Asheville back alley abortion doctor preparing for surge in business due to NCGA’s new rules for abortion clinics
Aug06

Asheville back alley abortion doctor preparing for surge in business due to NCGA’s new rules for abortion clinics

ASHEVILLE- New proposed rules by the North Carolina Generally Assembly suggesting that all abortion providers be ambulatory surgical centers if implemented by the health department would effectively close 15 abortion clinics across the state.   While pro-choice advocates see the bill as a defeat, one Asheville back alley abortion provider sees the bill as an opportunity to grow his practice.   “Abortion clinics and pro-choice advocates have been fighting to squander the abortion market from us back alley abortion doctors for a long time now,” said Dr. X (For legal reasons, the doctor declined to give his real name).   “Accusing us back alley doctors of providing services that were not sanitary or safe. For the past couple of years I have had a tough time paying rent just on the back alley abortion services I provide. I even deal meth from time to time to pay the bills. But I just want to say thank you to the North Carolina General Assembly for giving us back alley doctors a second chance at success.”   Asheville abortion provider Femcare, the only abortion provider in the state that would meet the NCGA’s new requirements, license was suspendered this past Thursday due to multiple health violations cited by the state health department leaving Dr. X and his back alley cohorts possibly the only abortion providers in the state.   “North Carolina republicans are good Christian folk, who believe in giving people a second chance, and I plan on not wasting my second chance,” said Dr. X.   “I think people will be surprised on how much drug cartel money has significantly improved the back alley abortion procedure. It still may not be the most sanitary or safe way to provide abortions, but we get the job done every time. Each patient even walks away with a complimentary piece of rock...

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Motorcycle wielding ‘Evel Knievel’ fetus glad McCrory has unformed back on SB 353
Jul15

Motorcycle wielding ‘Evel Knievel’ fetus glad McCrory has unformed back on SB 353

ASHEVILLE- As Evel Knievel the fetus prepares to attempt to float from one side of its mother’s womb to the other via a tiny microscopic motorcycle later on this week, it has two less things to worry about thanks to North Carolina governor Pat McCrory.   McCrory, who went back on his gubernatorial campaign promise to not make any changes to state laws regarding abortion and gave his stamp of approval to SB 353, a motorcycle safety bill that North Carolina House Republicans added abortion restriction language to this past week, ensures Knievel of two things:   A. All those other fetuses driving larger vehicles that has been encroaching on Knievel’s lane and running Knievel off the road in its mom’s womb will have to pay a hefty fine   and   B. The likelihood of mom getting rid of Knievel dramatically decreased as the new abortion language would virtually ensure the closure of 15 of the 16 abortion clinics in the state of North Carolina.   The Citizen Thymes requested Knievel to comment on McCrory’s willingness to approve SB 353, but since Knievel is a fetus and doesn’t have the ability to feel or formulate thoughts, the Thymes turned to a group who feels more than comfortable speaking for entities that can or can’t speak for themselves, white male republicans.   “Well Knievel really appreciates that North Carolina Republicans would write a bill just for it,” said Tim Hornsby, a registered Republican and Fletcher resident.   “I mean think about it, why else would there be abortion language in a motorcycle safety bill?  Knievel also admires House Republicans urgency to protect Knievel by adding the abortion language to the motorcycle safety bill without even taking the time to notify the public first of the changes. House Republicans urgency on this matter is a real comfort to Knievel.”   According to Hornsby, Knievel even applauds, with its unformed fetus hands, McCrory for going back on his gubernatorial campaign promise not to further restrict access to abortion in the state of North Carolina.   “Sure the new language closes 15 of the state’s abortion clinics, but safety first is Knievel’s motto,” said Hornsby.   “That is why Knievel always wears a microscopic motorcycle helmet every time it rides.”   Knievel also believes according to Hornsby, McCrory’s stance on abortion will set him up well with a 2016 presidential run or even a Republican Vice President nomination, because governors Sam Brownback of Kansas and Rick Perry of Texas did so well in the 2012 presidential races with their strong stances on abortion.   But Hornsby says Knievel doesn’t want to be...

