Asheville Baby craftsman Tim the ‘tool baby’ Taylor defends his tiny downtown Urban Trail bench
Jun26

Asheville Baby craftsman Tim the ‘tool baby’ Taylor defends his tiny downtown Urban Trail bench

ASHEVILLE- Tim the ‘tool baby’ Taylor may shed tears from time to time.   But that’s because Taylor is a baby and that’s what babies do.   Taylor absolutely refuses to shed any tears over the criticism directed at the new Urban Trail bench located in Downtown Asheville he crafted with his itsy bitsy baby fingers.   “Everybody complains that the bench is too small,” said Taylor.   “But the bench is literally four to five times my size. You could say the bench is literally larger than baby life.”   The new tiny bench replaced a six-foot bench on Walnut Street, an official stop on the Asheville Urban Trail, called the Marketplace. Critics have said the tiny bench is an attempt by the City to limit the amount of homeless people, who usually gather around the bench.   “What if Michelangelo had crafted the statue of David as a baby?” said Taylor.   “Would the statue of David be any less beautiful if it was four feet shorter? I tell you people just don’t understand artists.”   The new Marketplace bench will serve as a temporary artwork base for a bonnet and apple basket sculpture.   “I didn’t want the bench to overwhelm the sculpture,” said Taylor.   “Besides plenty of homeless babies can fit on my bench, if you want to get technical about...

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Pelted with water balloons, Asheville man looks to develop drones for Battle of the Bywater water balloon fight 2014
Jun25

Pelted with water balloons, Asheville man looks to develop drones for Battle of the Bywater water balloon fight 2014

ASHEVILLE- Downtown Asheville resident Joe Mande may have lost the second annual Battle of the Bywater after being pelted with multiple water balloons, but Mande refuses to lose the war.   Despite defeat, Mande is preparing a winning strategy to win the Battle of the Bywater 2014 via unmanned aerial vehicles with the capacity to drop hundreds of water balloons on unsuspecting H2O militants.   “World War II was ended with air power, air power will once again rule the day in the Battle of the Bywater 2014,” said Mande.   “Some people call me crazy developing drones just for the purpose of winning a water balloon fight, but I absolutely refuse to drive home in wet boxers ever again. It has been three days and I’m still chaffing.”   Four thousand biodegradable water balloons were thrown this past Saturday at the Battle of the Bywater held at the Bywater. Mande was on the receiving in of several balloons, which has sent him over the edge according to his roommate Steven Nash.   “Joe just hasn’t been the same since Saturday,” said Nash.   “He is more afraid of water than a household cat. He jumps every time somebody turns a faucet on. He hasn’t bathed since Saturday, the smell is really starting to impact our friendship.”   Mande has started building a prototype drone in the living room of his apartment, blue prints of which he ordered from some Russians via the Internet.   “Normally your roommate building a drone in your living room is a sign you should probably move out,” said Nash.   “But Joe didn’t even pass high school Algebra, there is no way he is going to be able to build this drone. I just wish he would shower. Besides you think I’m going to move out with the risk of my new roommate being a yoga instructor? I don’t think so.”   In case you missed the Battle of the Bywater this past weekend you can watch footage of it in the video below:  ...

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Asheville foodie thinks about food insecure WNC child while biting into foie gras doughnut
Jun17

Asheville foodie thinks about food insecure WNC child while biting into foie gras doughnut

ASHEVILLE- It was the least John Filmore of West Asheville could do.   ‘This is for Billy,’ Filmore thought as he bit into his foie gras doughnut, while picturing a faceless food insecure child, Filmore would likely never meet or associate with.   “After reading that an estimated 104,000 people are food insecure in WNC that bite of foie gras doughnut was like ten times better, because I was so grateful for what I have,” said Filmore.   “But what really can you do? I bring in a canned food item to my local favorite restaurant that will later be donated to MANNA Food Bank to receive 10 percent off my bill like any good foodie would. I do what I can you know?”   A new report by the hunger-relief organization Feeding America not only revealed 104,000 individuals are food insecure in WNC, but an estimated 27 percent of children in WNC are food insecure.   TakePart.com also listed Asheville No. 9 nationwide in food hardship reporting, “21.8 percent of people in the Asheville area are struggling with food hardship.”   Filmore continued his tribute to a local food insecure child by posting a rather dark photo of his doughnut on Instagram, with the hash tag #thisisforyoubilly.   “I used the Sutro filter on Instagram to capture the doughnut,” said Filmore.   “I wanted to use a dark filter to express the pain each food insecure child in WNC experiences going to bed on an empty stomach. I’m just trying to spread awareness like those quarter a day infomercials on television.  I do what I can you know?”   Filmore completed his tribute to Billy by sending a check to MANNA, knowing the money would be put to good use and could possibly pay him back when tax season comes around as a deduction.   Filmore slept soundly last night, with the foie gras doughnut still digesting in his stomach, because he knew he did all he could do for Billy that day and tomorrow he could return to sharing anti-Monsanto and anti-NSA memes via Facebook like a responsible engaged...

