As reward for government shutdown Asheville Tea Party let’s Rep. Mark Meadows stay up one hour past bedtime
Oct01

As reward for government shutdown Asheville Tea Party let’s Rep. Mark Meadows stay up one hour past bedtime

ASHEVILLE-Even if you have your hands on the puppet’s strings, the puppet still has the ability to waver, especially if the puppet has a pulse.   Rep. Mark Meadow’s unwavering performance of late would have made Geppetto proud, so it’s no surprise his puppeteer, the Asheville Tea Party is rewarding their marionette for his fine performance.   After a federal government shutdown, the Asheville Tea Party awarded their puppet Meadows the ability to stay up one hour past his bedtime for the entire week.   “Our little Mark has worked so hard to remember the lines we gave him that we figured we would reward him with what every child wants,” said Jane Bilello, head of the Asheville Tea Party.   “What child does not want to stay up past his or her bedtime? We are so very proud of our little Marky Mark, I just want to squeeze his little chubby cheeks.”   Meadows, who originated the idea in Congress to hold the budget bill hostage with a provision to defund Obamacare, called Bilello yesterday as soon as it was made clear the federal government was headed for a shutdown.   “It was like receiving an A on my report card all over again,” said Meadows.   “I just knew my Tea Party elders would be so proud. I can’t believe they are letting me stay up one hour past my bedtime.  That one hour will be put to good use, I’ve wanted to catch up on Ted Nugent’s Spirit of the Wild for some time now.”   While Meadows is getting caught up with Spirit of the Wild, the rest of the nation will be feeling the impact of a federal government shutdown. According to a recent poll by Pepperdine University’s Graziadio School of Business and Management, 75 percent of business owners believe the government shutdown will directly harm their business due to the uncertainty it will create about the future of the US economy.   “Pepperdine? No need to believe a word from one of those hippie Obama loving California schools,” said Meadows.   “Besides 100 percent of people are opposed to Obamacare, so while 75 percent of business owners may be harmed by my high jacking of the budget, 100 percent of them will love me for getting rid of Obamacare. I’m like your mother-in-law, you may hate me at first, but then one day you find out I can whip up a delicious meatloaf.”   The Citizen Thymes was unable to get a hold of Blue Ridge Parkway and Great Smokey National Park workers that are currently out of work due to the shutdown,...

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Former Ingles employee, current Trader Joe’s employee Joe aptly named Trader Joe by former coworkers
Sep27

Former Ingles employee, current Trader Joe’s employee Joe aptly named Trader Joe by former coworkers

ASHEVILLE- Joe Engle just wants to smoke weed and work a job that is way below his potential just like everybody else in this town.   But no, apparently once you take one low responsibility job you have to stay loyal to that job at least according to Joe’s friends.   After leaving Ingles last week to take a job with the new Trader Joe’s that opened on Merrimon Avenue this morning, Joe has been aptly named by his former coworkers and friends Trader Joe.   “Everybody thinks they are a comic these days,” said Joe.   “As wearing a Hawaiian shirt and pretending to be excited about natural almonds that are shipped from a thousand miles away isn’t embarrassing enough. No they just have to rub it. Well let me tell you the next time they come over to smoke, I’m keeping the bong to myself, man.”   Joe’s family and friends have been berating Joe with trader jokes all week and Joe says there is no end in sight.   “There all like ‘I can’t believe you pulled an Edward Snowden on Ingles, Trader Joe. What’s next you going to run to Russia, Trader Joe?” said Joe.   “And I’m all like, ‘shut up Billy, you can’t run to Russia there is an ocean in the way man, what an idiot.’ The jokes have gotten so bad I have considered going back to work for Sitel. But no amount of weed gets you through the work day there, man.”   Joe hopes with the prospect of being a constant hook up for Two Buck Chuck that his former coworkers and friends may eventually change their mind about his new nickname. But until then Joe is going to try to wear his nickname with the same pride as he does his Trader Joe’s Hawaiian shirt and hope to God no one else he knows sees...

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Asheville man waiting to turn left into Trader Joe’s has no idea how much driver behind him wants to kill him
Sep27

Asheville man waiting to turn left into Trader Joe’s has no idea how much driver behind him wants to kill him

ASHEVILLE- Even though there is a steady stream of oncoming traffic on Merrimon Avenue, Joe Mason, who is waiting to turn left into Trader Joe’s parking lot, is patient.   After all Mason has been waiting over six years for Asheville to get a Trader Joe’s and what is waiting an extra 15 minutes in traffic listening to The Dead in his 1992 Ford Fiesta going to hurt.   However, Mason is completely oblivious to the fact that the driver behind him, Kyle Raney is only moments away from shoving Mason’s Co-exist bumper sticker up Mason’s ass.   “You got to be shitting me,” screamed Raney as he slapped the steering wheel of his 2006 Subaru.   “Let’s go hippie. My mom was right these hipster shits are taking over this goddamn town.”   Mason inches forward and considers going for it as there is a sudden clearing of traffic, but decides not to risk it because sometimes his Fiesta stalls when pressured to accelerate too fast.   “Go! Are you fricking kidding me?” said Raney as he slams his head back into his headrest and throws his arms up in the air.   “I don’t have time for this shit. I hope your raw organic almonds have salmonella!”   After 10 minutes Mason gives up on the idea of turning left into Trader Joe’s and instead chooses to pull forward and attempt to make a U-turn further down Merrimon Avenue.   Raney pulls to the side of Mason and stares at him the whole time while passing him and mouths to Mason, ‘Really?’ and then for good measure flips Mason the bird to make sure Mason knows where he stands with a complete and total stranger.   Raney spends the rest of the day trying to explain to his yoga clients why his schedule is off 15 minutes for the...

