ASHEVILLE- If you feel like snowflakes have been disappearing at a faster rate than normal, you are not the only one.
Doctors from around the country gathered this weekend at the Grove Park Inn to discuss the sudden drop in snowflake life expectancy in Asheville.
“Anymore it seems as soon as the snowflakes touch the ground they just simply cease to exist,” said Kevin Kline, a snowflakeologist for UC Berkley Medical Center.
“We believe every snowflake deserves to live a full and healthy life and we gathered here this weekend to make sure every snowflake gets that chance. Can you believe in just this past weekend alone 33 million snowflakes missed out on the opportunity to live long enough to be transformed into a snowball or a snowman? My heart just melts for these snowflakes.”
This weekend Kline and 12 other snowflakeologists tried to pinpoint the cause of the sudden drop in snowflake life expectancy in Asheville.
“We first hypothesized Obamacare may be to blame,” said Kline.
“Nobody really had a good explanation for why Obamacare decreases snowflake life expectancy, but we have learned if something is messed up, blame Obamacare and someone will eventually find a link between Obamacare and the current problem. After a weekend of brainstorming we still haven’t found the cause of the problem.”
Despite not pinpointing the cause, Kline and his fellow colleagues may of discovered a solution and they are asking for the Asheville City Council’s help.
“We are going to propose that the City Council should provide every citizen with one subarctic cooler to place in their yard to collect snowflakes,” said Kline.
“Just imagine how many thousands of snowflakes could be saved each winter if they landed in the coolers instead of the warm ground. The City Council would be doing each citizen a favor by providing theses coolers, because now everyone in a way would feel like doctors who save lives. Now even Joe the Plumber can feel like a hero.”
Kline failed to speculate on how much providing 84,458 people with subarctic coolers would cost. But Kline did however say the costs would be offset by the boost in snowflake tourism.
“Snowflakes are a vital part of Asheville’s economy,” said Kline.
“Tourists want to see Biltmore covered in beautiful snowflakes, not muddy grass. 84,000 coolers full of snowflakes should be enough to cover Biltmore or at least a quarter of it.”
Kline and his colleagues ended the weekend at the Grover Park Inn by holding a eulogy for this weekend’s fallen snowflakes. Sadly none of the snowflakes’ relatives were in attendance. But snowflakes’ dear friend Ice did show up in Kline’s glass of bourbon at the ceremony.