ASHEVILLE- When your hero falls short of his or her goal, it’s hard to see how you may achieve a similar goal.
Professional con artist Austin Lang (at least that’s what we think his name is) gave up his dream of becoming President of the United States after his idol Mitt Romney was defeated by President Barack Obama last night.
“My mom always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I put my mind to it,” said Lang.
“I’ve done a pretty good job so far of living up to my mother’s expectations. But I have to say after watching one of the best liars I have ever seen lose the election, I just don’t think it’s realistic for me to ever become President of the United States.”
Lang, who has stolen the identities of hundreds of North Carolina citizens, convinced several senior citizens that he is their long lost nephew, and has capitalized on a number of pyramid schemes says although he was experienced in the art of lying, he had nothing on the king of lying Mitt Romney.
“Oh my God I have seen nothing like Romney before, that guy should write a text book on lying,” said Lang.
“The auto bail out shift, the I created jobs while I was at Bain, the I care about Latinos because I’m practically from Mexico, all were just so good they will probably be theories for us con artists. It’s just too bad we all have to wake up every day and live with the fact, although we may swindle millions from struggling companies and the IRS, it’s just sickening to know the American people will never let us become President of the United States. Talk about class warfare.”
With the presidency out of the question, Lang has started to think about an alternative future.
“Well once I get Mildred to add me to her will, I plan on getting out of North Carolina,” said Lang.
“I find if you stay in the same place for too long, the FBI eventually finds you. Once I leave North Carolina I hope to go on a few Mormon missionaries to get a since of where the guru got his swag. After that since I still have a dream of making a difference in this country, I would like to serve as an apprentice to another great liar Karl Rove. Who knows someday I could become chairman of the GOP with all my lying experience.”
If anybody knows a Mildred please keep a watchful eye on her the next several days.