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Phone sex hotline a lot hotter for Asheville man now that he knows the NSA may be listening
Jun12

Phone sex hotline a lot hotter for Asheville man now that he knows the NSA may be listening

ASHEVILLE- Sure Suzy (if that’s even her name) knew how to turn on North Asheville resident Chad Jones via the phone.   But now that Jones know the National Security Agency may be listening, Jone’s $2.95 a minute with Suzy feels like a trip to the Playboy mansion.   “I was at first a little freaked out about the possibility of the NSA listening to me masturbate via the phone,” said Jones.   “But the more and more I thought about it, the thought of a NSA agent listening to my phone call just got me hot. I almost feel patriotic now calling phone sex hotlines knowing that my heavy breathing is playing a small role in combating terrorism.”   The NSA and the Obama administration has been under heavy scrutiny after it was revealed the NSA had surveyed many Americans phone call records. Although the Obama administration insists the NSA has never listened in on such phone calls.   But Jones knows better.   “This isn’t my first rodeo my friend. I have seen spy shows on the ole teletube,” said Jones.   “If Obama can use drones to kill US citizens, there is probably also nothing stopping him from listening to me giving it to Suzy good. If I ever meet a real woman again that is willing to sleep with me I think I may have to engage in some Big Brother role playing. Wiretapping is just plain hot.”   The NSA scandal may have brought up some serious questions about civil liberties and the right to privacy, but people have seemed to ignore the impact the scandal has had on the economy. Jones says he calls Suzy now twice as often now that he knows a NSA agent is listening.   “I’m putting Suzy through college all by myself,” said Jones.   “But no need to thank me, I’m just doing my patriotic...

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Woman complaining about Asheville traffic has no idea how bad of a driver she really is
Jun11

Woman complaining about Asheville traffic has no idea how bad of a driver she really is

ASHEVILLE- Turn signals in Asheville are as about as rare as a Babe Ruth rookie card.   That is why every time downtown Asheville resident Mary Nestler sees a turn signal in Asheville she kisses the rosary that dangles from her rear view mirror of her silver Toyota Prius.   But a holy embrace is not usually the norm when Nestler gets behind the wheel. Within seconds of taking to the city streets, you may hear the following out of Nestler’s mouth:   “Move over grandma. This is why Republicans want to cut Medicare!   Florida? Of course f#$% tourists! Why don’t you take a picture of my middle finger?   Oh I hope you die in a fiery car wreck.”   Little does Nestler know according to Nestler’s husband Fred Nestler, Mary is not particularly the best driver herself.   “Oh my wife is a terrible driver,” said Fred.   “She cuts people off. She rides people’s ass like she rides mine to take out the trash. At every stoplight she slams on her brakes and she thinks just because someone is riding slow in the passing lane that is a proper excuse to waylay on her horn until the car gets out of the passing lane. This is off the record right?”   The Citizen Thymes assured Fred his comments would not be on our soon to be released record The Clear Album.   Fred is thankful there are so many terrible drivers in Asheville that his wife’s bad driving habit just blends in and he doesn’t even feel embarrassed riding with his wife behind the wheel.   “There are three things guaranteed in Asheville taxes, death, and terrible drivers,” said Fred.   “My wife is a terrible driver and I’m just hoping she won’t be the eventual cause of my...

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After Asheville Beer Week, Man celebrates Asheville Water Week, lots and lots of water week
Jun10

After Asheville Beer Week, Man celebrates Asheville Water Week, lots and lots of water week

ASHEVILLE- John Kline of West Asheville trained for Asheville’s second annual Asheville Beer Week by consuming on average 4.5 beers per day for the past year.   But when Kline woke up on June 2 after the conclusion of Asheville Beer Week and Beer City Fest, Kline realized his pounding headache was a sigh his training was not nearly good enough.   Hunched over his kitchen sink with the faucet running, Kline lapped up water with his tongue like his golden retriever Porter. For just a second Porter and Kline made eye contact and Kline swears Porter was judging him, but he didn’t care because in that second Kline was overwhelmed with joy by how good Asheville tap water tasted.   Kline’s joy and appreciation of tap water has culminated in him celebrating the past eight days what he calls Asheville Water Week, an event where he drinks lots and lots of water.   “For eight days during Asheville Beer Week I disregarded water, after all why drink water when you can fill your mouth with hoppy water goodness that leaves you with a buzz?” said Kline.   “Plus when you are drinking beer instead of water it makes the ‘8 to 5’ job go by real quick. However, nearly eight days has gone by since Asheville Beer week and I’m still suffering from beer farts. How is that even possible? So now I’ve turned to water. You know what they say, ‘a glass of water a day, keeps the beer farts away.”   Physicians at Mission Hospital were unable to confirm whether water would be a possible solution to beer caused flatulence.   Doctor approved or not, Kline plans on trying to organize Asheville Water Week as an annual event to culminate every year at the conclusion of Asheville Beer Week.   “Well technically we may not be able to call it Asheville Water Week, it may be MSD Water Week, but I think people need to remember the importance of consuming water,” said Kline.   “Sure just drinking water makes your wife’s stories about how she hates her job a lot less entertaining, but listening to your wife one week a year may be good for your relationship. Asheville Water Week saving marriages since 2013.”   Kline’s fascination with water has not only turned into a holiday, but also spurred a business idea. Kline has been collecting rainwater for the last week and plans on launching his own water brewery complete with a tasting room by September.   “Yeah this rain barrel I have now should be about ready to go by September,” said Kline.   “I...

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