Asheville back alley abortion doctor preparing for surge in business due to NCGA’s new rules for abortion clinics
Aug06

Asheville back alley abortion doctor preparing for surge in business due to NCGA’s new rules for abortion clinics

ASHEVILLE- New proposed rules by the North Carolina Generally Assembly suggesting that all abortion providers be ambulatory surgical centers if implemented by the health department would effectively close 15 abortion clinics across the state.   While pro-choice advocates see the bill as a defeat, one Asheville back alley abortion provider sees the bill as an opportunity to grow his practice.   “Abortion clinics and pro-choice advocates have been fighting to squander the abortion market from us back alley abortion doctors for a long time now,” said Dr. X (For legal reasons, the doctor declined to give his real name).   “Accusing us back alley doctors of providing services that were not sanitary or safe. For the past couple of years I have had a tough time paying rent just on the back alley abortion services I provide. I even deal meth from time to time to pay the bills. But I just want to say thank you to the North Carolina General Assembly for giving us back alley doctors a second chance at success.”   Asheville abortion provider Femcare, the only abortion provider in the state that would meet the NCGA’s new requirements, license was suspendered this past Thursday due to multiple health violations cited by the state health department leaving Dr. X and his back alley cohorts possibly the only abortion providers in the state.   “North Carolina republicans are good Christian folk, who believe in giving people a second chance, and I plan on not wasting my second chance,” said Dr. X.   “I think people will be surprised on how much drug cartel money has significantly improved the back alley abortion procedure. It still may not be the most sanitary or safe way to provide abortions, but we get the job done every time. Each patient even walks away with a complimentary piece of rock...

Read More
NCGA permits gun silencers, Asheville deer looking forward to quiet hunting season
Aug01

NCGA permits gun silencers, Asheville deer looking forward to quiet hunting season

ASHEVILLE- Your neighbors have finally given up on celebrating the 4th of July nearly 27 days later, congratulations peaceful silence has once again embraced your neighborhood.   But imagine having to deal with the noise of fireworks going off for another two months, sounds like fun right?   Well that is exactly what Asheville deer have to deal with every time hunting season comes rolling around.   That is why news of the North Carolina General Assembly passing gun legislation that allows hunters to install noise suppressors on their rifles and shotguns has left Asheville deer with the hope of getting some much needed shut eye come October.   “It’s about damn time, imagine trying to take a power nap with thunder going off in your ear,” said Bambie.   “Have you ever tried getting your fawn to bed in the middle of a gun range? Well it’s not pleasant. I call the North Carolina Wildlife Resource Commission every year to file a noise complaint, but nobody ever does anything about it.  Thank Santa Clause’s Sleigh, our representatives finally did something about all this noise.”   For Bambie’s son BJ the silencer gun bill however comes one year too late. BJ lost his hearing in the midst of last year’s hunting season.   “You know how hard it is to sign with hooves?” said Bambie.   “I’m just glad my grandfawns don’t have to worry about what my son is currently going through.”   However, not every deer is happy with the new legislation. White Tail, CEO and inventor of the DeerMuff 3000, earmuffs for deers trying to extinguish sound of gunshots during hunting season, worries that the new legislation may sink his company.   “North Carolina Republicans ran on a platform this past fall to create jobs and I don’t know how this bill creates jobs,” said White Tail.   “How am I supposed to sell my product now? I have fawns to feed for Santa Clause’s sake. It seems the NCGA is in the business of putting businesses out of...

Read More
Asheville grade school student ecstatic her teacher also works at McDonald’s
Jul30

