series of questions and if he responded no to all of them that his father could help him. Here are the series of questions Romney asked Henderson: Are you a woman?   Do you currently receive food stamps?   Are you poor?   Are you currently enrolled in college?   Are you over the age of 65?   Do you make under $250,000 a year?   Are you a recipient of Medicaid/Medicare?   Are you a teacher?   Are you a member of a union?   Are you a scientist?   Henderson proceeded to answer no to every single one of Romney’s questions.   “After he was done asking me questions, he said congratulations you belong to the 53...

Read More