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Gun Bill has Asheville man excited at thought of putting still mooing steak served at local restaurants out of misery with handgun
Apr29

Gun Bill has Asheville man excited at thought of putting still mooing steak served at local restaurants out of misery with handgun

ASHEVILLE- Dane Bernard can’t seem to get his steak well done at local Asheville restaurants.   Every time Bernard gets a steak at a local eatery it seems to still be mooing according to Bernard.   But the steaks won’t be mooing for long if a new gun bill approved by a North Carolina House committee this past Wednesday allowing concealed handguns on college campuses, city greenways, bars, and restaurants becomes law.   “Some steaks I get in this town still have a heart beat when they come to my table,” said Bernard.   “This new law will allow me to whip out my pistol and put that cow out of its’ misery right after I say grace. You smell that? That smells like America my friend. All these Asheville chefs like to cook with fancy smancy ingredients, but have you ever tried a 32 oz T-Bone seared in gun powder, partner?”   It is unclear whether House Bill 937 would actually permit Bernard from firing his firearm at a defenseless cut of meat in a public place, but it would permit Bernard to carry in his firearm at a restaurant with little restrictions.   “I assure anytime I fire my pistol it is in self defense,” said Bernard.   “You think I see a still bleeding steak coming when I order it well done? I’m just trying to defend myself from a chef that doesn’t know what he or she is doing.”   The new gun bill escaped several proposed amendments including an amendment that would require servers to ask people if they are carrying a weapon before bringing them a drink, since people carrying concealed weapons aren’t supposed to consume alcohol.   “Good move by the committee, I can’t get through breakfast without a Budweiser let alone dinner,” said Bernard.   The new gun bill will add to the already ongoing debate about guns that has been going on strong for several months in Asheville now. Read our previous articles about other gun controversies in Asheville here and...

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Asheville unemployed man decides to look for job after McCrory signs bill cutting unemployment benefits
Feb21

Asheville unemployed man decides to look for job after McCrory signs bill cutting unemployment benefits

ASHEVILLE- Gov. Pat McCrory signed into law Tuesday a bill that cuts maximum weekly jobless payments from $535 to $350 on new claims beginning July 1st.   The move leaves many North Carolina residents wondering how the unemployed will manage to get by.   But for one Asheville man, the new law slashing benefits put pep in his step.   “Oh my gosh, wow, I was living such a luxurious lifestyle on $535 a week that I never saw the need to go out and look for jobs,” said Tom Freeney, a 38-year-old unemployed Asheville resident.   “But now that the state is lowering my amount to $350, I just don’t know if I can survive. Thank you Governor McCrory for the wake up call. I would have never felt the need to take care of myself if the government had never stopped taking care of me. Self reliance is cool man.”   Freeney filled out several job applications yesterday for the first time in months.   “I use to fill out job applications every day, but after taking rejection after rejection I just quit all together because the jobs just did not exist,” said Freeney.   “But I have full faith that McCrory’s solution for creating jobs by cutting unemployment benefits will work and there will be more jobs available. It just makes sense.”   Freeney plans on applying for jobs for the next month and if he doesn’t hear anything back from potential employers will move on to his old profession of robbing houses.   “A man has to eat and if I can’t get my food from Uncle Sam, unfortunately I’m going to have to take it from my neighbor,” said Freeney.   “But hey even if I do resort to robbing houses, I will still be helping McCrory out. You need cops to catch robbers. By hiring more cops to solve violence caused by poverty and survival, is just another way McCrory is creating new jobs in North Carolina.”   Finally, Freeney likes the new law slashing benefits because it will save the state and taxpayers money.   “The lower rates will mean people will have to choose between survival resources like food or health to get by,” said Freeney.   “Whether they choose to sacrifice food or health, either way poor people are going to die faster than they were under the old system. The poor dying faster means we will all save money in the long run by not having to support them over a longer lifespan.”   Freeney made sure one of his job applications was for a position in McCrory’s cabinet....