Asheville grade school student ecstatic her teacher also works at McDonald’s

ASHEVILLE- Issac Dickson Elementary School student Anna Regan loved learning her multiplication tables in Ms. Amanda Meyers’ class.   But Reagan loves receiving a Happy Meal toy from Ms. Myers even more.   “I was really sad when school was let out because I couldn’t see Ms. Myers any more,” said Reagan.   “But my mommy now takes me to McDonald’s to see Ms. Meyers almost every week.”   Ms. Meyers teaches second grade at Issac Dickson Elementary School and works as a cashier at the McDonald’s on Smokey Park Highway.  Meyers was hoping to get the opportunity to scale back her hours at McDonald’s, but with the North Carolina General Assembly’s current budget proposal regarding education, Meyers sees the phrase, “would you like fries with that” to continue to be in her future.   “Am I disappointed in the way NCGA treats education in North Carolina? Sure,” said Meyers.   “But I feel so fortunate to be an example to my students. I hope I’m showing my students if you study hard, stay in school and try to give back through teaching, they too can be blessed with a job at McDonald’s.”   Myers is just glad teaching wasn’t her first option like many of her colleagues at Issac Dickson. Myers actually took her current position at Issac Dickson after being recommended to get a second job by McDonald’s.   “I actually thought getting a second job was a good idea after studying the Practical Money Skills Budget Journal handed out by McDonald’s that suggested I needed a second job to survive,” said Meyers.   “Thankfully my McDonald’s salary pays most of the bills, while my teacher’s salary allows me to barely pay rent each month. I don’t know how people live on the bare minimum teacher salary in the state of North Carolina.”   Over 250 people took to downtown Asheville yesterday to protest the General Assembly’s stance on public education. However, Meyers was unable to join her colleagues since she was working the cash register.   “At the end of the day it is about the students,” said Meyers.   “And Anna wanted Chicken McNuggets last night and I delivered exactly what she wanted. It feels good seeing smiles on your students’ faces and I wouldn’t trade that for any pay raise in the...

Read More
Former Texas Roadhouse Armadillo mascot Andy admits to smuggling armadillos into Asheville area
Jul24

Former Texas Roadhouse Armadillo mascot Andy admits to smuggling armadillos into Asheville area

ASHEVILLE-  Do you ever wonder why Texas Roadhouse’s rolls with cinnamon honey butter taste so good?   Well it certainly isn’t the cinnamon or honey according to former Texas Roadhouse mascot armadillo Andy.   According to Andy the secret is in the teardrops of an armadillo.   That is right every side dish of cinnamon honey butter is garnished with exactly one teardrop of an armadillo before being brought to a Texas Roadhouse table near you.   “People constantly order more rolls without even thinking about the pain armadillos go through to bring melted cinnamon honey butter goodness to their fat mouths,” said Andy.   “It is a travesty nobody knows what Texas Roadhouse puts us armadillos through.”   Teardrops of armadillos are collected from a secret factory in Amarillo, Texas according to Andy.  In the factory, armadillos are forced to walk over cracked peanut shells collected nightly from Texas Roadhouses across the nation until the pain in the armadillos’ tiny feet causes the armadillo to cry. Then factory workers collect the armadillo tears with an eyedropper.   “People walk over hot coals all the time for some type of Tony Robbins trust walk bullshit,” said Andy.   “But imagine being forced to do that everyday and at the end of the day you don’t get a hug from that caveman Robbins.”   But Andy won’t stand for this armadillo travesty the size of Texas no more. Andy departed his job as company mascot at Texas Roadhouse seven months ago to join an underground network of armadillos freeing fellow dillos from the secret factory in Amarillo.   “Texas Roadhouse didn’t even tell the public about my departure,” said Andy.   “They just replaced me with another armadillo and figured the public wouldn’t know the difference because we all look the same. Sure enough, the public is as racist as Texas Roadhouse thought it was, congratulations humans.”   Andy has smuggled 10 fellow dillos out of the factory and safely into the Asheville area so far. Andy dresses the dillo refugees in brown fur to dupe the factory workers into believing the dillos are in fact groundhogs. But once the dillo refugees cross the North Carolina state border they immediately dump their groundhog disguise.   “Turns out some people in these parts like groundhog stew,” said Andy.   “We lost one refugee to a hunter in Canton, who wanted to get his wife a groundhog fur coat.”   Andy hopes his story will lead to a government investigation of the factory in Amarillo, but in the meantime he hopes you think twice before stuffing that cinnamon honey butter goodness down...