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Journalist covering Asheville Trader Joe’s opening forgets he once dreamed of reporting real news
Sep27

Journalist covering Asheville Trader Joe’s opening forgets he once dreamed of reporting real news

ASHEVILLE- “I did have a clever grocery pun to lead this article with.   But unfortunately I left my grocery pun list at home.”   The above is just one example of what grocery retorts print reporter Jackson Little still has left in his back pocket and there is plenty of grocery retorts left to make as far as he is concerned.   Armed with a tape recorder, a Moleskine notebook, and an unwavering need to report the truth about produce prices, Little has abandoned his college newspaper dream of covering US presidential elections for reporting the news people actually care about.   “Sure the threat of a government shutdown due to infighting in Congress is important to report,” said Little.   “But what would people do with their lives if they didn’t know about Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck or Cookie Butter? Can you imagine what it would be like to survive a government shutdown without several cases of cheap wine?”   Little felt quite proud of his recent story about Trader Joe’s that appeared in yesterday’s edition of the Citizen-Times.   “Yesterday’s story was not your ordinary ‘a grocery store is opening’ story,” said Little. “Those types of stories are just one big ad for the grocery store. No I strive for hard-hitting journalism. So I took to Facebook to ask my friends what they thought about Trader Joe’s opening and I included some of their opinions in my story. Let me tell you not all of the comments were positive, but hey I’m just doing my job reporting the truth.”   Little is already thinking of twists for stories when grocery store chains Publix and Fresh Market open up in Asheville as well.   “I’m thinking I’m going to go with how Publix as a company tries to be edgy and dangerous,” said Little.   “Replacing the ‘c’ with a ‘x’ is a pretty hip way to spell your company’s name. That will probably be the first half and then to keep the readers attention I’ll probably throw in some terms like ‘grocery wars’ and leave them with a question like ‘is this the beginning of the end for...

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Asheville man can’t believe girlfriend dumped him at Big Love festival
Sep18

Asheville man can’t believe girlfriend dumped him at Big Love festival

ASHEVILLE- Andy Hays never expected his Big Love festival experience to end with him sitting on a park bench crying over an order of yucca fries from the Smash Box food truck.   But cry Andy did, and no number of delicious yucca fries in his mouth could patch the hole left in his heart from Arielle Kinsley, his girlfriend of four weeks, who dumped him in the middle of Big Love festivities Sunday.   “How could anyone dump somebody during a festival called Big Love?” said Hays.   “I don’t understand what happened. Everything was going so well. We just got done hula hooping on the lawn together and was lying on the grass sharing a Kombucha, when all of a sudden Arielle said she didn’t think our two energies were aligning well with the planets. What the hell does that even mean?”   Hays soon after, found himself with an empty Kombucha bottle, holding back tears, as he watched sitting in his Bohemian skirt, an accessory Arielle forced him to wear that morning that was giving him a severe case of jock itch, Arielle take off with what he swears was the drummer of the Hermit Kings.   “I knew I should have joined the band in high school,” said Hays.   “But no, my dad was like ‘band is for dorky nerds.’ So instead I rode the bench as a backup punter for four years trying to live up to my dad’s legacy. Thanks dad, now not only am I a backup punter, but a backup punter with no girl and no sense of rhythm.”   Hays plans on winning Arielle back by learning how to play mandolin and writing a power love ballad entitled ‘Little Mermaid of My Heart.’ In the meantime, Hays isn’t going to let a broken heart keep him from training for the Hacky Sack World Championships.   “Being a backup punter you use your feet all the time, so I picked up hacky sack pretty quickly,” said Hays.   “That’s how Arielle and I met actually. She was meditating in Pritchard Park and I straight up jacked her in the braids with a sack on accident. Shiva as my witness, I will have Arielle on my arm and a hacky sack championship by the end of the...

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Hippie forgets she hates capitalism while gleefully strolling through Asheville Harris Teeter aisles
Sep09

Hippie forgets she hates capitalism while gleefully strolling through Asheville Harris Teeter aisles

ASHEVILLE- When Martha Rosenstein used to drum on her Djembe drums it used to mean something. The feminine gods channeled through Rosenstein with every beat screaming to Mother Earth what pain comes from possession, power, and monetization.   But after a recent trip to the new Harris Teeter on Merrimon Avenue, Rosenstein’s Djembe drum sits lifeless in the corner of Rosenstein’s backyard tepee begging to be drummed again by it’s former owner’s capitalist stained hands.   “I don’t know what happened, I guess I got caught up in the excitement of Harris Teeter opening that I just had to go,” said Rosenstein.   “After all with all the buzz this couldn’t just be an ordinary grocery store, could it? Sure enough as I walked through those sliding glass doors I was immediately taken by the spectacle of it all. How does one get tile floors like that so shiny?”   While strolling through the 50,000-square-foot store, Rosenstein found she was struck with a sudden case of consumerism. Stocking her cart with GMO products and processed food, Rosenstein knew what she was doing was wrong but she just couldn’t help herself.   “I knew throwing products in my cart without the organic label was wrong,” said Rosenstein.   “It felt dirty, but then again being dirty felt so damn good. I haven’t felt that way since doing the unthinkable with Bobby Abrams in his 1976 Plymouth Volare station wagon at the drive-in. My mom was ashamed of me then and I’m sure she is shaking her head at me from heaven.”   After walking away with a $114.50 worth of mistakes, Rosenstein immediately returned home to a cold shower to wash away and hopefully forget her recent transgressions.   “I usually only shower twice a week to try to save on water consumption, but this was special circumstance that required drastic action,” said Rosenstein.   Rosenstein has meditated every day since her trip to Harris Teeter, asking Mother Earth for her forgiveness. Rosenstein is also asking Mother Earth to help her understand why she enjoyed consuming those boxes of Twinkies so...

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