Chick-fil-A considering opening up drive-thru directly on Merrimon Avenue during traffic jams

  • SumoMe

ASHEVILLE- Stuck in traffic on Merrimon Avenue?


Look familiar? It's ok we all get a little angry on Merrimon Avenue

Look familiar? It’s ok we all get a little angry on Merrimon Avenue

Go ahead and let it rip my friend.


“What in the world are you doing jackass? Are you kidding me? Hey any day now? Oh Jesus fricking cheese and rice!”


Now don’t you feel better?


You know what would make you feel even better? A Chick-fil-A cookies and cream milk shake to lube up your vocal cords for your inside the car shouting voice.


Well at least Chick-fil-A thinks so.


Asheville residents are concerned the introduction of Harris Teeter and Trader Joe’s will make an already congested Merrimon Avenue a constant traffic jam.  Furthermore, the possibility of adding two fast-food drive-thrus in the area, one of which rumored to be Chick-fil-A, had residents up in arms at last Tuesday’s City Council meeting.


However, Chick-fil-A believes they have an idea that will win over residents. Chick-fil-A plans on proposing to the City Council on February 12 a drive-thru right on top of Merrimon Avenue.


“We figured if everybody is going to be stuck in traffic on Merrimon anyways, why require people to turn off of Merrimon to get our food and then try to get back on after ordering?” said Dan Cathy, President of Chick-fil-A.


“Let’s kill two birds with one stone, two golden fried juicy tender bird filets from Chick-fil-A of course, and open up shop right on Merrimon. We could have car hops take people’s order, while they are stuck in traffic and get them their food as they inch their way down the road.”


This guy is about to die because he suffers from traffic stress. Doesn't he look ill? Someone call a doctor

This guy is about to die because he suffers from traffic stress. Doesn’t he look ill? Someone call a doctor

Cathy believes opening a location on Merrimon will reduce traffic congestion an additional drive-thru off Merrimon would cause and reduce traffic stress, which could save your life. A Pennsylvania State University found that daily stresses like traffic could increase your risk of chronic health conditions like heart disease by over 40 percent.


“Here at Chick-fil-A we do everything we can to make the customer feel comfortable,” said Cathy.


“If that means also saving your life through reduced stress, well I’m just glad God lets us do the work we were meant to do. Not to mention think of the reduction of hand injuries. Most drivers in traffic jams not only yell, but also pound their steering wheel or dash. If they have a shake in their hand, now they can only injure one hand on their steering wheel.”


Chick-fil-A is currently studying how they can keep their carhops safe as they weave in and out of traffic. One idea on the table is to require all carhops to wear the Chick-fil-A cow costume as it provides extra padding in case a carhop was to be hit by a car or wipe out on the asphalt.


“I personally love the cow costume idea,” said Cathy.


“Imagine you’re a mother stuck with your kids in traffic. They are crying and you are stressed to the max. Then all of a sudden there in the middle of the street is a cow to cheer up your children and deliver you a milkshake.”


The City Council is expected to take up Chick-fil-A’s proposal on February 12. The first 100 residents, who show up in a cow costume will receive a free Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich and a sudden loss of dignity.


Author: citizenthymes

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1 Comment

  1. I think this is ridiculous. And how the president of the company once again uses God as a motivation to make more money with new ideas. How would he feel if he was the one risking his life dodging traffic is a freakin cow suit. Come on and give it up if its come down to this.

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