ASHEVILLE- I have always thought when I order a $46 Cowboy Ribeye steak from Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, that for the price it should probably come with its own security entourage.
Now with all the dialogue about food security in Asheville, I just may get a security entourage for my steak.
The Asheville City Council passed the Food Action Plan 6-0 at last night’s meeting, which includes a focus on food security, food deserts, and local food production when making decisions about development.
However, Asheville mall cop Bert Haney thinks more can be done about food security and he think he is the man that can do it.
“It is time for people to start thinking about the security of their food in their own homes,” said Haney.
“People buy home security systems, they have alarms for their cars, they put their money in a vault, but they disregard the one thing that keeps them going daily, which is the food they put in their stomachs. You ever come home to a half empty Oreo package, but you swore the night before you only ate one or two Oreos out of that freshly opened package? That’s not your mind playing tricks on you. You were robbed my friend.”
Haney is in the process of developing a food security system company called Nobodys Gonna Lay a Finger on My Butterfinger. The company will offer one food cop per household armed with a taser, nightstick, and flashlight to protect all food products within the confines of the home.
“I’ve been trained to shoot a taser from 12 feet away,” said Haney.
“Oh what’s that your husband wants to steal your last fry from your dinner plate, while you are not looking? I don’t think so pal. Boom there I am to taser him from across the dining room table. Enjoy that last, oh so luscious fry Ma’am courtesy of Lieutenant Haney.”
The food security system also trains food cops to divert indirect threats to food security.
For instance, if your neighbor was to come over to ask for a cup of sugar, the food cops have been trained to say, “get your own, this is isn’t some sugar cane field,” and then directs the neighbor to the closest grocery store.
The food cops will even follow you dining out.
“We are there to make sure you never forget your leftovers at the table and to ward off the panhandlers asking for food on your way back to the car,” said Haney.
“Our cops attended an NFL fantasy camp this past month as a team building exercise. So in theory we know how to stiff arm a panhandler or two. But we always have the taser just in case.”
Haney hopes to have his food security system company up and running by the end of April, just in time for the spring and summer barbecue season where the food security threat level raises to orange.
“You would not believe the number of people, who try to take home food from a barbecue that is not their food,” said Haney.
“One time somebody took home my vegetable tray that I had provided at a barbecue. I haven’t seen my tray stamped with the Crimson Tide A since. Roll Tide. Oh and the cross-dippers, dipping food in both the ranch and the hummus. Oh the humanity.”
If you would like to find more about Haney and his food security system company be sure to follow the company on Facebook here.