Read More
Motorcycle wielding ‘Evel Knievel’ fetus glad McCrory has unformed back on SB 353
Jul15

Motorcycle wielding ‘Evel Knievel’ fetus glad McCrory has unformed back on SB 353

ASHEVILLE- As Evel Knievel the fetus prepares to attempt to float from one side of its mother’s womb to the other via a tiny microscopic motorcycle later on this week, it has two less things to worry about thanks to North Carolina governor Pat McCrory.   McCrory, who went back on his gubernatorial campaign promise to not make any changes to state laws regarding abortion and gave his stamp of approval to SB 353, a motorcycle safety bill that North Carolina House Republicans added abortion restriction language to this past week, ensures Knievel of two things:   A. All those other fetuses driving larger vehicles that has been encroaching on Knievel’s lane and running Knievel off the road in its mom’s womb will have to pay a hefty fine   and   B. The likelihood of mom getting rid of Knievel dramatically decreased as the new abortion language would virtually ensure the closure of 15 of the 16 abortion clinics in the state of North Carolina.   The Citizen Thymes requested Knievel to comment on McCrory’s willingness to approve SB 353, but since Knievel is a fetus and doesn’t have the ability to feel or formulate thoughts, the Thymes turned to a group who feels more than comfortable speaking for entities that can or can’t speak for themselves, white male republicans.   “Well Knievel really appreciates that North Carolina Republicans would write a bill just for it,” said Tim Hornsby, a registered Republican and Fletcher resident.   “I mean think about it, why else would there be abortion language in a motorcycle safety bill?  Knievel also admires House Republicans urgency to protect Knievel by adding the abortion language to the motorcycle safety bill without even taking the time to notify the public first of the changes. House Republicans urgency on this matter is a real comfort to Knievel.”   According to Hornsby, Knievel even applauds, with its unformed fetus hands, McCrory for going back on his gubernatorial campaign promise not to further restrict access to abortion in the state of North Carolina.   “Sure the new language closes 15 of the state’s abortion clinics, but safety first is Knievel’s motto,” said Hornsby.   “That is why Knievel always wears a microscopic motorcycle helmet every time it rides.”   Knievel also believes according to Hornsby, McCrory’s stance on abortion will set him up well with a 2016 presidential run or even a Republican Vice President nomination, because governors Sam Brownback of Kansas and Rick Perry of Texas did so well in the 2012 presidential races with their strong stances on abortion.   But Hornsby says Knievel doesn’t want to be...

Read More
Asheville man kind of regrets setting off fireworks in fireplace after rain ruins outdoor show
Jul08

Asheville man kind of regrets setting off fireworks in fireplace after rain ruins outdoor show

ASHEVILLE- West Asheville resident Keith Stinson’s ancestors gave their lives to help the United States gain independence from Great Britain.   You think a little rain would stop Stinson from celebrating America’s independence?   Stinson certainly didn’t, but what happened as a result has Stinson thinking he maybe should of surrendered to the rain that poured on the 4th of July.   As the rain poured down from the heavens, Stinson with fireworks in hand and faithful pit bull at his side, stared out through his trailer window cursing the rain gods.   “This is America’s holiday goddamnit and I’m not going to let no commie rain stop me from celebrating it,” muttered Stinson.   Stinson took one last swig from his handle of Evan Williams, before strategically arranging his illegally bought fireworks from Missouri in his mobile home’s fireplace.   Stinson then stumbled over to his cassette player and popped in America’s anthem, Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Free Bird of course.   “What’s a firework show without music, huh mutt?” Stinson asked his pit bull.   Stinson then staggered back to the fireplace, struck a match, and yelled, ‘fire.’   Moments later a range of colored sparks, popping sounds, and the smell of gun powder invaded Stinson’s living room and upon the reception of a roman candle mortar to the eye, Stinson suffered from a brief moment of sobriety that left him immediately regretting his decision.   Stinson’s living room was a blaze, but thankfully the fireworks hand knocked a hole in Stinson’s roof that let the rain quickly extinguish what was once Stinson’s Dale Earnhardt embroidered sofa.   “Commie rain dang ruined my firework show and soaked my goddamn sofa,” said Stinson.   “But America won today. From what I remember I put on a goddamn beautiful firework show despite the rain and now I have a sunroof too. God Bless...

Read More