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GOP lays out July 17-race runoff plan for 11th Congressional District candidates Vance Patterson & Mark Meadows
Jul09

GOP lays out July 17-race runoff plan for 11th Congressional District candidates Vance Patterson & Mark Meadows

  ASHEVILLE- They say an elephant never forgets.   Two GOP candidates are in for an election race runoff for the 11th Congressional District seat they will never forget on July 17th.   NC GOP chair Robin Hayes announced late Sunday the party was abruptly ending voting in the 11th Congressional District race between Republican candidates Mark Meadows and Vance Patterson. The party has instead chosen to force both candidates to run a literal race to decide who will move on to face Democrat Hayden Rogers on the November ballot.   “The election in November is perhaps the most important election in our country’s history,” said Hayes.   “We want Vance and Mark to show how dedicated they are to defeating president Obama and his liberal minion Hayden Rogers.”   The two GOP candidates will run an 11-mile race for the 11th Congressional seat, with a series of obstacles to overcome on their way to the finish line.   “Eleven miles for the 11th seat,” said Hayes.   “Isn’t that clever? Much better slogan than that hope and change stuff to nowhere.”   The candidates will sprint the first three miles before taking on the first challenge, which involves balancing five King James Bibles on top of their head for the next quarter mile of the race. If the bibles fall the two candidates will have to go back to where they started and try again or donate $500 to Restore Our Future, a pro Romney super Pac.   “Vance and Mark need to know to be a good politician you have to balance your religious beliefs with your campaign donations,” said Hayes.   “If you stray from your religion as a politician you really need to rely on those that donate to your campaign. Money may not buy happiness but it sure can buy you an election.”   After clearing the religion obstacle, the candidates will sprint another three miles until they reach obstacle number two, the brainteaser obstacle. The two candidates will have to list eleven ways to imply President Obama was not born in the US, without explicitly saying he is in fact not a US citizen.   “Being a politician is not about how much brawn you have, you know?” said Hayes.   “Sometimes you have to use your head. Like did you know President Obama favorite pie is not apple? Hmmm doesn’t sound American to me. I mean of course I know he is an American citizen.”   The candidates will sprint another three miles before taking on their second to last obstacle, a barrage of questions from the liberal media.   “Sometimes the liberal media asks dumb...

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NC Democratic Party issues elected officials flashcards on how to vote
Jul09

NC Democratic Party issues elected officials flashcards on how to vote

RALEIGH- The North Carolina Democratic Party took steps Friday to ensure a wrong vote is never cast again.   After the legislature successfully overrode Gov. Bev Perdue’s veto of a fracking bill by one vote, due to Rep. Becky Carney, a Democrat from Mecklenburg County, who opposes fracking pushed the wrong button and accidentally voted with Republicans to override the veto.   The Democratic Party handed out how to vote flashcards to all of their party’s elected members in the North Carolina legislature.   The flashcard deck only consists of two cards. One card features a green frog, with the caption ‘Green = Yes.’ The other card features a red whale, with the caption ‘Red = No.’   “Our party members work hard, so we didn’t want to overwhelm them with study material,” said David Parker, chair of the North Carolina Democratic Party.   “All we are really asking is for our members to remember two things. I hope they are able to memorize the flashcards, so a voting mistake is never made again.”   Rep. Becky Carney realized she made a voting error as soon as she cast her vote for the fracking bill. Carney called the House Speaker Thom Tillis over her microphone to change her vote, but Tillis refused saying it violated House rules.   Under state law, lawmakers can change their vote if they make a mistake, unless their vote changes the outcome. If Carney’s vote had changed, the override of the veto would have failed.   The North Carolina Democratic Party has advised Carney to tape her flashcards on the appropriate button, while voting in the future.   “The recommendation may come off as insulting, but we beg to differ,” said Parker.   “Even Will Smith needed to tape directions to the alien spacecraft in Independence Day to remember how to fly it. Rep. Carney is our Will Smith, but she may have made saving the world a little bit harder by voting for fracking.”   Meanwhile, Tillis defended his decision Sunday, on not allowing Carney to change her vote.   “Look the rules are the rules and they can’t be broken,” said Tillis.   “Besides democracy is based on voting mistakes. How do you think I got elected?”   Carney was unavailable for...

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